Worried about ds2 and nobody coming to his birthday- advice please?

[Peachy]

OK this one needs some background so:

I have my older 2 boys aged 9 and 11 in the local MS Primary.

DS1 has ASD and used to be the playground bully; after 3 years of fighting we managed to get the school (LEA had always been willing really) to agree to lunchtime supervision but I think it was too late. DS1 intimidates people- heck, knowing he's in a mood and dh won;t be here after school I am intimdated. He has no remorese if he hits and dismisses it entirely as not his fault. I think school have enabled thhis behaviour tbh. he is a high achiever thre as long as he has a TA close- vice captain of house, chair of school council etc. In September we have secured him a palce at a specilaist ASD Base where he can access mainstream work in a specilaist environment.
DS2 goes to local comp next year; there are 13 months between them.
DS2 is a socianble, likeable cheeky chappy- class clown. Not academic but the sort of small boy who delights in running around with a sea slug in his hand or a pocket of beetles. He was on SEN register for 6 months but school removed him: wrongly and I amde that clear but a new head came in and all sorts of support vanished overnight, and there's no other school local enough.

We tried to get sibling support but that is accessed via young carers and he would be 16 before there was a aplce apparently: he does go cubs for some separate social life.

So, it is ds2's 10th birthday Monday; pparty duly booked an d paid for, bowling. DS2 is happily storing party bags on his bedrrom table all made up, cake chosen.

And not one child will come. DS1 considers each a success and has amde it clear that he hs intimidated everyone invited. DS2 had a lvoely friend he was really close to but it got to the stage that he shook just knocking on the door so his Mum had to pull him from the friendship.

What the hell do I do? I don;t want to wreck ds2's tenth birthday. Family can't come (iunderstandably, hugely important exams. We don;t have the spare cash to just cancel, write off the cost of the paid for party and do something else- who does these days?

If I feel like crying how the heck do I manage this without him losing yet another important thing to ASD and ds1's behaviour? becuase this sort of thing happens a lot, it's a small place to live and everyone nows.

I think wrt the hobby a reason it works is the lack of many other children- it means ds1 can go along sometimes (DH alternates them- it's a long ish drive and excellent 1-1 time for them chatting along the way). There are some slightly older ones but the people ds2 adores are the slightly 'naughty' young adults- the ones that pop him into (clean) wheelie bins and push him around the farm; drive with him through town waving at scarecrows (yeah yeah I know LOL- odd bunch).
Being part of that group has saved my sanity this past year; and I think it does for ds2- I know it does for DH LOL. Funnily enough ds1 not a problem down there; he goes and sits with the women making costumes and holds court. Other than ds1 not really contributing anything we've not had a single complaint though tbh there's always an adult close.

TN thank you. He is not gift short- cards he'd like I admit- he'd grin his head off LOL- but he won't go without.

BAroque-

Peachy just wondering if the problem is all about DS1. Has your DS2 invited bully-boy and if so could that be adding to your problems getting schoolmates to come along? x

would the young adults come along?

if they are the ones your ds really likes?

I am assuming that most hobby people know at least some of the issues, even if ds1 always good as gold there, so they might be happy to come along and support ds2, and make his birthday a happy one?

I banned bully boy; ds2 seemed somewhat relieved.

Bully boy is of the 'I will laugh at your lunch until you stop eating and step on your lunchbox' irritant variety though; not the direct power craze ds1 has.

Have been looking at uni stuff and realised that my dissertation prep lady is head of the CAMHs MA: I am going to ask about see if she would be approachable, we've long felt ds1 has more than straight ASD but can't persuade anyone to dig. All the psychs are so conditioned to listen to the child that they ehad ds1 assure them he ate / drank / behaved that they can't see beyond that (slightly judgemental I know).

peachy i am not in the same situation as you but i feel your pain wrt the "experts" thinking they know the score and not looking any deeper

my ds had health issues in infancy and i could have snogged the doctor who said to me "parents know their children" and suggested an alternative course of action based upon what I was saying, rather than just saying "we know what his problem is, we're treating it now go away"

if you can get your uni lady to engage that might be ideal!

