Grrrrr ..... one thing I can't stand is the "you knew what you were letting yourself in for" brigade - I knew they'd show up sooner or later !
1st - this forum isn't just about step children - it's for any problems related to living in a step situation .... and that includes issues with your partner's ex, financial problems and concerns (of all sorts) about all the children involved in the so-called blended family.
Thing is .... no-one has a crystal ball and many of us have entered into relationships in all good faith after lots of thought, only to have the goal posts moved considerably after we commit ourselves. Believe me - some of the nastier human behaviour I've witnessed (from both adults and children) has been something I could never have imagined in a million years, because it was completely out of the scope of my personal experience (unless you include "Shameless" - and that's supposed to be fiction right ?). Does anyone still really believe that you'd willingly choose to enter a situation where you knew that you'd be a second class citizen in your own home, where major decisions which affect yours and your children's lives would often be made without any consultation, where you'd be harassed, threatened, emotionally blackmailed, insulted, and lied about on a regular basis, where all the "normal" rules of parenting (even when you'd previously "agreed" them) are constantly thrown out of the window, where an ex of many many years standing still has such a huge influence over your partner, where situations are regularly created through spite wasting time and money etc etc etc ???!!!
In any case ..... why the effing hell should the appalling and (in most other areas of the society we live in) completely unacceptable behaviour of others be deemed "okay" simply because the perpetrator(s) is an ex wife or a step child ? Why does that status effectively grant them a "get out of jail free card" where they rarely - if ever - have to face any consequences for their actions ? Saying "you knew what you were letting yourself in for" is crap and completely misses the point that you and your partner (and sometimes your children, and the step children too) are victims of someone else's bitterness and antisocial behaviour. Yet because we dare to "moan" we are apparently in the wrong according to some. Until you've actually lived through years of having your life tipped upside down by people who don't even live with you, you have little right to attack those who've actually experienced it. Being a 1st wife does NOT mean you are immune to the criticism of others as if you are some sort of untouchable saint ..... nor does being a stepchild mean you are exempt from discipline and boundaries (or it shouldn't do).
Telling us "moaners" to get "out of the kitchen" means that you are effectively saying it's okay to be an utter bitch, or a nasty spoilt spiteful brat ..... us leaving wouldn't actually solve those problems would it ?
And I say all this as an ex single mum myself (for 9 years) so I know that you can conduct yourself with dignigty, fairness and honesty if you make the effort and it's really not so hard to NOT use your children as weapons if you truly have your children's best interests at heart. Similarly, though my son was (and still is, though now an adult) a step child, I NEVER allowed him to behave the way I've seen my stepchildren do and as any responsible parent should do, he was punished if naughty - he was NOT allowed to plead "step" in defence, by either my ex or myself and, as he got older, he was expected to accept more and more responsibility for his own actions (isn't that how most parents bring up their kids ?) .... again, he was NOT allowed to plead "step" to avoid judgement.
Why the hell should we be "jealous" of our partner's past ? Most of us have pasts too so don't be so childish. What we object to is the way his past can unfairly dominate the present in such an often very difficult and stressful way. This isn't obligatory for God's sake - there are plenty of mature and honest exes who are getting on with their own lives and communicating fairly and respectfully with their exes about their children. Consequently, those families generally rub along fine without any major problems ...... and you won't find "new" (how long is it before you can drop the "new" I wonder ?!) partners in those set ups on these boards - why should they be ? Unfortunately, those of us who are here usually have significant problems and if we didn't care we wouldn't seek advice.
Oh ...... and moving on, here's another 1:2 for Maleficent's list:
- You must accept without moaning (God forbid) all accusations and name calling from the ex along the lines of that woman, that whore, that golddigger, that slag-of-questionnable-morals-who-is-corrupting-my-children-because-her-child-is-a-bastard, that harpie, that scum etc etc etc
- You must also accept without moaning (God forbid) all demands for short notice babysitting - when your partner has genuine reasons for being unable to look after his kids - and the ex demands "why can't she do it" ..... even though the suitability of someone hitherto known as that woman, that whore, that golddigger, that slag-of-questionnable-morals-who-is-corrupting-my-children-because-her-child-is-a-bastard, that harpie, that scum etc etc etc, as a babysitter must surely be questionnable ? (or so you'd think)