Not enough room and want our own baby

[MissLaRue]

Title says it all really. My DSC share a room when they are with us. I think they are getting a bit old to share now as DSD is 10, DSS is 8 but we don't have the room for them to have a room each. Our 3rd bedroom is to small to even get a bed in. We plan to have our own baby after we marry this year but its worrying me more and more as we just dont have the room. The 3rd bedroom would fit a cot in but the added problem is that the boiler is in that room and makes a lot of noise. We can't afford to move so its not even an option. My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room. I'm not sure he's really thought that through, plus that will also mean they don't really have a room of their own,. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it work for you/.?
xxx

Sorry DP not DH.

Maybe I'm missing the point, but if the OP's DP continues to see his children, and spend quality time with them, surely that doesn't qualify as 'rejection', even if they (a) sleep on blow up beds; or (b) go back to their Mum's to sleep? I don't think the OP ever implied that her DP didn't want to see his children any more, just that there was a bedroom shortage?

The point, Petal, is that they have been staying there overnight, but he'll use the baby as an excuse not to have them overnight anymore whether than be bothered to find or work for a solution.

If you think they're not going to notice this and find it okay, think again.

In your situation there were never any overnights. He started as he meant to go on, not switched the goalposts.

It's not possible to tell from the intial post, whether the OP's DP actually wants to stop the overnighting, and is going to use the baby as an excuse to do so; or whether he'd prefer to keep the overnighting, but realises there are some space issues. And do we know if the children would like to continue staying over, or would they prefer to sleep at home?

Unless I've misread something, I can't see any mention of him wishing to upset his children, I interpreted the problem as a 'bedroom shortage' not 'I don't want to see my children.'

Impossible to tell?!

She writes that he said, 'My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room.'

8 and 10-year-old children are too young to make major decisions about custody arrangements and how they'd like them to be arranged .

I just can't see that it's space that is the problem at all. There are a multitude of common sense solutions, should a solution be required.

I?m not suggesting that 8 and 10 year olds can make those sort of decisions. But some children enjoy overnighting, some don?t ? some would be upset if the arrangements changed, and some wouldn?t.

It seems that most of us have decided the DP is the villain here ? when maybe he?s simply expressing concern over lack of space, rather than trying to reject his children. Without a little more information, it?s not possible to tell.

PS - I still think Redhen's suggestion of inflatable beds may solve the problem.

Majic - could your DD sleep in DBD's bedroom, as it's empty most of the time?

What does your DH think about this? Would he consider making some changes to DBD's room, so that DD can use it, or does it have to be a 'shrine' to DBD in her absence? I recall one poster, whose DH won't even let her put the ironing basket in DBD's room when she's not using it !!!

Is there no way you could move house? Clearly you need more space.By the way I think that comment by your DH about his children not staying is pretty . I feel sorry for his kids if that is his attitude.

I think the reason "overnights" have become so important in everyones minds is because this is how CSA maintenance is worked out. A NRP could have their children every evening of the week and every weekend during the day and have to pay full maintenance even though the NRP will be paying for all the food and quite possibly everything else for the child, there will be no reductions for "overnights" even though children don't cost nearly as much when they are asleep!

Personally I think it would suit our family better if the DSC were to go back to Mum's in the evening sometimes rather than stay overnight, because we then have to do lots of school runs, DP is at work and I am on my way to work. DSC can get the bus to school from their Mum's. I also think it would be nice to have the DSC come to dinner sometimes in the holidays as an "extra" rather than DP going a week between seeing DSC sometimes.

I do sometimes at people who seem to think that step children should have the best of everything at NRP house while seeming to forget that they are top dogs in PWC home as well. Why is it that step children never seem to have to be the ones to compromise, while it's OK for any other child in the family to do so?

OP wants a child of her own, is that such a crime? With a bit of compromise on everyones part (including step children) I think it could work perfectly well.

I do agree with some of the comments about the children not necessarily having to stay over night. On two of the 4 nights that DSD is with us her dad picks her up at 7, she comes back to our house, stays over and then goes to school at 8.30 the next day. What is the point?

However, I thinkthese children will react very badly and be damaged if they have always stayed over and as soon as the baby arroives they can't.

Could you get a sofa bed for the lounge so you and your partner could stay there and the kids could have your room when they stay?

Redhen/Berrieberrie: I agree with your comments, that overnighting seems to have gathered exaggerated significance due to the CSA calculations. I also agree that it's not the sleeping element of the visit that costs, it's the food etc! If DH is working late into the evening on an access night, he'll often collect SS at 9pm, by which time he's been fed by his mother, he'll arrive at our house, go straight to bed, then off to school the next day!

So the "costs" of that particular evening, ie tea/dinner, have been met by his mother, he doesn't actually get to see his Dad because he's asleep while he's with us, but the 'overnighting' has to take place, because, er well, it just does!!!

Redhen i agree that it seems to be the 2nd family children that have to go without as to not 'upset' the SC. I think kids are very adaptable and as long as they are shown love it shouldn't matter about certain things. However the constant tiptoeing ends up causing more problems and tensions in households which probably affects the SC more.

RhiRhi, that's exactly what I think too.

