I can't do this any more. My child is awful.

[GrownUp2012]

Just woken up to my DD (3.5) laughing and playing, so got up to put her back to bed (she wakes frequently) and found her with one of the rabbits on her bed. She was playing with him, which roughly translates as hitting him for a reaction. He was very distressed so I removed him and she followed me shouting at me, climbed over behind the sofa and was screaming that she wouldn't go to bed. I've settled the rabbit, and will have him at the vets first thing, but it took me twenty minutes and my DP getting up and taking over to get her into bed. She had a massive meltdown and was screaming, kicking and telling me she hated me. I admit I wasn't calm, but I have reached my limit.

She has never slept properly and takes the opportunity to get up and do things she shouldn't. I am currently in talks with her school because she is hurting children at school, mostly biting them, but also pinching and hitting. I've been trying to convince the HV that there is something that she needs support and help with since she was about one years old. Her teacher has finally seen it, and has noted the worsening in behaviour with lack of sleep, and asked if she has been referred. HV has once again postponed me with a group to attend and an appointment in late March to see if it has helped. Short of seeing a doctor and telling them I don't know what to do anymore I'm stuck.

I've been advised locking her in her room is illegal, I did do this for a while and her sleep improved, but on being informed I have stopped. We have door handles on upside down and out of her reach but she must have climbed up this evening on something. I am going to have to fit a lock to downstairs today.

I'm ill at the moment, on a medication changeover and in crisis with my mental health due to what I think is a bad reaction to medication, but this has been relatively well hidden from her.

I just don't know what to do any more, can I call social services for myself? Will they support me? How do I help a child with behavioural problems when I can't get people to listen?

I think I am going to have a breakdown of some sorts because I cannot handle dealing with this any more.

Ah bless you!

I'm probably not going to be much use at this time of night to be honest. Has she calmed down now though? If so, I'd try and get some more sleep if I were you and you should feel calmer and more able to think things through tomorrow.

I'm fairly certain it's not illegal to lock a childs bedroom door. Although, it wouldn't be advisable for a number of reasons (eg house fires...). I've seen Child Protection cases where a child has a lock on the outside of their bedroom door (used by parents) and although it's not deemed something which SW's would recommend or agree with, it's also not something they act upon - unless of course it's combined with a number of other CP issues, if that makes sense?

Could you ask her teacher if school can make any referals?

I think for her age, the HV is the way to go. Can you keep getting on to them and pestering them? I know you shouldn't have to but sometimes it seems you don't get heard unless you shout, unfortunately.

Are you receiving any support for your mental health issues?

Hopefully someone will be along shortly with some better advice. Please do try to get some more sleep though. Tomorrow will feel much better if you've slept.

Poor you. You sound at the end of your teather.

My standard answer in these cases is have you looked at her diet? It's amazing how much can be caused by undiagnosed allergies and intolerances. Is that something you feel might be worth perusing?

Hi grown up - just seen your post and wanted to offer some moral support (my DD woke us up about 40 mins ago hence why I am awake).

My DD is only 1.8 so I can't offer much in the way of practical support, but I would def see your doctor asap for sources of help / referral rather than the midwife given how flakey she sounds.

Are you getting any support for your mental health and would they we another source of help / support with DD - they might be able to suggest or refer you to some other services.

Also, friends/family if you have them locally or mumsnet - when DD was born I struggled quite a lot in the early months and it really helped to realise I wasn't the only one and to have people I could speak to.

Take care

I was told by the children's centre staff that it was against the law and that they consider it child abuse, I'd only done it in a last effort because she'd gotten up and stabbed her step-brother with a pencil as he slept. Were they lying to me?

I wouldn't consider myself a bad parent or any risk to my children, I cried for days after they told me that because I am coming to terms with childhood abuse myself and have traumatic memories of being locked in my room when dad was drunk, but I thought if it were for her safety and that of others it had to be okay.

