apprehensive about becoming a stepparent

[robina63]

Hi - am new to all this..

I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years - he has a 5 year old daughter who is lovely. He is a coparent and he and his ex have shared access. He now would like us to move in together and be a family - he currently rents - i own my own home - so it would make sense for them to move in with me as i have a bigger place - but i dont have children and the thought of actually living with dad and daughter in my home makes me anxious. I dont always agree with the way she behaves - she very much rules the roost in her dads home. At present they share a bedroom in his appartment(its a large place) but i feel uncomfortable staying over in the same room. His ex has never been very friendly with me and i often feel that i fit in with all their arrangements..and i often get cross with how she behaves with my partner as i often feel she takes him for granted as he feels incredibly guilty that his daughter has parents who arent together. (For info it was his ex that left him after having an affair). There is often some sort of drama going on with her which my ex tries to help her out with. Anyway..I have been fretting about whether i am strong enough to commit to this relationship ...am i biting off more than i can chew..so many threads from step parents i have read have said if they know now what they did then - they would never have got involved with a man with children.!!.if im having anxieties now - will they go away or get worse before i find some peace and harmony?! Would love to be able to relax and go with the flow - but if im honest - im actually quite frightened. Advice needed!

Hi Robina63
It does sound like you have some reservations so I would recommend setting some ground rules if you do decide to move in together so that everyone knows where they stand. I would talk to your partner about what your expectations would be if you did live together and see what his reaction is. My experience is that my DH would rather upset me every time than his ex so I do find it difficult. You can see from my recent thread that we have hit a sticky patch recently. Only you can know in your heart if you think that your partner is 'the one' and it is forever. I wouldn't have got involved with my DH if I knew then what I know now but everyones situation is different and your experience may be a lot more positive than mine. I think as you have been with him for nearly 2 years your feelings for him are bound to be deep and its not easy to walk away. Explain your feelings to him and see if he is understanding and helpful and fair, he might surprise you. Sorry can't help more.
Onion x

I had exactly the same reservations as you. Told myself I was being overly cautious and silly. I am renowned for being sensible. Lol. However I now know I should have listened to my instincts. If he loves you he will understand your reservations and will look at ways to make sure any negative impact is minimised for you. Personally I would stay in my own place and carry on with the relationship. Step parenting with a Disney dad who has so much access is very very hard.

Agree with redhen.

You should keep your own home. His daughter is very young, he has massive guilt, he needs to put her needs (and that means his ex's wants) first and are you prepared for that much compromise.

My steps were all teenagers when I came onto the scene. Knowing how things are now, one is lovely with me, one can take or leave me and one detests me...... I would not have stood a chance had they been so little when my dh and I met.

Don't do it is my advice.

Thanks for all your messages..feel that im not going mad! and that my reservations are totally normal....sometimes i get very cross with myself for having fallen for a dad. i think its time i brooched my fears..thanks for all your views. Appreciated. x

Robina63 I am currently going through the same thing, I have been with my DP a year and we are moving in together in Jan. I am so scared of living with with his daughter, she is so lovely and pretty easy (nothing is easy if you don't have any children yourself and then suddenly you have a toddler half the time!) But I keep thinking 'what will I do!'. I have told my DP that at the end of the day she is his child and as much as I would like to do somethings as a 'family' I also need my own time away and if I feel its getting to much and I need to go for a walk or something that he shouldn't feel rejected. He has been very understanding. I am so in love that I think I have to give it a try, you never know it might be amazing some of the time! My DP also has the guilt thing about his ex and his daughter having to live between 2 houses , but you have to lay some ground rules on what you will and won't except from the EX. I will only pay attention to her demands if they are about DSD, otherwise it has nothing to do with her, I just keep saying that and it has finally got through. I say, its going to be hard, it probably has been hard getting through the last 2 years so if you love him then give it a chance. That's what I'm going to do. Good luck. X

i just moved in with my dp but not before we ironed out some issues and some potential issues, like his issues with ex etc. i dont see the point of going in with un-aired worries. thats like saying yes come and make my life miserable.
be strong tell him exactly what you are thinking, chances are he is thinking a lot of it himself.
fwiw things have been going great for me and dp except for the few ex speed bumps that have been pretty quickly smoothed out and we have 6 between us, so i would advocate it totally if you are really honest.