Well, in my view none of the children should 'miss out' as none of them have been asked to be born.

Since splitting with ex-H I have continued to have DSS's for one weekend a month. Their dad sees them and my DC seperately, so otherwise they wouldnt see each other at all. I dont have them overnight to reduce my CSA payments (as clearly I'm not financially responsible for them at all), I have them because it gives all the children a chance to have a sibling relationship.

They eat several meals together (and clear and wash up after them), sit in my bed in pjs together to watch cartoons, have a chance to argue and make up, DSSs read to my DC, and DC wake up DSSs by jumping on them in the morning. In my view these shared times are what make a family. Overnights contribute a lot to how welcome my DSSs feel in my home. I havent kept their beds (they took up a lot of room for 2 nights a month), but they each have a drawer with their clothes and pjs, and a box to keep their personal bits (shower gel, pens and paper, books, mostly stuff that my family buy them for birthdays and christmas). I hope they know that they are loved and welcome in my home.

I havent, and wont ever, tell them they cant stay overnight. I'd sleep in a tent in the garden before I discouraged them to come and stay any more. It's called loving your child (or someone else's op).

theredhen "Why is it that step children never seem to have to be the ones to compromise, while it's OK for any other child in the family to do so?"

because the step children (at least in the case of my ds1) already have to compromise all the time... in that they don't get to live with both of their parents which many/most of them would really want. whereas, again in my own experience, ds1's half siblings (2 my dc and 2 his dad's dc) get by far the best deal because they don't have to wait 2 weeks to see their dads, they get tucked in every night by their dads, etc.

I would look at the size of the rooms. If you have 3 rooms, have you thought about splitting the largest of the 3 rooms into 2 for the two oldest children? (I know some rooms arent big enough to do this...) OR dont split the room, but move the step children and the baby (when older) into a room together? I often think the parents can do with the smallest room- one big enough just to fit a bed in as generally we dont spend as much time in that room....

Also, good storage. Many beds can be raised with storage underneath. Also, in the smaller rooms, have you thoguht about moving wardrobes etc into hallway to free up space in the room?

For the box room with the boiler.... could you insulate or build a cupboard around it so its more soundproof? (i know that would be subject to regulations..)

I just think this is more a problem of home decorating and using the space you have the best way you can....

Oh and we were in a two bed flat when DD arrived. DSS had his room (he was 4 and was there part time...) and he wouldnt share. DD stayed in our room anyway as she was little. We now dont live there and our living arrangements are complex, but despite your partners comment, please do accept that they will be staying overnight and try and resolve the space problem with this in mind...

I totally agree with Redhen?s comment, that it seems to be the stepchildren who never have to compromise ? their needs/arrangements/bedrooms/weekends/finances have to be ?ring-fenced? and preserved at all costs,, often to the detriment of any ?new? children.. For example, if the family income drops suddenly, rather than EVERYONE having less, the money sent to the ex remains the same, yet the ?new? family will have to make real sacrifices.

Or in the OP?s case, the feeling seems to be that it?s unthinkable to tweak the present arrangements of the step children when a new baby arrives. I?m surprised no one has suggested that OP should put a new baby in the loft or in a shed at the bottom of the garden! I?m sure the OP and her partner can find a workable solution (inflatable beds?) but I really don?t think she should delay having a baby on account of the circumstances she?s outlined.

One of the reasons that I?ve never had a baby with DH, is that any new child in our lives would have to fit in around the almost ?intensive care? needs of my 16yr old stepson ? I don?t think there would be any chance of compromise.

Sorry not read the whole post as it seems la-rue is getting a bit of an ear bashing.

I do sympathise I desperately wanted more children and dp has had the snip and wont consider reversal. He is older than I and has four children and I two. The poor op does not have her own children so cant imagine how she is feeling. I have combated my urge by concentrating on a good career.

I totally agree with someone elses point (sorry cant remember who) That the non-resident child coming occasionally should not necessarily have their own room.

That is how we had it up until recently when DSS 19 moved out.

Four beds. DP and I room 1. DD 9 only girl had box room 2. DSS 19 had own room 3, and DSS 17 shared with my DS 7 in room 4.

Until we moved in DSS 17 had his own room but only visited on weekends and not regularly. He totally understood that my DD and DS could not share and she needed her own room. DSS is more than happy to share with DS as its only maybe two nights or four nights a month.

Could you extend in anyway? Conservatory? When the situation arises such as eight of us in one house, the older DSS of 24 blows up one of those high double beds and it goes in there.

Where there is a will there is a way.

For the record, I totally disagree that children dont have to overnight. How is a mother or father who is the resident parent ever supposed to meet a new partner? which before I get flamed, is great in making a child feel part of a family again. It can all work, my two have two families and are happy.

I love my children dearly, but even mary poppins needs a bloody night out, and child raising is for BOTH parents resident or not. How does the non-resident parent maybe getting a good career and social life fair on the non-resident parent that finds working let alone career extremley difficult.

Rant over, flame meeeeee!!!!

No, no, you're right - no flaming from this end! Of course there need to be some over nights. My point was just that sometimes the over nights happen for the sake of it IMO and if this was the case with OP, they could maybe reduce these so that the sleeping arrangements were more manageable.