Worried about ds2 and nobody coming to his birthday- advice please?

[Peachy]

OK this one needs some background so:

I have my older 2 boys aged 9 and 11 in the local MS Primary.

DS1 has ASD and used to be the playground bully; after 3 years of fighting we managed to get the school (LEA had always been willing really) to agree to lunchtime supervision but I think it was too late. DS1 intimidates people- heck, knowing he's in a mood and dh won;t be here after school I am intimdated. He has no remorese if he hits and dismisses it entirely as not his fault. I think school have enabled thhis behaviour tbh. he is a high achiever thre as long as he has a TA close- vice captain of house, chair of school council etc. In September we have secured him a palce at a specilaist ASD Base where he can access mainstream work in a specilaist environment.
DS2 goes to local comp next year; there are 13 months between them.
DS2 is a socianble, likeable cheeky chappy- class clown. Not academic but the sort of small boy who delights in running around with a sea slug in his hand or a pocket of beetles. He was on SEN register for 6 months but school removed him: wrongly and I amde that clear but a new head came in and all sorts of support vanished overnight, and there's no other school local enough.

We tried to get sibling support but that is accessed via young carers and he would be 16 before there was a aplce apparently: he does go cubs for some separate social life.

So, it is ds2's 10th birthday Monday; pparty duly booked an d paid for, bowling. DS2 is happily storing party bags on his bedrrom table all made up, cake chosen.

And not one child will come. DS1 considers each a success and has amde it clear that he hs intimidated everyone invited. DS2 had a lvoely friend he was really close to but it got to the stage that he shook just knocking on the door so his Mum had to pull him from the friendship.

What the hell do I do? I don;t want to wreck ds2's tenth birthday. Family can't come (iunderstandably, hugely important exams. We don;t have the spare cash to just cancel, write off the cost of the paid for party and do something else- who does these days?

If I feel like crying how the heck do I manage this without him losing yet another important thing to ASD and ds1's behaviour? becuase this sort of thing happens a lot, it's a small place to live and everyone nows.

I don't want ot say too much here - as it is up to Peachy what she wants said on this, obviously - but fromwhat I understand of the situation, Peachy has shown desperation.

no help received.

Jeez I dunno.

I really don't know what I can sensibly suggest.

Thank you SF: I an understand why it would look this way though. FWIW I have 4 children, 2 with ASD yet only one behaves in this manner- I an;t define what constitutes being an expert on ASD itself but I doubt I am far off. i;;ve begged SSD, spoken to Psychs- I get reports stating I am very knowledgeable and no further input is required. I ask them what will happen to ds1; they say prison or prime minister. I agree.

There doesn;t seem to be any help for ds2 out there- no sibling groups or anything. I have asked. DH takes him out alone on alternative Sundays and he has a network of adult friends via a hobby he shares with us, which I hope will stand him in good stead. He hs cubs. We are in the process of making a bedroom just for him (invovles moving ds3 into the dining room and DH and I giving up our own space- whcih we are doing). I am strict if anything; part of ds1's ability to control is becuase he absolutely knows the rules and can play them at will. he knows that if gets the fear level up high enough actual aggression (the only thing pucishable at school) is not needed.

DH is a good co-parent but understandably exhausted with bascially two FT occupations.

Maryz your younger children sound more than admirable, they sound wonderful.

Peachy, do you want to say where you are? A poster asked earlier.

I like boys, like bowling, am police checked.

McHobbes - that's the problem. there's not a lot to suggest sometimes.

life is desperately cruel.

Peachy where are you? I am in Kent if I can help? Also police checked and have a nearly ten yr old ds!

I wish I could offer you some help. I am police checked, but am in Belgium so of no use whatsoever.

Peachy, no advice I'm afraid, but I wanted to say that the cubs thing sounds like a great idea. :) Keep going - you are doing a stirling job. x

Peachy I am sorry it is all so shit and so hard.

I agree with the posters who said that they best solution would seem to be your DH taking the time off and keeping DS1 with him.

