Should we take care of sick relative? (too much on my plate!)

[Eulalia]

Posted this on another thread because I didn't want to moan but need to offload ...

2 days ago I got a call from the boyfriend (well ex actually) of dh's daughter asking "if she got here OK". First we knew she was even coming. Anyway she was missing for 2 days somewhere between London and Aberdeen. Turned up yesterday in Aberdeen naked and disorientated. We think she's had a relapse from herpes simplex encephalitis contracted 2 years ago. She'd been to Glastonbury, got a bit run down, smoking dope and possibly other drugs.... Anyway her and boyfriend have split (after 10 years), she's also packed in her job and just got on a bus "to come and see her Dad".

ARGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Like I really need this. At the moment she is in hospital but what happens next. I've told dh that I can't look after her. Last time she took months to recouperate and was very depressed - she was with her boyfriend then, but now she is up here and is effectively homeless. I wouldn't mind but she is 28 and we had her living with us for 18 months 10 years ago to 'sort herself out' and it almost drove me away from dh. Since then she's just gone in and out of things, jobs, education etc...

Do you think it is wrong of me not to be more supportive? I mean she is an adult now and a lot of the problems are self generated. She was told last time she shouldn't smoke dope at all but of course carried on....

Sorry for the long moan. Also ds's birthday party tomorrow and I don't want any of this to spoil it.

Oh yes and to complicate things dh is right in between jobs, finishes this one next Fri and starts the new one on the Monday and they are REALLY busy, so he can't take any time off.

And we don't even have a spare bedroom as dh is still not finished the new bedroom, which is supposed to be for ds anyway.

Don't know what to say but sending big hugs

Blooming heck, what an awful situation. I can completely see why you don't want that to deal with. I'm sure you'll get people feeling that you should support her because she's your dh's daughter, but when all's said and done she's an adult and you really do have enough else to cope with. It's the school holidays too, isn't it, so your children will be around all the time. I would feel very uneasy about having someone in that state in the house with young children.

The thing is, what's the alternative? Is her mother around? I don't have any constructive suggestions, but I would hate this if it were my stepdd. Many sympathies.

tend to agree with tamum. But she is dh's daughter so you 'should' support him and her. Must be an awful situation to be in though, at least you can offload on here

I agree with Tamum and Fio but because you have already gone through this in the past, would you be able to set some rules, I don't know if it is an intelligent situation but probably something like she can stay for X time as long as it doesn't significantly affect the life of DS? Or probably I would help if she akes the compromise not to use drugs while she is here?
I don't know if I am talking rubish TBH

Dear, I can't even understand myself, here it goes again:

I agree with Tamum and Fio but because you have already gone through this in the past, would you be able to set some rules?, I don't know if it is an intelligent sugestion but probably something like "she can stay for X time as long as it doesn't significantly affect the life of DS?" Or probably "I would help if she takes the compromise not to use drugs while she is here? "

I don't know if I am talking rubish TBH but if I do, I appologise

it sounds to me like she really needs help. i dont know anything about her illness but i'd hope if i was in a bad way (self inflicted or not) some member of my family would help out somehow.

maybe set up some ground rules, get her on the homeless list, help her with benefits and then try to get as much help fropm others. all u have to so is provide a room, and ground rules and a time limit.

How does dh feel about it?
Is he committed to helping her or does he think it's a pain in the arse/ imposition on your young family too?
Obviously when you marry someone you take on their family to a certain extent but I think you have only limited responsibility to his grown up children. However if he's determind to help her then you may need to grit your teeth and support him.
I agree with others though - set boundaries. She can only stay for a fixed amount of time to get herself sorted out; she must be working towards a plan of independence during that time (find a job, somewhere to like etc); she must not take any drugs; she must see a doctor regularly etc etc (whatever is most appropriate).

Oh dear she sounds like she needs some serious help. Is she being seen by a psychiatrist? Maybe she needs drugs to sort her out, she could be schizophrenic or something. Sorry to sound alarmist but a friend of mine got into a similar state a few years ago and ended up being sectioned and diagnosed at schizophrenic, he was doing similar things, wandering around in a daze, too many drugs, very depressed, paranoid delusions etc.

I would get her mental health assessed before deciding how to deal with this situation. It may be that with the right medication she could sort herself out with your help.

Agree with CD and the others - think youhave a responsibility to a degree but also think that maybe she needs more professinoal help - can you afford to put her in a hospital type of thing where she will get professional help??

Can youget an emergency appointment with your doctor this afternoon and see if their is something he/she can suggest??

Agree with CD- she sounds as if she needs more help than someone in your situation can provide. if you refuse to take her will that kickstart SS/mental health teams etc into providing the help she needs? I'm a bit concerned that if you take her in then you'll be left ot get on with it unless you actually reach breaking point.

Also what does your dh think? Obviously its better if you both agree.

Thanks for the quick response (sniff) feel a bit weepy now that so many people care...

dh isn't too happy as he had all this 2 years ago. He drove 500 miles to see her as he thought she was at deaths door. She was off work for months, sat around, put a lot of weight on, was on antidepressants but finally sorted herself out, went to college for awhile (packed it after half a year - go figure? as the American's say). Yes she has some deep unresolved issues, difficult childhood (dh and ex split up when she was 8 and moved 500 miles away). The mother is a complete idiot and apparently dh's daughter has been supporting her financially for the past few months.

Anyway won't witter on. The thing is I would have her staying with us for a short time when she is better but its the period in between that bothers me, ie the time when she is ok to leave hospital but not well enough to work and support herself. I saw her last time on a short visit (she had a friend with her) and she spent most of the time crying and sleeping, being a bit weird and paranoid. I wouldn't even feel happy aobut leaving her alone and yes its the school hols so last thing I want is to be dragging her out of bed and around the playparks or whatever...