I agree with what others are saying about talking about the issues that are worrying you (especially the stuff about the ex) and if he can see you point, and agrees to make changes, then see if that really is the case before you move in with him. You say that sometimes the child "rules the roost" and she probably does because dad's (sometimes called disney dad's onhere) don't want to rock the boat with the child in any way, partly out of guilt and partly because they are scared the child won't want to spend time with them.
I lived with this situation for many years a very long time ago and it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Not only does does resentment build up, but you begin to dislike yourself for feeling so resentful of a child.

It is very convenient for your DP to move into your house and my guess is that you will feel more not less resentment, when dad and daughter are living in your home.

My advice (FWIW) leave things as they are, but if you are going ahead, then make certain he is taking notice of your concerns and things are changing before him and daughter to move in.

Step parenting isn't natural - animals don't do it!

NanaNina - think you hit the nail on the head..i already feel resentment..something ive never felt before - and i hate myself for feeling it..but it eats me up and am aware that im not dealing with it - i just keep hoping that everything will be ok..and lots of times things are great and i think this can work..but then something will happen - usually inititated by the ex..and i feel like screaming with frustration as feel im not living a true life. Also - am at an age where i think about children a lot and whether i want my own children and i dont feel comfortable in my relationship now to explore this - as am sensitive to other peoples needs. I love his daughter dearly and she is incredibly affectionate to me - and i think well is that enough - i can just play the really 'cool stepmum' but realistically know that im kidding myself.. but i wonder how she would react if there was another child on the scene. Perhaps she would love a brother or sister and perhaps i am worrying/thinking too much about it all..but i dont feel comfortable with my situation im in....have kind of spoken about these fears to my partner but he kind of glosses over everything with 'it'll all be okay dont think about it too much'...which infuriates me! Am a pent up ball at the moment!

Robina,

That attitude of "it'll all be ok, don't worry about it" was exactly what my DP used to say to me.

Now we are living together, it's become impossible to discuss things. With hindsight he was trying to kid me and himself that everything will be OK because he knew that if we really sat down and discussed things, he might be forced into making some compromises he didn't / doesn't want to make.

If you keep brushing things under the carpet, they will go away, is what I think he believes - but they don't.

You need to be able to talk about this and if it's important to you (as it should be) then he won't invalidate your feelings by dismissing it.

Be very careful Robina. My dh has 3. They're 23, 21 and 17. Eldest is lovely with me. Middle one fluctuates but is generally pretty good. You gets is dreadful AND ISN'T WITH US ALL THE TIME.

I've tried hard. Compromised myself heavily over the years. Still, she detests me and now won't visit at all. Dh supports me as he says I treated them all the same, have welcomed them and shown kinds under pressure (!!) was nothing to do with the end of his marriage to an unfaithful wife, BUT, I came into this with such happiness, optimism and genuine gratefulness that I and my young ds (with my ex) would be part of another "family". I WAS WRONG.

My dh too said to me (before we married) "she'll be Ok, she'll have to get used to it. There's NO RASON for her to dislike you and I cannot live my life looking for my daughters approval of girlfriend/wife". Brave words from him and yet, 3 years later.......here we are. And I have massive regrets.

Kindness under pressure ! IPad!!!

Redhen commented: ?that attitude of ?it will all be ok, don?t worry about it? was exactly what my DP used to say to me. Now we are living together, its become impossible to discuss things. With hindsight, he was trying to kid me and himself that everything will be OK, because he knew that if we really sat down and discussed things, he might be forced into making some compromises he didn?t/doesn?t want to make?

And that?s an excellent point. I think it?s a very male trait to gloss over things like that, but as we all know - the devil?s in the detail ??.

