Mail on Sunday Magazine

[lottiejenkins]

I found this article today..........I thought it was very moving,,,, what a decision that lady made... dont think i could do it though!
www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/you/article.html?in_article_id=522925&in_page_id=1908

good grief. When dd was younger and the docs saying she would never know who we were and she screamed 18 hours a day I did wish I could give her away. I never slept, my marriage broke down and my eldest daughter ran away from home because of the strain. I spent hours on the phone trying to get respite help.
DD is now 4, severely physically impaired and still a poor sleeper. But she's intelligent, no longer screams and is a delight (although at 3am this morning when she was laughing her head off and did so till 7am she was not a delight)
Sometimes I wonder if my ledest would have stayed and the last 4 years have been such a bleak nightmare if we had given dd away. But we've emerged from it ,mostly unscathed, apart from dd1.
So yes, I can see why she did it but I couldn't. And its not just the sheer hardness of having a severely brain injured child, its the total lack of support and hours and hours given up to phone calls and stupid meetings to get that support.
If it had been in place then maybe dd1 would still be at home and my family not destroyed

how very sad. If only "Tania's" were routinely available on a p/t time basis before parents reached cracking point. I was appalled by the diary entry where a doctor said after the scan that Immie had no intelligence at all.

disgusting is what i say. thank god for tania.

I don't feel I can judge her when my DS is not so severely affected by his SN but the whole story struck me as desperately sad as presumably her husband would leave her if she developed MS or something and if one of the other daughters fell under a bus and was brain damaged, she would have to go too - I don't know what to say as I don't know how I would care for Immie either but it looks as if the mother's 'family life' is just a sham based on shallow attachments and in the end that is more damaging to her than 'having to' care for a severely handicapped child. I can see how demanding the care required is but that is the fault of society for not offering the right level of respite and social care to families affected in this way.

i thought she was awfull tbh. have no time for people like that. and to then use her dd for an article and a book.

9 out of 10 marriages with SN child fail. Minenearly has and dd is not far off Immie. Every day is pretty shit with more of the same to look after. I can see why she did what she did even if I wouldn't.

nmc I understand where you are coming from. but would you then talk about it in a magazine, with photos and write a book?
seem she is using the situation.
there are plenty of dc's at dd's school where the parents have split or are borderline and where dc's spend 99% of their time at the school or are in care(school is not residential) so I know it is common.
just don't understand why she feels the need to do this so publicly. if it is to thank the foster mum then surely the paper could have done an article.

oh and to add. the title says she had to give her child away. she didn't.

I suspect the book is therapy. And it sounds as if she comes from the sort of "chattering classes" background (not that I much like that term) where writing a book about your life is an absolutely routine thing to do.

Rang a lot of bells with me though as you say NMC in the same position we didn't take the same decision. Not that we've emerged at all - let alone unscathed - but ykwim.

I think the problem really is the way she is still trying to portray herself as being on the side of the Angels - 'We make her chocolate cake and we let her see our normal daughter on fridays and my brother the famous actor (?) is raising money etc etc.' I understand the dilemma but there is a lack of humility in her approach. She did what she did because she is a weak and fallible person as we all are, but she seemed to looking for sympathy on the basis that she is some kind of victim. Also it was quite chilling the way she said packed up the breast pump when she realised the baby had problems - the Marie Antoinette attitude , Let it drink formula ! I personally don't have strong feelings either way about types of baby milk but making the switch like that seemed a bit harsh.

I found the article writen from 'of course we gave away the disabled baby, who wouldn't?' mindset.
I bet their were lots of nodding heads saying yes, we would give 'it' away too, how ghastly etc etc

NMC i think you have hit the nail on the head. that is what most likely got my back up.

I did wonder though how far things might have been different if she had had any support from her DH - obviously this extract is a very limited version of one side of the story, but it would appear she had absolutely zero support from him.

Not sure what I feel about this. But I think you do have to be careful about judging someone from a book extract. The magazine will have selected passages that tell the story they want to tell and the abridged version probably makes it all sound much more cold and calculated than perhaps it really was. The headline will also have been written by a journalist for maximum impact so I don't think you can hold that against the author.

