Mail on Sunday Magazine

[lottiejenkins]

I found this article today..........I thought it was very moving,,,, what a decision that lady made... dont think i could do it though!
www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/you/article.html?in_article_id=522925&in_page_id=1908

Ladidadi,yes she must be regretting her actions already,thats why she wants endorsement by writing a book and appearing on the radio.She would have made a good mother to this little girl,she relates to what Tania is doing.She got lost somewhere hence her bizarre reactions like chucking her breast pump away.Its as if a car crashed,just at that split second point in time,she could have been rescued.But there was no one there to catch her.

or beardy was standing in the way!

I agree that she's quite possibly trying to endorse her actions via the book. Biiiiig mistake surely?

Im feeling more sorry for her after talking to you. But she does come across as rather weak.

Then there was the whole brother died in similar circumstances type thing going on.

if she was already finding it hard, then the ultimatum would have just doubled that for her, it would still have been that life, only she would have been doing it on her own.

I don't think I could go ahead and have another child with a man that gave me such an ultimatum though.

in fact I'm not sure that I could have another child knowing that I'd given one up.

I do find that bit hard to comprehend.

It's horrifically sad all round. For Immie, for her, and for her other two dds.
Beardy should have been kicked into touch IMO.

I think you're right yurt, she probably is in denial. What happens the day she wakes up and regrets it (if she doesn't already)?

Agree wannabe. IMO with such an ultimatum, how could you ever have any love or respect in your relationship ever again?

Not only that, but how could you see someone in the same light after he'd talked about 'windows of opportunity' for 'helping' your child to die? Never mind the ultimatum, I'd have had my doubts before that.

Lol at 'beardy' though .

I don't feel sorry for Immie. I think she is with someone now who loves her. i can not feel sympathy for the woman though. I have read the whole thread and seen all the points of view. but still can't and I am not a hard person. but you are dealt cards in life and you deal with it.
wannabe you are right about greif. i didn't undersatnd about that untill I read a brilliant local book.

I've been thinking about this a lot today.

I still stand by what I said about the article in the Mail probably being edited in a certain way. And I hope, really hope, there is more in the book that at least shows she had a hard time reaching the decision. Haven't listened to the woman's hour thing yet.

I have a friend who has a brother who is severely disabled. I don't know much about it all but I believe her father gave her mother a similar ultimatum, and he was put into care. This would have been in the late 60s/early 70s. I got the impression from my friend that her mother has always regretted it in a way. I think she has always felt terribly torn, terribly guilty.

I have another friend who was told a very similar thing about one of her ds's when he was a few weeks old (that he would be severely disabled, would never know her etc) and she was asked then and there if she wanted him taken into care (she didn't). This was about 6 years ago. It happens. And unfortunately I think a very large number of the medical profession would see that as absolutely the 'right' thing to do.

I don't understand Julia's decision. I don't understand her reaction. When I found out about dd1 my instinct was to hold her as tight as I possibly could and protect her from anything I could, not to remove my body from hers and discard her and her things. I admit things flitted through my mind about whether it would have been better to have been told she was going to die (absolutely not) but I never ever considered giving her away. And the prognosis we were given was probably every bit as severe as Immie's.

I think one thing this story does highlight is, like time4me says, the lack of support at the time when you are given news like this. I was totally shocked at the time that no-one offered us any kind of counselling. I had supposed that was just routine. But there was nothing. Just this devastating news and then off you go, get on with it.

I don't know. I do wonder if writing this book was Julia's way of trying to justify her decision to herself. Or a plea for understanding... either way, I reckon she's going to have to face a lot of backlash. Agree yurt - biiig mistake.

Sorry, rather a lot of ramblings...

off to listen to Woman's Hour.

Have read the article.

It made me very sad and I think what this lady did was wrong. Her husband sounds like a total IMHO. However I guess some people are just not strong enough to deal with great challenges. This just makes me realise how amazing the majority of parents are who go on trying to help their severely disabled children day after day.

I think it's the whole relationship with beardy thing that doesn't quite ring true for me. It does come across as it having been his decision (especially in the radio programme) and I don't really understand why if that is the case she's still with him or even how she could be.

What did you think after hearing the radio programme HITC? It just didn't make sense to me. Like you I feel more protective of my disabled child. And after really bad days when I wonder how much longer we can realistically cope (and in the last few months two family members have said that we should think about residential - although two family member who happen to be unable to cope themselves I must add) my instinct is exactly as you said- to hold him tighter.

I'm just left with this feeling that it was nothing to do with the level of support offered by SS (they hadn't even got to that stage) or even lack of counselling. I have this suspicion that they could have been offered unlimited support and still beardy would have wanted her gone. That's just the way it comes across.

fio on the right hand side there was a listen now button. I pressed that and fastforwded to 20 mins (or perhaps look for the listen again button- find yesterdays women's hour then fastforward to 20 mins).Trying to access via their link I got the same as you.

I agree that this story is deeply disturbing. They were told that their baby had no cerebal cortex and would never know them or anything! Their baby would probably not live beyond childhood. No gradual realisation. Wham bang - your child will never know anything!! That must have felt like a living death!
I think the mother had to make hard decisions (leave her partner and care for profoundly disabled baby + toddler alone or put Immie in care and keep her first daughter with her father) and whilst still reeling with grief and under terrible pressure from those 'supporting' her. I suspect (from the detached style) that she is still grieving and is far from at peace with this decision- hence writing the book perhaps. (I think she may regret publishing it!)
I know of many older families whose severely disabled siblings (born in the 50-70s)have been cared for primarily outside the family home since early childhood who have a loving relationship with their siblings. Half a centuary ago it was considered the husbands role to stand back and make the decisions in the best interest of the family and I think the decision to put a child into residential care was often against the mothers instinct to hold on.
Immie has a loving foster mother, 1-2-1 care, and contact with her biological family. The sisters have contact (and presumably always will have)with Immie and the full attention of their parents. It is a working compromise, and as I have thankfully not been in their shoes I do not feel I can judge it! (but it still disturbs me!). Writing the book may be about loving Immie in a way perhaps, -trying to keep her so to speak- i don't know.

Going off in yet another direction, I know the C of E can't get the staff these days but as far as I understand it, destiny is a pagan idea and has no meaning in the Christian faith. I do think she is maybe making things up slightly to pretend that others support her decision.

It also made me think of a book/film that I read about on another site. A man, whose 3 year sister disappeared from the breakfast table one morning ( she was autistic and had been put in an institution), tracked her down when he was grown up. He took her home to live with him. I am sure there is a lot more of this story to come which in a way is making me feel a bit sorry for her. She just does not understand what she has done.

I managed to listen to it. You go to the list on the right of the screen and click the top one (current program if I remember correctly).

fio you are so right. if it had been a nt child ss services would have got involved.

I cant't get back into the broadcast now, but it had a much more sympathetic 'style' that the DM! Julia still comes across as slightly detached/ traumatised.
Perhaps she did not actually (legally) abandon Immie (it sounds like a foster carer was already lined up) but feels she abandoned her by agreeing (against her instincts) to residential care (fostering). Perhaps the rather startling throwing away of baby equipment was her way of coping with reinforcing this decision. It is the behaviour of the newly bereaved perhaps.