It always surprises me that we use the phrase ?blended family? because there?s rarely any blending taking place ? the child/ren are often put on a pedestal, and the new wife/girlfriend has to mould herself around their every whim. And that?s not blending in my books.

I would never do it. I have a step mother and my dad has been in several relationships before her. Never.

Hi Robina - the one very positive thing here is that you "dearly love the little girl and she is very affectionate towards you" so you must have shown her that you care about her and love her. Maybe she gets more attention from you than she does her own mother. Are you someone when tends to like children and have a natural way of caring for them?

I think the fact that you are wanting your own child is very important - I have some sense that the body clock is ticking? There is no knowing how the sc will react to a brother or sister, but it does demonstrate how complicated life can become with step parenting. If and when you have your own child, you need to feel free of any such worries. I think this should be a big consideration in how you resolve this matter. You say you don't feel comfortable in your relationship to discuss this, because of other people's needs. Your need to think about having your own child is extremely important and it is worrying that you don't feel you can discuss this with your DP. You must, because IF you get to the age when fertility is onthe decline and fail to conceive, your resentment towards dad and daughter may well increase.

Again I would advise caution - looking at the words you use in your last post "feel like screaming with frustration" "Idon't feel comfortable with the situation I am in" - DP glossing over things - as other posters have said this is what they tend to do as they don't think about things onthe same level as a woman, especially a woman in your situation.

Wise words NanaNina.

This lady needs to take a step back and reconsider, considering her "now" feelings. I went in full of home with one small apprehension re: youngest step. Oh Lord.....how I've lived to regret my faith in myself, others and this (now) young adult I sadly dislike.

I agree with the others-proceed with caution. Make sure it is discussed first so that it will be new rules and she won't rule the roost.

it makes me sad that i am so apprehensive about it all..i wish i could just throw myself in and get on with it....but i think about it too much and feel incredibly anxious and it keeps me awake at night..very annoying...and partner trys to be as supportive as he can be - but it doesnt sit right..i love him to bits but i feel like im being incredibly disloyal as i cant commit fully to the situation. And i would like us to be able to go away for a couple of days to breathe fresh air and have a proper chat about it..but he is self employed and a bit worried about money at present and the time he does have off he is with his daughter..am actually thinking perhaps i need to go away on holiday to take a breather..am too embroiled at the moment with thinking about it too much! Thanks for all the advice so far!

If you can't sleep now, just imagine when you are in the thick of it. Take it from someone who has been incredibly sleep deprived through stress since moving in with DP.

If money is tight my suggestion isn't going to work but when I was thinking of marrying DH2 I was concerned that he didn't know exactly what he was taking on as he saw DS for short periods where DS seemed charming. We went off on holiday for 2 weeks, self catering where the weather wasn't likely to be perfect the whole time. It gets hard when it is pouring with rain and you are trying to find things to do and DH2 did see DS in total meltdown.
We did go ahead and marry and it has been fine. However I wouldn't advise moving in and hoping for the best-you do need to discuss and know that you are going to have a united front and not DP and his DC v you.

I have some similar circumstances - DH is a coparent with 5 yo DSD. I was also apprehensive about being a stepmother. We have bad days once in a great while, but they are pretty isolated and have been easily resolved so far. Time will tell how I will feel in a few years, but for now, today, marrying my husband and becoming a stepmom was one of the best risks I've ever taken.

That said, I talk to DH about everything and I mean ever silly, petty ugly little fear that crosses my mind. His philosophy is that a step-parent is still a parent, which helps me immensely because I could not swallow running a household where every last detail is dictated by a little girl and DH's ex-wife. We are on the same page with parenting and not very defensive when we disagree with each other - this has been very important. Even little things like addressing independence issues or insisting they say "please" and "thank you" to me would have been a lot harder without my DH's support.

Have you two discussed selling your place and finding a new home together? Moving in with my partner was a very big step for me, one I was a lot more comfortable doing when I felt we were approaching a new life together as a family and not trying to fit me (or him) into the lifestyles we'd previously set up for ourselves. When we rented, and then bought, a place together, it was our home - not a space that one partner was letting the other live in, iyswim.

