Worried about ds2 and nobody coming to his birthday- advice please?

[Peachy]

OK this one needs some background so:

I have my older 2 boys aged 9 and 11 in the local MS Primary.

DS1 has ASD and used to be the playground bully; after 3 years of fighting we managed to get the school (LEA had always been willing really) to agree to lunchtime supervision but I think it was too late. DS1 intimidates people- heck, knowing he's in a mood and dh won;t be here after school I am intimdated. He has no remorese if he hits and dismisses it entirely as not his fault. I think school have enabled thhis behaviour tbh. he is a high achiever thre as long as he has a TA close- vice captain of house, chair of school council etc. In September we have secured him a palce at a specilaist ASD Base where he can access mainstream work in a specilaist environment.
DS2 goes to local comp next year; there are 13 months between them.
DS2 is a socianble, likeable cheeky chappy- class clown. Not academic but the sort of small boy who delights in running around with a sea slug in his hand or a pocket of beetles. He was on SEN register for 6 months but school removed him: wrongly and I amde that clear but a new head came in and all sorts of support vanished overnight, and there's no other school local enough.

We tried to get sibling support but that is accessed via young carers and he would be 16 before there was a aplce apparently: he does go cubs for some separate social life.

So, it is ds2's 10th birthday Monday; pparty duly booked an d paid for, bowling. DS2 is happily storing party bags on his bedrrom table all made up, cake chosen.

And not one child will come. DS1 considers each a success and has amde it clear that he hs intimidated everyone invited. DS2 had a lvoely friend he was really close to but it got to the stage that he shook just knocking on the door so his Mum had to pull him from the friendship.

What the hell do I do? I don;t want to wreck ds2's tenth birthday. Family can't come (iunderstandably, hugely important exams. We don;t have the spare cash to just cancel, write off the cost of the paid for party and do something else- who does these days?

If I feel like crying how the heck do I manage this without him losing yet another important thing to ASD and ds1's behaviour? becuase this sort of thing happens a lot, it's a small place to live and everyone nows.

peachy have no clue how to advise you but bumping so someone else might see this and advise you.
I know it's horrid but is it possible for you to leave DS1 with someone else and make it clear to the other children he won't be there?
Good luck x

Blimey, that's horrible for you. Could you insist that DS1 phones the friends of DS2 that he intimidated and asks them to the party.
Otherwise, you phone the invitees and assure them you will leave DS1 at home.

I don;t have anyone to leave ds1 with; DH might be there, might not depending on work demands (self employed) and parents care for Grandad on a Sunday.

The kids won;t come; their aprents walk around the block to avoid passing our house some days. I did hope that the whole TA thing would have changed things a little but it seems ds1 can be pretty controlling with a stare and and a non verbal threat and still does all that.

Is it better to cncel the aprty, and go without, or go ahead? it's booked for 8 minimum, we have 4 ds's so not a tiny group but all the time ds2 will know that there's an empty alley there won't he?

Oooh yuck - this is awful!

I don't know what to advise, but I just wanted you to know I had read this.

If there is any way of salvaging this situation, then your ds1 will have to stay at home. You can't allow him to destroy his brother's social occasion like this. I would try what the others suggested - ring round and assure people that your oldest will not be there.

If your dh is self employed and has to work is there no way he can take your ds1 to work with him?

I think it's really important that he does tbh.

Could you leave the eldest alone for a couple of hours? I know I could do this with my DD, but she will follow instructions and wouldn't do anything too dangerous.

McHobbes has made a good point. Alternatively, someone older from the school, would they be willing (for money) to stay with the older boy.
I just think it's really unfair that your younger son's birthday is going to be ruined.

Oh Peachy - don't blame you for feeling like crying. Can you phone up the parents of 2 or 3 of ds2's friends and talk it through with them?

I agree if there's any way you can get someone else to look after ds1 for the time of the party, that would be better, so that the other kids know hewon't be there.

