Not enough room and want our own baby

[MissLaRue]

Title says it all really. My DSC share a room when they are with us. I think they are getting a bit old to share now as DSD is 10, DSS is 8 but we don't have the room for them to have a room each. Our 3rd bedroom is to small to even get a bed in. We plan to have our own baby after we marry this year but its worrying me more and more as we just dont have the room. The 3rd bedroom would fit a cot in but the added problem is that the boiler is in that room and makes a lot of noise. We can't afford to move so its not even an option. My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room. I'm not sure he's really thought that through, plus that will also mean they don't really have a room of their own,. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it work for you/.?
xxx

Lovely post ballstoit.

Second that Bramshott - really nice to hear about step-parenting/parenting that is all about kind and loving relationships.

theredhen "Why is it that step children never seem to have to be the ones to compromise, while it's OK for any other child in the family to do so?"

because the step children (at least in the case of my ds1) already have to compromise all the time... in that they don't get to live with both of their parents which many/most of them would really want. whereas, again in my own experience, ds1's half siblings (2 my dc and 2 his dad's dc) get by far the best deal because they don't have to wait 2 weeks to see their dads, they get tucked in every night by their dads, etc."

Yes, but step children often have 2 rooms, 2 lots of toys, 2 lots of pocket money, 2 lots of xmas and birthday presents, not to mention extra presents from step parents family too. Whilst they might not see both parents everyday, what they do tend to get is much greater amount of quality time because parents who don't have their children all the time tend to do the mundane chores when the children aren't around so they get more time to concentrate on fun things with the kids.

My DS has 1 bedroom, sees his father for a few hours once a fortnight, has the second smallest bedroom in the house, has to get dragged along to do boring and mundane stuff, has to share all his stuff with step kids, has to sleep on a sofa at his Dad's. He has 1 parent ferrying him to clubs, paying for him and generally taking responsibility.

His step siblings, I feel, fare much better than he does and people tend to "pity" them more even though DS is a step child too and is exactly the same, but he doesn't benefit from everyone pussy footing around for fear of upsetting him.

I realise everyone's situation is different, but there are lots of advantages to being a step child in a lot of cases and making some non resident children share a room or sleep on a temporary bed is not the end of the world. Surely teaching children that they ALWAYS come first and that they never have to compromise is not the correct way to bring up decent, caring, understanding young people.

I am NOT saying that the OP should not have the children at all, but I don't understand why a compromise cannot be made.

I can't understand how, in a three bed house a family cannot accomodate three children especially when two aren't there full time and one is a baby. Surely there must be other families of a similar size who cope?
Yes, the third room is small and and the childrens gender is likely to be an added complication in time, but this should not be an unsurmountable problem to the point where SC's cannot stop over.
(I would think maybe OP's husband comment about them not stopping simply provides a practical solution in his mind and he hasnt really fully thought through how his DCs may feel.)

It is one thing that really bugs me.

OW has two kids two separate rooms in their house, my DCs spend 3 nights per week and every other weekend with her and EXH - they had till recently been made to sleep on camp beds or the sofa. Not even sharing rooms as there are one of each same as her all between the ages of 6 and 2.5. Have no prob with the two girls and two boys sharing but Oh no, OW says no and spare room is small but for proper guests. (Did not realise this was going on until DC told me sis had rolled of sofa in the night and cried)

And people wonder why step kids feel out of place, not part of the family and play up.

Being an evil EX, I bought eldest DC an indoor tent and he took it to EXH and said he and his sister would have this in the lounge as there room if there was no space. They loved it and now want one at home but it makes my heart bleed that they can be treated so poorly by an adult. They are innocent children who have equal rights in EXH house , just a shame some adults can not rise above their own bitterness and insecurities.

Your step kids are equal members of your family.

"Your step kids are equal members of your family." - I think what redhen is saying though, is that very often, they are actually treated more favourably, rather than equal.

