Not enough room and want our own baby

[MissLaRue]

Title says it all really. My DSC share a room when they are with us. I think they are getting a bit old to share now as DSD is 10, DSS is 8 but we don't have the room for them to have a room each. Our 3rd bedroom is to small to even get a bed in. We plan to have our own baby after we marry this year but its worrying me more and more as we just dont have the room. The 3rd bedroom would fit a cot in but the added problem is that the boiler is in that room and makes a lot of noise. We can't afford to move so its not even an option. My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room. I'm not sure he's really thought that through, plus that will also mean they don't really have a room of their own,. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it work for you/.?
xxx

and parents should never give up their marital bed to accommodate s'kids

They're her stepkids, they are his children. He should be accomodating them. She knew he had children when they met, and those children should still come first IMO.

It doesnt work for everyone for them to give up their bed granted - but the OP lives in a 3 bed house. To say there isnt room for the children to stay when they have a baby is ridiculous. There is a box room for a futon, or a blow up on the floor. Fathers should not be so quick to change the access to their elder children when they have "new" families.

Giving up a bed for someone to stay IMO doesnt teach anything bad. Its shows children that sometimes you need to put someone else's comfort over your own because you love them. And you want to spend time with them.

Yes, overnights are not the be all and end all of access. But jesus, its 1 night a fortnight and the father wants to stop that? Poor children.

dadsgirlfriend, fwiw I do agree with you that sometimes overnights can be too much. You having 2 teenagers 3 nights a week in a studio flat is pretty hard going. On them and you. Its also pretty harsh they never see their mother on a weekend. My ex lives in a 1 bed flat - but he has the kids for 24hrs every weekend. Sometimes 6pm Friday-6pm Saturday, sometimes Saturday to Sunday. It means musical beds a bit (they could put the boys on the sofa bed in the front room but they go to bed at 7pm so they go in the main room and they sleep in the front room) but once a week its ok. I would not expect them to do that 3 times a week.

?They?re her stepkids, and they are his children. He should be accommodating them. She knew he had children when they met, and those children should still come first IMO.?

I really don?t think stepchildren should come first in the pecking order, although guilt/Disney parenting often means this is the case. It makes the new wife/partner feel resentful, and also any children from the ?second family? soon realise they occupy second place.

I think the adults should ALWAYS be ?head of the pack? in any household, with any children being ?next in line? and all having equal status with each other.

Too many fathers try and overcompensate to ridiculous levels with their stepchildren, having no idea of the trouble this causes.

?Fathers should not be so quick to change the access to their elder children when they have ?new? families?

But as we?ve said, time and time again, if a new baby were to arrive in a ?together? family, there may well be some changes. But in ?step world? it seems that the step children have ?priority status? and their arrangements CANNOT be changed under any circumstances, whereas in a bio family no one would bat an eyelid if a new baby brought about changes.

"?Fathers should not be so quick to change the access to their elder children when they have ?new? families?

But as we?ve said, time and time again, if a new baby were to arrive in a ?together? family, there may well be some changes. But in ?step world? it seems that the step children have ?priority status? and their arrangements CANNOT be changed under any circumstances, whereas in a bio family no one would bat an eyelid if a new baby brought about changes."

Yes, there would be changes but you wouldn't expect the children who lived there full time to go and sleep somewhere else so you shouldn't expect step children to stop over nights.

There have been possible solutions suggested by pps such as a specially made bed for the boxroom/futon/blow up beds. The OP (and her DP) could consider all these first.

OP I know you don't have the money to move to a bigger place but would it be possible to move sideways, so to speak. Could you look around for a 3 bed place where the smallest room is a bit bigger than what you have now? Then maybe the baby could have the small room, you and your DP could have the middle size room and then give the bigger room sectioned off, so they could have some privacy, to the DSC.

You say the DSC are 8 and 10. You're getting married later this year so, presumably, by then they will be closer to 9 and 11, if not already those ages. Then you have to actually tcc, which may or may not take a while, plus the 9 months pregnancy. So by the time the baby is born chances are that your DSC will be, at least, 10 and 12. The baby will be in with you for the first 6 months, then could move into the smallest room to start with. Assuming you conceive first time around by the time your DC is 6 the eldest will be going to uni and you can move who has what room. It could be that before that you'll find that the DSC who is the same sex as your DC will prefer to share with his/her half sibling, on the weekends they are there, to his/her sister/brother.

No, you wouldn't expect resident children to have to live elsewhere because a new baby arrives, however I don't think it's unreasonable for non-resident children to tweak their arrangements.

Which goes back to my comments that a father can still have an excellent relationship with his children, without the need for constant overnighting. You normally plan your housing needs around those people who live permanently in the house, those who don't live with you permanently generally have to fit in around those that do.

I think it comes down to whether you treat step children as "guests" or as part of the family. I think either way can work well and it depends on the situation and family. If they are treated as guests, it is acknowledged that their main home is somewhere else and they are treated as "special" when they come and life changes to accomodate them. This can generally work if the step children don't see much of the NRP.

If they are part of the family, then the disney stuff goes out of the window but they are allocated their own space / room and expected to contribute to family life by having rules and consequences.

What causes resentment is when step children are allocated a room in the home 24/7 even when they might only be there for a couple of nights a month and then they are still treated as "guests" by allowing them to behave as they like and by not doing every day stuff when they are with you.

nicely put theredhen

Yes - good point Redhen. We've all seen the problems that occur when the stepchildren get plenty of contact with the NRP, yet are still treated like Royal Visitors, causing life to grind to a halt.

Best not get me started on that one!!!

Petal,

And isn't why half of the posts appear on this board from frustrated step parents? The double standards of "they are part of the family", then treated like princes and princesses who can do no wrong?

And ultimately it's the step children who suffer through a false sense of entitlement which won't get them very far in the real world.

Overnights with NRP aren't essential for every family, they can be beneficial for everyone if managed correctly but expecting to keep a room completely free for children who only stay 1 night a fortnight, is madness, if you ask me. Sure, keep some bunkbeds in the second bedroom or get some camp beds or decamp to the sofa if need be, but don't put your whole life on hold for children who have their home elsewhere.

Redhen - I couldn't agree more.

Yes well said Redhen! My DSC's spend half the tine here and half at their mums and I think they behave like VIP guests in both houses!

Like Petal said - best not get me started...

Overnights with NRP aren't essential for every family, they can be beneficial for everyone if managed correctly but expecting to keep a room completely free for children who only stay 1 night a fortnight, is madness, if you ask me. Sure, keep some bunkbeds in the second bedroom or get some camp beds or decamp to the sofa if need be, but don't put your whole life on hold for children who have their home elsewhere.

I think we can all agree with this. The problem I had with the OP was that they had a 3 bedroomed house, with no children yet - but Father was of the opinion that once baby comes there are no more overnights. That to me was too far the other way!

I don't think that step children should necessarily have their own rooms. I was simply putting forward a couple of suggestions that the OP and her DP could consider. There's no reason why DSC's can't share with the children who live there full time.

Btw it could be said that some SC don't have one permanent home but two, especially in the cases where there is true 50/50.