A request for opinions and advice regarding Amber's departure from an outsider, but concerned friend.

[Catitainahatita]

Hi.

I am one of Amber's friends from outside the SN board. We have been distressed and upset by her departure and are unsure of how to respond to it.

We know that Amber was trying to seek a solution with MNHQ for some of the problems that she has faced on the boards recently. We would like to continue this, but are unsure of how to proceed.

To be clear: We are aware that there are many, many issues here that we do not understand or know about. It is not our intention to try to do anything that would be detrimental to other users of the SN board.

For these reasons, we seek your opinions and advice. We do not wish to be presumptious or insensitive or disrespectful in anyway. We would just like to help our friend.

One final personal comment. I realise that my own participation in a recent thread here was rude and beligerant. I apologised there and do so again here. I hope this lapse of personal control can be forgotten if not forgiven.

My only motivation here is concern for Amber; although, I repeat, this does not mean that I am looking to help her at the cost of anyone else.

I really hope there is a solution that is amenable to all. Could you all give us some help on how this might be done?

Thank you very much.

(MUM23ASD could go back to being MrsF again!!!! I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy now!

is it 'technologically' possible to have a way of having it within MENTAL HEALTH ....&.... SN... not 'directly accessed from main board...sort of a 'sub-section'...so that IF somone went on Mental...the'd be 'offered' the 'safety zone' automatically?

does that make sense.

to have it on full view would just make fun reading for trolls...therefore it would defeat the purpose.

Hello again.
I hope you don't mind me butting in again. I would just like to reply to some of your comments and make one suggestion, if I may.

In the first place:
SaintlyMrsT I am very sorry to hear you have been upset by comments made outside this section by other acquaintances of Amber. Speaking personally I have not talked in a negative way about this, I hope you believe me. Last week when I made the (much lamented to be sure) mistake of shoving my nose into something that was none of my business, I mentioned it to Amber on another thread by way of an apology for having misbehaved.

I expressly did not name change for this thread in the spirit of transparency and conciliation. I am upset that she is upset, but truely want to avoid falling into the same trap as I did last week. It did not reflect very well on me, and I am sorry about it. I realise that this issue is in many ways beyond my comprehension. I do not presume to know how your life or your DC's life is. Nor do I want to tell you what you can and cannot post. I am very sorry if you interpret this thread in this way. It was not my intention at all.

But, I think perhaps you have to understand that the comment you quote (I don't know who made it) was probably made in the context of a conversation with an upset Amber about one of last week's discussions. Friends inevitably take the side of their friend when comiserating and tend not to make allowances for the people they perceive to have hurt them. I think we all forget sometimes that this is a public board and all our utterances can come back and bite us.

I am really only looking for a suggestion that might make most (if not all) people happy and comfortable. I am not trying to impose my or any one else's agenda here. I certainly do not have the moral ground on which to base that.

This is a long post so I am going to split into two before I give anyone a headache.

Perhaps it would "work like clockwork"

Soor I thought so long about my post, I have cross-posted with lots of people.
Apologies.

I was about to make a very similar suggestion to that made by Justabout. It seems to me that there is a consensus here in favour of it.

This way noone need to be censured by themselves or otherwise, it appears. I hope so.

what about a simple 'link' to chosen place....whereever it ends up...

like amazon books..."you've tried this....you may like this...." in relavent topics would 'screen' without excluding anyone who has mental health/behaviour/SN/SEN/parenting/etc difficulty...

i mean----a link on the side of the page- like an advert

Cat- I can see who wrote the comments, they're on the seventh whatever tea shop thread which initiated this one. And I also note that some comments were much more understanding in nature.

I am pretty fed up about the nasty ones tbh. I have never seen my son's disability as some sort of competition (if it was I would be more than happy to lose it) and yet that seems to be an accusation from people who know nothing about me. I completely object to the idea that I know my own son and understand him less than people who happen to have Asperger's as well. That just shows an ignorance of the diversity of the spectrum. I have put many, many hours into understanding the world as my son experiences it (which isn't easy when they're non-verbal with limited receptive language aged 10, so don't think in language at all). I do know they are nothing like the experiences of those with AS. That's out there in the autism literature. But no doubt saying this will be construed as being difficult.

Yes, people might have wanted to support Amber on that thread, but considering I never said anything bad about her or to her (just disagreed on whether there should be censorship or not- I don't think there should be) I find it pretty tedious to be accused (along with others) of being some sort of bitter cow who doesn't understand her own son.

MrsT, I hear you! Thats what I was trying to say but in a more general way, didn't want to specify on somebody else's behalf.

not a great advert for a tea shop thread as a safe space then...

(i need a place to admit to what rubbish i feed my boys...and how many hours they spend on computers...without being slaughtered.

i am aware that MY experience of autism is MY experience... so like MrsT said it should never be about 'who's is worse'...

whenit gets like that- people like me feel unable to post...i mean...how can i admit that my boys drink fruitshoots () then ask for help on their hyperactivity?

so we end up not posting how we really feel.

I take my hat off to ANYONE who manages a strategy/diet that i have failed to implement... I have chosen to fight the battles daily that i have the energy for...

so...to have a safe place would be for me how it first felt for me when i discovered mumsnet 6 years ago

Hi ALL, I've just logged in MN to see if my little thread about individual education plans has had any more input. Thought I'd pop into this thread to say hello.

I've tried to read it, I'm totally confused about what is going to change, what is going on. . Can someone please give us a summary at some point.

Also, can I just say to Amber that I am starting to get ever so envious at the number of friends she has! And how much they care about her. How lucky.

mad- it's probably safe if you're in it. But perhaps not if you stumble across it as an 'outsider'. I do think a quiche has that potential though - for some sort of 'protection' for the insiders to mean that it doesn't matter if 'outsiders' are kicked in the meantime. Never mind that they may really not need to come across a good slagging themselves.

MrsF- I think the diversity of special need was still represented then - probably as broad a range as there is now, perhaps we were just better at recognising that there is a whole range of experience out there. Or perhaps it's just easier when its small because we all know each other's background and experiences and why we post as we do.

MrsT I have also gone back to read the thread to see the context. I think you will agree that the poster previously made some positive and helpful (at least she was trying to) comments to Amber to try and help her process and understand what was going on. Moreover, the poster does not mention you at all and she certainly does not criticise your parenting skills.

Please believe me, I have nothing but admiration for how you must be dealing with your DS. I do not want to criticise you or make any accusations about your parenting.

This thread is not about being critical of anyone. It is not meant to be a reproach in anyway. As I said in my opening it was started in the hope that the SN board, being home to the people with the experience, expertise to comment on the situation, did so.

As Justabout said, we wanted to help Amber, but were aware that whatever we did it might end up being insensitive or disrespectful to the SN board in general. We wanted to help her, but not attack others.

I was mentioned and discussed and misrepresented (as was my son). The poster who said the bit about parents coping with LFA and not understanding their child's point of view was probably trying to be nice, but actually I'm the most upset about those comments.

The poster who said this: "Amber - I have read that thread. Please believe me - there are some people on MN (and in the world) who just have to be right, can't bear to be contradicted or educated and also think that they've got it worse than everyone else. No one would make them change their positions from the ones where they have concreted their feet to the floor. Please leave them there, stuck to their own ground and don't go near them with a bargepole." was being pretty nasty about a whole load of us.

You may think those comments are acceptable in the name of supporting someone. I'm not particularly convinced. If anything it's just demonstrated that people really don't understand the lives that some of us have.

Yes you're right riven.