But that's a really tough one and I'm sorry you're having to go through it.

Does ds1 have any friends he can go to for the time of the party - or say he can have a friend there to distract him?

It is incredibly unfair, we know this.

DS1 has to be supervised by an adult at all times: he gets HR DLA becuase of this. And tbh that would only delay things- he has a tendency to store grudges and respond with aggression a day, week, once a year later. At 3am or walking down the road.

Am going to talk to school i think; another offshoot of this is that a child who has bullied ds2 on and off (possibly as a show of anti ds1 strength) has reappeared gain: normally ds2 tells us and we deal with via school, this time though he seems to have decided the smashed lunches and taunting is worth it to have mate

He's acting like an abused wife isn't he?

have I let him down?

oh Peachy

my instinct would be to ask ds2 what he wants - whether he would rather go ahead or not. And tell him you are very sorry and life's a bitch and give him an extra present or small treat because of it (not something big, just as an acknowledgement IYSWIM).

but of course I don't know your ds2 and whether he has the maturity to understand.
and if you have party bags made up I would give them to the invitees at school even though they have said they can't come. As a sort of acknowledgement of 'yes you are DS2's friend; I understand your reasons for not being able to come and don't hold it against you.'

I suppose there aren't any MNers in the area with nice children they can lend.....?

We did invite ne of ds1's friends but she declined; I have approached another to see if they can make it, short notice but his mum adores ds1 (he can be very charming) so fingers crossed on that one.

I ahve also asked school for any alternative kids i can invite that ds2 is friendly with but not enough to have alerted ds1 to it.

We're going out tom orrow to get him a gift and we have let ds2 have a fish tank (he's fish mad) so it won't be a complete write off but it's just such a shame. DS2 has such potential and he really is growing up accepting abuse in exchange for friendship. It's probably in part our fault as we have been so busy fighting for the school for ds1 (in part becuase of ds2) and asd ds3's needs that ds2's social life probably hasn;t been managed so well.

Seriously mate - you cannot allow this to continue. Personally speaking, I am a very open minded and laid back person, and could never be accused of neurotic mothering at all....but there's no way on earth I would send my kid off to a party to be bullied and intimidated by the birthday kid's notoriously aggressive brother. I can't bear bullies and won't entertain them for a second.

On the little you have said, it does sound as thogh your younger lad is suffering because of his brother....and no amount of support at school is going to change that. YOU have to be the one to put a stop to your lad's bad behaviour - you and your dh.

You seem to be a little frightened of him yourself?

Please don't be so unkind to yourself. If you have let him down it is through no fault of your own.
I really can't see any other way out of this.
Have you looked into employing a carer for the afternoon? Both DH and I have worked as care assistants for an agency. Even if it does cost you a few quid, I think you owe it to your younger DS to have a lovely party.

There aren't many MN posters here sadly, shame though.

Luckily the comp he will go to in 2012 takes kids from several feeder school who will never have met ds1 (as ds1 has some mild sen if ds1 had gone there they'd have even shared an SEN room- argh!) so we've been clinging on to that a little. As has ds2.

DS2 is quite amture, if the other kids are a no go i will ask him what he wants to do with the party bags: if it's keep them and eat all the sweets heck go for it kiddo.

Again, McHobbes has hit the nail on the head.
Are you scared of your older son?

Sorry - that is to say the support at school will have its place - of course! But that this problem runs beyond the school gates and will continue to do so if you are not able to address it.

Your older son sounds like a lot of hard work, and it must be hard when you love him so. I do sympathise with you.

What about SS - could they be of any use?

I don't know what to suggest.
I agree it is awful and unfair to you all.

I do think DS1 must be excluded, publicly and visibly, as the others are so afraid of him.

I really think your DS2 would gain from changing schools if at all possible, so that his peers do not know DS1.

What are your long-term plans? If you are afraid of him at 11, I am worried at what is coming up .

