AIBU to think teacher should have consulted about this?

[Rinoachicken]

Don’t know the full story yet, will be speaking to school in the morning.

DS1 age 9 has just started year 5. He has ASD, always been well supported by the school. Last year discussed with the SENCO about some additional ‘social skills’ work for him as he really struggled last year with this aspect. He found the classroom too loud at times and this was managed by him wearing ear defenders at times or being allowed to work in the library.

He has come home today and told me all excitedly that he now sits at a table alone in the corner of the classroom and this is his permanent seat for the rest of the year. He loves it because he can concentrate better and doesn’t have to hear others chatting etc.

But I am concerned that this will only make it harder for him socially. It ‘others’ him and sets him apart from his classmates, who have up til now been mostly accepting of his quirks, just part of him. He will miss out on the class conversations of his friends (I know they aren’t there to chat but you know what I mean). He will also not be able to practice some of the coping skills the school we’re planning on helping him with this year, as he’ll be alone and not exposed to anything outside of his own personal bubble. His tolerance for others and ability to problem solve will not be able to be challenged and built upon. How is this helping him to grow and develop and be prepared for secondary school and beyond?

AIBU to think that such a major policy change for him should have been discussed with me BEFORE being put in place?

Hobsbawm
That may be true but the issue in this post is that the teacher has done something, the child is openly happy at home and school and theres potentially a complaint coming in because the teacher didn't consult parental opinion.

Dialogue is important, but that doesn't equal should consult on every element of the job.

I think it's good for the OP to meet with the teacher and to have regular meetings to update. That sort of dialogue is crucial and valuable, but it can't be from a position of I expect to be consulted for every new strategy or approach.

I don't know what level of support your son has at school, but I do think this should have been discussed with you before implementing a change.

This doesn't mean every parent needs to be told of a change to the seating plan, but the OP's son has ASD, changes to routine are important as are the concerns you may have about feeling isolated. Schools should work in partnership with parents when supporting additional needs.

I’ve never said I’m going to complain. I have questions and come concerns that’s all.

@Rinoachicken Really? I presume you’re familiar with implementing plans for their wellbeing etc and know that those writing the plans have their best interests at the centre of them? Furthermore those writing the plans are best placed to make the decisions without constant checking with next of kin etc?

Are you serious? Are you actually serious? I don’t know a parent who hasn’t had to rewrite plans because the people writing them haven’t a fucking clue what they are doing. I could line up a queue of people whose children were mismanaged by their schools through ignorance or the desire to just get rid of the awkward child who didn’t fit the sausage factory.

Thankfully my school is a decent one, but they still get my insight on things they are contemplating for my son. Maybe that’s why they are decent.

@Rinoachicken Ok- lots of us work full time and are able to accommodate activities outside of school; but you absolutely should accommodate what you can.
You’re becoming very defensive , unnecessarily so when advice is only being offered.

@sauvignonblancplz My answer to her question is 'yes'/YANBU.

It's a key support strategy implemented by new staff, not a minor one. She should, as a minimum, have been advised in advance it was happening. There was no need for lengthy discussions just basic communication.

Maybe you think the risks I've given are acceptable. I don't. If a 2 minute conversation could massively reduce the risk of a deeply distressed child, why take the risk?

And people wonder why more and more children with ASD are being pulled out of schools and homeschooled. The ignorance and arrogance some show is astounding.

@Rinoachicken please do have a chat with your school about it and raise your concerns. It is not unreasonable at all. You should be working in partnership with the school, not meekly assuming they know best.

Just a thought but if he’s happy at his new desk, perhaps it might give him the space he needs to then spend his energy on socialising skills during lunch and break.

Perhaps this desk might allow him to use his reserves of energy at the best times, rather than him having to be socially ‘on’ all the time.

It must be exhausting for him and this might just be the happy medium he needs to allow his socialising skills to blossom when they are needed.

Just a possibility of course.

@SisterSistine That’s a blatant exaggeration.... really is and very unhelpful.

Actually @sauvignonblancplz I’m being defensive with you because you are the only person who is being aggressive with me, accusing me of being hyper and trying to micromanage the school etc.

They are not experts or specialists. They do need to get to know the individual child.

Speak for yourself. I teach 300 kids a week and I try to know all their individual needs. A teacher of 30 will eventually know them very well indeed.

It would be a huge waste of time to phone every parent for every change to the seating plan. That precious time is spent planning for those individual needs.

@rhinochicken - have a quick chat with the school to get a bit more information.

And perhaps next time post a question like this on one of the SEN boards...

@Rinoachicken even! I wish there was an edit function 😂

@NavyBlueHue yes that may well happen and I’ll be thrilled if it does

And it really isn’t just about being happy. My son is happy when he gets to hide out in the Head’s office doing the odd worksheet and playing with Lego. But is that a good idea? Is it helpful? Not really.

There is nothing wrong with checking that all aspects of a child’s needs and development are being met. A workstation can be a great thing. But it can also be detrimental if it’s just used to exclude a child from the rest of the class. However “happy” that child might seem.

It’s not aggressive at all, you’ve asked aibu, you’ve got answers you don’t like and you’re being defensive is actually more accurate .

Go to the teacher with your concerns & review again at half term. Sorted. I’m sure all will be fine and your son will thrive under a teacher who has clearly taken some time to understand your sons needs.

OP your questions and concerns are completely valid, don't worry. Write down your concerns and arrange to chat to the teacher-they will understand you're a worried mum. He's happy in class which is a great start! Perhaps between you and the teacher you can agree steps (once the term is settled) to then help him socially. It might be that there are lunchtime clubs he could attend? Our lad who, as I said, is very popular wasn't always! What really helped him socially was in year five he was made a prefect and was given a year two 'buddy' to help out when they joined school. Supporting the younger boy with settling in etc. (he was new to school) seemed to help my son develop his social skills somehow. Talk to the teacher and see what can be done-no child should be 'lonely' at play time. Alone by choice, yes, (I feel that shit in my soul!!) but lonely needs some support.

You're clearly a lovely mum, OP. He's lucky to have you in his corner

@sauvignonblancplz which bit is an exaggeration? I can honestly back up every bit.

And thank you especially to Hobsbawm and SisterSistine, for actually reading and understanding what I am trying to get across

Anyone who thinks anyone genuinely really know each and every individual child out of 300 is, well,...

And the idea that implementing a specific support strategy for a child with ASD is the same as a general change to a seating plan... That kind of proves the point that (sadly) many teachers know very little about ASD, ADHD, etc.

Is the new setup your son's choice @Rinoachicken ? Was it discussed with your son?

I work in Year 5 (and in Year 6 too) and we would usually have a discussion direct with the child with a view to supporting them in their work or wellbeing (re change of seating). We would not usually discuss it with the parent beforehand. If a child had been moved because they were disrupting themselves or others, then we would discuss it with the parent.

your son will thrive under a teacher who has clearly taken some time to understand your sons needs.

In 8 days?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Actually, I'm quite cross that a teacher could possibly think they are a specialist or expert in ASD - no wonder it is so hard to get the right support sometimes.
Never mind the those who train, research, and work in the field for years - we don't need them. The average school teacher is an expert. 😡

It is a constant battle to ensure that ds's needs are met at school. There have been individuals who have been fantastic, there have been some instances of really poor practice.

Making the assumption that these are the experts who all know what they are doing, and should be trusted with knowing what is best for your child at all times, would be very naive.

Very often the difficulties with ds could have been averted with communication ....something which ds's school has really struggled with...and one of the reasons why a good, open partnership with parents is important.