I am a total failure as a mother.

[turtledove23]

My DS is 9 months today and I can't seem to get anything right. He goes to bed at 7 and (on a good night) sleeps til 1-2 then wakes anything from 2 to 8 times and wakes anywhere from 4-7 for the day. I have to work very hard to get him to sleep well in the day. Lately he has been having an hour in the morning and 45 mins-hour in the afternoon. We try to do 2-3-4. He is still breastfed despite me trying to give up about 20 times. He has 7 teeth which caused him huge extended pain and has been working on the eighth for what seems like an eternity. He is just about walking but can still only manage 6-10 steps so we're still in developmental hell. I have been in tears since 415 when he woke this morning, as have realised that after trying NCSS and all the kind stuff that I am going to have to (TONIGHT) do CIO. No booby, no love, just screaming. It is breaking my heart but I can't do this anymore. I know that I am on the road to PND from lack of sleep. Please tell me it will work?

their kids not my kids!!

I also tried the crying, ds was sick and so small and hurt looking when I went in to him I could never do it again

take him in with you, cuddle him and go to sleep

and tell your dh to grow up, he's not coming first at the moment and he needs to know that

a big baby isn;t funny

hiya turtle!!

Personally i think you put too much pressurre on yourself, possibly because you are used to working with babies rather than being a mum so feel you need to 'do it right'

ok so my ds is a pita atm, he was born 1/04 so is a few weeks younger, he also goes down well 6.30/7 wakes for a feed at 10.30 settles reasonable then spends the rest of the night (when i am trying to sleep) messing about

and i am also bfing far too much in the early hours, and am not finding the cosleeping more restfull at all! but i do have dd climbing in at some point with cold toes also

i think he is napping too little in the day, he should have a long nap of at least an hour pref two but i dont know if that is acheivable, with dd i couldnt actually do that until she was 1 yr + and that was a cosleeping nap (which prob wasnt a bad idea)

i think you should try to nap more and not let him get up in am, when you say up for the day do you go downstairs? dont let him play with cot toys?

could you get ant help so you could rest as your dh isnt the most helpful (mine has never done anything useful in the night but didnt make matters worse by whinging!) can you afford a babysitter of some sort? there is also homestart, which might be available if you were starting to feel like you were developing pnd?

Good luck, i think your ds will develop like my dd, fast to move, exceptionally bright and imaginateive and talkative but just not bothered to sleep!!!

Why do you want to stop BF? The WHO recommends it until the age of 2 (I didn't keep it up that long for personal reasons but wish I had. It was so easy!)

As earlier post said, try co-sleeping and BF, sleep with him. 'Fighting' his needs is not working - why not try going with them?

Try this book. I found it very reassuring.

For the teeth, I used tooth powders from the health food shop, often 2 at a time when she got a bit bigger, and calpol or baby ibuprofen. Doctor told me it is safe to use both together. More purist friends were shocked at 'using drugs' but I would take something for pain myself, so why shouldn't she?

Try a warm bath together - uses loads of energy and can ensure good day time sleep.

Look after yourself; he will pick up your tension and get even more stressed. Sleep when he does, have lavender baths/massage, save on cleaning/cooking, get out for brisk walks every day.

You are a great mum! You are pretty much exclusively breastfeeding your baby at nine months which very few of us manage and provides a wonderful start for your little boy. You are there for him all the time.
But I know how absolutely awful and draining it is when you have a baby that doesn't sleep. I suspect you are having a specially bad day today after all the exhaustion of Christmas and you will feel better in a day or two or more normal routine.
However, I think you are right to try to get him to sleep in the day - maybe schedule a walk for his afternoon nap time? (weather permitting) and work on that morning sleep too. It helped my first baby. It is also true (though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now) that babies can change very quickly and a bad sleeper as a baby can be a great sleeper as a child.
Make sure that a teething baby has pain relief (calpol/baby nurofen or both) as of course they will sleep less well if they are in pain and will breastfeed more.
It's a rare marriage that doesn't suffer a bit in the early days of babies - that's totally normal, sadly! It's hard work.
I would suggest that once or twice a week you go to bed when the baby does to catch up. He has a good run from 7pm so you could too - even if you treat it as a nap before dinner you could grab two hours of good sleep.

