Upset by family - please help

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Hi everyone

Yet again I am jumping on here after a long absence because am feeling upset which makes me feel like I am just being a bit of a taker but I promise to spend more time on here and help you all out too. Life is just so hectic, I can't ever seem to catch up with myself.

I have just had a huge row with my brother (who has 2 NT kids) which has culminated in him slamming the phone down on me. My mum told me some time ago that my SIL found it hard to be around me because of DS1's SN. I was very hurt by that at the time but felt my mum would not wish me to confront my SIL so have sat on it feeling upset for about a year.

My brother (A) earlier in the week tried to organise a family day with my mum, sister (who has no kids) and other brother (B). Brother A, when he heard my other brother B (who also has 2 NT kids) wasn't coming his response was "what's the point in going at all if x and x aren't going to be there running around with my kids". He was referring to my brother's 2 NT children. I was extremely hurt by this because my kids were going to be there, and this seemed irrelevant to him. DS1 can indeed run around now although DS2 is only 10 months. We had an argument about what we should do instead, he shouted at me and I said I wasn't going and that was the end.

This morning brother A's wife (the one who made the comment)emailed my other SIL (who is lovely)and tried to persuade her to go on the day out for the kids' sakes. My SIL loyally emailed back and said she wasn't going if my kids werent' going to be there - it was about all of the children not just hers and x and x. I was really upset about this - she hadn't tried to persuade me to go, only my SIL.

My brother in the meantime phoned me to apologise for our row about the venue and I ended up telling him that my kids (who are also his kids' cousins) are obviously completely irrelevant as far as he is concerned. He said that wasn't true and I quoted what he had said the day before and ended up telling him what my mum had told me. He has again yelled at me, accusing me of making up something about my mum and his wife.

I am now really worried it will cause a rift between me and my mum. I feel I don't even care about my brother but I do care about my mum being upset with me for repeating this. But my DH thinks I had a right to repeat it and is surprised I have sat on it all this time and not told anyone including him (DH). I hadn't told DH previously because I didn't want to hurt him but DH is now also very upset and thinks that that if my SIL thinks that about DS1 everyone must do.

Have a been a complete stirrer? I feel very badly about this.

Enjoy your grolsch moment!

My mum has just rung and asked me exactly what she said and when. We have agreed that something was said but that it got mixed somewhere between her mouth and my ears. I know exactly what was said and my memory is better than hers but I don't want any more upset. I will just be very careful in future in dealings with them all.

As for my brother, I am still angry and I think what he said and the email my SIL sent pretty much tell the story of how they feel. Any tips on how to be friendly and not have to have a conversation about when we are going to see each other next?

I am sorry to keep going on about this and for the long post but I am totally shocked and stunned, I feel I am at a place I have never been before and don't know where to go from here. I have just received a really abusive email from my SIL (the nasty one) saying that I am an out and out liar and she can't believe that I have dragged her name through the mud and my mums and that she never wants to see me again.

The last time I spoke to my mum she was acting confused about what I could possibly have heard and misinterpreted and we kind of fixed things by agreeing that my SIL's words had got lost in translation somehow (even though I remember what she said). She told me that she was going to speak to my brother straight away and sort things out. It was all quite friendly and we were going to see each other this weekend.

After I received this email from SIL tonight I rang my mum and asked her very calmly how the conversation with my brother had gone, because I had now receieved this rant of an email from my SIL accusing me of being a liar. My mum said "I'm not surprised" and said that she hadn't said anything and I am a liar. This is so absolutely unlike anything my mum has ever said to me before - I almost can't believe I wasn't talking to an alien instead of her. She has never been deliberately hurtful before to me but has clearly decided to preserve her relationship with my brother and his wife over her relationship with me.

I have just phoned my best friend and she said that she has known me for 15 years and knew that I would never make something up like this. She is as stunned as I am. I have lost my brother and my mum, but there is nothing I can do because I know what my mum told me.

We have always been a close family - or I thought we were. But I don't think this can be mended. I feel so aggrieved that I have come out of this the wrong one and don't know how I am going to deal with losing my mum.

!!! you poor thing...i would be very very upset by this...actually even just by the first bit ..feeling excluded..second rate ...(i sometimes feel like this with my siblings and their kids)

im speechless with regard to your 'never wnat to see you again'SIL..sounds like a bit of distance from her might be in order...what a stupid heartless thing to say!

and as for your mum...im just so sorry that you are having to go through this xx

Thank you so much beansontoast. This has been going on nearly a week, I have developed scabs on my arms, lost 5lb in weight (could afford to lose that!) and have slept an average of about 4 hours a night since this started. I just don't think I can take anymore. I don't want to become a victim but am just feeling a bit fragile at the mo, and have a teething baby and work in the morning...just want to know I am not alone.