I think you need more support, including a safe place you can leave him if necessary, and you should plan now. What if it was a hospital stay for instance?

I think you need to explain the situation to him and ask him what he wants to do.

Is there no way your DH can have the day off (or even just a few hours) to stay with DS1 during the party?

Peachy - not sure what your dh does but if he's self employed is there any chance he could take the time off when the party is, and take ds1 out somewhere while the party takes place?

If you get an arrangement in place and phone some of ds2's friends' parents, do you think they might agree to them coming?

Or cancel the party but arrange a time when dh can take ds1 somewhere and have a load of ds2's friends round for tea?

I am scared of him yes, he doesn't hit me as much s he did but from time to time. He's kncocked me out before. He used to be OK when DH here (DH works largely from home as well as being in Uni) but thumped DH in the street about a year ago: DH (rightly IMO) clamly put ds1 over his shoulder and carried him home but some aprents kicked off that dh was wrong and I think that empowered ds1 IYKWIM? he has zero guilt and a huge sense of entitlement combined with his ASD inability to understand social stuff- I recently read something about a small percentage of AS kids being very machiavelian: that's him. He's in charge.

I don;t clame the other parents- when I have known a aprticualr child to be under risk I have approached the school and parents to help, and forced reviews. But at school not sure what else I can do? they say he never gets any time to do anything now but ds1 laughs and says that's what they think, and ds2 reports the TAs take extended lunch breaks when on DS1 duty or vanish chatting. I offered to bring him home at lunchtime but school didn;t like that idea- and in truth as they only get 45 minutes it is hard to get there, bring him back, feed him and return him.

peachy being a bit emotionally manipulative about the whole thing, it might work to your DS2's advantage to give the party bags to his friends as suggested by seth

also if you're just going to lose your ££ then why not just make it a family party if no-one else is coming? your DS2 still deserves to have fun at a bowling alley!

if the party is a no-go for DS2's friends - would you be in a position where you would be able to invite some of these children round for an after school tea 'n' play to see DS2's fish - but when DS1 isn't about?

don't beat yourself up - sounds like you're doing the best you can for your DCs!

x-post with dotty

I have worked with TAs who 'vanished chatting' and I think that is very likely true, and needs addressing by the school.

They must sort that, not you. You can't deal with everything; you are not there.

It sounds so hard for you.

Long term- we fully expect ds1 to lose DLA in 2013 as he is one of the kids who look completely NT and he can talk a good tank. School and Psych will back us up (he has an eating disorder) but ATOS (who will do teh DLA assessments) don;t really use paperwork, only theoir interviews.

Social Services won;t give us any input at all; ds3 goes to a school hols club organsied by LEA and SSD inpartnership but we had to pull DS1 as ds2 reported he was fidning ways of hurting other kids- his allocated 1-1 never amde herself known and they mix NT and SN kids in the clubs. We have a meeting with them soon to as they want to find somoeone to help supervise him that is knowledgeable, but tbh I am knwledgeable- I finished all teh AS Ma components now- yet I can only stop anything via constant 1-1.

DS1 is especially angry ATM as we refused to let him go on the yr6 residential, which his TA has gone on with another class this week. His TA kept telling him how much fun he;d have even though she knew we didn;t want him to go so I get why he is angry but we couldn't could we?

DS2 will be in a different school from September: i;d like him to change now but ATM we have ds1 to take to local, ds3 being picked up some time between 8.30 and 8.45 by SNU taxi each day and the next enarest school is a fair trek away. DH is in Uni for 9 most days so limited amount he cna do to help with that.

Not much to add, other posters have said it all really but if it is a no goer this time can you rearrange for a time that DH could help? I think it would be good for DS2s self esteem and sense of worth that you do this for him, otherwise (and I know you know this already :) ) you are feeding him the message that 'bullies' get their own way and it is ok to tolerate 'abuse'. I feel for you it can't be easy when you love your children so much :(

Feel free to ignore, I'm no expert by any means :)