Nearly five years of broken sleep and struggling to cope

[Ginagogo]

Just need to vent. Almost 5 years of having almost no sleep. 1st DD was a terrible sleeper, started to improve around 3.5 but by that point DD 2 was born and while she wasn’t too bad as a tiny baby, she’s almost 2 now and horrendous. Sleeps 3 hours and after that is awake every hour till morning, often we can’t leave the room even when we think she’s asleep. We’ve tried everything. 5 yo still wakes up at least twice a night and often comes in our bed

I can’t cope every night like this. I dread going to bed and I feel like I’m just on autopilot miserable and wishing the days away

when they are babies people tell you it gets better but no one says it might not!

Are you getting any time to catch up on your missed sleep? Can your partner take the DC out for the day on, say, Saturdays, so you can just sleep?

Sympathies, OP. I'm just coming out of the sleep deprivation trenches now after seven loooong years, and believe me there were many many days when I thought I was going to die. DD is pushing 6 now and sleep has improved a lot this past year. It's fucking torture, and people who haven't experienced extended sleep deprivation will never be able to relate, but it's a real thing, there's nothing wrong with you or your children, sleep training is NOT always successful, and I'm here to tell you that you WILL survive and it WILL get better 💪🏻😘

We do try and catch up on a weekend and alternate days to have a lie in which helps. My husband is great thankfully

Wow poor you but glad you’re coming out of it. It’s such a long time you really don’t imagine it still going on when they’re older. Thank you, I needed to hear that. I feel like I’m doing everything ‘right’ it’s just not working. Makes me feel like it’s us considering both of our children have been terrible sleepers

I feel your pain OP. I’ve stopped trying to improve his sleep and started to try to get to bed earlier myself. That’s not working. Last night I even tried sleeping at 9:30pm, but nope, he woke up at 4:30am after a very restless night. My DS1 didn’t sleep through till he was 3… ironically it was the night I went into labor… so he slept through, I didn’t. 😂

My kid is also in my bedroom which I’m sure doesn’t help but it’s a catch22. I can’t move him till he sleep through the night (plan is for him to share a room with his brother).

im also 5 years with a handful of nights where I’ve slept 7 hours or more… its got to get better at some point?

I agree that positive reinforcement is good, but that’s just giving them a sticker after you’ve praised them. Of course they may like that, but with a concept that’s difficult for them to grasp, such as having stayed in bed all night, will they really associate it with the praised behaviour or realise that it’s meant to be a step to a future treat? I’m not convinced that an under two will get the connection. They really don’t have the cognitive development to properly understand a reward chart, the basis of which is delayed gratification and working towards a future reward. Most of the two year olds I’ve ever known live very much in the moment and would likely want to do anything with a sticker but stick it up on a designated chart, or if they did, it wouldn’t be because they understood the significance!

Huge sympathies OP I barely survived 5 years and when I say that my child DID NOT SLEEP, AT ALL, EVER, people just do not get it.

The helpful suggestions came thick and fast, the HV told me that there was nothing she could offer or suggest.

Nothing worked, nothing and it got much much worse during illness, teeth coming through, croup, tonsillitis, clocks turning back, going forward, light summer nights, noisy cars going past the house, rain on the roof/window…..so pretty much constantly horrific.

I was working full time shifts, on 4-5 hours broken sleep every night.

I felt nauseous, dizzy, seriously unwell and unsafe to care every single day. I have no idea how my child thrived on so little rest but they did.

I could not risk having another child like that so we waited years and years before trying again.

I also had no family support, it was me & dh surviving together. I fantasised about locking the door on a breastfeeding room in Boots and sleeping on the floor one day, I was utterly broken.
At 5, full time school he finally slept for 7 solid hours. I thought he had died in the night and ran into the room in panic, terror. Still sleeping I couldn’t believe it. Things got better from then but still illness made it bad again.

I get you OP 100% I get you and can tell you that now as a young adult I can’t get him up in the morning. His favourite place is his bed.
No fucking idea how I got through it, hardest time of my parenting life!

At 2 years old they're too old to sleep train. I'd get a kind size bed and sleep with both of them, at least you'll get a full night of undisturbed sleep

i mean this is why we stopped at 1. You need to switch to a bed and you need to permanently stop the nap. It isn’t making a difference as it’s not consistent.

@Ginagogothe split nights probably lasted age 12 months to 2 years (ex husband left when they were around 15 months) 2 years onwards stopped the split nights but has always been the worst sleeper! He could run a marathon and not go to sleep until 930pm and be up at 530am with a wake up inbetween !! Age 4 I put him in a bunk bed at the top - I stick a few toys up there and leave him to it!

