Worried about ds2 and nobody coming to his birthday- advice please?

[Peachy]

OK this one needs some background so:

I have my older 2 boys aged 9 and 11 in the local MS Primary.

DS1 has ASD and used to be the playground bully; after 3 years of fighting we managed to get the school (LEA had always been willing really) to agree to lunchtime supervision but I think it was too late. DS1 intimidates people- heck, knowing he's in a mood and dh won;t be here after school I am intimdated. He has no remorese if he hits and dismisses it entirely as not his fault. I think school have enabled thhis behaviour tbh. he is a high achiever thre as long as he has a TA close- vice captain of house, chair of school council etc. In September we have secured him a palce at a specilaist ASD Base where he can access mainstream work in a specilaist environment.
DS2 goes to local comp next year; there are 13 months between them.
DS2 is a socianble, likeable cheeky chappy- class clown. Not academic but the sort of small boy who delights in running around with a sea slug in his hand or a pocket of beetles. He was on SEN register for 6 months but school removed him: wrongly and I amde that clear but a new head came in and all sorts of support vanished overnight, and there's no other school local enough.

We tried to get sibling support but that is accessed via young carers and he would be 16 before there was a aplce apparently: he does go cubs for some separate social life.

So, it is ds2's 10th birthday Monday; pparty duly booked an d paid for, bowling. DS2 is happily storing party bags on his bedrrom table all made up, cake chosen.

And not one child will come. DS1 considers each a success and has amde it clear that he hs intimidated everyone invited. DS2 had a lvoely friend he was really close to but it got to the stage that he shook just knocking on the door so his Mum had to pull him from the friendship.

What the hell do I do? I don;t want to wreck ds2's tenth birthday. Family can't come (iunderstandably, hugely important exams. We don;t have the spare cash to just cancel, write off the cost of the paid for party and do something else- who does these days?

If I feel like crying how the heck do I manage this without him losing yet another important thing to ASD and ds1's behaviour? becuase this sort of thing happens a lot, it's a small place to live and everyone nows.

I would have let him go on the class trip.

If the TA is confident, let her deal with him.

Also, it gives you a break.

Is it too late for him to go?

I feel very sorry for you.

But I feel most sorry for your poor ds2.

Please try to find some way of your dh having ds1 whilst your ds2 can have his party with some friends.

really hope this situation works out for you x

oh Peachy.

what a situation.

BIg hugs. Life is just not fair.

Are there any boys form cubs that ds2 could invite? maybe some that go to another school? less potential for intimidation form ds1.

could you approach ds1's TA, and see if she would work overtime and supervise him at the time of the party? or if she knows someone who would? blurs lots of lines, I know, but you owld need someone who in fully in the know, so to speak.

is there any way ds1 can be bribed into behaving at the party, if you cannot get anyone else to supervise him?

would your ds1 still be able to kick off if the other children's parents were there?

if I was the parent of a friend of your ds2's, I wold be happy ot come along ot the party ot help out - more presence of parents means you woudl be able ot supervise ds1? could you try to pitchit ot ds2's friends' parents in this way?

I would bring my childrne along ot a party on that basis. yes, it woudl not be fail safe, perhaps, but it would lessen hte opportunity a lot.

I agree McHobbies you said exactly what I was thinking...Peachy you are the one in charge, your boundaries need to be set with ds1 for the sake of ds2. You don't say much about your dh but are you both dealing with ds1 together or does he leave alot of managing his behaviour to you? Boundaries need to be made, consequences need to be adhered to!

I'll be blunt - I think your husband should look after DS1 during the party. He is self employed. He can prioritise the party. Then call all the parents and explain DS1 won't be there.

I know work is important but this is more important - this is the sort of situation DS2 will remember all his life. Make it the time that his needs came first and he had a great party.

You don't need to do it in such a way that you are punishing DS1, just do it in a matter of fact way. 'Its DS2's birthday so the party is for DS2 and his friends'.

I can see this is such a hard place for you to be in and I wish you lots of luck and support with all your boys.

Dh would take the day off- he is a FT student (stage and lighting design)and has a retail business online; trouble is tbh i don;t think the other kids would come- I think with ds3 as well we'v got little signs over our ehads now saying not quite right IYSWIM?

It's sad. I used to go inwith ds2's class and read and ds2 loved that but had to pull out as would just get a queue of kids complaining about ds1. It is from my reading that I have realised how very worrying the bully-friend ds2 has attached himself to is. He hs a similar attitude to ds1 tbh.