Peach you know I have two with autism and I know how hard it can be BUT you really do have to get a grip on ds1 and get help for ds2.
My ds isn't demanding as such but needs my time and so of course my others have missed out. I feel guilty about that but used afterschool care to ensure that each week we managed to "connect" and they knew that their needs were important too.
Ds had extreme challenging behaviour was aggressive and destructive (we all have scars) but I got that sorted, it wasn't easy and believe me ds wasn't happy, I probably suffered even more for quite a while BUT ds had to know that it wasn't on and my others had to see that I wouldn't allow it.
I don't think school are helping by giving him these positions of trust and authority when he is being abusive to his peers tbh. In all honesty they shouldn't be giving him such status for the academics when his behaviour is sadly lacking.Using a TA like a warden isn't addressing his behaviour as they should be doing they are just preventing not treating.
You too need to start addressing his behaviour, you need to remove his status and escalate that of ds2 or you are going to have such big problems.
Ds1 is going to the resource in September, he will be in close proximity to boys like my ds who is 5 or 6 years older. Now my ds wouldn't be bullied by your ds (he wouldn't stand for it) but he is probably a foot taller and there are some bigger than him. He probably wouldn't hurt him deliberately but others in the unit would and quite possibly significantly before the staff could get them off of him.
Are you prepared to risk him being hurt by others because he hasn't learnt how to behave in an acceptable manner around his peers?
As for the party, ds 1 can't be allowed to attend,what messages are you giving him and ds2 if he does? Even if you have to go alone with ds 2 then you should do and if ds 1 hurts somebody because of it then you give him a consequence and keep giving them.
There must be something that ds 1 enjoys or treasures, use that to get what you want.Ds used to love his ps2 (he still does but not obsessively)for a long time he wasn't allowed the ps2 "for free" he had to earn every minute. Some days he never caught sight of it and he created but he knew the more he created the longer he would be without it.
It takes a long time for the message to sink in. Ds was younger and hadn't enjoyed the power for as long as your ds has so you might have an even longer journey but you have to do something for all your sakes and especially ds 1.

Is there not chance that you could pay extra to have a member of staff from the bowling superize ds2 and his friends and you can take ds1 away?

And phone up the other parents and tell them that your older son will not be there, and explain to what you have told us.

I hope it works out for you.

That would be supervise

Pm me your address if you are happy to and we will send a card.

Pying extra for anything at all depends on whether Uni will agree to wait an extra few weeks for my fees; they may, they ahv ebefore but I need to ask first.

ASDx" you are of course right about wresting back the power but what we find is he is controlled enough that he can simply try and take it out on the otehr boys or at school. We are as I said in the process of rejigging the whole sleeping arrangements to improve safety measures for ds3 but until school separate ds1 and ds2 (they did but refused to continue as it upset other sibling pairs when they allocated separate playgrounds for their years) he knows he can simply be mean there. 'Little' things like referring to his brotehr as a girl in a speech in Assembly 9the etachers thought most hilarious and ds2 cried )... he's pretty creative. there is something we can take away but his TA simply hands over her won stock of same item. It took him 3 yers compared to the usual 3 weeks but he runs her pretty much now as well.
I am hoping that the abse will be less easily conned. There are indeed bbigger stronger kids there: I doubt that will bother him, he thinks he is faster and stronger than everyone. They are already working with us though and have already picked up on his attempts to buy off the older kids with small little gifts- kids are buying in of course (when ds1 was six he was assessed with an adult verbal age: he can charm anyone) but staff are not and thank goodness foor that.

We don't qualify for SSD- no AS rule here that I have seen in print- ASD Advisory teacheer wanted in but school forgot to send forms in time for budget allocation. Psych allocated admitted she knew nothing about ASD. We even had to pull him from BIBIC after he wanted to bite the therapist we had during ds3's sessions. i;ve never heard of anyone else being pulled for that reason.

I can guarantee the boy's safety: they are never further than the next room from dh and I. But absolutely I frequently put myself between ds1 and them for safety.

The earlier comment about school trip- had he hurt someone we'd have been faced with a nightmare trip to collect him. We set him two targets regarding behaviour, one of which was simply sleep through in his own bed, and he didn't meet either or even attempt to.

Oh please don;t anyone be offended if I ask MNH Q to move this to SN later: Dh amde a few comments about journo fodder....