PS DH is very diplomatically staying completely out of it. He has said in the past that my mum is high maintenace and has a lot to say about other people and I have got mad at him. Now he is free to have a pop he won't!!!

night night pages...sleep tight,dont let the bugs bite...i dont know what to say to help you feel less shit about all this..it must really hurt alot.

we are all in your corner here,you are not alone...keep posting xxx

Bless you Beans. You all don't know how much difference you have made to an insomniac desperate for reassurance! Weird, but I taped a drama on TV this week called "The Kindness of Strangers" and haven't watched it yet. It's probably some psycho killer thing but anyway, the title is pretty relevant to me tonight. Sorry for being gushy.

Oh dear Pages. I would ignore the nasty email from nasty SIL. Say to your mum that you don't want to fall out with her and you don't want to talk about this incident any more as it won't get anyone anywhere (i.e. you won't agree!). I would then try to work around and ignore the brother and SIL who are horrid. What a bunch of insensitive and mean gits

God pages I missed the update. TBH I would keep really quiet. They'll know between them that you're not the liar (perhaps trying to keep your brotehr and nice SIL and brother off their backs) so I'd say nothing, and wait for them to grow up. Your mum will- and your SIL sounds like not much of a loss anyway.

Thanks all of you. I am going to do just that and stay silent. My(nice)brother just emailed me and told me he has always thought the other SIL was a nasty person and this confirms it. He told me to keep strong. Really chuffed that he and nice SIL have been so supportive of me. My mum and I will probably resolve things in time.

My DH just told me he worked with a man today who has 3 family members with AS, and he was saying how desparate and hard he finds his life. DH told him a bit about our DS. He just said to me that my SIL lives in a different golden little world to us and people living with disability and that her little outburst makes her completely trivial. It is indeed no loss if we never see her again.

Did you see the documentary film that Davros linked to Pages. If not it's \link{http://www.autismspeaks.org/video/index.php\here} You have to scroll down to our community and its the first film- 13 mins long- autism every day.

Everything the mothers say in the film strikes a chord with me but I am particularly fond of the "people have no idea, no idea" lines.

I'm glad you have a lovely brother and SIL though! :)

(DH's bil is similar to your crap SIL btw- he wanted to take dh's nephew to the zoo- we said we couldn't go because of ds1 (there weren't enough capable people to handle all the kids including ds1 because I had to work so dh would have had our 3 alone- not safe) and he said"can't you leave him somewhere?" !!!!!!! errr no! ) He sulked for the rest of the day. (I didn't really notice because he can hardly bear to talk to me anyway).

God, how insensitive. Just goes to show there are a lot of people out there who just do not know they are born. I spoke to a woman at work today for the first time about her disability. Tbh she doesn't normally work in my building but is at the moment because the lift is broken in the other building so I haven't ignored her, just haven't really seen her that often. She is crippled with rheumatoid arthritis, has been most of her life. Her 80 year old mother is her carer and now has arthritis herself so can do less and less. She told me the true extent of her disability and she can barely walk, hold on to bits of paper, and one arm is constantly stuck in the same position. She wears long skirts because her legs are so gnarled and twisted up. She is in pain all the time. She had tears in her eyes as she told me, you just have to keep going don't you. And her

I feel like since I had Ds1 I've finally woken up and entered the real world.

Sorry meant to say that her dad had alzeimers, sister died of cancer, the whole family has just had it so rough.

Yes I know what you mean. But it's also isolating, because I don't think you can ever fully be a member of the other world again.

