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Step-parenting

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Original poster

He laughs at me with her via text message

61 replies

Lorna80 · 04/03/2011 07:38

hi all apologies for the namechange but i dont want this one to follow me. it started on wednesday when dh and i were in the car, he drove to this office he needed to go in and i said id wait in the car. he uses his phone as an mp3 player and had it on at the time so i asked if he'd leave it so i could listen to the music. he said no. i asked why and he couldnt give me a straight answer, just said "because i said not" Hmm and then he made up some stupid excuse that hes waiting for a call. this made me think he NEVER leaves his phone unattended where i am. i leave mine all over the place, he doesnt. he even takes his into the bathroom with him. so next opportunity i got i snuck a peak and found a load of text messages between him and dsd more or less laughing at me and taking the piss. on one day id gone out and she text her dad asking where id gone. he text back saying id gone to my mums and she replied "yes!!! thank god shes out haha xxx" and he text back "yay! lol x". another one she text him asking what time she had to be in bed, in text back "whenever, just be quiet so she doesnt notice" and she replied "lol! okies xx"
another one - he text saying "lorna cant come with us on sunday" she replied saying "oh what a shame...........jk!!! cant wait even more now! haha x" he replied "i know! haha x"
she has been a complete pita to me lately, he sticks up for her at every turn and now i know why. hed never admit all this but now i know why hes protective with his phone. has anyone else ever had to deal with anything like thus? is this one too far gone to repair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorna80 · 04/03/2011 10:25

i have tried before making him realise his behaviour is wierd. i remember one time he was sat texting her all night (she was in her bedroom upstairs at the time!) and i said to him "you two are so wierd, you sure you're father and daughter and there isn't some flowers in the attic secret going on??" and bviously he was mortified and it ended up in a massive row but he still doesnt see it. i remember one day we went out and she kept putting her arm in his and leaning against him etc and i was left dragging begind and i made up a story later saying "oh btw, i saw steve and carrie in town, they thought you and dsd were boyfriend and girlfriend! how strange" he said "really??" and thought it was funny! he just doesnt get it. i know it sounds stupid but i honestly feel like just "one" of his 2 wives because he treats her as if shes his other wife. everytime he pops to shop he takes her along and they come back with shopping for the whole family just like a married couple yet when i go with him i dont really get a say in what we buy he just takes over. what annoyed me more than anything last night was after he said i couldnt borrow his phone later that might she came downstairs and said "dad can i borrow your phone to send some bluetooth?" and he got it out for her straight away and she buggered off to her room with it yet he wont let me anywhere near it.

OP posts:
ScarlettWalking · 04/03/2011 10:29

That really sounds like they are shutting you out.

Why are you putting up with it? I would so leave, leave them to it basically. Good luck to them. When she moves on and has her own life and a family he'll be sorry he lost you.

Original poster
Lorna80 · 04/03/2011 10:33

its funny scarlett thats what i keep thinking. the way i feel today i realluy cant see me lasting 6 months never mind a year and part of me looks forward too the day she leaves home and he realises what hes dedicated his life to, years of being on his own because i certainly wouldnt go back even after shes gone. im sick of being treated like a 2nd class person. he slags me off like this but he still knows where to come when he wants money or sex though Hmm ive been such a mug im so pissed off with it all

OP posts:
ScarlettWalking · 04/03/2011 10:36

Just leave, really you will have a lifetime of coming last in the pecking order. You need to be cherished and loved not a life like this. You cam do it!

DuplicitousBitch · 04/03/2011 10:40

do you have kids together?

have you posted about this stuff before?

it is shite, leave

nobodyimportant · 04/03/2011 10:46

I couldn't stay in a relationship where I was shown so little respect. I'm sorry. I think I'd cut my losses.

melezka · 04/03/2011 10:47

This dynamic is waaaaaaaaay wrong and it needs to change very very soon.

Either he changes the dynamic by addressing and reversing his behaviour, or you change it.

You can try to put things in place to help him change his behaviour, but you can't change it for him.

The only thing you are in charge of is your own decision about what to do. Trying to get help might work. Leaving in the hope that he will be sorry might feel better in the short term but frequently it doesn't go like that. However, leaving because you are sure this won't change, and because you know that this scenario is wrong for you, and in search of a better life for yourself, that is a more positive way to view that decision.

I'm sure other people will have good advice. I really don't want to get all up in arms on your behalf but I can't leave this one alone. Just wrong. Good luck.

Abip · 04/03/2011 11:49

LtEve brill post. Lorna I would not put up with this. If you want to stay together I think LtEve's suggestions will definately help.

tokenwoman · 04/03/2011 12:11

lorna, book yourself into a hotel for the weekend in the next town, take some books turn your phone off spend sometime on your own, sleep, watch movies, drink tea, pour a long hot bath, spend sometime thinking about what you want
his behaviour is a deal breaker

Smum99 · 04/03/2011 12:14

This is bullying behaviour and he is part of. It's like girls at school ganging up on the 3rd member of the group. You have to stand up for yourself or walk away. Tell him you have seen the text messages - it is completely unacceptable, don't let him argue that's it a joke, it isn't. If he can't see it and won't consider counselling then I'm afraid you don't have a choice. My DSD tried this (coached by her mum), DH struggled to acknowledge it as he felt it would be admitting his precious daughter was capable of such behaviour. We got there in the end but I would not have tolerated it.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 04/03/2011 12:18

You are right smum.
Lorna he is bullying you, which in itself is an absolutely horrific thing, but the fact he is joining forces with his DD and behaving like a teenage girl is beyond me.