Then I would call the parents of the invitees and tell them that DS1 won't be there and see if that changes things.

Social services? You'll be lucky if anything like ours!

Oh shit LilRed you amde me laugh- do you know why I ownder?

DH ahs just returned home after minor car troubles; I am at least safe this evening.

Thanks all but am in S E Wales; it's not the party itself that will the issue, it's more what happens when sic weeks later ds1 is in school and some thing too tiny for anyone else to reigister irks him and he looks for a target and clocks a friend of ds2. It is that unpredictable. A few eyars ago DH and ds 1 and ds2 were walking along a road; ds1 suddenly grabbed ds2 and pushed him, a 4X4 swerved or he'd have been killed. Why? Becuase ds1 remembered something ds2 said a year earlier.

We did talk to SSD a lot over this; they said in order for them to be interested (our SSD report literally says 'Mum is intelligent and will cope' in every box) we have to report him to child protection as an abuser and that we could lose him if we take that action.

The big joke is of course that professionally it's me poeple turn to; I can sort out almost every problem for most people, or at elast know where to go. Which is why I know that we are on our own with this one.

Thanks for all the offers of help though. They are appreciated.

LoopyLoopsHasComeBackBrighter I idea ids a good one,
is there a dad who the other kids like that you could rope in(I did this yrs ago for ds as dh couldn't do it as he was looking after dd, and I know nothing about Bowling)
is there a mnetter who could volunteer?
I would but I am miles away. then you could let everyone know that some one else is running it.

You have to try and make the party happen, it would be so unfair for ds2 if it didnt go ahead.

Dh needs to ensure he can be with ds1 during the party and i think you need to ring round/have a chat at with parents of those invited. Stress how much ds2 wants their child at the party, acknowledge that ds1 has been a woory but that he will not be at the party.

There may well be repercussions from ds1 afterwards but you cant restrict everyones options to stave off ds2's anger.

I know why Peachy laughed at LilRed's post having gone back and looked

I'm still for my god awful typo in my post up there.

I am sorry it is so shitty I really am.

Cubs party does sound like a good idea.

There is a lot of sympathy for your DS2 expressed on this thread (including by me earlier) - just wanted to say I do also feel for your DS1 and please don't feel that you have to justify how you are parenting. ASD is a disorder not a lack of boundaries.

Hang on in there. Count down the days until September.

Jimmy all good ideas but tbh I just think kids don't want to come.

Am hoping school will have some names.

And will try cubs.

should emphasise LilRed it was a good laugh BTW

(Barowue- missed typo, enlighten pleae?)

damm sorry to hear that.
has he got friends at cubs who could come, or are they the same group iynwim.

my mum had the same thing wrt SS concerning my brother.

"mother educated, family coping" I siad the other day on t a thread, the worst thign SS can ever say abut ta family in nned is that they are "coping" - it means no help. ever. not a chance.

mum was told she would have to put my brother into care to get any help - but then of course, no guarantee she owuld get him back

and yes, if she had ontinued ot seek help, it would have been me and my other brotehr removed for our safety.

"It seems to me that the issue here (of immaterial concern) isn't of someone taking care of DS1 so he's not at the party - but persuading parents of the other children to let them come to your DS2's party."

It what I typed - instead of immediate I put immaterial - which quite drastically altered the meaning of my post

Almost all different kids at cubs.

DS2, being ds2, doesn't remember any names , despite having camped with them past two years!

If cubs leader says yes I will help him to find some party bag fillers to hand out there. A lot of the cubs will be at comp with him so worth investing in those rather than salvaging broken ones I think?

Peachy, what about families form your hobby?

you said ds2 helps out there, and is well liked. do any of the others have children? you could make it a friends and family party rather than a school based one?

Oh peachy is there anything we can do? Could we all send ds2 a little card or present to make his day more special? Could your dh take ds1 for a more fab treat for him so he doesn't resent ds2 having a party, or take it out on his friends?

definitely worth culitivating future relationships.

cubs look promising then - could you ring around parents and gush about wanting to forge stronger friendships ahead of comp move next year?