pages, sorry I have been lurking but since Jimjams last post I feel I have to say Hi and let you know how wonderful you sound.
I believe that the family and so called friends who act like this are aware of their own pathetic weakness. That makes them angry, embarrassed and uncomfortable with the truth.
Often I find it doesn't really matter who said what but when people really care they can put it behind them and see that there may have been a misunderstanding on someone or everyones part.
People who really care will ask you for help overcoming any difficulties they might have with understanding "how to be" with a SN child.
Flipping hell if they think they find it hard , they should try being you and more importantly your darling child. GRRRRR
They are angry because they feel like pratts!!! I think......
Jimjams,your words about the other world were so moving. You are so right.
I don't like it but it is true.
Sometimes when dd is in residential care (which is often due to her harming the baby) I experience what life is like ...a bit. Then I realise that she is walking beside me (metaphorically) and I havent actually left her world at all. My mind is still in her world.
The other side of the road might as well have an electric fence around it. iykwim.
Anyway that is enough of my mumbo jumbo
lots of love to you all.
xxx

oh giddy you're making me cry. We're off on holiday today- leaving ds1 behind, but taking the other 2- my parents are moving into our house to look after ds1- and although I know it's right, it feels wrong. I'll spend the week looking and acting normal and yet the whole time will feel fake and unreal. It feels like acting, or like having to be terribly polite- fixed pretend smile. All ridiculous of course, but I think it stems from that other "normal" world not being my world anymore.

Pages I think giddy is right, they're angry because they know they're wrong.

It sounds as though nasty SIL was just looking for an excuse to say she never wanted to see you again. This way she can convince herself that she's some kind of hard-done-by martyr too.

:( Jimjams. I hope the holiday goes as well as it possibly can under the circumstances. xxx

Oh Giddy, you made me cry too! Thanks so much for your kind words.

Jimjams, I know what you mean but try to have a good holiday, you so need and deserve the break and your lovely boy will be fine without you.

You are absolutely right Coppertop, my DH and I had drawn the same comclusion.

oh god not the martyr act. "oh the children's cousin had special needs and was so scary for my precious ones, we just had to do something, of course they're all terribly upset but oh I have to put my children first, even though I can of course see how upsetting it is, but my responsibility is to my children"

Bleurgh. Save me from martyrs please. Just tell the truth. "Can't deal with SN, makes me feel uncomfortable, bit too much like hard work, can't read the paper and have a gossip, or go wherever we want to, my children have to come 2nd for 2 minutes to work around the SN so can't be bothered"

Jimjams.
I remember how hard last years holiday was for you and I am sooooooooo never having the holiday we had with dd again (you may not remember but we had just had dd2 and went away in a static caravan by the sea..DD1 dissapeared . I have never been so scared)
I hope it is a good break away. There is a very important issue here that your boy is having to cope with someone else looking after him.That is actually a very vital and important thing to do regardless of the fact that its for the purpose of you having a holiday. Our children need to know how to cope without us and that its O.K
Of course our family need us too don't they. blah blah blah sorry for the essay
Pages,
I think you have to short list thing that are going to make your life easier and the same applies to things , people etc that make it harder. If anyone or anything make it harder then discard it!!!!
Getting on in life requires a lot of determination,honesty (with yourself mostly) patience and humour.You most deffinately sound like you have all of those qualities.
I hope you feel better .
lots of love
xxx

Yup, oh but also, nasty SIL and brother A are into fashion big time, they are real image freaks, both bordering on anorexic, they run their own business selling clothes, and a friend described them as the best dressed couple in London. DH thinks that it is more of an image thing. And they are both just into themselves and what they want.

Quite frankly they have never had any inconvenience from my son, they have always just sat there at family meals getting drunk while their kids play nicely and nice brother and SIL and me and DH take turns chasing/ entertaining/ calming DS1.

Yup, oh but also, nasty SIL and brother A are into fashion big time, they are real image freaks, both bordering on anorexic, they run their own business selling clothes, and a friend described them as the best dressed couple in London. DH thinks that it is more of an image thing. And they are both just into themselves and what they want.

Quite frankly they have never had any inconvenience from my son, they have always just sat there at family meals getting drunk while their kids play nicely and nice brother and SIL and me and DH take turns chasing/ entertaining/ calming DS1.

Thanks Giddy, and I realise that now. I just feel so aggrieved that SIL has got away with driving a wedge between me and my family and will at this moment be justifying it to herself, like you say.

Sorry if anyone else is into fashion, nothing wrong with that - it's just the underlying issue with them that makes us believe that me, DH and Ds1 are "not their kind of people" so that's why it is so convenient for them to cut us off.

People who are only into themselves will find any excuse to cut anyone out of their lives that do not "fit in" with their own. Many (but not all) fashionistas are by their very nature very shallow.

Anyway pages, not having them in your lives would to me be a good thing overall. You don't need vampires - people who drain you emotionally. They are SO not worth your time and effort.

On a different note now did you get the Statement for DS1?.

With best wishes

Attila x