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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Not enough room and want our own baby

165 replies

MissLaRue · 10/04/2011 18:23

Title says it all really. My DSC share a room when they are with us. I think they are getting a bit old to share now as DSD is 10, DSS is 8 but we don't have the room for them to have a room each. Our 3rd bedroom is to small to even get a bed in. We plan to have our own baby after we marry this year but its worrying me more and more as we just dont have the room. The 3rd bedroom would fit a cot in but the added problem is that the boiler is in that room and makes a lot of noise. We can't afford to move so its not even an option. My DP has said in the past that if we have a baby then his kids just won't be able to stay over as our baby will have to have that room. I'm not sure he's really thought that through, plus that will also mean they don't really have a room of their own,. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did it work for you/.?
xxx

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

colditz · 10/04/2011 22:05

No. If he is actually legally obliged to be out of the country because he's in the forces, then that's not pathetic.

but that isn't the majority of non-res parents, is it? And deciding that you don't want your children to come because you are having another baby isn't the same as being bombed in Libya!

Original poster

MissLaRue · 10/04/2011 22:05

I think the message is clear here then, i'm not allowed to have my own kids because I can't afford a bigger house. If DP didn't have kids then it would be fine, but because he does, I can't have my own family

OP posts:

Littlefish · 10/04/2011 22:06

Petal - in those cases, then I would expect the NRP to make sure they have their children to stay when they are back from mission.

Just because a parent works shifts, or is working away doesn't mean they are absolved of responsibility for caring for their children and continuing a relationship with them. It just means that they need to work harder at finding a solution. I can't think of a single profession where someone works permanently on nights with no holiday or days off!

colditz · 10/04/2011 22:06

And there doesn't need to be an access rota, but there does need to be access, rather than ice cream and jolly times all day.

A doctor is not on call every night of his/her life. He/she could take the children when they aren't on call.

colditz · 10/04/2011 22:07

MissLaRue, you knew the situation when you met him. You can't replace someone's children with your own, you have to accept them as his children as much as yours will be.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2011 22:09

The message is why would you want to have kids with a man who can't be arsed to find a reasonable workround to have his kids overnight?

Honestly, he is the one who should be taking on another job to get the money for an extension or another home or to pop the loft, not just 'Sorry, kids, gotta a new baby now, no more overnight for you!'

Because I don't know about you, but if I were his kid, I'd take that as a big fat, 'Fuck you, you're second tier now I've got my new 'family'' and our relationship would reflect that accordingly. As a child, it would be probably reflect that by acting out. As an adult, it would be reflected in that he would cease to exist to me.

colditz · 10/04/2011 22:09

Oh, and - the forces will provide non-res parents with temporary accomodation for having their children overnight. My friend's ex is RAF. He still manages to have his children overnight.

Littlefish · 10/04/2011 22:10

MLR - the fact is that your DP does have children, so therefore, consideration needs to be taken of their needs. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have kids, in fact, I suggested several solutions:

Futon in the spare room
Baby in with you when DSC come to stay
You and dh on a sofa bed when DSC come to stay

Your dp is the one being an arse, by suggesting that his children can't come and stay if you have children. I agree with others though that you should think very carefully about having children with him if he is prepared to neglect his parental duties to his existing children so easily.

expatinscotland · 10/04/2011 22:10

Exactly, colditz! I would think, 'How would I feel if it were my child, or me, that he just shoved aside because of his new 'family'?' It's a lot of why I never went out with men who had children because to me, such people should be a package deal in most ways and I knew I was too selfish to handle that, so I'd be doing everyone, most of all the kids, a big disservice.

MammyT · 10/04/2011 22:14

What's this obsession with kids having their own rooms? Keep the baby in your room until he/she is about 2 years, then put him/her in the same room as their sibling of the same sex. The baby would love it.

Pushing out the step-children is a total no-no in my book. I wouldn't even consider it and I'm sure your DP won't either once he thinks about it more.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 10/04/2011 22:19

Like Littlefish said, can't you put a sofabed in your front room? Then you could use that, and let one or other of his dcs sleep in your room when they come to stay?
Also, fwiw, the fact that the boiler makes noise doesn't necessarily preclude you from using that bedroom for any potential baby. Babies get used to sleeping through noise, just as adults do.

