Not enough room and want our own baby

[MissLaRue]

Title says it all really. My DSC share a room when they are with us. I think they are getting a bit old to share now as DSD is 10, DSS is 8 but we don't have the room for them to have a room each. Our 3rd bedroom is to small to even get a bed in. We plan to have our own baby after we marry this year but its worrying me more and more as we just dont have the room. The 3rd bedroom would fit a cot in but the added problem is that the boiler is in that room and makes a lot of noise. We can't afford to move so its not even an option. My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room. I'm not sure he's really thought that through, plus that will also mean they don't really have a room of their own,. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it work for you/.?
xxx

I find this bizarre. I'm now a lone parent to 4 and my ex doesnt see the kids, never mind have them overnight. If he did have them I'd see that as his opportunity to spend time with them, not mine to got out and meet another bloke. I certainly dont waant to meet another man - shouldnt we be concentrating on our kids?

Ex's are not 'babysitters' no matter what we think and I agree that there is waaaaay too much emphasis on 'overnighters' as being the best kind of contact to be had. If dad can still see the kids and spend time with them then I'm not sure why people are being so harsh on him? There are other options to consider and it should not stop OP having a baby.

And as for the poster moaning about the arrangements her ex has for her kids sleeping - why on earth would you send them so often if you're unhappy with it???

Overnight and longer contact is much more "normal". I can't imagine what type of relationship xh, and I for that matter, would have ended up having with dsd if she'd only come for day visits. He'd never have got to put her to bed, read a story, family breakfast round the table, all sorts of things. Have you never just gone and watched your children sleeping KidderminsterKate?

And I'm not on the look out for another man, but by golly the minute dd goes off to her Dad's now I make the most of every second to get out, have a social life, weekends away, do all the things I don't get to do when I'm being a mum.

No, I'm sorry melly My dp would choose his children over my dog in a heart beat.

oh I dunno - I just think kids need stability. Their things in their bedroom/s and one place to call home. i must admit I feel sorry for kids who regularly have to go stay the night with the other parent - even if they have the room to provide another bedroom complete with a different set of clothes/ toys etc. It seems rather sad to me for the child. I'm sure parents get alot out of that sort of relationship but I do wonder whether the children do.

I know I personally wouldn't like to have 4 nights a week in one place and then 3 in another or whatever. Sure its ok for the odd occasion but to do this week in week out year on year must be draining and I'm sure it has alot to do with why the whole step thing/ non resi parent becomes so difficult at times.

Kids are resiliant and I'm sure they adapt to that kind of set up but I dont think it is best for them. Not sure what's wrong with collection from school and then home for tea/ play etc and then nipping them home to go to bed. Or picking up early on a Saturday and having the full day and then taking home just at bedtime.

I hear alot about why PWC 'needs' the overnights and why the other parent 'needs' it - but not alot about why the kids actually need it. I do agree that CSA has something to do with this overnight craze.

My dad has been the best dad he possibly could have been to us. Does it mean he's a bad parent because he physically wasn't able to offer us each a bed for a couple of nights a week? Unless, he should've bought us a tent and made us sleep outside???

I agree with Kate and Melly - too much emphasis is put on the 'overnighting' and I'm not convinced it's necessarily beneficial for the child. I didn't stay overnight with my Dad when I was small, it didn't do me (or my relationship with him) any harm at all.

In fact I would have hated to spend my childhood living across two homes.

A lot of RPs seem to think they are entitled to 'nights off', but surely if the marriage/relationship hadn't broken down, then the child would be with them all the time, there would only be 'nights off' if the child stayed with relatives?

A lot of the 'overnighting' that takes place with my stepson, seems pointless for all those involved. It just means lots of driving for my husband, just for stepson to go to bed almost as soon as he arrives, and go off to school the next morning. Simply because seven years ago a roster was put in place to dictate that stepson spends so many nights per week with each parent.

Exactly. Thank you Petal. I imagine it can be very unsettling for a child apparantly not having a permanant home and constantly going from one house to another every few days. It's like playing tennis, but with a child.

About the RP not needing a break because if they were still together they would have the child every night - that is a completely daft reasoning I'm afriad IMO. If you are two parents then the two parents share the care. if you are a single parent you do EVERYTHING, i'm buggered if I'm letting my DD go round to play at her dad's house while i do all the getting up and going to bed business, i.e. the tedious boring bits that the kids don't enjoy.

I know some think that it's best for the child but how is it best for the child to see mum ran ragged trying to work, care, clean, wash, dress and dad doing the 'play' I'm sorry no, a dad who doesnt have at least a bed in their home for their own child (even if that is a blow up bed, shared bed, sofabed etc as I know not everyone has the luxury of aroom) IS in my book, pathetic.