As for why she wrote a book in the first place, who knows? but perhaps there was some kind of message there about the lack of support available and what it can drive you to? I don't know that, but maybe there is a lot more in the book?

I would never have given dd1 away btw, and if dh had given me that ultimatum I think it would have been him that went. So I'm not saying for one minute I agree with her. Just that I work in publicity so I know how things can get twisted in the media.

god I'm not sure what I think of that at all.

I don't think anyone can judge another person's situation without actually living it. I'd imagine she hasn't told the whole story, or the Mail has been selective in its editing. Not everyone is able to cope with disability, however close to them it happens (how many parents have posted here about disinterested grandparents?) I did wonder if there was some post natal depression involved here too. As for the partner's ultimatum, I can imagine how he'd reach that point, emotionally, though it's been made to sound incredibly harsh. I'm deferring judgement till I've walked a mile in her shoes.

most of us have walked in those shoes at some time. I still find the whole thing the book and article odd.

I agree with heart - the media will select and put their own bias on it. It is clear that this family are professional, home counties, monied and educated. Is that why it seemed 'easy' (I mean in practical terms not emotionally) for them to leave the baby? Is it that easy just to say 'no I'm not picking her up' and lo and behold it all gets solved??? I cannot comment on what she did - I've been driven bonkers by both of my DS (one with SEN but aspie,dyspraxicie SEN not profound LD and the other no SEN) so I can't judge someone else. Motives for doing it? Perhaps she is seeking to help others or make it acceptable to acknowledge the emotion 'we can't cope'. The worry for me is that, just like Needmore, there are hundreds and thousands feeling 'I can't cope' but no Consultants waving magic Tania's at them.

Also very interesting about Tania making this type of fostering a career decision - perhaps it should be promoted far more as this to people earlier on.

The main thing is that Immie has got the best care possible, the family are united and let's hope Tania sticks with it.

how are the family "united" if they have left the child with someone else?

Mmmmm don't think much of the Husband, telling the Mum to choose, tho am aware that the article is only a small extract from the book. I think it comes across as very matter of fact.

If writing the book, highlights the stresses families with disabled Children go through, then it's a good thing. Although most people who have disabled children do not give them up. Not really sure what experience other than the first few Months of caring for the baby, the Mum had. Obv she has to live with giving her up.

Reckon we could all write books !!

She mentions the respite place and says
'It's the only place where Tania can get respite ? for 14 nights a year Immie goes there and is seriously pampered.'

It highlights the lack of support to carers.. 14 nights out of 365 woopee doo dah!! And many families don't even get that

I probably would buy the book, once it comes out in paperback!!!

why is dd down as single parent fio? Is that because dh works away. Perhaps it's meant to translate into more support

This article has disturbed me tbh. Lots of people at ds1's school cope with similar situations. I do take on board the comments that HITC made about media etc but it does read a bit as if the daughter was inconvenient, or not part of the deal or in some way expendable because of her disability. I know its hard but you don't just give up your dd (and asked to choose between a child or a husband... well..... my marriage couldn't survive being told to make that decision)

thing is, I've walked that mile in her shoes, and considerably more but I didn't give up at 3 months of age. Sure it was horrendously hard but she does seem to have given up rather quickly and her dh!!!
I've had 4 years now of epilepsy and severely disabled with cerebral palsy and while I've felt like running away many times I have never done so. dd is as physically impaired as Immie.

I couldn't imagine giving up dd, it would tear me apart (and yes, she does have the same level of disability as Immie). This article saddened me hugely,on so many levels. I found it very sad that as a couple they were unable to see Immie's personality separate from the disability. My dd may not be bright, but I know that she's sparky, sociable, has a good sense of humour and a rather tomyboyish nature (all this without her being able to walk or talk - shock horror ).

Yes, thank God that there are people like Tania. However, I was amazed that they thought raising money for HH was more appropriate than offering Tania some respite themselves and spending some time with their dd .