Not enough room and want our own baby

[MissLaRue]

Title says it all really. My DSC share a room when they are with us. I think they are getting a bit old to share now as DSD is 10, DSS is 8 but we don't have the room for them to have a room each. Our 3rd bedroom is to small to even get a bed in. We plan to have our own baby after we marry this year but its worrying me more and more as we just dont have the room. The 3rd bedroom would fit a cot in but the added problem is that the boiler is in that room and makes a lot of noise. We can't afford to move so its not even an option. My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room. I'm not sure he's really thought that through, plus that will also mean they don't really have a room of their own,. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it work for you/.?
xxx

I think i'd do it differently - just a thought here (only read to page 3 so sorry if it's been suggested)

but how about you/DP stay on the sofa, baby has the bigger room, & either DP & DSS or your & DSD share your bed, while you have a futon/blow up in the box room?

sorry that wasn't clear,

you or DP: sofa,
Big room - Baby (or instead of the sofa one of you adults sleeps on a blow up in there)
box room - either DSD/DSS on a chair futon/chair bed
Your room: either you & DSD or DP & DSS (obviously it's mum to agree you sharing a bed with her DD)

assuming it's only a sat night that's 2 nights a month - not a great deal I don't think of moving about. (even still 4 nights a month isn't much in the short term)

I don't think it's ideal for a couple to sleep apart, with one of them on the sofa, to accommodate the step children. I doubt this would improve family dynamics, in fact I suspect it could cause resentment. and yet again it's a case of common sense going out the window, and reality being suspended, to ensure the step children come first. it's putting them ahead of OP in the pecking order, and that's never a good idea.

If a new baby arrives, everything will have to be re-shuffled; I don't see why the step children should always be the ones to have their status quo preserved, as if they're the most important people in the equation.

well as a step mum & mum, it's what i'd do if the need arose, DSS is no 'higher' than me in the pecking order & indeed the only one's below him in the pecking order are the dogs - in our house all the kids are equal, DP & I do what it takes to ensure that ALL kids are valued and feel a part of the family.

perhaps I should step away from this thread as I know it's also what XH & his partner do with DS - for the sake of 2 days none of the adults relationships suffer and likewise none of the children think they're above anyone else. it doesn't matter to us where we all sleep as long as we all sleep - and out of preferance myself or DP would prefer to be on the blow up as tbh if a bed's available I think a child should have it over an adult (unless it's an elderly adult).

what about getting a sofa bed for the living room and putting the dsc in your room when they stay over and you and dp sleep in the lounge?

Good post Dadsgirlfriend, all this needs to be kept in perspective.

been thinking about this

If overnighters are still part of he equation, could you get some custom made bunks to fit your small room for the skids? Seems like they only need actual sleeping space when they're there and the bunks may be useful for guests as well.

Baby will not stay baby forever and this will be their full time permanent home so clearly will need more space and privacy as I'm sure the kids have at their mums. I certainly do not agree with the OP and her partner giving up their bed! Blimey - when I was a kid I slept where I was told to and was often moved from my bed so grandma or auntie could stay......never did me any harm! Not sure this gives the right impression to any of the children in the household.

I have 4 kids and its a struggle to fit them in this house...if ex was on the scene I know there is not a chance that he would have a property with enough space to accommodate them all for overnighters and neither would I expect him too. And yes I am frazzled but I do do 'fun stuff' too with the kids. Bit puzzled by this implication that the PWC can only have fun when kids are at dads and the rest of the time is druggery?

the thing is ref giving up the bed - I think if a child is brought up to respect a parent & know that adults are in charge (for want of a better term) it really doesn't matter who sleeps where as long as all sleep.

I wouldn't be happy with an 8 & 10 year old different sexes sharing a room esp as they both get older - it's not fair. besides which in a few years whos to say the situation would be the same - hopefully by then the OP would be able to move home.

the very idea that moving about the beds etc gives the wrong impression doesn't sit well with me at all - after all, if MIL or family members came to stay i'd do the same - does this give the wrong impression to the child/adult?

agree with davidtennant - friend of mine has slept on a sofabed in her living room for years so that 1.she could get a nice one bed flat and be able to pay for it and 2. her dd could have a bedroom. another friend sleeps in her dining room with a curtain across from the living room so her dcs can have their own rooms. no issues with eirher arrangement - dont see why there would be?

OP does your partner actually want to have a child with you?

Because the whole if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room. sounds a tad like a guilt trip on you tbh?