Can you not up sticks to your parents for a week? See what happens?

bamboobutton · 04/03/2011 12:23

i was about to post the same thing as smum. sounds like a pair of bullying high school bitches.

i couldn't live in a house like this.

Blu · 04/03/2011 12:26

Everything Catsmother said
plus
He is doing her no favours either. He is raising a dd to think that a marriage involves a man treating a woman with no respect or honesty, he is training her to be manipulative, exploitative and duplicitous, and allowing her to see herself as the only one who counts, with no respect or kindness. None of that is being a good Dad.

You need to separate your own feelings of jealousy and competetion with your dsd from your feelings of being lied to and disresepcted by your dh. Don't emotionally or psychologically see your self in competition with a child, his dd,and continue to act as a good SM.

But in truth, without very serious changes in his understanding and behaviour, I don't think I would stay with him. And why does he want to be with you, given that he seems to rejoice in your absence. What you said about money - are you bringing in most and supporting them both?

Blu · 04/03/2011 12:27

I agree with the bullying analysis, too.

emjanedel · 04/03/2011 13:05

I feel compelled to put my twopenneth in. Somebody hasd said that the fact he won't let you see the phone means he knows he is doing something wrong. If SD is negative towards you - him being negative towards you gives her the attention she craves and he his probably loving the bond it has given them. I would tell him that you know about them and it is making you reconsider your future.

Look at this way if you had read the texts and found they had been from another woman, what would you do? I agree with tokenwoman - spend some time just on your own (if you cannot go away can you go into another bedroom??). I would live a seperate life as possible but ultimatly i cannot see you being happy - what happens when SD leaves home and has a seperate life - the text messages will still have happend.

Please let us know how you are.
Thinking of you lots

Magicjamas · 04/03/2011 13:34

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prettyfly1 · 04/03/2011 13:34

I really feel the need to post in support as well. Its creepy, the relationship between them and the flowers in the attic thing is exactly what I thought. The massive overreaction when you mentioned it makes it worse, as he knows it just isnt appropriate. His daughter IS effectively the other woman in your relationship and honestly I dont think you should even try and put up a fight. How is your relationship when she isnt around? Honestly, is there anythign worth you staying for. I am so sorry this must just be horrific for you - is there any way for you to just pack a bag and go?

prettyfly1 · 04/03/2011 13:35

MJ pmd you love.

nickschick · 04/03/2011 13:41

I think hes trying to be 'all and everything' to the step daughter I dont think your 'made up' stories of people thinking they are boyfriend and girlfriend helps tbh.

Im sad your being treated this way and you know my life isnt so great and my friends have given me great advice has have people on her and some of it amounts to this .you know wether or not you can leave,you know wether or not you in your heart can take it - sometimes we are stuck in a relationship where there seems to be more wrongs than rights but at any time you can say to yourself 'im not putting up with this anymore Im not doing it i am more thahn this - and you can blow up a huge row or you can let them text away and work on the relationship with your partner - whilst its all a bit half arsed shes able to use it to her advantage.

Hope you are ok.

catsmother · 04/03/2011 14:21

(MJ .... I don't know know you IYKWIM ... but I've read about your situation and do know that you've been a great source of support and advice to many on the SP board and I'm really sorry to read your life is falling apart at the seams, after you thinking everything was okay. That's the thing which many of us can appreciate ... how a step parent's life can feel so precarious at times. I know damn well that all it might take sometimes is a wrong word or two and then everything blows up - which is why many of us find it so hard to properly express ourselves to our partners - and then of course, there's the other "big" potential step "problem" of other people (who don't even live with you) deciding to do this or that and all of a sudden your life is significantly affected - and usually not for the better. It's one of the worst things ... feeling, as an adult who's otherwise independent, that so much is controlled by others. Anyway, I'm wittering, just wanted to express some sympathy for all the good it might do).

Sorry for going off on a tangent.

Lorna - hope you're okay.

Magicjamas · 04/03/2011 15:00

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Magicjamas · 04/03/2011 15:00

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tokenwoman · 04/03/2011 15:03

life's notperfect for me and my DP with DSD but if this was happening not only would I flip big time but I would def stomp off and leave them to it until DP came to his senses, dont know how long you'd have to wait depends on how much he 'needs' you. it sounds like they are a little unit all by themselves so you need to ask yourself what do you bring to the party? are you in their eyes just someone who does the chores? not respected? valued? in the way? you're not even being treated as an equal in any of this let alone a caring person who has feelings. he should be ashamed of himself
sending you hugs

BitOfFun · 04/03/2011 15:05

This is all very similar to the Boxroom poster, who is always advised to leave.

Have you got children yourself?

Blu · 04/03/2011 15:26

What Boxroom poster?

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