Mail on Sunday Magazine

[lottiejenkins]

I found this article today..........I thought it was very moving,,,, what a decision that lady made... dont think i could do it though!
www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/you/article.html?in_article_id=522925&in_page_id=1908

Yes I think you're right. She would have been sparky playful. But obviously her mother doesn't think she is now. What a shame. There are children with her level of disability on ds1's bus & I would say they are sparky and playful, even to me who they barely know.

I'm still really really unsure about this article.

It's certainly written in a sensationalist fashion. Although as HITC points out that could well be the paper (and the DM at that).

I just can't read it without feeling overwhelmingly sad for Immie.

I found the fundraising thing a bit weirdly dissociated iyswim.

I was thinking of the contrast between the doctors who said that Immie had no intelligence and if she was "typical" would be sparky and playful (how on earth could they know that, all children are different?) and Tania, to whom Immie was just Immie and who noticed that she loved chocolate.

well she made her choice and chose the man. went on to marry him and have another child. so i think this is just tragic.

I felt a bit sick reading that, but can't help thinking that Tania is the best thing that could have happened for that poor child.

I have just read the article and I think my haert just broke a little.

Off to cuddle my kids.

Oh I see fio

I was pondering this thread at 4am when ds1 was skipping around and trying to work out why I found it so disturbing.

I can understand that people get to the stage they can't cope with the caring anymore,or that they need more people involved (god knows we're heading there as I'm about to tell SS) but in this case she hadn't really done any caring. She'd had 5 mnths of a baby. So it wasn't the day in day out difficulties of dealing with a disabled child that she couldn't deal with. It reads from the article as if it was just having a disabled child that was impossible for her/her husband. And it kind of reads as if its OK for that to happen to someone else. Just not them.

And the way she dumped her in hospital......and throwing all her stuff out. I think any sympathy I had disappeared at that stage. It shows such a lack of care, a lack of decency and seems to demonstrate that they placed little value on their daughter's life. Would they have left their other daughters like that and if not why not? What was the difference between them?

I found the fundraising thing a bit odd.

I would love to know Tania's take on it all!

oh fio the angry thing was to your post about the men all scarpering.

I agree with your post.

Agree she (and particularly he) needed to grow up.

I was also a bit that she went onto have another child tbh.

and what was the relevance of the failed job application? Lets blame that on the disabled kid as well shall we?

I have been thinking about this. even spoke to dh and in the end i think it is all bollocks.
the mother gave up the child because it wasn't perfect enough for her perfect family. the dad is a dipstick and one day it will all come back and bite her on the bum. when her perfect children become adults and realise what their mother did. will they respect her??
I was 34 when I had dd and so not a natural mum. i had a nt toddler and not a pot to piss in. it was massively hard. especially when no one would listen and believe dd was not right. we had no support from family or freinds. But guess what we got on with it and coped. just like 99.9% of people on the sn board. it is called love.
why if she didn't want the child did she not let her be adopted and have a proper mum and family.

oh and dh would have cut of his arm rather than give dd away.

I too found the article uncomfortable reading.

Dd1 is nowhere near as affected, and god knows, I have had my days of self-pitying "why me? I didn't ask for a disabled child", and of course the generic "it's just not faiirrr!"

If I am totally honest, when dd1 has been at her worst - days of unending tantrumming, shouting, dmeanding cuddles then instantly pushing me away to shout for another cuddle - there have been times when I have thught I really cannot cope. And that dd1 would be better off with someone who can.

BUT.

and that says it all really:

but she is MY daughter, mine and no-one else's (well, dh had a hand in it I s'pose )

but no-one else would love her the way I do (egotistical view point I know)

but it is ME she needs (god, that really does sound vain)

No one thinks their child may be disabled when you get pregnant, but I did find her reasoning chilling.

She was prepared to breastfeed, until it was pointed out that her child was permanently disabled. Then Immie was not worth the bother. THat really made me

And to wipe out any memory of her existence in the house once she was gone - what must that have meant to the other child, coming home tofind that all trace of her sister had been wiped out? What a confusing time.

I was also saddened by the part where she said something along the lines of "and Tania said Immie liked chocolate", as though this were not soemthing that either 1)she ahd noticed or 2) thought was actually a fact (ie something Tania liked to think was true, but the mother knew better that actually Immie was not capable of likes/preferences)

Agree totally. The dad was a dipstick wasn't he 2shoes

What youre describing above silverfrog is the difficulties of being a carer. And something I'm sure we can all recognise, and something that will no doubt become too much for many of us at some stage (I know it will me) at which stage our children/young people/adults will be cared for by others. But the article didn't strike me as being about that It was about rejecting a child because she was disabled, rather than because the difficulties of caring had got too much.

You're right the breastfeeding thing was weird.

I've been thinking about this and actually wonder whether this scenario happens more than the average joe public member realises.

I think both parents were caught up in grief following Immie's birth and all their actions reflected this. I don't however, think that even with 110% support from the professionals and family they would have kept Immie within this family unit.

I thought the hospital did not seem unduly concerned by this woman's attitude. It all seemed very matter of fact.

Caring long term for a severely disabled child is a monumental task punctuated by much effort on the part of carers, a mountain of all sorts of bureaucracy and respite care which is extremely difficult to obtain. Small wonder therefore that a family unit can fracture under the strain.

When reading this article I thought of the lady in Essex who made the news with her disabled daughter, she never gave up her daughter. However, look at the problems they have faced; they've also had criticism from the disability rights organisations re her wish for her daugher to have surgery to stop periods from happening. Most people would crumble under the strain and I note her first marriage broke up because he could not "cope" with the realities of having a disabled child.

it does happen a lot. over the years I have met quite a few foster mums. but most "parents" would not use the situation to write a book.
fio i agree why don't they let the child go. they are so selfish.

She was on Radio 4's Womens Hour this morning - I didn't hear it, but will have a listen when I get home from work .