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Original poster

I am a total failure as a mother.

160 replies

turtledove23 · 27/12/2008 06:41

My DS is 9 months today and I can't seem to get anything right. He goes to bed at 7 and (on a good night) sleeps til 1-2 then wakes anything from 2 to 8 times and wakes anywhere from 4-7 for the day. I have to work very hard to get him to sleep well in the day. Lately he has been having an hour in the morning and 45 mins-hour in the afternoon. We try to do 2-3-4. He is still breastfed despite me trying to give up about 20 times. He has 7 teeth which caused him huge extended pain and has been working on the eighth for what seems like an eternity. He is just about walking but can still only manage 6-10 steps so we're still in developmental hell. I have been in tears since 415 when he woke this morning, as have realised that after trying NCSS and all the kind stuff that I am going to have to (TONIGHT) do CIO. No booby, no love, just screaming. It is breaking my heart but I can't do this anymore. I know that I am on the road to PND from lack of sleep. Please tell me it will work?

OP posts:
ssd · 28/12/2008 09:37

racingsnake, I wasn't having a go at you there, but I was a nanny for years, prem babies, the lot and I could manage to get kids to eat at the correct time, same for sleep, eat veg/fruit without a fuss

then I had kids and bang it all went out the window! same for another friend who was a nanny for about 15 years, 3 kids later she says the same as me

I think the op has more trouble with her dh than the baby, I hope relate can help

skidoodle · 28/12/2008 09:42

hey turtle, sorry to see this thread was by you

We've been having similar sleep deprivation here recently, I don't know how you're managing so well without a full night's sleep for 9 months.

Maria talks a lot of sense.

You are far from a failure.

racingsnake · 28/12/2008 10:17

Thinking about it, maybe Turtledove is also suffering because she is used to solving other peoples' problems and can't solve her own. I am a teacher and can control a class of over 30, but my own 2-year old! I feel totally helpless with her.

Also her lack of support. I have not had an entire night's sleep since (whisper it very quietly) 13th July 2006, but I have a supportive mother close at hand, lovely friends and a dh who is erratically helpful (although sometimes almost as awful as Turtledove's). I keep trying to think how Td could get the same kind of support.

ssd · 28/12/2008 10:24

yes support is vital

my ds didn't sleep all night for the first 2 years and it was just all down to me and dh, we have absolutley no one who can or offered to help, mum too old, no family interested. its so hard with no support, sometimes you just need to grit your teeth and get on with it as there is no other options

so saying that my dh was great, I still think the dh is the problem with the op

Original poster
turtledove23 · 28/12/2008 10:37

I think DH and I are splitting up. I can't take much more.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 28/12/2008 10:39

aw turtle

I'm sorry

georgimama · 28/12/2008 11:03

Have you tried asking your husband what he expects you to do about it? I mean this in a constructive way, men like finding solutions. What does he suggest you do differently? And if he can't think of anything, perhaps it will help him see that you are doing your best and this is just a phase you both need to ride out....

Original poster
turtledove23 · 28/12/2008 12:16

This thread's taking a bit of a different turn. We're making arrangements to try and live seperately in the house. I hate him.

OP posts:
StealthPoHoHoHo · 28/12/2008 12:50

Just read your OP and the last few of your posts. So sorry things seem to be getting worse. Wish there was something I could say or do but I think most things have been suggested

StealthPoHoHoHo · 28/12/2008 12:51

But you're not a failure and to me your DS sounds completely normal...but you know that

ches · 28/12/2008 13:33

m'dear by the sounds of things you will be better off. Not sure living in the same house will help much as he'll still be undermining your confidence. Good luck xox

GreenMonkies · 28/12/2008 15:06

turtledove, I'm so sorry things have gone this way for you. Is possible for him to go and stay with his parents for a week or two to give you both some space?

The first year of having a new baby is a huge upheaval, it can make or break a relationship. The complete lack of support, help, understanding and empathy you have had from your husband is shocking. I don't think he deserves you or your lovely baby boy.

Do you have any family nearby that you can lean on?

WeWishEWEaMerryXmas · 28/12/2008 15:30

Oh turtle (((HUGE hugs)))

Is there anything we can do?

I have a few points on the whole thread -

Firstly, have you tried Orajel yet? It is amazing (I tried it myself last night as I have a wisdom tooth coming through with an ear infection on top) - totally numbs the gums, really helps DD when she is teething and I have a spare tube if you want it.

Secondly, you are an awesome Mother and you really need to start believing that (truth be told, I have always seen you as a bit of an uberMummy!).

As you know, my DD and your DS have had similar issues at similar times and seem to be again with regard to sleep (maybe they send eachother secret messages?). She is up 8-10 times in the night, sometimes she is screaming with frustration and other times she is giggling and almost singing us songs. I also cosleep - not that it helps. I just repeat to myself the mantra that this WILL pass, it won't go on forever and it does help me to try and have a bit of perspective.

I also think that like other have said you are comparing your experience now with your experience before with other peoples children - DD sleeps like a dream at nursery, 3 naps a day, same time roughly most days. No chance of that at home!

