I have known Tania for a while now online, and I find her to be a truly amazing person.
I have also enjoyed hearing about Imi growing up.
I was actually pleased to see the mums story being told. She wasn't coping and had even considered harming Imi, so it was not just the father! Yet mum was wrong for not kicking the husband to the touch line, but should have carried on her own when she admits she was not coping either?
There are people who just cannot cope, it doesn't make them necessarily bad parents, it does not make them monsters. Had the mum killed her then she would have been criticed and demonised, some here would have pointed out she would have had the option of giving her up for adoption or fostering.
erm... oh hang on that is what she did do! So that is just as bad???
I dare say with the proper support and time the family may have learned to cope. From what has been said she was given poor advice - nothing new there then!
Actually I think it is a story which is well overdue. 9 out of 10 marriages with sn children fail. So the truth is as individuals and families we are not coping with the pressures of special needs however you dress it up.
I do wonder what the message is that is being sent out to mothers who are not coping and not getting the support.
If the book sends out the message that there are other alternatives if you are genuinely not coping then is it a bad thing?
I have found mumsnet to be very supportive, and understanding. I do wonder though the responses to mums who are where Julia and her family were and come here for support and have read this thread.
There are occassions I have shared my own story as a father of occassions I have not been proud of. When I have done so it has been with honesty, and yes rather cold and matter of fact. I have done so in the hope that it will help with other fathers who are facing similar situations so that they can know things can change and improve. I have done so in non public forums, but recently agreed for it to be repeated where I had no chance to respond to comments.
In part I write the story like that not because I was or am cold and uncaring, far from it I cannot write it without getting upset and end up finishing it through tears. The other reason is to simply put it down without trying to make excuses for myself, or to try and shift the blame other then from myself.
They are not written for self therapy, or to justify to myself what I did. When I choose to write it it is because I feel the story needs to be told so others can know it is not they are not alone and things can improve if as men we are prepared to change.
I don't doubt that at the time if my wife had posted here many of you would have told her to get rid of me.
I'm sure dumping her husband for thinking the same sort of thing she was would have gone a long way to stabilising the family unit and would have been in everyones best interest, including the first daughter who found herself caught up in all this.
Personally I found myself full of compassion for the whole family and yes I do believe she is brave in writing her story and publicising it as she has done. This thread is one good reason why I think she is brave.
Just to clarify, I do have the greatest respect for the posters here, and by no means wish to upset or insult anyone here. Most of you are coping magnificently well but while being honest if asked if I could have coped - I just don't know! Probably not in the same circumstances.