Mail on Sunday Magazine

[lottiejenkins]

I found this article today..........I thought it was very moving,,,, what a decision that lady made... dont think i could do it though!
www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/you/article.html?in_article_id=522925&in_page_id=1908

From the original article:

?I said I thought Imogen was happy in hospital, that we were all happier with her there.? All happier with her there, the message was clear even before the decision had been taken to dump Immy. And then:

?At around midday, even before the first ring completed, I picked up the receiver. A voice on the end enquired politely what time I would be collecting Imogen.
I said, "I shan't be coming in."?. Still no mention of Tania, still no mentin of what was going to happen to Immy, even though the decision had already been made that she was not going to be collected.

And then:

?That afternoon, while Ellie was at the nursery, Jay and I threw out all the baby stuff. Together we had created this poor child, and together we excised
her presence from our home. The cot, the steriliser, the highchair ? all went into the back of the car, and Jay drove them to the dump.?. They ?excised? her presence from their home but still no mention of Tania.

?Mr Randle asked me to confirm that I was not prepared to take Immie home and turned to Jay, who confirmed that he, too, could not look after her.

"What are you going to do?" I said to Immie's social worker.?. Ah we?re at it now. Julia had confirmed that she wasn?t going to collect Immy from hospital; they had dumped all her stuff; and only now did they enquire as to what was going to happen to her.

Did it really matter what the social worker was going to do? Immy had been ?excised? from their home, that was all that mattered really wasn?t it? If there hadn?t been a Tania, if Immy was going to be left in hospital/put up for adoption/sent to live in a children?s home it didn?t matter, because Julia had ?excised? her child?s presence from her home.

The only reason why she is still a ?parent in name? to Immy is because Tania was happy to care for Immy regardless of whether she had been adopted by her. Had it been anyone else, Immy would no doubt have been adopted and Julia would have had no further contact with her. But I guess that she couldn?t have played the hero in the book then by still having a relationship with her daughter despite the fact she had dumped her.

It was the article in Red that brought me looking for this thread, and this is the piece that bothers me most:

"By accepting my incapacity, I have gained so much, for everyone - Immie has abrilliant, loveing carer; Jay and I have stayed together, finding increasing intimacy and respect for each other; Elinor has regained the privelige of a normal childhood. She now has another sister, little Beatrice, who is the lively, challenging companion we hoped Immie would be."

Well I'm glad that Immie has a brilliant, loving carer, thank God - but that was pure chance and Julia had nothing to do with it.

The rest, particularly the final sentence, is chilling.

Yes and presumably the type of relationship with her where she can say 'oh Wednesday's not convenient for me, could be do Thursday instead?'

How great a normal childhood. At the expense of losing a sister.

She needs to read the thread I posted this week about ds3 saying 'ds1 is my brother and I love him'. Seems she could learn a lot from a 3 year old.

ds2 has been reading this. He's 12 and adores dd2 (severely brain damaged).
He was very anxious and tearful because he didn't realise parents got rid of children (anyone, not just disabled ones).
He said, but dd knows you are mummy, how could someone leave a tiny baby all alone?

He also admitted that life with dd has been very very hard but said he would never have changed it to getting rid of dd.

I wonder how much of this thread India Knight has been reading, "Imogen?s
father, a bearded charmer called Jay Arden," that would be beardy then .

I have read all the links. I feel that the image of them "excising" Imogen from their lives by dumping all the baby stuff is abhorrent and chilling. The self-justification for publicity/commercial purposes is grim.

I feel I have to say that my children do not have brain injuries or special needs. So I may be talking crap, and certainly without experience.

But I find the subsequent completion of the perfect family with their youngest 'the child immie should have been' is revolting to me. And echo the concerns about what would have been her fate if she was any less than perfect.

Thank goodness for foster-carers.

"Elinor has regained the privelige of a normal childhood. She now has another sister, little Beatrice, who is the lively, challenging companion we hoped Immie would be."

at what cost??

immy was never given a chance.

I've just read that properly 'the lively challenging companion we hoped Immie would be'

Dear god the woman needs therapy.

I was reluctant to post ds's comments. in case he caused offence.
but i now think he was right.

I wonder if she'll be doing any book signings.

would be tempted to go along.

I'm going to leave now, and I do apologise if I caused offence with some of my remarks.

I had hoped to create a little discussion around why people can end up doing things like leaving their sn kids with the authorities, the support that isn't there for parents etc.

Unlike many other places this one is probably unique in that so many of you have gone through those early days and now are living the reality of raising these children.

Even within your own language, MOST people would find it abhorrent, MOST people would see past what the professionals were saying.
What of the few? Are they to remain taboo, okay we know there are a few out there but they should shut up and keep quiet, should be stopped from having other children etc.

