Desperately seeking advice about my 9 year old

[demonchilde]

Hello everyone, newish poster here who could really do with some help regarding my 9 year old's behaviour. Been meaning to post this for a while, but was stumped as to how I'd be able to summarise all the relative info. I was also a bit worried about receiving any critisism, so I'll just say- I don't claim to be a perfect mother- I've made mistakes and wish I could go back and correct them but I cant. I finally managed to leave a long term very abusive relationship 4 years ago, it affected us all very badly and it's been a long and rocky road back to some form of 'normality' and there's been many hurdles along the way. I'm writing this on my phone so apologies for any spelling or grammatical errors. I'll try and summarise or this will be pages long...

Background info:
I'm a single working mum (carer) of 6, and am also trying to do a distance learning Course to get a place for a nursing degree to try and improve our situation.
Eldest son in the Navy,
second eldest at Uni. He was diagnosed with Aspergers aged 6 after his school insisted on a referral the previous year. He received a lot of help as a child and now manages to live in a house share arrangement with friends and his girlfriend. Aspergers still apparent but he is managing very well in the supportive environment he lives in, and is doing amazingly well in his art degree ( very good at it from a very early age).
At home with me are Dd's of 16 and 8, and DS's of 11 and 9.

DS4 - could never put him down as a baby without him crying. Wanted feeding constantly for a very long time.
Not an easy toddler to put it mildly
Slight concerns raise by Reception teacher about how he would wander around/ fidget, appear not to listen and a tendency to try and eat the whole fruit bowl instead of one bit. Also said he sometimes seems tired- I explain I have major problems with his sleeping. He seems to need very little sleep and says ' his brain can't switch off' when he tries to fall asleep.
Speak to doctor- pretty much dismissed and told he'd grow out of it. School goes quiet.

Split up with abusive husband when he was 5- quite bad behavioural problems - I decided to see how it went rather than take him to dr's. I saw many similarities to older DS's behaviour and ASD traits in his behaviour but decided to wait a bit and see if trauma related rather than SN. Horrendous sleep habits a constant feature and still is. DS 3 also had some similar issues. They settled down in time, and improved pretty much completely a year or so after split from Ex.

Ds3- behaviour escalates. I approach school- my concerns dismissed -'he's fine when he's here'. Reports though hint of him being very withdrawn and 'anti social.' No real friends and older DS tells me he's frequently sitting alone on the bench at play times. Says the kids call him 'weird' and 'fatty'.

Go to GP. Told would need school support for a referral. School brush me off - tell me SN lady is off but when she's back they make me an app. This goes on for a year. I repeatedly go to them with concerns that he 'hates' school and pretty much refuses to go many days. I have to take him in kicking and screaming most days. Some days I cant physically get him there ( very big and strong) and I tell them this. They say 'he's flne when he calms down' - he says he isn't. Receive a letter from council threatening a fine for repeated absences. Go to GP and beg for a referral, tell them that the school is unsupportive. Schools gets an 'inadequate' Ofsted inspection and SN provision ( or lack of) mentioned in report.

Receive an appointment with community paediatrics for tor today. GP rings and says he has a letter saying they need a form filled In by the school or they won't see him. Go today- appointment been cancelled- referred to wrong dept in first place. Say they write to me 8th March - no letter received. Told lady would phone me straight back from the correct dept this
Morning. Ensured they had correct number yet still no phone call. Take DS to schools after. Restraint had to be used to keep him there. I'm advised to leave him there even though he is kicking the door and screaming and has punched me hard on the arm. I was heartbroken to hear him and in tears but thought if I relented this time I'd never get him to go again. I his round the corner in tears to see if he calms down- he doesn't - I can still hear him yelling etc. peek round again and notice he has got out the door and is sitting on a bench outside. I was hugely upset at how helpless and pitiful he looked sitting there and my inability to help him. See a teacher go out and appear to try and reason with him. 10 mins later I ring the office and ask what I should do. Told to leave- they would deal with it.

I'm just at my wits end. I have this hugely troubled son who j just seem unable to help and access any help for. Major behavioural issues- massive tantrums in public if we go out. Every time. Throws breaks and kicks things around in temper at home, hits me his siblings when he can't get his own way. Often doesn't sleep for 2/3 days in a row. No ability to reason with anyone. Took a knife up to my daughters room when she told him he couldn't have something. Threw cans at the windows in my car while I was driving to try and smash them in a tantrum. Constant eating and obsession with food- denial of food is frequently a catalyst for his tantrums ( or whatever they may be called now). Now getting very overweight because of this. Attempts to hide food not very successful- he always finds it.