I try really hard to keep things calm and stable at home, routines and predictability, and she's like this.

I'm going to see a doctor again in the morning myself. I've tried to speak four times to doctors or mental health people about it and am obviously not communicating with talking very well. I will write it down this time.

I am considering a doctors appointment for her too. Could I make one for her without her being there so I can talk about her?

Yes silentboob, have had a very close look at her diet as she has had allergic reactions to things. She has chronic rhinitis and has done since I weaned her from the breast at 13 months, so I tried her dairy free for a while, and kept anything she has reacted to previously out of her diet, however she has had skin prick testing and shown no signs of any reactions to all of the things I though she was allergic to, not even strawberries which she had a massive hives reaction to in the summer.

She'll have the occasional breakout of hives, usually set off by changes in washing powder I think, but I reintroduced all the stuff I had stopped her having on the advice of the doctor and she's no different whether she has it or not, I keep a diary of these things.

Oh it sounds as though you have investigated that avenue. At the risk of teaching my grandmother to suck eggs - how about a delayed allergy? My son doesn't show up as particularly allergic to milk on the tests, however the tangible difference in his health and temperament when dairy is excluded from his diet is unarguable. They can show me as many numbers on pieces of paper as they like - all I know is that when he's off dairy he's a sweet, happy boy and when he's on dairy he is a hell monster who never sleeps and is in fairly constant pain.

Yes, definitely make another appointment and write it all down. Keep on plugging away until you find someone sympathetic and helpful.

How old is she?

Oh sorry, you said in your OP. 3.5.

The doctor did mention a delayed allergy. I guess I was more focused on physical symptoms that behavioural when reintroducing food. I think I will raise it with her GP when I ask for advice. I need help with her not sleeping, especially since she does such dangerous things when she isn't supervised, and anything that could be causing the sleeplessness is important.

She had a lot of night coughing before I got her inhalers, she has them the minute she has a snivel or cough and is on her blue and brown at the moment, and I always thought the rhinitis would be affecting how deeply she slept since it means she has to breath through her mouth.

I feel terrible because sometimes I just want to walk away from it, especially when my health isn't so good.

No, it's awful. It's so bloody relentless. And no one really gets how bloody exhausting it is because you just know there is something wrong but you can't work it out or fix it. Physically, emotionally and mentally draining.

Don't feel terrible. You'll get there. You're not giving up and you'll get there, wherever 'there' is.

I just want her to be happy, and it's so hard to see her hurting others knowing that she's going to eventually hurt herself through it by losing friends. I just can't believe that she is deliberately mean, it hurts me to even consider it, so there must be something up that I can fix for her.

I would see your GP and ask for a referral to a paediatrician. I'm mum to 3 DC with ADHD, and your DD's lack of sleep and acting out behaviours really struck a chord with me. If you tell the GP that these behaviours are being noticed at school and described as out of the ordinary, he or she should take it more seriously. Don't let them fob you off as there will be a waiting list anyway to see a specialist.

You need to go and see your GP, when you go today ask him what their policy is. My GP told me to make an appointment in ds's name so she had his notes. I did this and my ds waited in reception and then she spoke to him for a few minutes as well and referred us to get help. Good luck

Hi OP.

Just wanted to express sympathy and support. My DS had a terrible time at nursery and school, being aggressive at very little provocation. I know how hard it is when everything seems both relentless and inexplicable.

I'd advise getting every professional onside at an early stage and second the advice to go to your GP. They can refer you to a paediatrician. Yes you can speak to GP alone just do as the earlier poster advised, make appt in your DD's name.

I assume she is attending a nursery attached to a school? Maybe the school's learning support team could step in to advise? They can bring in an educational psychologist and/or occupational therapist if needed. (That probably sounds dramatic but if it's not appropriate now, then it might be if the problems persist.) Learning support have been working with my DS since nursery and it's been great having that continuity.