Think I will suggest organisations to dh, otherwise it will be me who is cracking up ..

Made ds's birthday cake this afternoon and dd climbed up and took a large gouge out of it so had to repair it with more icing and filled the hole with chocolate buttons, looks really strange but I suppose it will get eaten.

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Eulalia,

Honey you CAN'T take this on, it could go on for a long time, and I can see that it could drive you and dh apart. What is his view. Does he want you to have her with you? If so, then that could be a problem.

Otherwise I would get the hospital social worker involved, sister on the ward can contact them for you. If she is homeless, then they may be able to help, get her on local social services list for hostel, aftercare or something. They may try to pressure you to care for her yourselves (just to save their money), but you have to stick to your guns with "We have no room" and "It would be inappropriate with the children"

Please don't get persuaded to have her live with you if you can't take it. You can care/oversee while she is elsewhere, without having her in your home.

I know it's a hard decision honey, I'm thinking of you.

You could also mention ds' autism as a reaosn why it in appropriate for her to stay with you - so that she geneuinely IS homeless.

Make sure you enjoy ds' birthday pary tomorrow though!

Just caught up with this thread. Is there any way of helping her without her necessarily living with you? The long holidays are already a nightmare with ASD. I'm just worried that you will end up going to pieces if you have all of this to deal with at home too. There's only so much that you can cope with at once.

dh and I just had a row. First of many perhaps? I was sitting down looking a bit pissed off (first time I've really shown my feelings) and he noticed and I had to say "I am annoyed about this but am trying to cope with it as I know its not going to help you". Then it came out how she'd nearly driven us apart 10 years ago and he seemed to think that was news to him!

I feel really mixed up as she isn't a totally bad person, she gives the kids presents and things when she visits and she is lying there in hospital quite ill...but this time I just can't generate any sympathy because it is largely self-inflicted and its been going on for so long. Every time she visits there is always this discussion about what she is going to do with her life instead of just getting on with it. I had to tell dh that she is one of the most self centred persons I've ever met. Ooops maybe not a good time but actually felt better for just stating it and getting it off my chest. After all I know he doesn't particularly like all my relatives.

He left to go to the hospital looking hurt like I am supposed to love his daughter just because it is his daughter.

When I said "she never tries to help herself" he said "she doesn't know how to" I had to say "but she's never even tried to find out" This is fair surely. The thing is she visits us and takes advice from dh and then just ignores it or picks out the relevant bits that suit her - you can't have it all ways can you?

I think I am just sick of always being nice and 'there for him' and coping and so on. You know you reach a certain age in your life and you just have to start speaking for yourself.

Thanks again - hopefully I can put this out of my mind and enjoy the day tomorrow.

I think we are looking at a stay of a week in hospital and then I would hope she can stay in the local psychiatric hospital for weeks/months? if it is going to follow the same course as last time.

My main worry is if she ends up living with us again long term. Last time she did this it took her months to make any friends and she didn't give me and dh any privacy.

If she can't stay in hospital for a while then I think your dh has to sort something else out. If you weren't here, what would he do? I don't think it's fair to assume you will have her living with you just because you happen to be at home with the children anyway. If she was fit and healthy and needed somewhere to stay for a few weeks then fair enough, but you can't be expected to take on the care of an adult psychiatic patient aswell as an ASD 4 year old and a toddler, it's simply not on.

I'm so sorry about all this, it sounds awful for everyone.

That must be one of the most stressful situations I can imagine Eulalia, very dificult for both you and your dh. I know it's tough but perhaps you could phrase things neutrally, so that your dh doesn't feel that he has to choose between you and his dd. So you could say things like, she needs professional help to help herself, or that she needs a an environment that is focussed on her rather than being in a confined space with the demands of family life. I do actually believe from what I've read that for her to come and live with you would be unhelpful for her (as well as you obviously). If you can encourage your dh to believe that it's in his dd's best interests not to live with you (rather than in your best interests) then he won't feel that he's letting her down.

Totally agree with Easy and Bran. I really don't think it's on for you to be looking after someone who is struggling with mental illness on top of all the other stuff you do and it may well not be in your stepdaughter's interests anyway. Well done for being honest with dh- I think you'll have to continue to do this while being as sympathetic as possible. Sympathies to everyone- it sounds really stressful for everyone.

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Oh, what a dilemma, Eulalia. I must admit, I can see where your dh is coming from, as I couldn't refuse my own child a home...but...but...but...

I think I agree with the responses here and she shouldn't come to live with you. It isn't necessarily in her best interests, she sounds like she needs specialist help and if you 'take her in' it might mean the NHS/SS just washes their hands of her and you'll have to cope on your own. You'll need to be adamant to SS that you don't have room for her - give them an inch, they'll take a mile.

But just because you don't have her to live with you doesn't mean you're unsupportive - there are lots of ways in which you and dh can help her get back on the road to normality, I'm sure.

I hope you have a good day with ds tomorrow - Happy Birthday wishes to him.

It was actually dh that was digging, asking me why I looked pissed off. I'd been really good up till then, honest! Nothing but supportive stuff but I suppose it just sunk it today.

Yes there is some residual guilt about marriage break up but this was 20 years ago and dh and I have discussed this plenty of times. maybe he needs to talk to his daughter about it. It was his ex who left anyway.

Anyway I actually spoke to the nurse this evening on the phone and she said she didn't think she'd be able to cope on her own for a long time.

I know suedonim yes she should in theory be welcome here any time but I've been there before. She was just too emtionally draining last time and I feel she'd be worse this time round.

Not going to worry about the future at the moment...better go as dh is due back from the hospital (poor thing - its a 50 mile round trip).

thanks again.