I would be furious about school tbh and would be ensuring that it didn't happen.Ds has always had ASD specialist TA's because it is written into his statement and we have worked in very close partnership right from nursery. What isn't allowed here isn't allowed at school and vice versa.
There is no way would I ever have allowed a school to empower ds at the expense of my other children's welfare.
I would be in school tomorrow and remove from the TA all the rewards and incentives from her.Explain that should ds earn a merit then she is to detail it in his home/school book. Any bad behaviour either at home or school would cancel out the merit and so he wouldn't be rewarded by you when he got home.
It sounds like you have no power at all and so ds has grasped the position you have to find a means of getting it back although it will be hell for quite a while no doubt. You can't let him win not only for his own well being but for his siblings.
My older three are six, five and less than two years older than ds but they remember when ds was aggressive and challenging. They have added respect for me because they know I sorted ds for their own wellbeing and they still live at home so they must be happy here I suppose Dd2 is 8 years younger and ds is very tolerant of her because he was taught to be before she was even born. I know she is safe even though ds is more than double her size and she can be very annoying in her own way.
I understand how controlling ds can be my own ds, if he thought there was the position, would try to become top dog here as well but whilst he wants control it is very frightening and stressful for him and so he is happier when he knows I am boss because it is less stressful for him (and all of us)
I would be hugely worried about how the other boys will tolerate his ways tbh.
When one of the mainstream boys grabbed ds's bag "as a prank" (there had been no teasing beforehand it was spur of the moment) he was warned in no uncertain terms by school that what he did was dangerous and foolish and had ds chosen to retaliate then he would most likely have been injured significantly before the TA who is with him 1 to 1 constantly) had got help to get him off. As it was ds left for chill out and was rewarded but it could have been so different depending on ds's mood or had it been one of the other boys who are far less predictable.
We have no input from SS either and I think it's a travesty tbh there are some days when I feel run ragged and on no sleep because ds and dd don't do sleep. Do you have a behavioural support service in your area who could advise and support you? You could try the Challenging Behaviour Foundation as they might know which direction to point you if they are unable to help themselves.

'Do you have a behavioural support service in your area who could advise and support you? ' school forgot to sign off the forms; well we did get there once but the man said to lock ds1 in his room all evening; he has since been moved on (!).

School TA is away but it would have to be signed off by Head; Head doesn;t 'do' parents (yes I know, she's new and nobody is happy with her- very obviously). TBH i think head is biggest issue as until her recruitment we had a fabulous supportive Head and made a lot of headway, since then staff morale has gone through the floor and noting happens.

You seem to think we do nothing ASDX2: you are wrong. I have begged literally everybody, tried reward systems, tried punishments- he doesn't care. We already buy in respite breaks for the boys (in different ways) and ensure they get 1 on 1 times with us, and kept safe. he never gets away with anything, ever but even though we have made improvements we have not cured him.

Oh when I say head doesn;t do aprents- what I mean is she freely admits that at her alst school she was regularly criticised for her communication issues, she hides in her office all day and won;t answer door or phone, and has a termly 'open school' forum where aprents can talk to her in a packed hall: she feels this is enough. She also pulled almost the entire SEN budget and spent it on candles for a faith display (that was when ds2 lost his dyslexia support actually). had I any way of getting ds2 to the otehr school I would have taken him out already, but I can;t be at home waiting for the SEN Taxi and hiking a few miles up the hill and dropping ds1 at school simultaneously, we can't afford to pay for any mroe help and all family many miles away.

Not for a minute do I think you don't do anything just think you haven't been supported enough by school to ensure that you can make life better for you all.I think you are in an awful position and school have contributed to your difficulties and that is appalling tbh.
I would imagine if my ds had been in the same school then I would have been powerless too because ds is manipulative enough to get his own way if he was with a TA who wasn't experienced enough. For that reason all the new TA's are shadowed and on a steep learning curve but even so ds always spends time getting their measure.
I'm sorry I really wasn't criticising I'll bow out now.

Please don;t ASDX2, unless you want to anyway. There was a lot in what you had to say and absolutely the school are yet again a root problem: your posts ahve helped me see it. trouble is they have such a great rep that I feel I see something different to everyone else (except those who have been in the same situation)

Hi Peachy

Just read your thread and have no experience or advice to offer on the party really that hasn't already been said.

However, what you said about there being no clubs or activities for young carers / siblings of ASD children got me thinking.

There must be parents in the same position as you at the new school that your DS1 will be starting next year - with other NT children with little outside support.

Maybe you can get together with them and create a social / activity club for kids like your DS2?

