This is breaking me. 6yo about to be excluded.

[NDandMe]

His behaviour is erratic, violent, and uncontrollable at school. I know and accept this is an untenable situation and the school has a duty of care for the other children as well as him.

We are doing all we can, but he is violent at home, too. He kicks and punches me, he kicks off at random things, and any behaviour management techniques only last a short time.

He's been referred for both ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is so extreme he's been bumped to the top of the waiting list for the Ed Psych - we have an appointment after the half term break. The school can't give him the resource he needs to function- sometimes 2 or even 3 adults in the room.

I am doing all the "right" things according to the woman on the CAMHS hotline. But he's still in crisis, about to be excluded, and I don't know what more I can do. What else is there? What am I missing? I've asked for a reduced timetable but I don't think he's going to last until half term at this rate.

He refuses to accept he's been violent at school, and says his teachers are lying. How can I address an issue he won't even admit to? What more can I do? I am overwhelmed and scared. I wouldn't blame anyone for saying I'm a bad mother and he should be excluded. I'd be furious if a child like this hurt my own DC. But here I am, feeling powerless and worried he will be out of school with no education before he can even read properly.

What behaviour management techniques are you using?

I have very little advice as I have a 13 DD who has just been moved to a specialist unit for a few months as she is being angry and awful in school. We are waiting for an ADHD diagnosis too. The school think she has ODD too. It's awful. She is my youngest and has been raised like the others so I know it's not my parenting as they are not like it. She doesn't want to be angry and is begging for help. It's horrible and I feel for you xx

Being excluded may help to get him a more appropriate school place. If he needs that level of adult supervision he may need a specialist place. Start finding out what is out there in your area so you are prepared.

With that level of need it is vanishingly unlikely to be your parenting- much more likely to be an underlying neurodiversity as you’ve suggested.

I wonder if it’s worth moving this post to the sen section? Other posters who have been through this themselves might have some concrete suggestions for things which you can try.

What provision are they making for his education while he’s excluded? Presumably his behaviour hasn’t just started being an issue, what have the school tried up until now to support him - has it worsened over time? it sounds like they’re treating it as a behavioural issue rather than a developmental one, given his level
of support needs have they/you started the assessment process for an ECHP? The school should be doing that before looking at exclusion.

I don’t have any advice but I did just want to say I am sorry the system is failing you and your DS so badly, and that you are enduring such a stressful situation. I hope you get some proper support and the assessment after half term is a turning point for you both. Gentle hugs to you.

Are you in England? Have you applied for an EHCP? With the level of need you’re describing it sounds like a school specifically for special needs pupils may be the best fit. Do you know about provision in your area? If you feel ok saying which part of the country you’re in, there’s bound to be posters who can advise.

I work in a special school and your child sounds like plenty of others who have thrived once they are in the right setting. Have you thought about local special schools?

I don't know how to even start. Would the Ed Psych make recommendations?

I also have a 6 year old who is sometimes violent, point blank refuses to admit things he doesn’t like can be true. He is nowhere near as challenging as your son (mainstream with some 1 to 1), but I definitely understand where you’re coming from and how difficult it can be emotionally. The best thing to do is to find a network of other parents who understand. If you don’t want to say where you are, try googling or looking on Facebook for Sen support groups in your area.

Well, anything where he can earn or lost points is a cause of extreme anxiety and distress for him. School should only be using positive reinforcement, so a chart that he has control over and decides how he feels that morning or afternoon.

At home we have a "good things" journal where we can reflect together on the day and point out what he's felt happy about and what he's done that he's proud of. He had a very black and white perception of himself and will give up and call himself evil (no idea where he got that, I was horrified when he started saying it). I feel like that helps, and even on really bad days he manages at least one thing.

Distraction, countdown to a transition, pretending to race him to get ready for the day and he always wins, jokingly telling him off for cleaning his teeth, reinforcing and modeling calming techniques, teaching him self soothing actions. The list goes on.

The journal is losing its shine after a few weeks now, and our current countdown reminder is clipping a few pegs to his top, saying each one is worth 2 minutes, and he hands one to me as ever 2 minutes pass. A sand timer has been attempted in the past and that was unsuccessful, so I'm waiting for this to also stop working soon.

School tells me their plans only last a day or so, and then he refuses to participate.

I'm in England. I'll be asking the senco about an EHCP, thanks for the reminder.

Look on your local council's website for "local offer", should be a good starting point.