The staff at ds1's future asd base are lovely, I might have a chat with them see if theyc an offer advice. School tied to dismiss a few of our concerns and stamped it down very quickly indeed (ha!). I should ahve been at uni with one of them tonight but DH has an exam (fair enough). Might e-mail? Psych pulled out in November and ASD Advisoty teacher never recived the forms from school she needed to intervene though she wanted to. i think she was instrumental in getting ds1 his ASD base place but can't know as these decisions are made by a secret panel (I kid not).
I know 37 kids wanted 2 places yet we got one.

sorry no help really but just to say what an incredible women you sound,really really cant imagine what your daily life must be like

your family sound very lucky to have you,do think its unfair on DS2 though (the party)some good advice here as always

Funnily enough ds1 woudln't kick off at the party anyway: he never does. It's odd.

I am wondering about seeing if I could find cubs leader and ask if ds2 could take his cake and some things in for a bit of a do next week, day after the party? She bumped him right up the list when we coudln;t get young carers help: she might be the solution?

So tricky. :(

Have you exhausted every option regarding excluding DS1 from bowling? Might other parents be willing to do the bowling supervision so you can stay with DS1?

Could you find a sitter?

Where in the country are you? Could anyone here help you out I wonder?

Your poor ds2 is normalising bullying behaviour and now accepts being a victim as par for the course. That is a real shame.

Peachy - god knows I don't know the ins and outs of your set up, but I cannot stress enough just how much you need to sort out strategies to gain control of your older son.

Ask SS if they can help you. Please.

This is so awful...your poor DS! I think you really have to take the suggestions of finding someone to care for DS1 during the party...your DH basically HAS to put his sons first in this situation....then calling the parents of the kids invited might help.

I know that I personally changed my mind about not attending a child party when the Mother caled me nd appealed. Different circumstances but still....they're all Mothers and should understand.

please could the posters saying tht PEachy just needs ot "set boundaries" and "be the one in charge" just think for a minute.

it is a very hard situation to imagine your self in, but please accept that it is not a situation that has coe about due to lax parenting.

try imagining what it would be like to live with someone with no sense of empathy or guilt.

I know - I've been there. my brother is very similar to how Peachy describes her ds1.

it is hell.

there is nothing you can do to set boundaries (well, you can set them all you want, but what happens when they are wilfully ignored? what happens after you discipline for theat, and then find out that as a result, the baby in the house is injured? or you are? r a random child at school, just because they got in the firing line?)

please just try to think yourself into the situation.

just saying "be the parent here and take control" does not help.

Cubs party sounds like an excellent idea. :)

oh god peahch you poor thing

If DH will, as you say he will, take the time off, get him to do that and ring the other parents.

It seems to me that the issue here (of immaterial concern) isn't of someone taking care of DS1 so he's not at the party - but persuading parents of the other children to let them come to your DS2's party.

I'm not even going to try and comment on the ins and outs of sorting issues with your DS1 as I have no real knowledges/experience of ASD.

That is why I am saying 'Get more help now.'

Because he will get bigger and stronger, with hormones kicking in soon.

Support is hard to find, and can take a long time.

Oh Peachy, anyone imagining signs over your heads is just horrible and wrong. That sucks - you have all this fighting to do to get the support in place for DS1 and DS3 and now its apparently your job to educate DS2's friends parents too?? I do feel for you.

If your DH stayed at home with all the boys (though I feel uncomfortable suggesting DS3 not go just because of a label rather than anything to do with his behaviour iyswim), you would have a reason to call the parents and offer their child a lift to the party - do you think you could rustle up a car full of boys? Even having 2 or 3 friends plus DS2 would be special and 'all about him'.

Could you talk to DS2's teacher about it, does she/he tend to be good with friendship issues?

immediate not immaterial

Totally agree silverfrog.

I think Peachy has been asking/looking for more support for quite some time........

Silverfrog - that's why I suggested speaking to Social Services.

Not that they will have all the answes....but it's a starting point.

My experience of SS is you have to show desperation to be offered support.

McHobbes: Peachy has already approached SS. they will not help.

there is never enough funding for help in this way, and despite numerous incidents, SS have deemed that the Peachy family do not need help to deal with ds1.

where is this help supposed to come form, if the experts will not give it?

Could you invite your ds2 friends to come along WITH their parents?perhaps they would feel happier with their parents there? Make it a larger group trip. I have stayed at parties before now where I haven't been happy that it is safe to leave them.

I am sorry this is happening I hope you find a way to control your older son and keep your ds2 safe and happy - and yourself,