Your local authority should have a small grant scheme which you can apply to for some funding (small grants are completely seperate from the main LEA / SS budgets) and you could also regsiter it as a charity.

Hope you sort something out for your DS2's birthday

But their reputation must be for the academics because what you describe is appalling. Allowing a child to be ridiculed in public, a TA pandering to the whims of a child she should be supporting, not addressing bullying, not addressing peer relations the list is endless.
Do parents actually complain about your ds1 or do they "know" that it's pointless?
When ds was in primary during lunchtimes and playtimes two TAs shared the time off and so one TA was responsible for ds and another dc.
Ds used the time when he wasn't fully supervised to attack children indiscriminately.It lasted two weeks because I encouraged parents to complain to the school and the LEA.
Have you tried gearing up the parents to contact the LEA and OFSTED. It's surprising how HT's suddenly listen to the parents when they are getting pressure from above.

Lenak funnily enough I looked into that; it was put on hold but is something I would love to get going again. there's a new children's centre in process and I need to talk to them.

Funnily enough it is academics yes. And just general 'poshness'.

I do funnily enough ask aprents who say something to me to speak to school or LEA- twice I have been put into bad positions (doorstepped by an angry dad, and really heavily verbally assaulted by another dad) becuase of ds1; I asked them both to do that. I don;t think either of them did. but not sure- complex. basically very angry dad was shouting at me for laughing in playground with DH (DH was scared; DH managed a hauliers, he is not easily scared)given the fact that DS1 had kicked the crutches from under his recenlt opertaed on son: bang on, except school had told him they told me and not actually done that. Head (old one) punished DS1, told parents sorry then told us it was an accident don;t worry- usual softsoap. very confusing.

I don;t actually trust school though: both my boys ahve lost a tooth in playground games and in neitehr case did school contact us (last one was last week); on one occasion ds2 was very badly injured at school becuase of their stupidity. if I could work out a way of getting him up the hill to the other school i would love to, but ds3's taxi is always late and I couldn't get there. Other school is lovely too , but somewhat sadly has poor rep because it takes poor kids from the estate. Shock bloody horror .

Oh god I have been there too but thankfully school were on the ball. Had a known violent offender try to get to ds in school aged 5 to "sort him out" because his ds had been bruised by my ds (he did if ever he got the opportunity).
School phoned the police and the police came to our house because he had then threatened to torch the house if he couldn't get to ds. We were on watch for a while with panic alarms
There is no wonder you have it so tough when ds isn't being properly supported thirty plus hours per week. There is also no wonder that he is so manipulative and vengeful either because he isn't getting consistent reinforcement of the boundaries.
I don't believe you will be able to make any significant and lasting changes whilst he is in that school tbh I just hope that the resource has the know how and resources to support you in making a difference.
It's good though that you are already speaking with the unit, I think his present school might do potential damage if they give the unit their interpretation of ds's difficulties so do make sure they are aware that your experience of the school is different. We had a long transition and the unit learnt as much as they could about ds and what made him tick before they ever met him. In our case school and home were on the same page though so make sure your voice is heard.

DS1 gets 16 hours, upped from ten at his last review. Rubbish really.

The base- ah yes . I know they fought to have ds1. One of the teachers is on my MA Autism course so has heard me talking about it all since 2009. They reckon they can change his future. I so hope they are right. The beleive in him for a start; at preschool he was so bright that Head wanted us to sit entrnaces for Prep scholapships; by 7 they were saying he had low IQ at school. the former were right, of that I am certain; he just needs support to show it.

And the good news is just had an email from Cubs- going to call me tomorrow about a birthday celebration for ds2. YES!

Your ex needs to step up to the plate, here.

It's really important that your ten yr old, whom you describe as looking forward to the event and preparing for it, GETS TO HAVE HIS BIRTHDAY BASH! It's paid for. He's excited, don't cancel. That'd be so sad.

Why can't your ex have his son for the duration or at least say HE CAN BE THERE to look after ds1 and make sure things run smoothly.

This is really sad. No gran/grandad/aunties/uncles to help?

Let us know how it all goes, would you?

Oh, and happy birthday to the young man! Ten's great!!

Ex? know something i don;'t? - nah he's very family orientated: sat with them now in fact. Just over worked.

Aunt is sitting big exams to qualify as a vet dentist that day or would come; my aprents don;t drive. DH's family not so invovled, just how it is.