Right, long post but here goes. My DS1 is 9. He has autism, was my PFB, was ill and premature as a baby. But anyway, he is 100 percent healthy now, doing great, but I think I was a SAHM for too long and DH didn't help out enough with him. I was preparing to go back to work when he was 4 and our second child was 1. Then I got cancer (lymphoma), discovered I was pregnant, had a nasty intensive stem cell transplant, lost baby at 36 weeks. Anyway, that was 2017-18, it's almost 2022. I've been in remission since July 2018. I've been looking for jobs and finally have got one. My first in 9 years. Since lockdown, DS1 has had this strange thing about me leaving the house unless he is at school. He cries buckets if he is left at home with dad if I go to the supermarket for 2 minutes. Its beyond frustrating because he won't even tell us why. My parents are looking after him tomorrow for my first day at work..but my DH has been saying 'oh yeah expect lots of fraught calls from your parents not knowing how to cope with his crying' and DS has been saying to me all day "you can't go to work tomorrow mummy (tearfully) you can only go to work when I'm at school" and "promise me you'll only go to work when I'm at school". Its driving me mad. I've been at home for 9 years and finally after beating cancer I just want a life. He won't tell us why he feels like this. I'm just so frustrated. CAMHS and autism services just give us links to worksheets that our son refuses to engage with. I feel like il never have any sort of life