I'm sorry - Thomcat reporting in, sorry girls

[Thomcat]

ALSO POSTED THIS IN PRE-NATAL

Oh you've all been so lovely, and I have been avoiding you all, and I?m sorry, really, really sorry, I shouldn't have.

I was going to post you all a long post tomorrow.

Tomorrow, when I know one way or the other.

i couldn't face it till then and just thought I'd wait till I had real news for you but that was wrong of me really and I'm sorry.

Thank you all for thinking of me, I'm so touched and so humbled.

Ohhhhhh girls. I think when this is all over, one way or the other, I'll come back to you as someone else, I won't be the same person after all this.

I can't be Thomcat who was so against testing and couldn't see what was so wrong with having a child with Down's syndrome.

I?ve had a CVS

I wanted more time to tell you about it and if it's ok I'll explain later when I'm at home.

D and I talked and talked and I cried and cried and he made me see that although I'd love to be the sort of person who'll have this baby no matter what i don't think I can carry that out. I wish I could.

I'd have 10 of Lottie. I would, but I won't get another Lottie.
If this child has SN they could be worse, a lot worse and I don't think I'll be able to take that on. i'm not big enough. Lottie is amazing and we're so lucky but things will get harder and harder and 2 children with SN is not something I'm going to be able to knowingly take on. There are no guarantees, we all know and use that line, so if chromosome disorders are ruled out, what will be really will have to be, but I can't just run into the future with my eyes tightly shut.

That's not fair on me, or D, or my family, but more importantly it's not fair on Lottie or on this baby.

fuck

I hate that I can't give this baby the same chance as Lottie has, I loathe that, about me, about everything, I feel sick to my stomach that i may have to do something unthinkable.

Oh no, God, will I really????

The professor was extraordinary, amazing. So self assured and as soon as heard us say we couldn't do two 16 year olds, or two 30 year olds with special needs and that we had to know, he literally just stood up, asked for the, as he put it, "the really long, painful needle and the hammer and chisel" and he was giving me a CVS. I cried and said 'oh you're not doing it now' and he just said 'yes of course I am' and he cracked on. So scary but for the best, gave me no time to agonise over what I was doing, he took charge and i think that was the right thing to do.

I get the results tomorrow.

I'll let you know what happens, I promise, and then that should be my last post as Thomcat.

So until tomorrow, if you pray please keep us in your prayers. and if you don't pray please just hope and keep something crossed for us.

take good care honey xxx

thomcat - I haven't time to read everyone's answer.

But my thoughts are that since you already have your dd and have to take any decisions about future children with her in mind. You can't risk having very needy child which may take up too much of your time and take time away from your dd - who deserves first consideration since she is already here.

You have to accept that the decision is different from one you might be able to take if you didn't already have her to consider.

We went through this when we found we were having twins with possibly at least one with severe problems. We already had a ds and felt that we couldn't knowingly take on something that would have a huge possibly detrimental effect on his life. We talked about termination with the consultant - and we persuaded to wait until we could be clearer about the potential problems.

We were lucky - as time went on it became apparent that there were no problems with either of the twins.

I just noticed your other thread - I am so glad you got good news and didn't have to wait until tomorrow and didn't have to make any hard decisions.

For some bizarre reason I can't seem to open the other thread at all. I just wanted to add my congratulations that you got good news and didn't have to spend another sleepless night worrying. xx

Thomcat honey, so glad this has worked out for you .

You know I haven't posted before on these threads because I've been thinking about how I would feel in your shoes. You know that I have also been quite outspoken about testing in the past. But you know, despite all of that 'stance' if I am ever pg again I am pretty sure I will have tests and I am pretty sure I would terminate if something showed up. Not proud of that but, exactly as you say, I couldn't do it again. Not knowingly.

I also agree with crunchie. You deciding to have tests IS different to someone with no experience of DS or other SN deciding to test and it doesn't make anything you have said in the past invalid.

You made the right decisions. So glad all is well.

Hi hitc, ohhh mate, you know how I've always been about testing. Listen, there's still 2 interviews to come out where I talk about my feeling on testing..... slightly embarressing!
I do still wish that there were no such thing as testing, I wish I'd never have had the option. I'd have been saved weeks or turmoil and if things had come out bad I'd have been saved having to make any horrific decisions. I took that nuchal cos I thought it would put D's mind at rest, and my familys, and I could just crack on, but it didn't turn out that way.
As soon as someone said 'i have to say that nuchal measurement doesn't look good, I'm sorry', jesus, I just had to know, and even more when I said 'so this child coulkd have DS, even though my bllods are excellent and the nasal bone is there' and she said 'it could be something else'. Jesus, that really scared me then. SAnd the professor took charge and I let him and I had a CVS. Never, ever in a million years did I think I'd be doing that, not ever.
Now I've had it - I can see how knowing one way or the other is so important. It's strange how I've changed my mind but then again you just never know how you'll react until faced with it.
Anyway, it all had a happy ending and I've learnt a lot about myself as well.
TC x

a little late in the day, but missed your news on Thursday - fantastic news, hope you can start to enjoy your pregnancy now, and just sorry that you've been through all that to get here!