I see both sides as a mum and a step mum. I beleive in what is best for the children but not to the detriment of the parent's sanity.

Both my DD and DSD enjoy having two homes. I've heard them talking to friends andf other adults about how great it is when they've thought i'mm out fo earshot.

It?s reassuring to know I?m not the only person who thinks overnighting doesn't always work. My DH runs himself ragged, ensuring the correct number of nights per week are adhered to, I don?t think either him OR his son get much out of it at times. The ex likes to despatch SS to us as often as possible, however it won?t be for ?nights off? as she?s re-married and has two under 5s, and as SS is 16, he is quite self sufficient.

Her agenda has always been to cause DH as much inconvenience as possible; she knows he finds all the picking up/dropping off quite difficult (she?s never done any lifts) and in the early days would insist (and DH was foolish enough to comply) that if DH were working away, he would come home mid-week, having to drive 200 miles, just to have SS overnight on Weds, as per the rota.

He?d then take SS to school on Thurs morning, and drive 200 miles back to the site he?s working on. I couldn?t believe DH would do this, just so that SS could sleep at a different address on Weds nights, but (and this is quite common) DH was scared that the ex would ban all access if he didn?t play ball. We?ve since realised that if the ex wants to cause trouble, she tries to increase the access, as she knows it causes DH real problems at work.

Too many people assume the PWC (usually the mother) is always the innocent victim ???

I absolutely agree with you on that Petal, Often we have DSD on a night where he fetches her (an added 30 minutes on to his 45 minute drive home from work) at 7pm, he then takes her to school the next morning (same long trip) She goes to bed at 9.30 so what is the point? A load of hassle for nothing.

But I don't agree that nights should be done away with altogether.

Every weekend ??!!! when do they spend time with their mum fgs?

I don't know why I was so shocked by that actually as we only have 2 weekend days a month where we don't have DSD... it just seems so silly when you see it writen down...

That is really disgusting dadsgirlfriend I hope he doesnt pay her anything (although i suspect i know the answer) What kind of mother (or parent of either sex!) would be happy to only see their kids week day evenings... how old are they? My DD is 5, if we had that arrangement I'd only see her 7.5 hours a week (between 6pm and 7.30pm x 5 a week)

Well then Berrie you need to broaden your horizens. If I were your child, and my dad left us for OW who had a dog, would you force me to go and stay there with him just because it was pathetic if he didn't? I would more than likely have ended up in hospital with an incredibly severe allergic reaction if that had ever have happened. Would you force me to go and sleep on a crappy freezing floating pile of rotten wood just because it was pathetic if I didn't go overnight? Would you also force me to go and sleep at his new partners parents house, who didn't have a spare room, they also had a dog and a vicious one at that? Would you really make me do all that just because it was pathetic for my dad to not have me overnight? IMO it is YOU who is being pathetic.

Don't be obtuse, of course I wouldn't force my child to go I would find their dad pathetic though.

I didn't say your mother should have made you go, or that i would make my child go.

I am sirry that it was your experience and for what ever reason you obviously don't hold your dad's actions against him but choosing to live with an animal that your children are allergic to and/or choosing to live on a boat where there was no wehere safe and warm for your children to stay with you is in my opinion not good.

Could your mother have made those decisions as was her whim? No. she had to be responsible and look after you.

He didn't choose to. He had no-where else to live. He had no money to get anywhere to live either. My dad is far from pathetic. He's a fantastic dad and grandad to my sisters kids. I don't really see how not being able to have us overnight has made him pathetic or any less of a parent! I know for a fact he would've loved to have us stay overnight but due to living arrangements it was a physical impossibilty!

My mum was very fragile for quite a few years after he left, she wasn't expecting it at all. She hated the idea of him even taking us out for the day let alone staying overnight.

Ok, I am sorry melly, reading back it seems like i am attacking you and I really am not. what ever happened in your family it is great you have such a great relationship with your father. I am sorry for questioning it.

dadsgirlfriend i guess where the kids are older they are probably with their mum for most of the evenings theyre with her as they wont go to bed until late. Really though, it is terrible she's not spending any of their weekends with them.

Thanks Berrie, it just makes me so angry sometimes when people judge things before they know all the details.

I just remembered this one time when we did actually get to stay with him, it was when he had his crappy rotting boat. He didn't really have a choice though, my mum had to go away and no-one else could have us. He had nowhere for us to sleep, so he put the back seats down in his car and we slept in the boot :o not the comfiest nights sleep we ever had.