My daughter woke hourly. She would wake screaming. I would settl her and go back to bed only to be woken up 45 minutes later with murderous screaming. She started to improve at 4. She droped to 2 wakes and then at 6 she sleeps through. No amount of sleep traininv helped. We are currently on the duel pathway fir ADHD and Autism.

What time do each of your children go to bed? What time do you start and what time are they actually asleep? What times do they wake and how long are they awake for? What time do they wake for the day? What time and length are naps?

There's loads of things that could need tweaked for things to improve. What have you tried so far?

My youngest won’t co sleep so that wouldn’t help

I’m too tired to go through it all haha!!

So 4yo up at 5.30/6am, doesn’t nap and goes to bed around 8/8.30pm (I try earlier as she’s visibly exhausted but she won’t go) she wakes up around 1/2am crying and carrying on, comes in our bed but tosses and turns, talking and pestering us on and off for over an hour

almost 2 yo, up at 6 ish but this varies, nap around 12 for 1 hour ish, this also varies I’ve tried shorter naps, longer naps, pushing the nap later or trying it earlier. Then bed around 8pm, again we try earlier as she’s exhausted.

Then usually she’s awake 10, 12, 1, 2.30…. And so on…

Not all children are the same. Like not all pets are. One of our cats was happy for us to shut the bedroom door and she slept downstairs, the current cat scratches the door all night and digs up the carpet so now the doors have to be left open and she pleases herself who she sleeps with, but she chooses never to sleep alone.

My child did not sleep well either, until we gave in and got a huge bed and everyone slept together. That way we all got a decent night's sleep. Eventually they moved to their own room of their own accord. Honestly, why fight nature?

Mine were like that. I ended up just leaning into it. Bedtime for everyone at the same time and I turned off all the lights and headed upstairs to lie down at 8.30pm. They came up because being downstairs in the dark on their own was no fun/scary. Everyone went to bed in one bed. Then (if I had the energy) I'd pop the youngest in their own bed asleep and go hang out in the older one's room and watch something on the ipad and have a glass of wine. It was a private joke in my head that I should really redecorate DC1's room to my own taste, given I was the one who spent most time in it!

I’ve said multiple times on here she won’t co sleep with us? If she’d sleep with us and we all got some sleep I’d have done it months ago but thanks for the advice I don’t care where she sleeps, she can sleep hanging upside down on the towel rail if she likes, as long as she sleeps

Thanks for the details. I don't suppose you want suggestions since you've tried everything already. They both sound overtired and might need a consistent earlier bedtime to get out of the overtired cycle. Might be an idea to have a trip to the doctors to check for any other reasons and a call with a sleep consultant if nothing is found.

Would sleeping all in the same room but on separate mattresses be an option? Or whichever one won’t co-sleep separate and the rest together? My daughter has had issues with sleep for a long time (we are awaiting Audhd assessment). A change of bed worked twice, for a while each time, so hopefully if you can get a different bed that will help.

Ah god OP I really feel for you. I had one not terrible sleeper and one horrendous sleeper. I didn’t sleep properly for 3 years. To be brutally honest the best thing to do is to impose a zero tolerance regime! It is genuinely better for everyone that you all get a decent sleep. Sort the bed/dinner/whatever and TELL your DD what’s happened. She’s clearly a bright little girl so she will understand (she won’t like it but tough).
DD this is what’s happening. If you mess around you’ll be put back to bed every time and mummy and daddy will be cross.
I don’t think it will take as long as you fear and honestly you will have forgotten it all in a few months.
Good luck!

As if you’d attempt to sleep train for weeks on end! You’d really suffer for that long and stand by while baby is in distress?

Gah I remember this so well. I was up 10 times a night for a good while. They’re both adults now and I never see them! One is close but too busy and the other is in Australia. Makes you wonder eh

I was convinced I couldn’t put my son down awake for ages and the idea of cry to sleep horrified me. He got given a tonie box for his 3rd bday and I tried out putting him down and playing the music (Disney baby songs) and it worked! I couldn’t believe it. I watched him on the monitor listening to the songs and eventually lying down and going to sleep. It’s now our routine and he knows that means bedtime now. Sometimes it doesn’t work and he needs a cuddle but mostly he can go to bed on his own now. I’d recommend tonie box for sure

We have a tonie box and we used to do the same when she was a bit younger, it’s not as effective now as she just likes to swap the tonies constantly 🤣

I’d love an earlier bedtime but they won’t go 😩 I definitely haven’t tried everything, but everything I can think of myself!