apprehensive about becoming a stepparent

[robina63]

Hi - am new to all this..

I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years - he has a 5 year old daughter who is lovely. He is a coparent and he and his ex have shared access. He now would like us to move in together and be a family - he currently rents - i own my own home - so it would make sense for them to move in with me as i have a bigger place - but i dont have children and the thought of actually living with dad and daughter in my home makes me anxious. I dont always agree with the way she behaves - she very much rules the roost in her dads home. At present they share a bedroom in his appartment(its a large place) but i feel uncomfortable staying over in the same room. His ex has never been very friendly with me and i often feel that i fit in with all their arrangements..and i often get cross with how she behaves with my partner as i often feel she takes him for granted as he feels incredibly guilty that his daughter has parents who arent together. (For info it was his ex that left him after having an affair). There is often some sort of drama going on with her which my ex tries to help her out with. Anyway..I have been fretting about whether i am strong enough to commit to this relationship ...am i biting off more than i can chew..so many threads from step parents i have read have said if they know now what they did then - they would never have got involved with a man with children.!!.if im having anxieties now - will they go away or get worse before i find some peace and harmony?! Would love to be able to relax and go with the flow - but if im honest - im actually quite frightened. Advice needed!

Am a bit worried about you Robina and the obsessive thoughts that you are having about your situation and the crying at odd moments. This sounds like it could be the build up of stress, and that is not good. I think you should endeavour to put the whole thing "on the back burner" and take the pressure off yourself about having to "solve" the problem. Why not just carry on as you are until you either feel ready to commit or to sadly separate. If your DP loves and understands you he should be ok about this.

I think you've had some really good posts but the trouble is everyone's situation is so different and whilst it's good to hear other's experience (which is why we post) when you are so muddled about what you feel, it is all too easy to "latch on" to the experience of others (good or bad) and then worry even more about which way is the right route.

"i would like us to be able to go away for a couple of days to breathe fresh air and have a proper chat about it..but he is self employed and a bit worried about money at present and the time he does have off he is with his daughter"

Robinia, the time he has off shouldn't just be his daughter's. He needs to commit to your relationship and you can't just forgo your own needs in favour of his child. At the start of a relationship we all think the parent-child relationship is most important - but truthfully you can't live like that the whole time and you need your partner to attend to your needs as well as his child's. So for a start, i would have some regular time off together.

I would not move in with this man.