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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

I'm sorry - Thomcat reporting in, sorry girls

83 replies

Thomcat · 23/06/2005 15:31

ALSO POSTED THIS IN PRE-NATAL

Oh you've all been so lovely, and I have been avoiding you all, and I?m sorry, really, really sorry, I shouldn't have.

I was going to post you all a long post tomorrow.

Tomorrow, when I know one way or the other.

i couldn't face it till then and just thought I'd wait till I had real news for you but that was wrong of me really and I'm sorry.

Thank you all for thinking of me, I'm so touched and so humbled.

Ohhhhhh girls. I think when this is all over, one way or the other, I'll come back to you as someone else, I won't be the same person after all this.

I can't be Thomcat who was so against testing and couldn't see what was so wrong with having a child with Down's syndrome.

I?ve had a CVS

I wanted more time to tell you about it and if it's ok I'll explain later when I'm at home.

D and I talked and talked and I cried and cried and he made me see that although I'd love to be the sort of person who'll have this baby no matter what i don't think I can carry that out. I wish I could.

I'd have 10 of Lottie. I would, but I won't get another Lottie.
If this child has SN they could be worse, a lot worse and I don't think I'll be able to take that on. i'm not big enough. Lottie is amazing and we're so lucky but things will get harder and harder and 2 children with SN is not something I'm going to be able to knowingly take on. There are no guarantees, we all know and use that line, so if chromosome disorders are ruled out, what will be really will have to be, but I can't just run into the future with my eyes tightly shut.

That's not fair on me, or D, or my family, but more importantly it's not fair on Lottie or on this baby.

fuck

I hate that I can't give this baby the same chance as Lottie has, I loathe that, about me, about everything, I feel sick to my stomach that i may have to do something unthinkable.

Oh no, God, will I really????

The professor was extraordinary, amazing. So self assured and as soon as heard us say we couldn't do two 16 year olds, or two 30 year olds with special needs and that we had to know, he literally just stood up, asked for the, as he put it, "the really long, painful needle and the hammer and chisel" and he was giving me a CVS. I cried and said 'oh you're not doing it now' and he just said 'yes of course I am' and he cracked on. So scary but for the best, gave me no time to agonise over what I was doing, he took charge and i think that was the right thing to do.

I get the results tomorrow.

I'll let you know what happens, I promise, and then that should be my last post as Thomcat.

So until tomorrow, if you pray please keep us in your prayers. and if you don't pray please just hope and keep something crossed for us.

OP posts:

lou33 · 23/06/2005 15:58

tc, you are doing what is best for you and your family, don't feel you have to justify that in any way shape or form

hold tight x

marjoriedawessassy · 23/06/2005 16:01

Just want to know you're in my thoughts.

Sassy x

happymerryberries · 23/06/2005 16:04

Sweetheart, you must not beat yourself up about this. You are making the best that you can , of a difficult situation, with Lotties best interests at heart. This is such a complex and overwhelming thing, I don't know how you have been so strong for so long.

All I can do is to sent you good thoughts and wishes.

WideWebWitch · 23/06/2005 16:06

Oh Thomcat, I've got everything crossed for you.

Jimjams · 23/06/2005 16:07

TC don't beat yourself up. I marched ds1 off for all his vax, when they introduced men C I requested it asap. I lectured about how irresponsible it was for people not to vaccinate. I am responsible for his problems. I would make a different choice these days but I don't torture myself over chaging my mind and making a u turn.

I look at little ds3 and I love him enormously, but if he does something that could be a 'sign' (only does 1- scratches the surface of things- everything else is fine and dandy) then my blood runs cold. It doesn't make me a bad person for not wanting another child with SN.

You are in a worse position because you have a choice. Not many people would choose to have 2 children with severe SN. Being given 2 without a choice is different- but not many would want that. FWIW I'm pleased there's no test for autism as I know I would struggle to make the "sensible" decision. And the sensible decision is usually the right one.

BY tomorrow you may not have to make a choice- and if you don't - breathe a sigh of relief and don't beat yourself up over what you would have chosen.

Fingers toes and everything crossed and many positive vibes coming your way.

Original poster

Thomcat · 23/06/2005 16:11

i'm trying to explain it.
Yes i am embarressed by my anti-testing stance before when i've ended up having a CVS of all things.
I need to explain what's going on to you or you'll all think I'm mad or something.
From someone who was agianst it, and has now taken it this far.... I need to explain.

OP posts:

Jimjams · 23/06/2005 16:13

TC din't worry about it. If I'd been posting on here in 2002 you would have found loads of posts arguing that vaccination was the greatest thing ever and that people who didn;t get their kids done were a bunch of selfish tossers! You do what's right and you do what you can live with. That's it- end of!

anorak · 23/06/2005 16:13

It's not a crime to change your mind, TC. You held your viewpoint before with good reason. Now you have learned there is another side to the story. Refusing to change your mind even though you saw things from a new angle would have been wrong.

None of us are immune to learning something new.