If you want to do a parental application for EHCP, the IPSEA or SOSSEN websites are a good starting point, they have template letters you can use.

I know you said there are 2 or even 3 adults in the room, so I’ve no doubt they have tried the following, but worth saying anyway:

“Movement breaks” (breaks from the classroom, walks around school), sensory breaks (blowing bubbles) fidget toys, Playdough , jigsaws, wearing ear defenders to cope with noise.

Using a visual timetable, eg “First” and “Then”.
Using timers to tell him that there are X amount of minutes left before we move on to the next lesson.

Do you know what exactly the triggers are, eg not wanting to do particular academic work, not wanting to share, not wanting to go in/outside?

Worth reading up on PDA and seeing if anything sounds familiar. The PDA society has some great info and strategies which are the polar opposite of traditional parenting and teaching methods.

definitely keep pushing the EHCP too. You will need this if you want to consider specialist provision.

I would ask the la for a list of all specialist schools in the county. Look at their websites. Who do they cater for and what are the admission requirements. Many will require an EHCP but not all. Apply for an assessment of his needs. The ep report can go towards the assessment. Yes discuss the right setting with the EP but also have an idea what YOU think will work for him. The LA will want to keep him in mainstream because it is the cheapest option generally. They may also lack places in specialist provision. As a parent you want your child in a school where they can function. You don't want him excluded. When my dc were accepted into a specialist school for asd I was able to relax and know their behaviour was normal for the school they were in.

What research have you done about what the next steps are? What local support services can help you? It isn't your fault or your son's fault but you can investigate other parents' experiences and what other schooling options there are online. How will you cope with work? Poor you OP.

He has ear defenders, he clearly has sensory issues with noise, light, and temperature. I send him in with a hat, sunglasses, ear defenders, raincoat, and a pack of feelings cards he wears around his neck. I feel like I'm kitting him out to go to battle. School is a place he hates.

They've got him doing quiet activities on rotation in a small room, in between work. Phonics is his most hated lesson, he has to practice things over and over again by rote and it infuriates him.

He has a visual timetable but will occasionally rip it up and chuck it across the room.

TIP Trauma Informed Parenting (Suzanne Scott) and Newbold Hope (Yvonne Newbold) are also good to look up online and Facebook. Plus Ross Greene, The explosive child and his cps model

these are all things which helped me!

Oh, and he absolutely melts down when directly told what to do - more like a volcanic eruption.

I have to come at it sideways and distract him or ask him to help me with a job upstairs, or make it a race, just to get him into bed. Otherwise he will scream/punch/kick me. For an hour or more.

Read the explosive child - might be good techniques for you

There was a boy in one of my dc's classes who sounds similar. I always found him very sweet when I ever came into contact with him, but I'm told that when he flipped it was extreme. Towards the end their class was being evacuated up to three times a day to keep them and him safe.
I honestly don't think he had any memory of when he flipped-he was beyond that, so naturally he didn't see the problem. So he's not necessarily refusing to see a problem; he may genuinely not realise what he's done.
I can also 100% say it wasn't his parents, so I'm sure it's not anything you've done either.

Using the exclusion, the headteacher worked with the LA to get him into an appropriate school-where he thrived. I know the head regularly visited him at the special school to help him settle and even once he'd settled she kept in contact with the parents to see how he was doing for years-far beyond when he'd have been at the school.

Please don't blame yourself, and don't blame him either. It sounds like he truly is overwhelmed and is not in control of himself.

I taught in special education for years and we always regretted that pupils tended to come to us in yrs 5 and 6 instead of sooner, when we could have done more for them.

I hope you get an appropriate place for him soon and that he settles well.

Stay strong; stay positive. You're not on your own with this.

We had a similar child. Before we could permanently exclude him, we had to prove to the local authority ( who came to the exclusion meeting) that we had tried absolutely everything possible to keep him in mainstream. This includes applying for and getting an EHCP, 1:1 full time support, advice from an Ed psych, support from county behaviour specialists, additional staff training, several fixed term exclusions, a placement in a specialist unit for 16 weeks of therapy, play therapy, art therapy, pastoral support, reduced timetables, the lot. It was only when we had exhausted every possible alternative were we allowed to permanently exclude.

They haven't clearly outlined their steps. I need to email the senco and ask, because I sometimes feel like they are flailing and looking for ways to get rid of the problem because they don't have the skills to meet his needs.

That's me feeling defensive, angry, and helpless btw. I understand this is shit for them, too.