Cyclops99 · 10/04/2011 22:20

You have a three bedroom house, one way or another you'll figure it out, adapting as the dcs get older. My dd and Ds stayed once a week at exh's and he lives in a one bedroom flat! Don't over think how it's going to work, unless someone is looking for an excuse not to have another baby.

ballstoit · 10/04/2011 22:21

MissLaRue - now I wonder whether you have the emotional maturity to cope with DC anyway.

"I think the message is clear here then, i'm not allowed to have my own kids because I can't afford a bigger house. If DP didn't have kids then it would be fine, but because he does, I can't have my own family"

Grow up.

If you want a child you will need to consider how their arrival will affect their brother and sister's lives. Or you will need to find someone else to have a child with.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 10/04/2011 22:22

Oh and following on from MammyT's post. I'm not in your situation, but I do have a ds and a dd, and I only have a 2 bedroomed house. Ds (nearly 6) has his own room, but it's not big enough to fit dd in comfortably too, given it's also the way through to the bathroom. So dd (nearly 4) sleeps in a toddler bed in our bedroom. It's obviously not sustainable long term, but isn't a problem at the moment. If you're creative enough about it, you can definitely have your own kids without pushing his out.

ballstoit · 10/04/2011 22:22

Colditz would you like to have a chat with ex-H and explain why he should have his DC overnight, please? You put it so much better than I do.

Petal02 · 10/04/2011 22:23

Misslarue, why should you delay having a baby??? What if you're already well into your 30s and don't have the luxury of waiting til your stepkids are over 25 (or whatever)???? I think you should go ahead and have a baby, let your DP make some appropriate arrangements with sofas etc. Don't live in the shadow of his ex.

colditz · 10/04/2011 22:26

His children are not ex, petal. They are still his children.

ivykaty44 · 10/04/2011 22:28

Please go and google short beds, you will find there are companies that know box rooms are to small for a standard bed and they supply beds to fit in the room - possibly short bunk beds for the two step children to sleep on when they visit and sleep over.

ballstoit · 10/04/2011 22:34

Petal, you make no sense. It's not his ex who sleeps over once a fortnight, it's HIS CHILDREN.

Tesco and Argos both do 'shorty bunk beds', lots of places do high sleeper beds which fit on the longer side of a box room but dont block access, your DSC could sleep on sofa bed. Lots of alternatives. Which is why it's so worrying that your DP was so quick to say that HIS CHILDREN would not e able to stay overnight any more.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 10/04/2011 22:37

Have to say, too, MissLaRue, and I know it's judgey of me, sorry, but I'd be VERY wary of having a child with a man who was willing to treat his children from a previous relationship as somehow 'lesser beings'. They're as much his children as any child you have with him, and should be treated as such.

wubblybubbly · 10/04/2011 22:40

IKEA do short beds.

Is this 3rd room actually a bedroom if it can't physically take a bed? I've seen some small bedrooms, but a bed only needs a space of about 4ft by 6ft 3. Anything smaller than that is a cupboard surely?

theredhen · 11/04/2011 08:48

I too think there are lots of ways round this - futons, bunk beds, blow up beds etc. There is no reason not to have the step children in this instance.

However, there are some cases where it is not beneficial for the child to stay overnight with the NRP - shared housing is one example I can think of or maybe the NRP is just not cut out for looking after kids overnight, you can't make someone step up to their responsibilities if they don't want to.

To whoever said that if a man doesn't have his kids overnight, how is the PWC supposed to get a break? A NRP isn't a babysitter! Having been a single parent for many years, I learnt that if I wanted a break I paid for a babysitter.

Petal02 · 11/04/2011 09:11

I hadn't thought of blow-up beds Redhen - that's a good point.

I wasn't trying to suggest that the OP should NEVER have the step children to stay over, I was just pointing out that it is entirely possible for a father to have a good relationship with his children without regular overnight stays, if that suits the family in question. It clearly doesn't suit everyone, however there's never a 'one size fits all' solution.

expatinscotland · 11/04/2011 10:00

let your DP make some appropriate arrangements with sofas etc. Don't live in the shadow of his ex.'

He's not interested in making appropriate arrangements, but in not being bothered with his kids overnight anymore.

Still don't get why anyone would want to have children with a person who think so little of his own flesh and blood.

breatheslowly · 11/04/2011 10:05

I think that other posters are right - there must be a solution that doesn't involve rejecting your DH's children. Your phrasing in your first post is quite interesting that you want "our own baby" (as opposed to "a baby together"). I think you need to acknowledge that your DSD and DSS are your DH's own babies and have just as much right to him as your new DC would have.

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