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Original poster

I am a total failure as a mother.

160 replies

turtledove23 · 27/12/2008 06:41

My DS is 9 months today and I can't seem to get anything right. He goes to bed at 7 and (on a good night) sleeps til 1-2 then wakes anything from 2 to 8 times and wakes anywhere from 4-7 for the day. I have to work very hard to get him to sleep well in the day. Lately he has been having an hour in the morning and 45 mins-hour in the afternoon. We try to do 2-3-4. He is still breastfed despite me trying to give up about 20 times. He has 7 teeth which caused him huge extended pain and has been working on the eighth for what seems like an eternity. He is just about walking but can still only manage 6-10 steps so we're still in developmental hell. I have been in tears since 415 when he woke this morning, as have realised that after trying NCSS and all the kind stuff that I am going to have to (TONIGHT) do CIO. No booby, no love, just screaming. It is breaking my heart but I can't do this anymore. I know that I am on the road to PND from lack of sleep. Please tell me it will work?

OP posts:
TheHopefullyAndTheIvy · 30/12/2008 08:00

turtledove I second what others have said about perhaps another MNer coming to give you some relief if anyone lives nearby.

Your situation sounds awful for you, I feel for you so much, after thinking I would go mad after only a few weeks of nights like you have (and mine were with a newborn, so I had no right to be surprised by it!)

I think perhaps it's worth considering all of the sleep training methods, and pick the one you think you might be able to do - if you're not going to be able to do CIO, there's no point trying, but if it's the only thing you feel able to try at this stage, I think you should go for it. Lots of MNers will have used whatever method you go for, and will be able to advise and support you on it.

I think Relate is a brilliant idea, and at least if it's a total disaster you will know you tried everything and that your DH is just not going to improve and you need to not have him there. You never know, having a counsellor spell out that he needs to be supportive might make it hit home more than his mother or a friend saying it.

Ewe · 30/12/2008 11:16

Oh turtle, these babies are such a nightmare sometimes! I was so sleepy in the night last night that I was apparently calling DD a lasagne in the bed

We are thinking of trying controlled crying starting on Friday night (when I am out!) as I can't bear it any more and I am not going to feel guilty about it. DD needs to sleep, as do we, I genuinely think that it is my duty as her Mother to teach her healthy sleep habits - that is my reasoning and I am sticking to it!

Have you heard about 9 month sleep regression? Apparently it can be quite common to have lots of sleep problems around this age and it can pass, just like any other phase.

Glad you and H are going to give relate a shot, things WILL get easier with DS and your relationship.

nappyaddict · 30/12/2008 11:54

turtle i agree if any mners want to offer their help take it. you're in london so there will be loads of people on here nearby to help.

Original poster
turtledove23 · 30/12/2008 12:15

I think what I need more than anything is someone to just keep me company for a few nights while I try and tackle DS's sleep issues. Rather amazingly, someone has volunteered to do that next week. Fingers crossed. DH has also said he will actually do a few nights...on the proviso that I stop BF so I can take a heavy-duty sleeping pill. Hmm.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 30/12/2008 12:24

do you want to stop breastfeeding? perhaps you could express milk for the night feeds so DH could help out sometimes?

Original poster
turtledove23 · 30/12/2008 19:11

DS will not take milk out of a bottle/cup/beaker... he will just go without. Has held out for days.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 31/12/2008 01:11

Have you tried going out for the whole day and leaving him and DH to it? That's what my friend had to do to get her DD to take it. (she left at 9am and came back at about 6pm)

ches · 31/12/2008 02:34

Talk to your doctor about something you can take for sleep that won't affect your milk or which you can pump and dump. I suggest a hotel room for you the nights DH is "helping."

Original poster
turtledove23 · 31/12/2008 06:11

I tried going for THREE days and he still wouldn't take milk out of anything. I am now at cracking point. I slept from 930-1145 when DS woke. He settled for 45 mins or so then woke up and refused to go back to sleep til 330. I slept345-545 and then we're up for the day. This is not good. DH came back yesterday and is trying v hard. Today is my sodding wedding anniversary as well,and I just want to cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
turtledove23 · 31/12/2008 06:13

I am losing weight dangerously quickly for someone who is BF. Would be surprised if my milk is even any good for him at the moment. Probably full of ketones and rubbish. Have been eating, just very stressed.

OP posts:
littleducks · 31/12/2008 09:46

I am pretty sure you cant pass ketones through to baby, i think the bm stays lovely and creamy and the mum goes scarily skinny

when you say he refuses to sleep, like from 12.30-3.30am what is he doing? crying/whinging? playing/standing up?

Ewe · 31/12/2008 10:05

Did I see you say on FB that you managed to get a babysitter for tonight? Try to relax if this is the case, have a couple of bottles glasses of wine and really talk to eachother, 2009 will be better!