I do agree with the rest of the ladies here, you really need to talk to your partner. Definitely don't move in with him next week if you are feeling this anxious and nervous. It won't go away on its own.

I was in a serious relationship with a man with a child, and I ended it in the end because I couldn't do it despite really caring for him. I just don't have the temperament for it. I need clarity and simplicity too much, I realised also that I am quite territorial/selfish and would want the father of my babies to just be focused on me and my kids. I felt that I would feel torn between the decent person I would like to be (loving and unselfish to stepchild, decent to ex-wife) and this much nastier bit of me that wanted them to f**k off for ever. I know that isn't nice, but it is true.

Of course, things could happen later in life that mean I become a stepparent anyway, but at that point I was a twenty/thirty something without that baggage and didn't want someone else's.

I have massive admiration who are good stepparents, I really do. I really feel to do a good job of it takes something that I'm not sure I have - to me it is heroic, especially if there isn't the equalising factor of having your own kids that you are bringing to the equation. People who do that well, and with peace in their hearts are just brilliant! but I wasn't one of them.

I suppose I am saying that if there are things in your personality that don't suit it, then just be up front about them now and listen to your gut instincts. I sometimes think women feel they need to be endlessly loving, understanding and maternal however hard the circumstances are. However it is better to be honest than fail at being a hero.

wow! thanks for your response. am sort of coming to the conclusion that i may have the same thinking as you. i think that is what i am really battling with at the moment..can i handle that this is the way it is ...ive kind of felt like this for the past 2 years and i keep trying to battle it away..i so want to be committed as i love them both dearly and love being with them..they are part of my life but i just end up bursting into tears at odd moments..and i feel that its all i think about and i cant remember what i used to think about before i got together with my partner..i feel like im consummed with thinking about it! ..and i suppose its my own fault really..as have kept on trying -but there is quite a large part of me that feels resentful and i have never felt like that before and i find it a really upsetting feeling... How long were you with your partner?

Couple of years - this was five years ago now. It took a while to get over it, but I am about to have a baby with my absolutely adored partner, and I am really happy. And he feels ALL MINE (I know that's a rather crude response...)

I got into the relationship with the dad with child after the breakup of a previous long relationship and you know what? I think I had lost track of the sense that when things are right, you feel peaceful and calm, and you actually look forward to the future. Starting a life filled with anxiety about the future is hardly ideal.

The other thing is when a relationship/situation is right, you don't think about it or turn it round in your mind much, you just live it! If you're thinking about it constantly that is just so exhausting. I bet when you were fantasising about meeting The One as a teenager it didn't involve you feeling crap and crying all the time.

I think I also felt that I was dealing with the fallout of somebody else's marriage and babies when I hadn't even had my own! It just felt really unfair. I'd worked really hard to get my life sorted and I think I realised I just wanted to be offered something similar.

I really do sympathise with your situation so much, but all I'd say is that you sound like a sorted person on your own terms, and it is OK to want someone to offer you similar and yes it's a horrible conflict but you only have one life.

Have you thought about taking a break from the situation for a couple of months so you can really think about it? Or seeing a counsellor on your own ? (which is what I did and was brilliant).

Quite honestly, it is entirely in your bloke's and potential stepdaughter's interest that you only take this on if you are really going be able to keep embracing the challenge.

i dont feel peaceful and calm and i worry about the future all the time..its not good is it...

thanks so much for your response..i think im usually a 'get on with things' kind of girl and that is why i get so upset as i find it so hard to 'get on' with this..as i love them both..

i think some breathing space is what i should take as my thougths are so juggled at present and i cant make head nor tale of anything! it seems to take me an age to make any decision about anything at the moment. ive actually become rather dull and sbsorbed i think!

thanks again for your response

It is heartbreaking, and I wish you all the best. You deserve a life you can commit to and be happy with in the long term.....c