Maleficent's Guide To Step Parenting

[WhatWouldMaleficentDo]

Dear Reader,

I have been much maligned as a step-mother over the years and so misrepresented, even I sometimes wonder what is truth and fiction. The sad fact is that people will always believe the child over the step-mother, no matter how outrageous the story and accusations.

Take my step child, Snow White. Ran off and shacked up with 12 men in a squat. Doing so many drugs she thought she could speak to animals FFS. (Lets face it, she didn't get called "snow white" for no reason IYSWIM.) I rescue her from herself with an intervention and a stay at the Priory and what do I hear back? Magic Mirrors, wood cutters and poisoned apples! And people believed her.

However, I know now where I went wrong and look back on those times thinking "If only I had had someone to show me the way". So here it is, dear step mothers. The Mumsnet Guide to being a stepmother. Instead of worrying, just ask "What would Maleficent Do?" and follow these 12 steps to become the perfect Mumsnet Step Parent.

All of the following advice has been given to step parents in one form or another on Mumsnet discussions.

1. You may call yourselves step mothers, because that is what you are.

1. It's wrong to refer to yourself as mother in any form as it detracts from a child's real mother.

1. You should not try to be a mother to a step-child as they already have one.

1. If you don't act motherly you are rejecting the child and this can damage them and cause emotional problems later in life.

1. It is OK to think your own child and the children of your friends and the children at your child's school are horrible.

1. Your DH or DP's Children aren't horrible it is you making them that way as they can sense that you don't like them.

1. You must not declare that you love your stepchild or expect your step child to love you as that is not natural and they already have a mum.

1. You should automatically love your step children and if you can't you are bad and should leave your DH / DP.

1. If the children live with their mum, you should never change any payments of maintenance as it is unfair on the child.

10. If the child comes to live with you, the mum should not have to pay maintenance as it is your job to support them as you chose to be with a man who had children already.

11. You should not distance yourself from your step children as they will sense this and it will make them feel unwelcome.

12. As an adult its up to you to put your emotions to one side and distance them from your step children as showing how you feel will make them feel unwelcome.

You know. Reading this back, I think I can summarise this so much better.

1. Damned if you do.
2. Damned if you don't.

Now, off you go and get back to being Man Eating, Child Stealing Whores

Love,

Maleficent x

Hi pretty,

I've made some witchesbrew tea - with the displacement teapot.

want a cup ?

oooh - I would be delighted - chin chin! [grin}

OOh link to that gem of a thread please SMummyS

its over on lone parents lady - it isnt that bad just a rant about evil stepmothers. The simple fact of the matter is:

There are bad people. They behave badly. They behave badly as parents, singletons and step parents.

This is not a "crazy ex" thing, nor is it a "evil stepwitch" thing. Its called life and not everyone in a given situation would behave the same way.

Those of us with an ounce of common sense are aware of this. Some of us are not.

1. You should automatically love your step children and if you can't you are bad and should leave your DH / DP

I think this is my favourite - when people are so indignant that you should love your partners children like your own because why wouldn't you love a person whose DNA is 50% of your beloved's?

Funny, I see plenty of MIL bashing threads on AIBU but not once has anyone on there been told they should love their MIL like their own or leave their DH/DP!

Thats right prettyfly. What is soooo annoying is that when the auspicious individual is the mother of your step children, unlike in any other area of life, you can't just erase them.
No matter how far removed from your idea of the sort of person you want in your life they may be, they are there to stay!

Hence the need to vent sometimes.

I'm completely new to this whole stepparenting malarkey, but Jesus, it's a whole new world

exactly and actually the same goes the other way. No, a lot of the time we may not be who the ex would want raising their children and that must be very hard, particularly if the split wasnt their choice, however surely, rather then assuming we are nothing, will abuse your kids, treating us like unpaid babysitters with no rights and insisting we forfeit any complaints, issues or frustrations because "we chose this life", trying to get on with us, understand that we are not all out to oust your kids and giving us some bloody support, which most of us would gladly give back in return, would be a much more sensible way of life.

now where is my peach of self importance...

deemented it totally is - welcome to what I like to call "being everyones unpaid bitch"...

actually it isnt that bad - dss asked to do crafts with me on sunday, as noone else does it and we had a lovely time making clay pots . Little moments make it easier.

I'd love to be able to have the oppertunity to involve DSS into our family life. Unfortunately his mother isn't that keen. Obviously i knew that Manshape had a son before we got together, and had/have no problem with thatm it's the strength of venom from the ex that's surprised me. I never knew someone who doesn't know me, won't speak to me could hate me so much. It's been a shock a huge learning curve.

Oh she already calls me 'the slut' and my children 'The bastards' - that's nothing new.

I hate the way i have to plan my life around her whims - she dangles DSS on a string and manshape has to dance to her tune or there will be 'consequences'

:( deemented, that's really shit.

deemented- I've been in that position, sucks.