I do cosleep. I find it irritating but do it as he sometimes finds it helps. I try and nap when he does, I then get nothing done and feel even worse. Cannot afford a cleaner. He has every teething powder etc in the world and nurofen is the only thing that even makes a dent in the discomfort and you cant give them that non-stop. BF is lovely but it is knackering me. I am beginning to not eat properly as I am so tired and I don't think that helps with breastfeeding any. I am falling apart at the seams and I can't carryon like this.

Turtledove, you are right, you can't go on like this.

You need more help and support. How much does DH do in the house? Does he help at all? I made a deal with DP when we had DD1 that because I was bf and he would never have to get up and do a night feed that he had to do more domestic stuff because I would be tired from doing the "night shift". It has worked very well for us, he'd rather cook a couple of times a week and do a few loads of laundry than get up in the night, so we are both happy. Does your DH do anything to ease the load for you? Or is he too busy getting all huffy because his balls are too full? (perhaps he needs to read this thread?)

You do need to eat fairly well, but it's ok to live on quick snacks as long as it's not one packet of crispa after another and not followed with biscuits. An apple is quick and easy to eat, so is a banana, but don't underestimate the healing powers of good chocolate.

Do you have a sling? You can get stuff done whilst carrying your DS in a sling, and perhaps you could make a list of things you'd like to get done, and set small targets, rather than trying to do loads and then feeling like a rubbish housewife/mother because you've not done everything.

It's the weekend, is DH off? Could he take DS for a couple of hours, to visit some people or something, so you can have a couple of hours to have a bath and a lie-down? You sound incredibley stressed, and in need of some serious support, is there anyone who can help you out whilst your DS is going through such a demanding phase?

Take care.

DH wont help. Am killing this thread now. Just too upset.

Sounds like you need to do CIO with the DH, not the baby. Maybe show DH this thread?

I don't think the breastfeeding is exhausting you, I think the night waking is exhausting you, and no wonder. If co-sleeping doesn't work for you (ie you still can't get enough sleep) then talk to your HV (if you have a nice one) about doing some kind of controlled crying/sleep training or whatever. You will need to get your dh to agree to help you with this, give you moral support. I would recommend you cut back on night feeds before you even try though, as if your baby is hungry then he won't sleep even if tired. Try to get down to one sort of dream feed (10pm-ish) and then an early feed (5amish) and if your baby can go that long then you know he's waking out of habit, not hunger. I know lots of people will be horrified by this, but you really sound at the end of your tether. For me the best sleep pattern during the day was a 9am nap and a 12-2nap. If you have a decent sleeper or thrive when co-sleeping then all this is irrelevant, but I have to say with my worst sleeper it definitely helped.
Also, I have to say, nine months was when my baby started to sleep better - there is hope!
You can give Calpol and Nurofen together to really knock out pain. If your baby is teething and it hurts, give him painkillers.

Come back! You NEED some support and there is plenty here..
And bring your dh to this thread while you are at it!

If you want to do 2 days of CIO, fine, I'll support you.
Might do the trick.

I would first recommend making a list of all the problems as you see them and then put them into priority order.
We can help you address them one by one.

You are not a failure, in fact I don't see much in your posts that is out of the ordinary.
This situation might look a complete mess but it can be sorted and sorted reasonably quickly.

Totally agree - no evidence of failure here!

I have seen one or two of Turtles other posts about her dh, and they do suggest he is a huge part of the problem in her feeling a failure...

Please read this!

It is quite usual for husbands to behave in a slightly less mature way than the baby. I don't know why, but there it is. I know from personal experience it can make you feel terrible, but I found it helps to know that it is normal and not your fault.

If he won't help, I have to disagree with other posters and say there is no point in trying to force it. It doesn't work. You have to think about ways to get round it yourself.

I agree that it isn't BF which is exhausting you, but getting no sleep and feeling totally unsupported. BF is also so comforting for your ds, who is having a pretty bad time too.

If your dh can't or won't support you, have you got friends or family who could help? Even if they just come over for an hour while dh is at work so that you can sleep, or help with the hoovering/make supper with you. People love to help and love to be asked - you are not imposing; you are allowing them to feel really good about themselves.

If not, I think HV will have to be the last resort. From my experience and what I have heard, they are very keen on independant sleeping and will be keen to advise on CIO (although I think that might be the hardest thing for you and ds).

