Hello everyone, newish poster here who could really do with some help regarding my 9 year old's behaviour. Been meaning to post this for a while, but was stumped as to how I'd be able to summarise all the relative info. I was also a bit worried about receiving any critisism, so I'll just say- I don't claim to be a perfect mother- I've made mistakes and wish I could go back and correct them but I cant. I finally managed to leave a long term very abusive relationship 4 years ago, it affected us all very badly and it's been a long and rocky road back to some form of 'normality' and there's been many hurdles along the way. I'm writing this on my phone so apologies for any spelling or grammatical errors. I'll try and summarise or this will be pages long...
Background info:
I'm a single working mum (carer) of 6, and am also trying to do a distance learning Course to get a place for a nursing degree to try and improve our situation.
Eldest son in the Navy,
second eldest at Uni. He was diagnosed with Aspergers aged 6 after his school insisted on a referral the previous year. He received a lot of help as a child and now manages to live in a house share arrangement with friends and his girlfriend. Aspergers still apparent but he is managing very well in the supportive environment he lives in, and is doing amazingly well in his art degree ( very good at it from a very early age).
At home with me are Dd's of 16 and 8, and DS's of 11 and 9.
DS4 - could never put him down as a baby without him crying. Wanted feeding constantly for a very long time.
Not an easy toddler to put it mildly
Slight concerns raise by Reception teacher about how he would wander around/ fidget, appear not to listen and a tendency to try and eat the whole fruit bowl instead of one bit. Also said he sometimes seems tired- I explain I have major problems with his sleeping. He seems to need very little sleep and says ' his brain can't switch off' when he tries to fall asleep.
Speak to doctor- pretty much dismissed and told he'd grow out of it. School goes quiet.
Split up with abusive husband when he was 5- quite bad behavioural problems - I decided to see how it went rather than take him to dr's. I saw many similarities to older DS's behaviour and ASD traits in his behaviour but decided to wait a bit and see if trauma related rather than SN. Horrendous sleep habits a constant feature and still is. DS 3 also had some similar issues. They settled down in time, and improved pretty much completely a year or so after split from Ex.
Ds3- behaviour escalates. I approach school- my concerns dismissed -'he's fine when he's here'. Reports though hint of him being very withdrawn and 'anti social.' No real friends and older DS tells me he's frequently sitting alone on the bench at play times. Says the kids call him 'weird' and 'fatty'.
Go to GP. Told would need school support for a referral. School brush me off - tell me SN lady is off but when she's back they make me an app. This goes on for a year. I repeatedly go to them with concerns that he 'hates' school and pretty much refuses to go many days. I have to take him in kicking and screaming most days. Some days I cant physically get him there ( very big and strong) and I tell them this. They say 'he's flne when he calms down' - he says he isn't. Receive a letter from council threatening a fine for repeated absences. Go to GP and beg for a referral, tell them that the school is unsupportive. Schools gets an 'inadequate' Ofsted inspection and SN provision ( or lack of) mentioned in report.
Receive an appointment with community paediatrics for tor today. GP rings and says he has a letter saying they need a form filled In by the school or they won't see him. Go today- appointment been cancelled- referred to wrong dept in first place. Say they write to me 8th March - no letter received. Told lady would phone me straight back from the correct dept this
Morning. Ensured they had correct number yet still no phone call. Take DS to schools after. Restraint had to be used to keep him there. I'm advised to leave him there even though he is kicking the door and screaming and has punched me hard on the arm. I was heartbroken to hear him and in tears but thought if I relented this time I'd never get him to go again. I his round the corner in tears to see if he calms down- he doesn't - I can still hear him yelling etc. peek round again and notice he has got out the door and is sitting on a bench outside. I was hugely upset at how helpless and pitiful he looked sitting there and my inability to help him. See a teacher go out and appear to try and reason with him. 10 mins later I ring the office and ask what I should do. Told to leave- they would deal with it.
I'm just at my wits end. I have this hugely troubled son who j just seem unable to help and access any help for. Major behavioural issues- massive tantrums in public if we go out. Every time. Throws breaks and kicks things around in temper at home, hits me his siblings when he can't get his own way. Often doesn't sleep for 2/3 days in a row. No ability to reason with anyone. Took a knife up to my daughters room when she told him he couldn't have something. Threw cans at the windows in my car while I was driving to try and smash them in a tantrum. Constant eating and obsession with food- denial of food is frequently a catalyst for his tantrums ( or whatever they may be called now). Now getting very overweight because of this. Attempts to hide food not very successful- he always finds it.
A month ago ( when I wanted to post) a huge burn/ blister appeared in his arm. Hospital trips for dressings needed and time off school. Initially I was mystified as to what is was and concluded that it must be a rash from the scotch guard I used on my sofa ( a while back). DS2 visits and tells me there is a craze going around of using ice and salt to create burns and his injury looks very much like he had done that. He tearfully admits he did. Also admits to making himself sick to try and get out of school. Mentions again how his 'brain doesn't seem right and is always talking to him'. Them says ' it will stop when I kill myself'.
Urgent phone call to GP. Camhs referral - letter says they tried to ring but had wrong number and he would be discharged if I didn't content them within 7 days. Letter received 2 days after this time was up. Call to them. Advised to go back to GP to be re referred, which he has done.
Call to new head teacher of school. I explain all that has happened - she says she will speak to him and get some help from SN lady. Nothing heard as yet. She spoke to him and said she was also very concerned about his mental health. Mentions that he appears to have quite severe 'paranoia'. Mentions ASD too. Says she would be happy speak to any Dr's etc he may see.
But the current situation is - I have an incredibly troubled little boy who I can't seem to access any help for and o don't know what to do to stop him slipping through the net as he seems to be. And in the meantime we all too are being badly affected by his behaviour. DS one in middle of GCSE's but her study constantly interrupted. All of our sleep is disrupted by him. Outings are becoming infrequent due to his behaviour in public. I'm having to hide and lock away food, knives, salt, tablets and do on as he is so unpredictable and I fear what he will do next.
Any advice would be much appreciated, as I feel really out of my depth here yet I'm getting no help/ it is taking to long. How loud do I have to shout and who to in order to help him as I jusg don't know what to do next to try and get people to listen and to access the help he so desperately needs.