Should we take care of sick relative? (too much on my plate!)

[Eulalia]

Posted this on another thread because I didn't want to moan but need to offload ...

2 days ago I got a call from the boyfriend (well ex actually) of dh's daughter asking "if she got here OK". First we knew she was even coming. Anyway she was missing for 2 days somewhere between London and Aberdeen. Turned up yesterday in Aberdeen naked and disorientated. We think she's had a relapse from herpes simplex encephalitis contracted 2 years ago. She'd been to Glastonbury, got a bit run down, smoking dope and possibly other drugs.... Anyway her and boyfriend have split (after 10 years), she's also packed in her job and just got on a bus "to come and see her Dad".

ARGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Like I really need this. At the moment she is in hospital but what happens next. I've told dh that I can't look after her. Last time she took months to recouperate and was very depressed - she was with her boyfriend then, but now she is up here and is effectively homeless. I wouldn't mind but she is 28 and we had her living with us for 18 months 10 years ago to 'sort herself out' and it almost drove me away from dh. Since then she's just gone in and out of things, jobs, education etc...

Do you think it is wrong of me not to be more supportive? I mean she is an adult now and a lot of the problems are self generated. She was told last time she shouldn't smoke dope at all but of course carried on....

Sorry for the long moan. Also ds's birthday party tomorrow and I don't want any of this to spoil it.

Oh yes and to complicate things dh is right in between jobs, finishes this one next Fri and starts the new one on the Monday and they are REALLY busy, so he can't take any time off.

And we don't even have a spare bedroom as dh is still not finished the new bedroom, which is supposed to be for ds anyway.

Oh, I wasn't criticising, Eulalia, I hope you don't think that. I was just trying to express that parental instinct might make one feel that giving dh'sdd a home was the best thing to do, but instinct isn't always right. It sounds like it would be the wrong thing for all of you. Did the nurse mean that she'll need long term in-patient hospital care or that she needs care in the community for a long while? BTW, what's herpes simplex encephalitis? I've not heard of it.

I hope at the very least you get a breathing space while she's in hospital, to gather your thoughts together and make a plan of action. Take care.

Message withdrawn

That's Ok Suedonim. besides I like to hear all viewpoints. dh is visiting her just now, she's been moved to the psychiatric hospital. He wasn;t too pleased when they phoned and put her on the phone and she started demanding tobacco and calling him "mate".

She has no family here apart from us. All she has is her mum, 2 brothers and an elderly grandfather and an uncle I think but they all live in Croydon/South England. dh has no parents or siblings. So we would be the main supporters. One of her friends phoned lst night and has offered to come up one weekend. The freind told us that she'd refused counselling the last time she was ill, which just fuels my annoyance furhter that she isn't trying to help herself.
anyway dh isn't looking too happy about her being in our house so if she stays in Aberdeen it will be in her own place.

Must go, just stopping for a quick break. Bouncy castle is inflated but need to blow up some more balloons and get my party dress on!

Managed to persuade dh to visit daugther before the party rather than after so he can come back and relax and drink lots of punch

Have a lovely party Eulalia, and Happy Birthday to your ds

Enjoy the party - and the punch!

Happy birthday Eulalia's ds!

Hope the visit goes well- and hope you had a lovely party.

Have spoken to dh more about this and he agrees that staying here long term is not a good idea. For a start she'd have to share a bedroom with ds and I don't think a 28 year old and 5 year old is a good mix. She is very messy and I'd be panicking about her leaving her pills lying around. Also persuaded dh that she won't recover properly being so close to him as she tends to revert to 'child mode' when she ever visits. Also a lot of her problems are due to her mother and dh said its not appropriate for him to talk about his ex with her. A 3rd party is better.

I really don't know what is happening but some decisions are gong to have to be made soon as she doesn't even have proper clothes with her. We need to look at a half-way house or sheltered accommodation but its awful hard with very little family/friends around. dh is only managing to visit her for an hour after work and that is all he can do. I said I'd visit this week which I don't mind but of course it is a 25 mile drive with the 2 kids so its not something I can do very often.

Part of me keeps thinking, I wish she'd never got on that bus which is awful I know but I am just being honest! Anyway think I'll move over to the step- parenting thread although I've never really thought of myself as a proper step-parent, kind of hard when you are only 10 years older than your 'child'.