Speaking from my own experience things improved as DS got older and was able to better understand reason and consequences. This probably doesn't help you now, but for the sake of your own sanity, remember to take the long view :)

Hello.

I have no experience myself but you sound at your wits end and i wanted to offer some support. I hope you get some answers from the drs. Good lukc.

I would agree with Nun - your daughter's behaviour could be ADHD. You may need to push for an appropriate referral, not all GPs are fully aware of the range of symptoms or the severity that they can be experienced in.

Can I be another one to suggest going to the GP for a referral to a Paediatrician for this. My ds is 7 soon and has been violent, erratic and pretty bonkers since he was a baby. He is being assessed for ASD for the second time this time we seem to be getting somewhere. Not saying this is what's going on with your dd btw. I would also suggest that you keep a diary of her behaviour (any triggers etc) to take with you to any appointment. You may start to see a pattern or at the very least you will look more calm and assured to any 'professionals' who may wish to infer parenting as the cause.

Sympathies to the rabbit, ds does similar to the cat

I was told by someone at CAHMS that they are not allowed to condone locking doors but will turn a blind eye if it is a question of safety - just don't tell them you're doing it

Def see your GP - hope they are useful.

Does she have salbutamol (blue) inhaler a lot - it can make children v agitated / hyperactive?

Oh I do feel for you. You must be feeling at the end of your teather. I agree with others about seeing your gp. Go with a list of her recent behaviour and tell him her teacher is also concerned. I would also mention the Hv but tell him you cannot wait until march for an appointment.
I would emphasis the fact she is getting up in the night and hurting others

Good luck.

Grown up as you mentioned your childrens center yourself I assume that you go there? Ask their help often they can aid you with at least a referral to a sleep unit.

I would go to the gp and ask for a referral As it is the HV will no longer have anything to do with her when she turns 5 so if HV says anything you can simply say it seemed simpler as she would not be working with you once dd is over 5 to have it all dealt with via the GP.

I would also make sure you get some support. Again ask the children center.

good luck and you are not a bad mum if you were you would not be here that early in the morning asking for help.

No, I limit blue to only when she is coughing a lot and can't stop. Usually she has it at night when she has a upper respiratory thingie going on, the brown is to be used at first sign of that and is used regularly throughout, whereas the blue is more of an as and when thing. Does that make sense?

I am going to call my mum, then the doctors and make a joint appointment so I can see them for DD and for me. I self harmed on Monday night, not intentionally, I just whacked myself over the head to try and stop myself exploding, too much emotional noise going on, and I have felt like doing it again. I have found a lump on my head with broken skin in the shower this morning, so I think I need to... excuse the terrible pun, because I can still find humour in this bleak situation... knock this mental health blip on the head. Because I am literally at the point of banging my head on a brick wall.

Gawd that sounds mad to read back. I'm so tired now I feel sick, didn't get to bed until after 1:30am and then was up again by 3:30 rescuing rabbits and trying not to have a fight with my DP whilst he was telling me that it's obviously an attention thing, try going to the park after school. Not to be funny, but I sit and play with my children, I talk to them all the time and I plan activities for them like making and the like, it felt a bit like a criticism that I don't spend enough time giving her attention when actually I've raised her on my own from birth until six months ago, breastfed and co-slept and babywore when she was little, and had the majority of weekends on my own with her, hardly having left her anywhere overnight her whole life, how can I give her any more of me? Perhaps I do seclude myself a bit when I am a bit doolally, but that's me trying to do everyone a favour.

I would ask both the GP and the nursery (?) to refer her to a paediatrician asap. This behaviour is extreme and your family needs help. A full investigation followed by a proper diagnosis will at least help you have some strategies.

Double check your inhaler advice at the GPs. I thought it was the other way round.

Can I just say, please put the rabbits where your DD can't get at them in future.

Brown (atrovent) is to be used regularly, blue (salbutamol) is a reliever of acute symptoms - OP is correct.