In the past many parents have mentioned going through the grievance process. Should this be considered by professionals when giving news to parents, should there be the offer of counselling for people like Julia?

There has been talk for a long time about joined up co-operation between professionals working with children. Considering the advice she was given, ie the child would need to be in danger before ss stepped in to help is it time we started demanding it happened. Should there be a formal way of brining professionals up to date if their advice is so antiquated - this was only four years ago.

The question of changing attitudes to severely disabled children, I don't have the answers. It does need to be brought out into the open and challenged. I did a real bad job of that in my extreme interpretation of what Julia was told when given the diagnosis and I recognise now it was highly offensive to all of you, and therefor I do appologise again for that.

I wish you all well.

There's nothing wrong with debating why parents do give up but this thread is about the woman, her quite cold giving up and the publicity.
Please do start a threaed about parents at breaking point and crap services.

dgeorgea apolgy accepted

I'm not going to waste any more time thinking about this woman. The more I think about it, the more it seems like some kind of early April fool to raise awareness about SN. Only kiddng, but how can she present her story in the way she does and not expect the reaction she is getting

I'm not going to waste any more time thinking about this woman. The more I think about it, the more it seems like some kind of early April fool to raise awareness about SN. Only kiddng, but how can she present her story in the way she does and not expect the reaction she is getting

"Elinor has regained the privelige of a normal childhood. She now has another sister, little Beatrice, who is the lively, challenging companion we hoped Immie would be."

Immy of cou0rse wasn't good enough for their PFB so they threw her away and made another.

My first post on this thread was after reading only the first link to the original article quickly. i gave tyhe family the benefit of the doubt.

having read through properly and after looking at the other links i can state quite clearly that the woman disgusts me.

It is not brave to profit from a child you abandoned.

She keeps saying how it was unfair on her pfb to have a sibling like Immy. so all of us with NT children along with a child who has SN are somehow being selfish and not worried about their needs?

This famil;y are incredibly lucky to have had their thrown away child be cared for by a lady ike Tania.

It is more often the case that Immy would be placed in a care home with anything up to 10 other children. she would have had multiple carers. even if she had found a foster placement this is likely to chaneg frequently.

I am also shocked at how easily it appears SS took the decision by the parents to place Immy into care.
it would normally take a couple of weeks. It is not as simple asd just handing your child over and saying i dont want them anymore. you8 are given time to realise just what you are doing.the enormityy of what is happening, tghe chance to come to your senses.

but this wasn't a normal family. this was a very well off family. yet again class has gone against a child with disability.

This woman is the very reason society still finds disability so difficult to accept.
She has not given her children the chance to have a "normal life" she has robbed them the chance to grow up in a tolerent and accepting environment. she has stolen teh oppertunity to see the wonder of a child who can overcome such a huge problem and still live a valuable and worthwhile life.

I think it said it all when in Tania's blog she states she tells the family of the things "mog" does but they don't believe her.
The family do not believe this child has any value. she can't possibly have any personality, she is brain damaged.

As for the mother speaking of love. she has no idea what love for a child is.

you may have guessed but i am about the way this family have behaved (the choice to go on and have another possibly disposable child is a disgrace!) but also thaty i was suckered in when reading teh article at first glance.

Raise awareness?

The only awareness that I can see being raised by this is that disabled children do not deserve the same love as NT ones, as apparently it is "brave" and "honest" to admit so, and dispose of them. In a nutshell.

Maybe the article should run alongside an advert for the local early testing centre's for feotal abnormailty.
after all, who on earth would want a child with "problems"

DS3's (aged 3) thoughts about having a severely disabled brother

INcidentally I told ds2 (6) that a friend coming to visit today has autism (moderate-severe although I didn't tell him that) and he was absolutely stunned. He had no idea.

Acceptance of difference - a great gift that siblings of severely disabled children get given to them.

Julia's thoughts about sibling relationships are just warped.

I agree. children who grow up not knowing and accpeting difference are missing out.

a friends DD is a couple of months older than DS.
a parent was overheard bitching about DS in teh playground a couple of weeks ago. she went up, tapped her on the arm to get her attention and said

"excuse me, but xx is not naughty he has autism. your just rude"

I admit i laughed.
teh womans face was a picture and i was very proud of my friends dd.

when teh woma looked up to see who teh child was with my friend looked back and said " yes she is with me, and i agree with everything she said." and walked off.

FIO - it is very difficult to get a social worker in most area's and yes it is often impossible unless the child is at risk.
so its not unusual for people to advise parents to claim they feel unable to cope.

agreee however that the family should have been speaking with the disabilities team rather than the looked after children dept.