My DSDs mother is so deluded she actually beleives that DSD hates coming to us and thinks I'm horrid. Doesnt hear the laughter coming from the car as we drive up her drive or see the hugs and kisses as DSD says goodbye to us then

Treat them with respect??? I treat my DSS with the uttermost respect! The same respect I treat my DD1 and DD2 with! However I feel I should then receive that same respect back. I've lurked on here for so long and never have I felt so compelled to post as I do now. I'm not jealous of my DH's past, I actually get on really well with his ex and she is the one who refers to me as DSS's Step Mum! She probably likes to use the term Mum as she is a rational person who recognises that I care for her son as a 'mum' would. I love my DSS and he loves me, I care for him out of love, not duty. This said, I am also treat like a second class citizen in my own home, sorry, Dad's house, I don't feel that I get nearly enough respect for the things I do, I have no say in DSS's discipline, he gets away with murder yet if my DD1 (who is the same age) does anything wrong I'm expected to come down on her like a tonne of bricks! I'm expected to treat all the children the same yet I have to discipline them differently? Oh and it's understandable that DSS is resentful towards me and my DD1 because we invaded his home, yet DD1 isn't allowed any emotional slack for the fact that for us to 'invade' his home she had to change schools and take on a father figure she hadn't had before (her bio dad has never been around) and love her step brother as if they had been brought up together from birth. Yes, and she's not allowed to be resentful when she has to stay home and do diddly bleeding squat because it's not DSS's weekend to stay and we mustn't leave him out but then he comes on Monday morning and tells us all of the several treats and outings he's had with his Mum.

I really thought I knew what I was taking on but I sooooooo didn't! And as for 'if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen' I'm damned sure that most of the regulars on here would agree that yes it's hard and often you need to vent your spleen but 'getting out of the kitchen' would have serious negative affects on our DSS's and DSD's. What a narrow minded attitude to have?

I suppose in your position as a single mum you're thinking you would hate for your child to be thought of in this way? I understand that having been a single mum myself however knowing what I know now and if my DD1 had contact with her BioDad and his partner I'm damned sure that I would work with her to make sure she didn't behave the way so many DSC's seem to!

Rant over.

"If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen" - well that's really helpful, isn't it. It seems the majority of us believe in working at our marriages/relationships, regardless of the challenges thrown at us. Surely that's more positive than throwing in the towel, and creating more broken homes?

As an earlier poster pointed out - people only tend to post on these forums when they need support, so you only hear the problems, not the triumphs.

Oh, I forgot to mention that all I hear when I read your posts is poor me, me, me.

No one talks about how awful it is for their partner's kids, you also seem to have nothing but contempt for your man's ex. Shame!

Errrrm .... in my post I referred to " plenty of mature and honest exes who are getting on with their own lives and communicating fairly and respectfully with their exes about their children. Consequently, those families generally rub along fine without any major problems ....". I also acknowledged that stepchildren can sometimes be victims too of their mother's bitterness and anti social behaviour.

I think it's bloody disgusting when women use their children as weapons in order to score points off their ex and have written about this at length in other recent posts (search if you must). Unfortunately, some women simply can't see past their issues with their ex and prefer to emotionally abuse - and yes, that's what it is - their own children by alienating them from their dad through a succession of lies, obstruction and other negative behaviour.

Yes - I do have nothing but contempt for my partner's ex .... because what I've experienced for almost 10 years has been completely unnecessary and driven entirely by spite. My entire family - including the stepkids - have been dreadfully affected by her attitude and behaviour. I know, because I was in her position as a single mum (well no actually, I received far far less support than she did/does) that you can and you should conduct yourself with dignity and honesty because that's what's best for the children - yet she chooses to behave otherwise - and I think that is contemptuous.

I don't believe all first wives are like this thank God and that's why I object to the oft repeated notion that second wives "knew what they were getting into" because that kind of gives the green light to women who do behave badly .... why are the victims of their spite so often expected to "get on with it" when nothing is done to address their behaviour ? No-one would agree that victims of, say, burglary, should "put up and shut up" .... they are allowed, at least, to feel justifiably angry and upset, and most sections of society would frown upon the crime committed. So why is it acceptable to have the most dreadful and relentless stresses perpetrated against you if the person doing it once happened to be married to your partner ? For Gods' sake, I've now been with my partner longer than he was with his ex, yet she (by virtue of determined spite and trouble making) still has such a huge influence on our lives. This is NOT obligatory - even if you share children together ..... it's perfectly possible to conduct a respectful and business like relationship in relation to the children without resorting to petty spite ..... and the people who choose to do different do deserve all the criticism they get.

If my opinions make me pathetic then so be it but I am not going to sit back and condone the absolutely disgusting behaviour of some women.

I shall have to check a few things.

1. Checks OP - yes, still a tongue in cheek post about conflicting advice being given in MN, no vitriol.

1. Checks next post, a little patronising, but not vitriolic or a personal attack.

1. Checks next post - clarification that that post was meant to be tongue in cheek, references furniture discussion.

1. Checks last post - offering fruit and referencing furniture.

One wonders how one is suddenly part of a pack of wolves ganging up on a poster when one has not made a single vitriolic or unpleasant remark about anyone.

I don't expect an apology, but kindly direct your rant in a more considered fashion.

And the only reason I was quick to go over and have a look at the post on 'loneparents' was because who ever entioned it said that it was called 'how to treat a step parent' which, considering your nasty post on this thread, seemed like it would make for interesting reading...

P.s my name is 'tongue-in-cheek' a concept clearly not understood by some on here.