This is breaking me. 6yo about to be excluded.

[NDandMe]

His behaviour is erratic, violent, and uncontrollable at school. I know and accept this is an untenable situation and the school has a duty of care for the other children as well as him.

We are doing all we can, but he is violent at home, too. He kicks and punches me, he kicks off at random things, and any behaviour management techniques only last a short time.

He's been referred for both ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is so extreme he's been bumped to the top of the waiting list for the Ed Psych - we have an appointment after the half term break. The school can't give him the resource he needs to function- sometimes 2 or even 3 adults in the room.

I am doing all the "right" things according to the woman on the CAMHS hotline. But he's still in crisis, about to be excluded, and I don't know what more I can do. What else is there? What am I missing? I've asked for a reduced timetable but I don't think he's going to last until half term at this rate.

He refuses to accept he's been violent at school, and says his teachers are lying. How can I address an issue he won't even admit to? What more can I do? I am overwhelmed and scared. I wouldn't blame anyone for saying I'm a bad mother and he should be excluded. I'd be furious if a child like this hurt my own DC. But here I am, feeling powerless and worried he will be out of school with no education before he can even read properly.

https://www.newboldhope.com/
some good resources and insights on this website into anxiety cause violent behaviour and support and help.

I also thought PDA. This website is really helpful: www.pdasociety.org.uk. In our case school is the root of the problem.

I guarantee it’s the environment and not your child.

At home when your child starts to lash out - please remove yourself from his space, do not look at him, talk to him just move away slowly. If he comes after you firmly and calmly remove him from your person.

You can always see when the violence is coming? So then you will know that you have to back off quicker than you have been doing

does the child have a small tent or sensory space in your house? They need one

also whatever your child’s interest is once they are calm you need to talk to them and say you will reduce their access to said thing by 5 minutes for their poor behavioural choice.

This will be very hard at first and things will get worse before they get better.

be consistent and firm

Yes, I do feel like he is on constant sensory overload, and can't self regulate. I have to cradle him like a baby, take deep, slow breaths to help him follow suit. I sit in a darkened room to help him get calm.

I know he's in a bad way. I know it. But I have to work too. I feel absolutely trapped.

Between a rock and hard place sort of way I mean.

Lots of helpful advice here, SENDIASS service would be your best bet. I understand people believe they quote the local authority but they do not, they are impartial and all Ipsea trained.
Their website is incredibly informative.
Re the exclusion, ensure its all documented as this is evidence for your ehcp and how the provision currently aren't meeting need. A brief meeting should take place before your child returns to school and any new interventions should be discussed.
Ensure your child is being heard and their views are documented on his one plan, this is paramount.
Knowledge will be your power, you sound like a wonderful mum.

I understand people believe they quote the local authority but they do not, they are impartial and all Ipsea trained.

Sadly in many areas SENDIASS do repeat the LA’s unlawful policies.

Yes, my local SENDIASS was far from impartial. 🤷🏼‍♀️ But my DS’s SALT and his advisory teacher for autism were both amazing allies. MN is a good source of advice as well. Don’t be upset by harsh seeming replies, we’re just cross at the system and sick of the constant struggles. And some of us are probably on the autistic spectrum ourselves and have a tendency to be blunt.

PDA is a good shout. You say he really hates being told what to do? Classic PDA symptom. I used to support a child with PDA in a MS school. One trick was to ‘talk all around the houses’ about things you want them to do so they feel it’s their own choice and not that they’re being pressured. It’s almost the complete opposite to advice for those with more usual ASD, which is to simplify instructions down to very plain language. It’s about having a few strategies to try. Your DC will respond to some and not to others. You become the expert on what works for him. Lots of luck.

Have a look at the official government guidance on school exclusion - https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1101498/Suspension_and_Permanent_Exclusion_from_maintained_schools__academies_and_pupil_referral_units_in_England__including_pupil_movement.pdf. It says repeatedly that, before considering exclusion, schools should be considering whether the child has SEN and should be taking steps to ensure they are properly identified and met. It really is pretty appalling that you have got this close to exclusion without the school applying for an EHCP. I would suggest you point that out to the school and ask exactly what they are doing to comply with those requirements. It could also be worth pointing out to them that leaving your son to sink or swim without giving him support and then trying to exclude him is disability discrimination.

There is information on the IPSEA and SOS SEN websites about applying for an EHCP, I suggest you start this process immediately without waiting for the SENCO to get her brain into gear.