Thirdly, your husband is being a total utter shitbag, why does he think he doesn't have to put in 50% of the work now when he put in 50% of his genes 18months ago?

If you need ANYTHING, please get in touch, I have been through very similar as you know and it is possible to work through it (relationship wise, shan't profess to knowing jack all about making babies sleep).

Maybe we could swap babies and see if that helps!?!

ssd · 28/12/2008 19:26

turlte good luck, think you'd be better off, can't he move out though?

fitnfestiveone · 28/12/2008 23:58

{{{hugs}} Turtle

Are there any other doulas who you trained with who could give you some support during the day at least, since you don't have anyone else local?

DaddyJ · 29/12/2008 00:05

Ah, that's really sad, I am so sorry things have deteriorated.

How very very unfortunate that he can't see how he is hurting
the people he loves most.

nappyaddict · 29/12/2008 00:53

Have you tried the gradual withdrawal method or pick up/put down? How about shushing, patting, singing or quietly talking to him?

Original poster
turtledove23 · 29/12/2008 06:39

Have tried PUPD etc. That was the worst one as he'd take 10 minutes to calm down before putting him back down.
So another day in the drama that is turtle's life. We went round and round in circles yesterday trying to sort something out. For the time being we have gone back to must go to relate as soon as they open and DH is giving us some space. I had 3.5 hours sleep last night in 40 minute blocks as have some kind of infection in breast (hoping it is thrush and not something horrid) and am in agony. Wondering if this is what the problem is (DS had two courses of abs a few weeks ago) and just waiting in tears for surgery to open. Am slightly tempted to start taking fluconazole just in case as I bought a load in last time in case dr said no. I'm rambling again, aren't I? Feel a bit bad that a sleep thread is turning into a "poor turtle" thread.

OP posts:
littleducks · 29/12/2008 09:56

i did write a lengthy reply yesterday that seems to have disapeared

but the gist was:
dont worry about whinging, that is the beauty of mn, if anyone gets fed up they can click another thread

space time and sleep should give some clarity and i hope you and your dh come to a solution you a re both happy with

good luck at the drs

if you want to meet up, someone to play with ds or clean your house i would do so though and on a sat could even come toddlerless (but thought this might come across stalkerish so not sure to include or not, sod it, ignore if too freaky!)

Original poster
turtledove23 · 29/12/2008 10:40

Littleducks-That is so very kind of you. I am hoping that this afternoon will be able to sleep a bit and as DH wont be about I dont care about the house for a bit. May take you up on that one day soon, though..

OP posts:
littlegirlblue · 29/12/2008 11:34

Turtle, I do hope you are feeling a little better! Jsut want to let you know my dd hardly slept for 17 months, and it was utter hell...we tried Millpond, everything. In the end what really helped was a combination of going to see a cranial oesteopath (a huge improvement even after one session) and gradually cutting out the night feeds (by a few mins each feed till she was off it). It's all a bit of a sleep deprived blur now, but I was a wreck, all my friends had baby's who slept, me and DH had terrible rows...and THEN she suddenly learned to sleep all night and has been a WONDERFUL sleeper since, 7-7 every night. Some of the same friends now have toddlers who wake at 5am etc, and are not as good at sleeping as she is.

It is a phase, it will pass, sleep deprivation is a kind of torture, and your whole world looks different. Me and Dh got our relationship back on track with the sleep, and all was fine. But now also have a 7 month old who is exactly the same. I co-sleep, I'm knackered. But there's a big difference in how much I worry about it, so I don't feel so bad about it. I know it's just a phase, and I'm not going to do CIO. But I will be gradually reducing the night feeds in a month or two. I also catnap sometimes in the day, and drink lots of coffee! DH sleeps through it all, has always been crap about nights...but is a brilliant Daddy by day! Hope you feel better...big virtual hugs {smile}

nappyaddict · 29/12/2008 15:58

turtledove - if you don't want to go down the leaving him to scream route and i can totally understand why then i really recommend the gradual withdrawal method. it really worked well for a few friends of mine.

missingthemountains · 29/12/2008 20:05

turtle - don't worry about whinging - I keep checking this thread to see how you are doing - we are in a similar situation with DS2 - (different problem with my DH as he can't help out as has MS) so really hope things improve for you.

littlegirlblue - like your idea of reducing each feed - may see how that works for us (although I normally fall asleep halfway through nightfeeds myself and wake to find sleeping baby still attached to boob )

Original poster
turtledove23 · 30/12/2008 06:46

Another night of 9 wakings, but had to go with it to try and unblock blocked duct. Am very tired and sore and praying that I get a nap today.

OP posts:
dollius · 30/12/2008 07:10

Oh Turtle, I really feel for you. Sorry if I've missed any developments - I've only read the first page of posts.
My DS2 is nearly 2 and has never slept through the night, although things have got better gradually.
I also remember when DS1 was six months old and woke up every hour for weeks. I was on my knees.
It's too hard to be doing this all alone.
I think you should co-sleep with your baby in your own bed if you want to. If DH doesn't like it, let him sleep somewhere else. Really he should be supporting you.
My DH has to get up for work as well, but he is up with the boys during the night as much as me.
There are two parents in your house and the other one needs to pull his finger out.

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