A month ago ( when I wanted to post) a huge burn/ blister appeared in his arm. Hospital trips for dressings needed and time off school. Initially I was mystified as to what is was and concluded that it must be a rash from the scotch guard I used on my sofa ( a while back). DS2 visits and tells me there is a craze going around of using ice and salt to create burns and his injury looks very much like he had done that. He tearfully admits he did. Also admits to making himself sick to try and get out of school. Mentions again how his 'brain doesn't seem right and is always talking to him'. Them says ' it will stop when I kill myself'.

Urgent phone call to GP. Camhs referral - letter says they tried to ring but had wrong number and he would be discharged if I didn't content them within 7 days. Letter received 2 days after this time was up. Call to them. Advised to go back to GP to be re referred, which he has done.

Call to new head teacher of school. I explain all that has happened - she says she will speak to him and get some help from SN lady. Nothing heard as yet. She spoke to him and said she was also very concerned about his mental health. Mentions that he appears to have quite severe 'paranoia'. Mentions ASD too. Says she would be happy speak to any Dr's etc he may see.

But the current situation is - I have an incredibly troubled little boy who I can't seem to access any help for and o don't know what to do to stop him slipping through the net as he seems to be. And in the meantime we all too are being badly affected by his behaviour. DS one in middle of GCSE's but her study constantly interrupted. All of our sleep is disrupted by him. Outings are becoming infrequent due to his behaviour in public. I'm having to hide and lock away food, knives, salt, tablets and do on as he is so unpredictable and I fear what he will do next.

Any advice would be much appreciated, as I feel really out of my depth here yet I'm getting no help/ it is taking to long. How loud do I have to shout and who to in order to help him as I jusg don't know what to do next to try and get people to listen and to access the help he so desperately needs.

OP, this sounds really hard for you. I would suggest that you contact the head again and ask whether they would support a referral for an Education Health and Care needs assessment- but go ahead anyway and request one yourself. You address it to the Local Authority's special educational needs department: there is a good precedent on the SOS SEN website.

You might like also to contact social services and ask for an assessment as it sounds like he would qualify for a Child in Need plan.

Oh goodness, you're all going through so much at the moment! I'm still at the beginning of my own forays into the worlds on SN and school, but couldn't read your heartbreaking post without responding in some way.

It really seems as though your son needs some help and support /right now/ and I'm sure that school should be doing way more than they currently are to help him feel more secure and settled when he's there while you're waiting for referrals.

Can you call school to request an (urgent!) meeting about how you can "all work together" to meet DS's needs - ask for headteacher, CT, Senco (and anyone else involved with DS) to be there. Also call Parent Partnership (may be called something else in your area?) to ask for advice and if someone can come with you to the meeting for support.

Does DS have any support at all through school yet? A statement/EHCP or IEP, any 1-2-1 support? If not, I'd be sorely tempted to apply directly for an EHCP (rather than let school drag out any application for one themselves). From what I can tell, this might be rejected by your LA as they will first want to ensure school have done everything they can already to meet DS's needs without one (which they probably aren't!) but this might prompt some action from school/LA to put some form of support in place.

Try to follow every phone call/discussion with school up with a letter or email to create a paper trail (this will probably come in handy later).

One thing I've also found useful is to make sure everyone is updated about everything - it helps to keep everyone talking and "singing from the same hymn sheet" so to speak ;) Make a list of anyone and everyone you've had involved so far, along with their contact details. Also, keep a file and detail every phone call, letter, appointment and conversation so you can refer back to it later.

I'm sure someone much more experienced will be along to offer advice shortly, and yo might also want to post on the SN Children forum (it's a little more busy and has some wonderfully helpful regulars!).

Hang in there, you're doing a great job!

Thank you for the reply. It has been and is incredibly hard to deal with. I have no idea how I will get him to school tomorrow and that worries me. I looked at HE, but as a lone parent that is not an option as I am expected to work or my benefits would be stopped/ vastly reduced. I could ossiu reduce my hours and still teach but would have no one who could have him when I was at work.

