Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I know it probably seems super overwhelming at the moment but it does get easier. It's very tough when you haven't got support either to give you a break. A few things to try:

1. Co-sleeping like others suggested. Someone already suggested it but I used to sleep on my side breast feeding and rolled away.
2. Try a white noise machine or Glo light - we got a Euan the sheep and it seemed to help
3. I imagine with being so tired you're not leaving the house much so maybe try taking baby in the pram for a walk and trying to get them to sleep that way and head home as soon as they are and get a quick nap then.
4. Encourage your mum to try feeding with a bottle - the baby will do the work. I'd never fed a baby before having one..never even held a newborn. She'll be fine. Also, could she try to baby wear them? It might help comfort them and the more she holds them, the more comfortable they'll be with her.
5. I recommend this to all my friends because it was a godsend for us - if baby seems to suffer with wind / reflux, try the Babymoov Cosydream. We found our little one slept sooooo much better on this. It's the one thing we said we wished we'd had from birth
6. Finally, I 100% agree about not letting baby cry but if it is getting dangerous, try to leave baby with your mum even if they're crying. As long as someone is with them comforting them, they will know they have someone there and will be ok. It's just very important you get some sleep to be there safely for your baby.
7. Explore reflux issues - there's a few drops that can be added to milk for this (I forget the names!). Some babies are just Velcro babies though...if that's the case I would definitely try co-sleeping for your own sanity and safety.

You have my utmost sympathy, I went through this and it left me with PND and suicidal, it went on for 6 months.
in hindsight I think he had reflux.

I regret insisting on breastfeeding and wish id just given him formula.

Period! My son was formula fed and legitimately didn't sleep until he was 5!
I couldn't produce.
His temperament and sleep needs were low.
Nothing I did, including 5 meals a day and milk in the night (at nursery) got him to sleep!!

It's wild the low key micro aggressions we put all mothers through in this way.

SIDS

COT DEATH

@Jennifer48 ignore this very dangerous suggestion

Anytime you’re pro breastfeeding, it is apparently formula shaming.

Ive personally been shamed more for giving breast feeding advice (nicely, it’s not my business if you take it or not), harassed for feeding in public and every issue my child had the first year was blamed on breastfeeding. Her poor sleep was blamed even though her bottle fed cousin is also a bad sleeper.

Other women can be really nasty about breastfeeding. The OP probably feels very bad about breastfeeding considering majority of posts are downplaying her work to build a supply and telling her to just grab a bottle as that’s why baby is fussy. I remember how tough it was for me persevering with breastfeeding past the formula lobby.

OP - feed how you like and what works for you and your baby. But please don’t think poor sleep is anything you’re doing wrong with breast feeding. If you’d like to continue, please get support from your local breast feeding group and HV. The first few weeks are brutal especially solo. Please reach out to any family and friends you have for help.

This is INCREDIBLY unsafe! Do not ever advise anyone to do this ever again!

I highly suggest you research safe sleep advice because advising someone to do this could result in the death of their baby!

Just because you did it and got away with it does not make it safe. That’s called anecdotal evidence and cannot be replied upon!

Young babies cannot roll themselves over and the risk of suffocation if they are put down on their front is so high!

Generally it’s considered safe to allow your baby to continue sleeping on their front if they themselves have rolled over into that position, but they should never, ever be placed in that position when put down to sleep. They need to be on their back, feet to the bottom of the crib, with nothing else in the crib with them (toys, cot bumpers, pillows etc). That is the safest way for a baby to sleep as per YEARS of research into safe sleeping.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/baby-safety/safer-sleep-information/safer-sleep-overview/

I’ve reported your posts for being unnecessarily abusive and for promoting unsafe sleep advice.

Front sleeping increases SIDS risk by a huge amount. Bed sharing comes with risks (suffocation not SIDS) but as long as it’s done safely then the risks are minimal. No one is proclaiming to be an expert but you are giving dangerous advice

It has nothing to do with freedom of speech. From the mid 1990s the advice given by health care professionals has been to put newborns on their backs, feet to the bottom of the cot and not to put other items in the cot. Between me having my first and my last the advice changed,which is exactly what happens with any medical advice. It's important to keep up to date with medical advice to do the best we can for ourselves and our loved ones.