DSS should have the main bedroom, DSD should have the next biggest room, the baby can have the box room and you can sleep on a blow up bed in the living room. I also think its terribly important that the children should be able to lock their rooms when they arent in there so as to maintain their privacy at all times. Try putting aside some money each week now as a redecoration fund too so that you can get new bedroom furniture etc for the children's rooms. I suggest selling off your bedroom stuff on ebay for some extra cash too.

I hear the technology with blow up beds is pretty advanced these days- after a month or two you will forget you are even sleeping on one and the electric pumps to blow them up each night are super fast!!

Maybe the OP should place the new baby with foster parents on access weekends, just to ensure the step children aren't faced with any changes to their routine????????

I would be livid if my ex said he was no longer having his children overnight because he was havign a new baby.

He lives in a 1 bed flat. When his 2 sons stay over, him and his girlfriend have the sofa bed in the front room. They accomodate HIS children.

They may be her step children, but fucking hell they are his children. Yes, he should bend over backwards to be accomodating when they want to stay, even if that means giving up his bed for a night. And she should be encouraging that, not letting him even think for a minute he can not have his children overnight to have more babies. The baby can sleep in with them for years if needed.

My ex and his girlfriend fell pregnant a couple of months back (but she MC) The idea was that the baby would be in with them in the main bedroom - and when the boys stayed over they would share with the baby or it would go in the front room with them. There was no suggestion that his children would be less of his life because he decided to have more children - and I would be livid if it were.

Having a bedroom isn't the lynch pin of a blended family you know.

Before we moved house, we had two bedrooms. When it was just me, DH and DSD visiting overnight once a month (other access in between), DH and I had one room and the other was given over to DSD.

When DS arrived, DSDs room became his room, because, get this, DS lived with us full time and therefore it was reasonable that he should have a room. Crazy huh? I know. Shoot me.

Surprisingly, DSD, being a reasonable sort, understood and wasn't put out by it. She had a room to herself at her main residence and we always made sure she was comfortable and had somewhere to stay and gave her lots of attention when she was with us.

IMO it would have been bloody stupid of us to have DS in our room for evermore just to accommodate someone who came once a month. That would mean DSD had two bedrooms to herself and DS had none. Now I know not everyone has this idea and that it will not suit everyone's family circumstances, but it didn't bring the world crashing down.

Reallyneedadvice - apologies if you have already mentioned this, but what are your DH's thoughts about using DSD's room when she's not with you? When space is short, surely you can't keep one bedroom empty just in case someone wants to use it?

Smokinaces, sorry if I am misinterpreting your post, but your words reminded me of DH's ex. She has always tried to insist that DH sticks to the overnight arrangements like glue, no matter what else is happening in life. She does this out of bitterness, and is very well aware that DH's life has changed over the years, but she always used to get very nasty indeed if DH ever suggested he couldn't have the children for any reason.

Again, apologies if I'm taking you the wrong way, but I detected some bitterness in your post, almost like you don't care what changes occur in your ex's life, you will insist he sticks to the overnight arrangements come hell or high water, and won't offer him any flexibility.

You do hear of some vengeful exes who use the kids to cause maximum aggro.

No Petal, I do give him a lot of flexibility - we often change nights, he is going away for 2 weeks in July, he is having the kids for 4 nights in a fortnight. Of course if and when they have their own children I wont expect them to have them overnight the weekend she gives birth or anything - but equally I would expect them to make arrangements for them to still spend those weekends with them including overnights. I am very lucky that the new GF is very accomodating with the children, and gets on very well with them.

If one enters into a relationship with someone who already has children, they have to accept that there will be money and time given by the father to their children from the previous relationship. I do get very het up about fathers stopping overnights, and cutting down access because they have their "new families" - mainly as I have seen friends children go through a lot.

I would never use my children to cause aggro. We work very hard to be civil and almost friendly to each other as adults - we can even all manage an afternoon together in the pub.

I would by no means expect a room to be available for my children 24/7 at their dads - but I would expect them to make arrangements for them to be able to sleep over regularly whether thats sofa beds, bunk beds or futons etc. And I would be livid if this wasnt the case - simply because my children adore their father and love spending their time with him each weekend and a big part of that for them is sleeping over.

and equally I look forward to the 24hours break I admit!

Smoking - sorry, I clearly read your post the wrong way.

Sadly though, there are some people who just can't accept that when a new baby comes along, even in a 'together' family, it dilutes the amount of money, bedrooms, time and attention previously given to the existing children, and this is probably more obvious in a step family situation.