I will certainly look into what you have suggested. An ed psychologist has been mentioned by the head, but nothing seems to be happening with anything she has mentioned ie, SN's assessment at school and she always seems to be in meetings when I ring.

I know a lot say how helpful SS can be, but have to admit I am a bit fearful of any involvement from them, you seem to hear of so many cases where an over zealous SW ends up asking for children to be removed etc. I also had bad experiences with them as a teen which doesn't help. But I will certainly consider that option if people think they could help him in any way.

What I have just realised is my user name in relation to this thread and how badly it could come across .. And i just wanted to clarify that my use of it has nothing to do with any of my children. It actually relates to something ridiculous my Dad said years ago.

But again, thanks for the support. I phoned the school a while ago to see how it went after I left and was told yet again 'he was fine'. Whilst I appreciate their attempts to reassure me, I wouldn't call over 30 minutes of yelling and screaming and an escape out of what is supposed to be a secure door 'fine' .

I also finally managed to fed through to the CAMHS place, and spoke to a very helpful woman who actually seemed to listen and take me seriously for once. She said someone will phone me with an appointment soon. I just hope it actually happens and that I haven't been fobbed off again.

I couldn't read and run either, I just wanted to say you're doing everything you possibly can. We are here for support. I'm just sorry I can't think of anything else to add for you to do. You're doing a wonderful job.

I have nothing useful to add but wanted to say I know how you feel leaving him screaming at school. It is awful to have to do that and it breaks your heart.

You are doing the best you can, keep on at the school and other services too.

Oh and I second the "Explosive child" book! Its awesome

Good luck

Sorry you're having such a hard time. Just wanted to say I shared your fears about social services but when they became involved with my DD (12) after she mentioned and wrote about suicide at school it was a social worker who pushed through her camhs referral and within a
few weeks she's been seen twice and is being assessed for ASD. Their involvement has been very helpful in our case. Good luck.

Another who couldn't read and run.

Firstly yiu need massive hugs and recognition for leaving an abusive relationship. That's hard enough to start with.

Secondly I've heard some shocking stories about being unsupportive but

I totally agree with the suggestions of using books and following some therapies yourself. Also keeping a paper trail. Any telephone call you have email just to confirm what was discussed.

And keep posting. I've had moments where I've been at a crossroads and not sure what way to turn - the very wise posters here have guided me along a path that has worked for us.

Hello all,

I can only give a quick reply as my battery is almost flat but wanted to thank you all for your very sweet and wise replies, they've given me a much needed boost and some very helpful suggestions to look into.

Thank you all again, I will reply in more detail tomorrow when I have charged my phone

Oh my Goodness, this whole thing just keeps going from bad to worse...

Finally, at 1030 I manage to get a very reluctant DS into school today. We pull up outside and that's it- he's not going into school and that is that. Refuses to move from the front seat.

I approach the School Office and appeal for help- is there a staff member there who could perhaps help cajole him into going in ( it's worked in the past). DS is giving it the full treatment, yelling kicking etc. he gets out of the car and carries on yelling etc except now in the middle of the road. By this point ( thank God) a very nice teacher is next to me so full witness to all that is going on. A car comes along, I grab DS's arm and move him to the pavement. He very dramatically starts yelling that I have hit him ( not the first time he has said this when in full tantrum mode but luckily everytime he has said this someone else has been present and witness to it).

The teacher who had kindly come out suggests that perhaps I should leave- he will deal with DS from then on.

I then have to go to work, don't hear from the school and so assume all has settled down. I end up leaving work 10 minutes late, then get caught by temporary traffic roadworks on the way to the school pick up. As a result I am unfortunately 15 minutes late ( officially - although in reality they often do not come out until 5 minutes before I go there). I walk to the playground- they are not there- so I then walk back round to the office where the children are, apologise for being late and go to walk off. The deputy head then asks if he can have a quick word. I am then taken to a separate room and asked about DS's allegation. D Head makes it quite clear he believes my denials fully, the teacher who was present has also been asked about the incident and stated that I did nothing to DS beyond lead him by his arm onto the pavement from the Middle of the road. I am asked if I would require any 'support' though, 'safeguarding' is mentioned. A pretty pointless conversation then takes place - I try and respectfully point out that I have been trying to ask for 'support' for many years now but no one has been listening to me... Conversation ends with him saying he will speak to the head and ask her to push forward with the CAMHS referral as well as the one up see the community paediatric dept.