Does DS drink out of a bottle when other babies around him are? For example, my DD will not be spoon fed at home but at nursery when all the other babies are being fed she will happily take it. Could be something worth trying if you haven't already and I have a bottle drinking DD you are welcome to use as a prop!

Does DS eat solids well?

turtle23 · 31/12/2008 10:32

He just sat shouting every now and then. Got a bit upset at times, but I just left him. Impossible for me to sleep through though as he shouted every few minutes for a bit.
I DID have a babysitter for tonight. Cancelled it as DH and I dont have much to celebrate(our anniversary.)
He eats solids well, but at the moment has regressed to smooth purees instead of lumps and loads of finger food.
I try him with a bottle whenever anyone else has one, with anyone he seems to like the look of, with different formulas, EBM...you name it. He just will not have milk. He took 2 oz out of a beaker once. (Since 3 months that is, he would happily have bottles before then.) I think that since he got teeth he just finds it odd and enjoys biting the teat/spout too much?

littleducks · 31/12/2008 10:58

did he have an infection recently? cant remember if that was him on postnantal thread

have you tried this cup we have the taller no handle ones, you have to bite for milk to flow, he may like it?

littleducks · 31/12/2008 11:00

can you un-cancel babysitter and get a break with a takeaway?

VersOComeAllYeFaithful · 31/12/2008 11:27

turtle I've just found this thread and don't know what to say... I had no idea things were this bad for you. If you want to cancel next week I will understand. Sleep for YOU has to be the priority! I hope you get things sorted out with your DH - feel free to email me if you like as my DH and I had very similar issues when we had DD1 - including discussions about splitting up, and a couple of visits to Relate.

I hope the sleep training goes ok next week. Is DH on board with it? You will really need his support to make it a success.

Good luck!

sasamax · 31/12/2008 11:36
nappyaddict · 31/12/2008 11:57

hsve you tried an avent cup or tommee tippee easiflow cup? or how about seeing if he would be able to use a straw?

turtle23 · 31/12/2008 13:08

Verso- Bugger, so difficult when MNers know you in real life. I had totally forgotten that you might see this. Please do not worry, I am fine to do next week. In fact, it is a welcome escape at the moment. I have to function whether it's at home or taking your little angel out for a stroll. I am quite good at pulling myself together when I'm not leaning on MN.
DH is trying very hard to be nice to me. I think it has finally begun to permeate that thick head of his that if he doesn't help there will be nothing left.

ches · 31/12/2008 13:34

I can't remember if anyone has mentioned that your lo is probably in the midst of separation anxiety, hence all the shouting if alone at night (or in my case, if I tried to have a wee on my own. In my experience, during SA, my DS would howl up a storm if I were in another room, but if I left the house altogether he'd be fine. I would take the stance that his sleep really can't get any worse, and let the in-laws have him for a night. If he'll drink water (of have it squirted down his throat from a syringe to prevent dehydration) and will eat solids, not having milk for 24 hours won't kill him. Happy new year, turtle, 2009 can't get any worse.

nappyaddict · 31/12/2008 14:21

sorry turtle can't work out if you mean you went out for 3 full days and didn't come back in between or if you mean you came back at night time.

fitnfestiveone · 31/12/2008 21:57

{{{more hugs}}} and I hope you are able to celebrate your anniversary next year...here's to plenty of sleep in 2009. x

ChrismumMiaow · 31/12/2008 22:09

oh turtle. I don't know you but I really wish I was closer, because it sounds like you're having a horrible time of it. I have a DH that does nights for me (and doesn't really complain!) and its still hard sometimes. I'd love to be able to help.

It might be a long shot but its worth a try - my DS was hardly drinking any water - a few sips with meals - but since we put some water in his cousin's fruit shoot bottle that he was obsessed with, he probably drinks about half a pint or more a day! - Could you try milk in some unexpected bottles? Sports bottles? Also I second the straw idea - DS briefly showed an interest in straws (but I didn't persevere with it as he manages to make a good mess)

I hope 2009 is better for you.

turtle23 · 01/01/2009 06:32

Gosh Mners are lovely people. Happy 2009 everyone.
With the milk thing-we have tried sports bottles, whey shakers(cos daddy has one and he's always after it), mugs, even a plastic vase. I am sure if we left him long enough without food and only milk as an option he would drink it. Can't bring myself to do that though.
If the in-laws were capable of having him for the night DS would have been shipped off ages ago!!
Progress in one respect today: DH and I agreed to break up at 1159 last night and get back together at 1201. He has said some encouraging things including shelling out for a night nanny for a few nights as he has admitted that he finds it too tough and has promised to either send me away or stay up with me if I insist on staying home and sobbing in the hallway. (would I do that? ;) )
Only down side is that we stayed up til 2 talking, went to sleep and at 215 DS woke til 230, then woke for day at 450. Ugh. We have a lunch thing today with old friends we haven't seen in ages. Am hoping that strong coffee wont stay in breastmilk and send LO into loopyland.

littleducks · 01/01/2009 08:13

All the best luck in 2009 turtle

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