Many posters have linked to experts who have done the research

I did not miss the point of your reply. The advice is our of date. Giving out of date advice is not helpful. And can be dangerous.

All totally normal, but of course exhausting.
you have a few options. Look at safe bedsharing. There is also a way to safely chest sleep - look up cosleepy on instagram and the lullaby trust.
You could also take it in turns with your partner (assuming you have one) and do a shift each. Often, a baby will sleep on someone’s chest for a few hours at the start of the night. Your partner could take this shift while you get some sleep before switching.

I mentioned earlier on that I don't have a partner. I know there have been loads of responses so you must have missed it

How are you doing OP ?

Hi OP

You said you tried co-sleeping and it didn't work. Can you say how?

Is it that baby didn't sleep at all, or wanted to feed or woke up when you put it down?

Or that you couldn't sleep?

If the baby only sleeps in an upright or semi upright position then I would suspect reflux and you can speak to GP or health visitor. And after feeding it will need winded until it let's out a big burp. Could be up to half an hour for my first and it feels like an eternity when you're exhausted.

Safely bed share, saved my sanity. Do all sleeps/naps in the shared bed and try and sleep too. Give up on all semblance of a tidy house etc. partner and friends need to cook and hold the baby so you can wash. Survival mode, for a few weeks until you find your rhythm.

Last night and this morning was so, so hard. He had breastfeed in eaxh breast, followed by 25 ml of formula, still ravenous Igabe him an hour later 40 ml of expressed milk, a few minutes later 25 ml more of Cow & Gate and he was still howling. I tried putting his head on or above my shoulder with me I a standing position, rubbing his back continuously (which is what I understand hy "winding" him although correct me if I'm wrong- a maternity assistant someone at the hospital told me I should pat his back, not violently obviously, but firmly). I changed his nappy and his clothes which had been stained by the poo.
None of that had any effect. He cried on an on. He finally fell asleep around 6 a.m. in the bed beside me, both of us exhausted.

When I say that co-sleeping didn't work until he was beyond exhausted, I mean that he wouldn't settle and cried. When I put him down from my arms - on a flat bed, on the mattress of his pram, even swaddled tightly with white nose on my phone in the cup-holder if his pram so he'd hear it well- he just kept crying.

I am appreciative for all recommendations and suggestions, I'm afraid I do not have the time to reply individually to every comment because, quite simply, my baby is always in my arms or on a pillow in front of me and on the few times he does sleep or my sister can settle him, I run to get a shower or try to shut my eyes for an hour. I am scared by comments that say their baby was like this until he or she was seven months or a year old or whatever, because I'm just dreading one more night like last night, I can not be a good mum if I have to endure nights like last night for several more months. I don't know whether to invest in some of the things people have recommended (Owlet, Ewan the sheep, etc) because some are costly and don't know whether they are have any difference.
I feel so bad. It is getting dangerous at night: I couldn't leave him to change my maternity pad, go to the toilet or apply Canestan to my private parts (the mid-wife on Sunday thought I may have thrush and recommended canestan).
It was so horrific last night that I thought I am not going to be able to keep him.

I mean this very kindly. Your baby won't come to harm if you have to leave him in a safe place while you shower, use the toilet etc. If he's in a cot, he won't come to harm. And again, kindly, some babies just don't like to be fussed. Or swaddled. I never winded mine either. Some cultures never wind a baby.
Is it dark and quiet in the room?
Please talk to your health visitor again. It's hard for you if you don't have anyone else to help regularly. I wish I could give you more help.

Rather than attempting to put him down to sleep, can you just breastfeed him side laying in the bed? Just make sure baby is on their back and you lay on your side in the ‘cuddle curl’ position I think it’s called. Check all blankets etc are away from baby, waist height tucked around you is usually fine. You should find that the feeding hormones actually make you sleepy too and you may fall asleep while he’s feeding but as long as you’ve set yourselves up safely to start with, this should be fine.

There’s lots of new advice that breastfed babies don’t always need burping after a feed, so if it’s the only way you’ll both get some sleep at the moment, I’d just let him feed to sleep while you’re comfortable and safe enough too. X

OP has he been tested for tongue tie? Sometimes it can be missed. It means he would not be able to get enough milk so is constantly hungry… pls ask your midwife or health visitor to check xx