Chandra · 23/06/2005 16:15

I just hope tomorrow brings better news. But whatever happens, whatever you decide to do or not to do, we will continue to love you Thomcat!

happymerryberries · 23/06/2005 16:15

I'm not sure if this helps on not, but I had an amnio with ds. Life is just so damn shitty on times and so much more complicated than most of us ever thought possible.

To test ot not to test, to use this medicine or not. It seems that whatever we do there is one more thing to worry about,, to beat our selves up about. Have we picked the right school, do they eat the right foods, play enoug, have enough rest. Its bad enough in the NT world, and you guys in SN have it in Spades.

please don't beat yourself up about this. You have done your best, better than most of us could eaven consider.

(PS I'm putting in a word with the man upstairs. Not sure he is there, or listening, but if anyone needs a break it is you)

jayzmummy · 23/06/2005 16:16

Fab posts Jimjams.

tortoiseshell · 23/06/2005 16:17

Thomcat, I so pray that you get the result you want tomorrow. Please don't feel bad about the CVS even 1% - it's not a bad thing to change your mind, or even to undertake something you've believed to be wrong - you have to make a decision in the circumstances you find yourself in. It is much braver to have strong principles/opinions and to be prepared to go against them.

xxx

potty1 · 23/06/2005 16:18

TC - I hope tomorrow brings you the best possible news.

No-one will think you are mad to have gone ahead with the tests - don't be so hard on yourself. You are a hero to loads of mums here and that won't change whatever happens.

spots · 23/06/2005 16:21

Thomcat, what a huge thing for one little family to have to make decisions on. Following your story only recently, I can see that no one could be more thoughtful in the situation thsn you... Don't question your worth over it. It is not a question that anyone 'should' have to make... as you say, it's not fair that the question is there to be made in the first place. Please don't be scared.

(Feel a bit of a fraud for posting as I don't 'know' you otherwise but your situation is ringing in my ears.)

Original poster

Thomcat · 23/06/2005 16:21

Thank you.

Your post made me really smile jimJams. It's a shame that we've had out viewpoints on these things changed though.

I so massively appreicate you all being so understanding and everything.

OP posts:

SleepyJess · 23/06/2005 16:22

TC we are all behind you. Don't beat yourself up for having CVS done. If I had had another pregnancy with ex-H then I too would have had this test.. and also thought I knew what I had done about an unfavourable result. I just never had to face that in the end because H and I split up.

Thinking of you lots, love xxxx

SJ xxxx

Original poster

Thomcat · 23/06/2005 16:25

should have told you all this last night, you've made me feel better about myself and that's helping me with the bigger picture.

OP posts:

Mama5 · 23/06/2005 16:27

No need to be embarrassed Thomcat - none of us knows what we would do when put in a situation. None of us. Thinking of you in these next few hours and sending some {{{{{{courage}}}}} and {{{{{strenth}}}}} through the airwaves Mx

chicagomum · 23/06/2005 16:32

my thoughts are with you at this difficult time, you don't need to justify your decisions to any of us, at the end of the day we live with our opinions, you will live with the results of your decision so you have to do whats right for you and yours. i hope and pray tomorrow brings good news and i'll be thinking of you 'til then

Fio2 · 23/06/2005 16:32

Thomcat never think anyone is judging you, especially us on the special needs board who know how hard it all is. I dont want another child with special needs, ignorance was bliss when i was pregnant with ds (no2) and then the bombshell dropped that our eldest had SN. I would be like you and worry it was something worse or more severe. Dont be scared to post. We have all changed our minds and views as time goes along SN or no SN kids.

I am keeping everything crossed for you. i feel proud that you have made the right decisions for yourself and your family xx

whymummy · 23/06/2005 16:33

good luck with everything thomcat
x

soapbox · 23/06/2005 16:40

Thomcat - don't beat yourself up about this. Whatever happens tomorrow you will still be the same wonderful person as you were today, yesterday and the day before and so on

If you have to make a hard choice, who are we to judge you?? We won't be the one's struggling to cope in 30 years time, terrified of dying but terrified of living too, for fear of what will happen to your children

FWIW, I think you are caught between a rock and a hard place on this one - we all like to think what decisions we would make on certain matters. None of us know what decision we would make until we are in the situation.

I hope that tomorrow brings great strength and wisdom to you and your family - but I pray that you have no need of it!

Take care and be kind to yourself

xxxxx

flobbleflobble · 23/06/2005 16:44

Thomcat, sorry to hear that you are having such a time of it. Making decisions when you already have a child is so different from before you have any children, as of course you now have another person to consider who your actions will affect.

There are no easy answers to so many things once you are a parent - we all do the best we can, and it can certainly be a tough balancing act.

I am sure everything will be fine with this pregnancy, so maybe you should hold off on thinking about crossing bridges before you get there.

Original poster

Thomcat · 23/06/2005 16:46

Yes, absolutley flobble, here I am spouting and you're so right, it could all be fine.
I still did the test, but everything could be fine so ......
TC xx

OP posts:

tabitha · 23/06/2005 16:46

Thomcat, please don't beat yourself up over this. You've been put in a terrible position and you've done what you thought best in that position. How could anyone judge you.
I've got everything crossed for you tomorrow and you'll be in my prayers too.

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