This is breaking me. 6yo about to be excluded.

[NDandMe]

His behaviour is erratic, violent, and uncontrollable at school. I know and accept this is an untenable situation and the school has a duty of care for the other children as well as him.

We are doing all we can, but he is violent at home, too. He kicks and punches me, he kicks off at random things, and any behaviour management techniques only last a short time.

He's been referred for both ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is so extreme he's been bumped to the top of the waiting list for the Ed Psych - we have an appointment after the half term break. The school can't give him the resource he needs to function- sometimes 2 or even 3 adults in the room.

I am doing all the "right" things according to the woman on the CAMHS hotline. But he's still in crisis, about to be excluded, and I don't know what more I can do. What else is there? What am I missing? I've asked for a reduced timetable but I don't think he's going to last until half term at this rate.

He refuses to accept he's been violent at school, and says his teachers are lying. How can I address an issue he won't even admit to? What more can I do? I am overwhelmed and scared. I wouldn't blame anyone for saying I'm a bad mother and he should be excluded. I'd be furious if a child like this hurt my own DC. But here I am, feeling powerless and worried he will be out of school with no education before he can even read properly.

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. It makes things even more difficult for you.

There is a team in Norwich who help kids with similar challenges. They've recently come to together to write a book on strategies for educators. It might help.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Trauma-Informed-Teaching-Strategies-Solutions-Behaviour/dp/183997205X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=anne+oakley&qid=1683799562&sr=8-1

There always is [trauma] when children display this behaviour

Off you fuck with your judgmental tripe. Autism might be unsightly to the perfect parents amongst us but it’s certainly enough to cause these behaviours without any help.

Maybe look at Mona Delahooke, have you seen any of her work?

Being ND in an unsupportive NT world is traumatic in itself.

What? Unless you mean that severe autism causes its own kind of internal trauma, you're talking rubbish. And with four decades of teaching in special schools, I feel qualified to say that.

I've taught children with these behaviour profiles who have gone through external trauma. But I've taught many more for whom their extreme autism related anxiety has caused the behaviour entirely by itself.

Being ND in an unsupportive NT world is traumatic in itself

Absolutely, but that isn’t what the PP meant. Ablism of that stripe (“it’s not a real disability - it’s trauma”) is probably why studies show there are no untraumatised autistic adults.

FWIW my much adored IVF baby who has never experienced any trauma is liable to wreck a classroom and the kids in it within minutes if his needs are not being met or he is overwhelmed. Because he’s profoundly autistic.

@Vinvertebrate why are you being so defensive? It is fascinating how it's fine to diagnose autism over the internet but no-one other than myself asked if a child trashing a classroom and being violent at home has experienced trauma. I don't understand why with all the research out there in childhood ACEs that wouldn't be explored as a factor?

@JudesBiggestFan I expect it’s because parents of neurodivergent children are too used to hearing that the neurology is trauma related as a fancy way of saying ‘it’s the parents’ fault’ and as a way of schools avoiding responsibility for accommodating a neurodivergent child’s needs.

It doesn't surprise me that there is childhood trauma. There always is when children display this behaviour

I haven’t diagnosed anyone. I suggested the OP look at PDA profile. OTOH you made a sweeping and grossly inaccurate statement, that just happens to be ableist as well as daft. 👏

It is fascinating how it's fine to diagnose autism over the internet but no-one other than myself asked if a child trashing a classroom and being violent at home has experienced trauma. I don't understand why with all the research out there in childhood ACEs that wouldn't be explored as a factor?

While there’s some overlap in some presentations between autism and trauma both can fully exist in the absence of the other. Trauma has become very trendy in recent years and gets touted by some people as the explanation for everything, my DD has a significant trauma history and is neurodiverse, except the professionals focus on her known trauma history means she hasn’t had the support she needs for ASD because “everything is trauma”.

Trauma can be used as a stick to beat parents with - I was told by a consultant psychiatrist that my daughter really just needed a loving, secure home and family to overcome her trauma, which both flies in the face of research findings and neatly puts the blame on me just not being loving or stable enough when she inevitably needs support down the line. Unfortunately for him I know very well what I’m talking about so she does now have the support she needs in relation to trauma, but the late recognition of ASD also impacts her.

Given the OP knows her own child’s history and is looking for trauma informed interventions, I suspect she knows it’s a factor.

FWIW, I'm no professional but I'm open to the potential for ND diagnosis when the time comes, I'm not saying it's trauma vs ND. It's probably both, interplaying with a complexity that I can't unpick. I'm ND myself.

Anyway, he's had a good day today, and the long email I sent requesting specific information and a face to face meeting has resulted in something scheduled for next week.

One day at a time. I'm feeling a lot calmer than I did 24 hours ago, so thanks again everyone.

<3

All the research out there? Have you read the latest report from the EIF? It advises caution on the ACE agenda given the limitations in the current evidence base.

I say this as someone whose child experienced trauma as a consequence of late diagnosis of ASD/ADHD.

No this not how you parent ND children at all. He is not choosing to make poor behaviour choices. They are a result of nervous system overload and overwhelm
Rewards and consequences do not work whatsoever for n/d children and will just reinforce his feelings of shame and long term make everything worse.

Op just to add if on Facebook plz join Therapeutic Parenting uk . Great group you will find lots of support here.

Thanks, I will look at the fb group. I don't use punitive methods at home; he feels overwhelmingly bad about himself after a meltdown as it is. I work with him to make right anything that's gone wrong (apologise, tidy up, fix something he may have broken, etc).

As an update while I'm here, we've made some more changes at home, using declarative language, making bedtime more cosy and acknowledging feelings, all of these seem to be working. School have responded well to my long list of questions, we have an EP scheduled in June, and we are working towards a comprehensive EHCP application once we receive that report. I'll be pursuing specialist provision as soon as we can, as well. Not all schools will need a diagnosis, but many do, so it's still a long road ahead.

He's also been moved into year 3 for some lessons, it turns out he was getting frustrated due to boredom. 🧐

It's early days, of course, but I feel like we're on the right path. A big thing for us will be working on ways to keep an eye on his sense of attachment and safety, and to keep his anxiety and stress levels down.

I'm noticing he is able to cope better with disappointment recently, taking a breath before the explosion hits, and then sidestepping it altogether. I say things like "it feels frustrating when we don't get exactly what we want" and it seems to help de-escalate things.

One day at a time.

Don’t wait until you have the EP report to request an EHCNA, do it now.