E.g. my MIL, until DH repeatedly had words with her about it, would 'treat' DSSs to all sorts of things and leave out DS (who is both mine and DH's son). Just because they get 'pitied' as they are step-children. Similarly DH will spend up to 12 hours a day entertaining them when at our house, whereas on alternate weekends when they're not here, he'll get on with stuff as normal incl. DIY whatever

Because he hasn't seen his own children for two weeks, perhaps?

I couldn't imagine mine living somewhere else for two weeks

MissLaRue - I see you have the usual guff of people projecting their own crap onto your post as per bloody usual on this board, .

What your DH said about the DCs not stopping over sounds like one of those stupid things that men say when they are not actually thinking what they have said through.

3 bedrooms is plenty

Option 1 - larger bedroom is big enough for you to put some kind of screen down the middle and separate into two so the two DSCs can still share as they get older. Baby stays in with you for first 6 months and then moves into the small room.

Option 2 - baby stays in with you for first year. Taking into consideration conception, pg and first year, DSD will be 12-13 and may be up for having the little room. Baby has the larger room, but sleeps in with you when the DSCs come.

If your DSCs are anything like ours then by the time they are teenagers, they won't be coming to stay that often anymore anyway (although I know this is not always the case in all families.)

Is extending into the loft or garage an option? If all else fails and you find it doesn't work, then you can move, but I certainly wouldn't say it prevents you from having a baby. Not starting your own family because of step children needing to have their own room is bollocks IMO.

Yes colditz but 12 hour long entertainment has unfortunately resulted in DSS being one of these terminably bored people who are absolutely unable to generate any independent ideas as to how to amuse oneself when not stimulated. Ultimately that will be to his detriment. As an objective observer, I am merely pointing out that it is not necessarily a good thing.

Put the baby in the little bedroom when he/she is too old for your room, I am currently in my old bedroom at my parents with DS2, 18 weeks.
The hotwater tank is in here, I had forgotten how loud it was especially when my Dad had a shower at 4am, DS2 slept like a log though.

I have a friend who has 4 kids, 2 by her ex husband and 2 by her new husband. Absolutely everyone "felt sorry" for her first 2 kids, even though they had the best of everything and all the time and love from her and his parents that was denied (for some reason) to her youngest children.

Her eldest kids ended up living with their Dad with her own parents helping her ex out massively (when they had never helped her), she was spending all her disposable income on seeing her eldest kids and leaving herself with no money at all for her youngest children.

Not surprisingly, she became increasingly protective of her youngest kids and it caused a huge rift in the family.

A good example of step children being treated more favourably just because they are step kids.

I really can't agree more. OP your world shouldn't have to stop just beacause your Dp has children. It shouldn't mean that you'd consider not having your own children beacuse you have step children and it might affect them! I bet anyone who disagrees with that has has their own children that are SC however no woman should be put in the situation that she feels she can't have kids because others already exist!
My MIL spoils DSS so much its unbelievable to the point that she buys him expensive gifts all the time regardless of whether or not its a special occasion so subsequently he wants wants wants and everything we bought him for xmas including a digital camera he wanted hasn't even been looked at due to the fact that every week something 'better' comes along. It's turning him into a spoilt brat as he expects it now.
He is always bored and doesn't know how to entertain himself unless he is in front of a playstation or has something 'new'.
If DH and i suggest all doing something together (which we do every time we have him) he ends up moaning the whole time and spoiling it for everyone else. Without sounding mean and like im tarring everyone with the same brush I find SC to be much more selfish as they don't tend to think of how other people feel as they have never had to because everyone runs around after them making sure they are pleased before anyone else and i don't believe thats the way it should be. If anything that causes more sibling rivalry as they 'new' DC's will wonder why their older half silblings are favoured more and get away with more.

Yes, one of my SD's asked when she was going to see my family next because she was worried she wouldn't get her Easter Egg from them. I've heard DSS say "oh goody, more money" when he saw his own grandparents pulling onto the drive on his birthday, then proceeded to snatch card and shake it for money.

I would be mortified if DS had ever done such a thing. He has been taught to be more respectful by understanding that he can't have everything from everyone and he only gets one birthday, one Christmas and one Easter unlike my step children who get and expect several of both!