If he is excluded, I would strongly suggest getting in touch with people who can advise you on challenging it, for instance:
https://schoolexclusionproject.com/
https://www.gardencourtchambers.co.uk/areas-of-law/education-law/school-inclusion-project-sip/sao
http://cenlive.org/exclusions
https://www.justforkidslaw.org/what-we-do/empowering-young-people/legal-support/education-and-community-care

also whatever your child’s interest is once they are calm you need to talk to them and say you will reduce their access to said thing by 5 minutes for their poor behavioural choice.

I’d be very careful about this unless and until you’re sure he’s actively choosing his behaviour. From your description it sounds like he loses control and recognition of his response when he flares up which isn’t uncommon. If that’s the case he’s running on instinct, effectively fight or flight, which he has no choice about in the moment. You could be punishing him for something beyond his conscious control which is unfair.

I also know for my DD her interests actually help her self regulate so reducing time spent on those is counterproductive in that she’s more likely to have a meltdown without access to things that hold her interest and help her regulate.

I work as a SEN lead albeit at a college so a lot older children but I came to see if I could add anything but reading through comments you've had some good advice.

How are you OP? Have you got a support network around you? You really are coping with a lot I hope you are taking care of yourself aswell.

Not much advice other than neurodiverse children struggle with reward charts and punishments that aren't 'natural consequences'.
They often see them as bizarre because they are seemingly unrelated.
You are absolutely doing the best you can and you are taking responsibility, so you're doing well on that.

This post made me tear up a bit.

My boy went through something very similar in early KS2. It nearly broke me and the way we were treated by the school and fellow parents will haunt me for the rest of my life. This compassion and understanding is so lovely to read.

OP - my son has thrived with an ASD diagnosis and transfer to a specialist school. He's been there years and is a totally fabulous, non violent teenager.

OP you sound like an absolutely amazing mum, unfortunately schools don’t have enough resources to deal with kids outside the norm. I think he might need a break from from school as it sounds very stressful for him. Though I know this is extremely difficult with needing to work. Some orgs I follow that might be helpful are Not Fine In School https://notfineinschool.co.uk/ and Square Peg https://www.teamsquarepeg.org/what-we-do

I’m not sure of your financial situation or location but lots of children who can’t cope in mainstream thrive in private alternative settings, you can find those here https://www.progressiveeducation.org/

@NDandMe obviously can’t diagnose but as PP said I would definitely read up on PDA. Ticking a hell of a lot of boxes.

You sound like a super parent having a shit time. I agree with other posters that a formal exclusion is likely to help you get the right support for your ds rather than be a bad thing. And it’s really positive if your ds can get the support soon rather than hanging on in a school which can’t meet his needs for another year or three.

and a virtual handhold to get you through the overwhelm: you can ride out this storm.

Do you think his behaviour deteriorated as he started having less choice over his learning? I know Y1 can be v different to reception in many schools. If so you could look into self directed learning, I recommend reading Naomi Fishers book Changing Our Minds as a starter. But this basically recommends a child led approach to learning that is incompatible with mainstream school so poss not a lot of help if you want /need to keep him in local school system.

I've been reading through this thread again tonight, taking notes. I'll be emailing the school tomorrow, asking urgent questions and asking for a meeting ASAP.

I'll start the EHCP myself as well.

Thank you again, all. This thread has been a lifeline tonight.

Oh, and quick question, is a temporary exclusion illegal without following procedure, same as permanent?

I would think so, temporary exclusion suggests they’re treating his issues as behavioural rather than developmental which isn’t ok if they haven’t looked at supporting him in place, making adjustments for him or undertaking proper assessment of his needs.

Sending OP love xxx

The school still have to follow due process for suspensions/fixed term exclusions. However, that doesn’t stop some schools trying to informally exclude even though it is unlawful. If the school do exclude you should insist it is a formal exclusion.

OK, thanks.

I can’t offer any practical advise, but one of the school moms I know told me the best thing to happen to her son was him getting excluded from school as it meant bumped up the list on a specialist school and all the help she’d been seeking. He was around the same age as your boy and extremely violent. He still has problems at 14 but he’s a world away from where he was. Good luck x

Sounds like he needs the specialist care of a Special School. I'd be pushing for recommendation from Ed Psych. In the meanwhile could you home school him even for part of the day?