That is amazing on the weight loss and BP @danni0509 ! Hope everyone is still doing OK with the heat - one more day to go, and sounds like this evening should be a bit cooler than last night thank goodness.
Welcome @TopCatsTopHat ! My DD is 8 (going into Y4 next autumn) and although she was Dx'd young they actually sound rather similar in almost being super-sensitive to some things but a bit oblivious to others. DD does quite often say she is being bullied and sometimes she is but sometimes it's just other kids being silly and DD taking it to heart, so it's really hard to guide her, because I don't want her to put up with nastiness, but also it's hard to form friendships when you are sensitive like that, and I do see the other girls doing playdates and sleepovers etc. and it's notable that it doesn't really happen for DD. She is fantastic and funny and lovely though, and does get on really well with her cousins and her best friend from outside school - but I suspect all those people are all also wired a bit like DD so they just understand each other better.
I do think some kind of out of school club around her interests might be worth a shot. Even if she doesn't socialise there (DD does ballet and martial arts but doesn't really speak to the other kids much at either) it will help her build her skills and confidence in areas she enjoys. Partly I just try to accept that DD doesn't need as much socialisation time as the other kids and needs more down time just by herself or with her brother/cousins/family.
As others have predicted I am now going to suggest a massive slab of books. They are all written by autistic authors, so quite apart from the content hopefully they will help your DD see that while being different is really painful as a pre-teen, it doesn't have to be as she gets older.
Of course I guess you would need to explain to her why you are giving her any of these books you like the look of. Personally I would tell DD that you think she might be wired differently to most of her friends, and that this can lead to misunderstandings (it's called the "double empathy problem" - it's not that autistic people lack empathy, but rather that all people tend to assume other people think and behave in similar ways to them, and for neurotypical people that's largely true, but because autistics are a minority it's often not). I'm also autistic and as I've come to realise that I suddenly see autistic and ADHD traits in lots of my friends. I do think there is something to the idea that friendships are just easier within these groups.
So anyway, I would explain that there isn't a hard line between "typical" and "not", and the science is constantly changing, but there is a good chance she is wired differently and learning more about the different ways people are wired can be helpful in understanding herself and others - hence big dump of books. 😂
So I'm going to start with fiction because if she is resistant to the idea that she might be different it could be a good way in. There is an amazing author called Elle McNicoll who has written 3 books all with neurodivergent main characters (autistic in "A Kind of Spark" which is realist, autistic and ADHD friends in "Show us Who You Are" which is sci-fi, and Dyspraxic and autistic characters in "Like a Charm" which is probably my favourite and is a kind of magical fantasy set in Edinburgh. These are all really cool neurodivergent characters and their neurodivergence isn't really poured over but is important to the story and is looked at in a very positive (but not rose-tinted) way. Honestly I would recommend them to anybody but for ND kids even more so. She has won several awards and they are just fantastic books in their own right - I really enjoyed them myself.
If she's less keen on reading there is also a graphic novel for kids called "Frankie's World" by Aoife Dooley that she might like. It's short and quite fun and the main character is an autistic girl. Aoife is a professional comedian as well as an illustrator so the humour definitely comes through. It's a bit like Tom Gates in style, if your DD likes those books.
"The State of Grace" by Rachel Lucas is also really good though it has a teenage main protagonist so is probably for slightly older kids and I haven't given it to DD yet. The "Geek Girl" series by Holly Smale doesn't mention autism but Holly was recently diagnosed and says that Harriet is based on her younger self, so is also autistic. Again possibly for slightly older kids though as the characters are teenagers. I really like Matt Haig's children's books - although they are not explicitly about ND characters, he was recently diagnosed as autistic and ADHD and I think a lot of his characters probably are ND (hmm... Truth Pixie - need I say more? There is a newish one called "The Truth Pixie Goes to School" which I really fancy for DD. "Evie and the Animals" and "To Be a Cat" are also excellent - though not specifically about ND).
Then there are (finally!) lots of great factual autism books written by young autistic women:
- "A Different Sort of Normal" by Abigail Balfe (brilliantly illustrated and very fun/not too heavy - this is my favourite)
- "Perfectly Weird Perfectly You" by Camilla Pang (again illustrated though not as charmingly: Camilla Pang is a scientist and looks at things through that lens - so if your DD is into science this might appeal to her).
- "The Spectrum Girl's Survival Guide" by Siena Castellon. This one is a bit more grown up and has stuff on relationships so maybe it's a bit old depending on where your DD is at. DD did read it though and just skimmed those bits I think - I tried to talk to her about them but she didn't seem very interested so I didn't push it!
- "Can You See Me" (by Libby Scott and a non-autistic co-author) - there is a set of three of these and they are fiction but based on Libby's experiences.
- "The Secret Life of Rose" (by Rose and Jodie Smitten who are mother and daughter, and each write different sections of the book I think).
- "Wired Differently: 30 Neurodivergent People You Should Know" (by Joe Wells who is autistic and had OCD - he's a comedian and has a great podcast on neurodivergent creatives, so I'm looking forward to reading this one at some point - it covers not just autism but ADHD, OCD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, etc.)
There are also some good books with parenting advice - e.g. I really like Luke Beardon's books - most recently on "Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Children". I think he may actually not be autistic himself - but he's a Senior Lecturer at Sheffield Hallam leading one of the best known/respected Masters courses on autism and has really led the way in taking a more inclusive approach to autism research.
There is an autistic lady called Emily Lovegrove who specialises in bullying who has written "Autism Bullying and Me" which is also good, if your DD faces any issues like that. She actually didn't find out she was autistic until after she got into helping neurodivergent kids which seems quite common!
I haven't personally found the social skills books particularly helpful - as you say, it's really difficult to suddenly just start "doing" socialisation in a way that isn't innate. I do agree that some form of "masking" is almost inevitable if you're in a neuro-minority, and not necessarily harmful if it's done knowingly and with enough time to decompress and relax with people who accept and love you as you are - but I think it generally takes a bit longer to figure that out. However, one book that DD did enjoy a surprising amount was "Diary of a Social Detective" by Jeffrey Jessum. I think it's out of print (we got it at World of Books) and a bit American - but the idea is the author is an autistic boy who has learned social skills and uses them to help other pupils at his school to deal with particular social problems they are facing (falling out with a friend, not having anybody to sit with at lunch, or whatever - I can't remember now!) I found it a bit clunky but DD really liked it for some reason and still goes back to it occasionally!