RhiRhi123 'I really can't agree more. OP your world shouldn't have to stop just beacause your Dp has children. It shouldn't mean that you'd consider not having your own children beacuse you have step children and it might affect them! I bet anyone who disagrees with that has has their own children that are SC however no woman should be put in the situation that she feels she can't have kids because others already exist!'.

Not sure I agree with you at all RhiRhi - the OP's OH already has two children that he doesn't seem to bother with much (ie: saying they needed stay at his house when he has 'more' children) - so why on earth would any woman choose to have children with such a man? The stepchildren do exist and OP should have taken that into account when she started a relationship with her DP.

I've not seen anywhere the OP hasn't taken into account her DP having children already and if her DP doesn't bother that much with his kids, then why would space be a problem? There's a lot being inferred from one sentence.

But of course, anyone who already has children shouldn't have any more if they get together with someone else. Cos that's realistic isn't it.

New children impact on existing children regardless of whether its with the same mum or dad or a new partner. No one would tell someone not to have another child with the same partner because they would have to share a room or the PFB's nose would be out of joint, so why the heck should it be different in a blended family?

"I think men who can't look after their own children overnight are pathetic"
Colditz, what the actual fuck?
I was 7 when my dad walked out on us, and apart from when me and my sister went on holiday with him a few years later we have NEVER spent the night at his place. When he left he moved straight in with OW, she had a dog so we couldn't stay there even if we had wanted to. He split up with her then went to live on his yacht, which was just a big rotting floating pile of wood, so we couldn't stay there, even if we had wanted to. Then he met his now fiance, and moved in with her and her parents. So obviously, we couldn't stay there. He got rid of that boat then bought a new one, a gorgeous 50yo sea fishing trawler, him and then-GF went to live in Cornwall on her. That was the only time when we ever stayed with him, for 10 mights. They sold that boat after about 6 years, then bought a narrowboat back up here, which they live on now. They had a daughter, and my dad has actually just had his boat lifted out of the water and stretched by 8 feet so my little sister can have her own bedroom, she is now 4. We have never spent a night on this boat either. 10 nights, in that past 12 years is what I have spent overnight with my dad.

Re the 3rd bedroom not being big enough for a bed . . . when the time comes it's worth getting a bed made to fit in, cabin style to the space you have got. You can buy mattresses made to measure.

Normal beds at 6'6" long, if you only have 5'6" that should do fine until the child in that room is about 14.

You could try a cupboard round the boiler to quieten it. Or, you never know, it might break down in the next few years and while replacing it you can move it.

The OP stated 'My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room.'

I think that comes across as pretty uncaring towards the children babyheave - that he is prepared to have more children yet not have his own children to stay?

I don't have stepchildren myself but I am a step-child and I know that my DSF never, ever treated me any differently to his 'birth' children, or made me feel any less 'important or special' for which I am incredibly grateful.

It was one sentence. You don't know what else (if anything) has been said or how he acts with his children or anything - hence why inferring too much from one sentence.

Melly19MummyToBe what's your point to coldtitz?

berrie - I think she was just a bit cheesed off at someone saying her father was pathetic for not having them overnight.

Umm... Isn't what she descibes a bit pathetic though... sorry, the situation melly described doesnt put her father in a very good light!

I agree with berrieberrie.

Melly - "she had a dog so we couldn't stay there even if we had wanted to". Please could you explain how the OW having a dog stopped you from staying there. I'm honestly not having a go, it just sounds like an excuse your dad/OW gave.

The fact that if a parent physically cannot have their children overnight it does not make them pathetic. I am severely allergic to dogs, if I spend any more than about half an hour in the same house a dog it feels as if my lungs have shrunk to the size of grapes, my eyes puff up and start watering, my nose constantly runs, I can't stop sneezing and my arms go all itchy.

Thanks for explaning about the dog Melly. That makes more sense now.

Whilst Colditz used a stronger word than I would have done, I still think that parents should do absolutely everything possible to spend time (including overnights) with their children.