I then get in the car and my eldest son (11) ( they were waiting in the very busy reception area) tells me he overheard the head teacher in discussion with the deputy head discussing 'calling social services'. He clearly overheard that being said by her. That I feel is bad enough but even worse, there is a book fair on and the reception area is full of people, parent, teachers etc.

This is the second time she has been overheard information relating to my children that I feel should be confidential

( battery almost flat so am going to post to avoid losing all I've written then rant some more to finish the tale )

..... The last time was when I phoned the head and asked to speak to her regarding DS hurting his arm. During that conversation, I explained all that had happened but asked if possible not to Tell DS I had spoken to her as I had ( stupidly) reassured him that I wouldn't tell anyone that he had done that to himself ( I know now that was unwise but he was so upset and I was desperate to comfort him).

That day DS came out of school and informs me that a classmate overheard me telling the head that he had done that to himself. I rang the head, who became very defensive and said there was no way she could have been overheard, she was in her office. I did try to say that during the call I could clearly overhear children in the background where she was because I could. But she became defensive, carried on insisting that that wasn't the case and I backed down, not wanting to appear antagonistic. I even agreed with her when she suggested perhaps it was all in DS's mind, but looking back now it's clear to me she was clearly trying to get herself out of a hole to the extent of using his MH issues In that way.

I feel so upset about all of this, am sitting here in the car crying and I hardly ever cry about anything. It feels now like they are all trying to point the finger at me to cover up their own failings, and to top it all my own DS has accused me ( in temper- he agrees now I didn't do anything) of something I never did or would do. Where is this all going to end? And why won't anyone listen to me or try and help?

Thank you - I'll bare that in mind and see if I can make an appointment with the school nurse.

My main issue atm is the head teacher and the running of the school. I have lost all faith in the school. Not only have they been useless in offering any support or help during the 2 years I have been asking, the new head teacher ( the 3rd this academic year) has now twice been overheard by my children/ others speaking about very sensitive and confidential info relating to DS, and both times denied it happened at all ( the first time I could almost believe her denials but twice).

I've lost all faith in the school whatsoever and realky don't want to send either child back there tomorrow.

In relation to DS, I feel like I can't win. If I don't ensure he goes I'm threarened with a fine, if I do and a meltdown then ensues, I'm accused of hurting him.

It's like a nightmare. I wish I was in a situation to de-register and teach him myself at least until the dust settles. All these major meltdowns and the self harm are happening purely because I am having to force him to go to school. Him hurting his arm and making himself sick were done in an attempt to avoid having to go to school.

I just don't know what to do. I thought I was doing the right thing in ensuring he went to school today yet seeing as all this is the result, was I?

Thank you for the reply.

I have tried to move him school, the problem has been finding a local school that has places to accommodate him and DD2 in both years 3 and 5. Many have spaces in year 3, none I have tried have spaces in year 5, one in each is not an option as the times clash.

There aren't really any schools id like to avoid, the only one that would probably fall under that category is their current one. It was an excellent school until a long standing head left, since then it seems to have gone rapidly downhill and recently was told for a second time it had 'failed to improve' hence the new head teacher.

This evening I have been thinking that maybe the only way forward is to move DD to a different school, then reduce/ change my hours so that I am able to teach himself for a while until at least we start getting a bit of help.

But then again, the community paediatric dept say they are only willing to consider giving DS an initial appointment/ assessment with back up from the school to confirm any 'issues'.

So where on earth would home educating leave us/ him on that score.

I desperately want to help him, but I myself suffer historically quite badly with depression and can feel myself being dragged back down with all this going on. I just feel powerless to help him, or my other children as all this is affected them badly as well.

Hi all,

We're moving this thread over to our SN Children topic at the OP's request.

Ah- just seen the email and have found it.

Thank you

if you have a local carers centre I would recommend getting in touch with them. They may be able to point you in the direction of a local parents support group who will know the ins and outs of your LA's ASD pathway, local knowledge and support.
The carers centre are normally a great source of information as well.

Our LA has an ASD coordinator, thats who I would be contacting, but it all depends on whats in your LA.

You sound like your doing your best in a really difficult situation.