Our hospital has a breast feeding consultant who was very supportive. If you put the problem to them as a 'Am I doing OK at breast feeding?' rather than a sleeping problem, they might be able to help. I think you need someone.

Have you thought of taking him downstairs for the night? That is what worked for me when things were at their worst. We slept on the settee (and in a cot next to the settee) in front of the fire and woke and watched bits of all night TV (not all awful!) and slept a bit more and got by like that.

Thank you all. I know two things:

1. Reindeersnake is right. Trying to get DH to help is not only counterproductive, it is impossible. I threatened to leave him if he didn't do at least one night a few weeks ago. He did it, complained mightily, gave up at 4am and then spent two days in bed "getting over it" and told everyone who would listen that our baby was a monster and he'd been up all night as I couldn't cope. Helpful.
2. Unless I get some sleep I will be a crap mum and very sad.

How I get to sleep is another issue. I have no family in this country. DH's parents are elderly and the rest of his family are too far away. My friends have babies of their own, most have a second newborn and are shattered too. The breastfeeding is not a priority issue right now. The sleep is. I have tried the PUPD/NCSS and controlled crying. I am to the point where I actually considered phenergan. I do not particularly WANT to leave my baby to scream, I just see no other way. When we co-sleep DS sleeps a tiny bit better than alone, but I have very little sleep as he is a snorer, wriggles like mad, talks in his sleep and is generally very cute to watch but hell to sleep with. I am holding out hope for tonight as for the first time in weeks he had a 2 hour sleep this afternoon. I realise that a lot of babies don't sleep. I have not had a night of more than 4 hours in 9 months, and those are the nights I dream about now. I need to get a block of sleep. I do appreciate the support here.

I can think of a solution to at least half your problems but you probably won't like it (and you can probably guess what it is)....

I agree Georgimama, having only one baby to look after would probably be much easier.

On a practical note, do you sleep with DS in a single bed or a double? I am wondering if you have enough room.

How long has he snored for? Does he have a snuffley nose a lot? Was he very colicky as a newborn? How is he in the day, happy, cheerful or grizzley and demanding? Does he sleep better if he is upright against your chest/shoulder?

And finally, would you like me to pop down and have a quick chat with your DH?

"On a practical note, do you sleep with DS in a single bed or a double? I am wondering if you have enough room."
It's a large roomy queen-size bed, though DS always ends up sprawled diagonally with me cowering on edge!

How long has he snored for? FOREVER.Does he have a snuffley nose a lot?NOT SNUFFLY,BUT ALWAYS A BIT BOGEYED OUT!! Was he very colicky as a newborn?HE HAD REFLUX,IT SETTLED AT 4 MONTHS How is he in the day, happy, cheerful or grizzley and demanding?CHEERIEST CHEEKY MONKEY IN TOWN. EXTRAORDINARILY ACTIVE. ALMOST HYPERACTIVE. Does he sleep better if he is upright against your chest/shoulder?NO. HE HATES SLEEPING ON ME UNLESS HE'S ILL.

And finally, would you like me to pop down and have a quick chat with your DH? YOU'D BE THE 15th PERSON TO DO SO, BUT FEEL FREE! HIS OWN MOTHER TRIED YESTERDAY.

Actually, it is not a real snore. It is a goose-like HOOOOOOOONK.

The snoring is almost certainly just normal baby snuffling, but it might may be a clue to obstructive sleep apnoea which won't help your baby sleep at all. Take him to your Gp if he he snores all the time.
My middle child has a dust mite allergy which interfered with his sleep until he got a steroid nasal inhaler.

baby snoring

some ideas for solutions here

This will sound really stupid, but have you tried (I doubt it as it sounds mad) rubbing snufflebaby vapour rub on the soles of his feet, and popping a pair of socks over the top? Whenever DS has a snuffly nose or a cough I do this at night and it always helps him sleep better - I say better, he is a terrible sleeper too, though.

Thanks for that. We had a humidifier in his room until it broke a few weeks ago. His tonsils are tiny and he almost never breathes through his mouth. I really think that it is mostly being overtired that leads to snoring. Vicious circle, that. Thanks for reminding me about the humidifier though! Buying one right now.

georgimama-you're right. I haven't tried that!! Will give it a go.

I know it sounds bonkers but it does seem to help DS.