Upset by family - please help

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Hi everyone

Yet again I am jumping on here after a long absence because am feeling upset which makes me feel like I am just being a bit of a taker but I promise to spend more time on here and help you all out too. Life is just so hectic, I can't ever seem to catch up with myself.

I have just had a huge row with my brother (who has 2 NT kids) which has culminated in him slamming the phone down on me. My mum told me some time ago that my SIL found it hard to be around me because of DS1's SN. I was very hurt by that at the time but felt my mum would not wish me to confront my SIL so have sat on it feeling upset for about a year.

My brother (A) earlier in the week tried to organise a family day with my mum, sister (who has no kids) and other brother (B). Brother A, when he heard my other brother B (who also has 2 NT kids) wasn't coming his response was "what's the point in going at all if x and x aren't going to be there running around with my kids". He was referring to my brother's 2 NT children. I was extremely hurt by this because my kids were going to be there, and this seemed irrelevant to him. DS1 can indeed run around now although DS2 is only 10 months. We had an argument about what we should do instead, he shouted at me and I said I wasn't going and that was the end.

This morning brother A's wife (the one who made the comment)emailed my other SIL (who is lovely)and tried to persuade her to go on the day out for the kids' sakes. My SIL loyally emailed back and said she wasn't going if my kids werent' going to be there - it was about all of the children not just hers and x and x. I was really upset about this - she hadn't tried to persuade me to go, only my SIL.

My brother in the meantime phoned me to apologise for our row about the venue and I ended up telling him that my kids (who are also his kids' cousins) are obviously completely irrelevant as far as he is concerned. He said that wasn't true and I quoted what he had said the day before and ended up telling him what my mum had told me. He has again yelled at me, accusing me of making up something about my mum and his wife.

I am now really worried it will cause a rift between me and my mum. I feel I don't even care about my brother but I do care about my mum being upset with me for repeating this. But my DH thinks I had a right to repeat it and is surprised I have sat on it all this time and not told anyone including him (DH). I hadn't told DH previously because I didn't want to hurt him but DH is now also very upset and thinks that that if my SIL thinks that about DS1 everyone must do.

Have a been a complete stirrer? I feel very badly about this.

ahh but they are inconvenieced, because you're not sitting down drinking with them...

You're right Jimjams!!! I used to be a bloody good laugh in the old days, getting drunk and being silly with Brother A. In fact that's more or less what my relationship with him was based on. You may have a very good point. And DS1's antics also take everyone elses attention away from them, and brother A certainly does like to be the centre of attention.

Just spoken to younger sister and she is totally behind me as is brother B.

Yes, Meerkats, got the statement - 10 hours. It is really helping. But you know that because we have spoken!

have been following the thread and debating whether to post or not but I think the martyr idea is spot on - someone else is getting the attention. TBH i agree with jimjams I think who said that you sil would use any excuse to break off contact.

I have also come to the conclusion in our lives that we have enough to deal with and enough fights trying to be advocates for dd1 to have the very best she can that people who need too much attention and effort with minimal return are not worth it. As someone else said - they sound like vampires - sucking you dry - blaming everything on others rather then being responsible for their own actions... and having the guts to say yup I said it.

People like that do not deserve anymore time and energy. If they are not an enhancement to your life - they get put aside. You and your son have enough to battle from strangers and society at large - you don't need this kind of pathetic and selfcentred ( head up their own butt) kind of behaviour.

As to your mum - you know what was said and you know the truth. If others chose to ignore that or see it differently then I think know in your heart that you have tried to do the right thing and that they have FAILED to support you. I would not try to take it further - perhaps just let it lie and see what happens.

Thanks Eidsvold. I agree. You can take a horse to water.... I do still feel wronged but I think (hope) in time my mum will own up to having said it - even possibly having said it - and in the meantime I have lots of friends and other family members.

It is going to change my relationship with my mum and brother forever because I have lost a lot of respect for them, but the only important fight now is for DS1, who has started in the last couple of days to say "yeah" when asked a question and is now pushing himself up to standing instead of pulling himself up on the furniture. We all clapped when he did it this morning and he beamed - his face was a picture of pride. He is so so special and I love him more than words can say.

see - that is far more important than self absorbed relatives.....

Eidsvold, where abouts are you in oz? Just wondered as I have a step sister and good friend there and also my sadness is that brother B and lovely SIL are going back to Perth in 2 months, so my support network is gone, BUT I like to picture people where they are and I will be mentally in Australia for a few months I think, just to get over all of this.

Sorry if that sounded strange at all - was a few sheets to the wind!! Must lay off the vino and get more sleep...

I am in Brisbane - so the other side of Aus - Perth is a 6 hour plane flight from Brissy - and so much closer to the UK