Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I breast fed for 8 months and nearly lost my mind from lack of sleep. Looking back i wish id just swapped to formula and been able to enjoy those months more. There is so much pressure to do everything "perfectly" but there is no perfect. Just doing the best that circumstances allow

I’ve only read OP’s posts so apologies if I am repeating what others say.

1. is the Moses basket /cot too cold. Humans are toasty warm, so this transition is tricky. They can’t just be popped in, it is a delicate manoeuver
2. the contented baby book has quite detailed explanations about this, and I recommend it.
3. is he properly winded? BF babies absolutely do need the same amount of winding as bottle fed.
4. How much sleep is he getting overall?
5. I do agree that feeding at night should be in the dark, and straight back to sleep for both.
6. I also agree that there are little cries that the baby can get themselves back to sleep through and a different cry where they need attention, now. It is good to give them the chance to get back to sleep.
7. what do you mean by you MH has taken a hit? Are you getting help.

Top tips from a mum who has ebf for a total of 12 years.

• Learn to bf on your side and follow all safe co-sleeping guidelines.

• Try an electric swing. Some babies love motion. I was like you with my first baby, absolutely sleep deprived. One evening I fed her and put her in the swing with my husband watching her. He woke me up 6 hours later! I could not believe so much time had passed.

• Don't give formula top ups if you can avoid it. They interfere with supply. Baby isn't using you as a dummy, they are actively stimulating your milk supply. This early period will pass, but there will be more growth spurts when feeding becomes more intense. They typically last a few days. So many people give up at these points because they feel their supply is low, when Baby is actually doing what is biologically normal and encouraging greater supply. The different composition of formula vs bm can also cause stomach upsets in some babies.

Co sleeping was the only that worked for my daughter.

Personally I would top up feed after the last feed at night. Don’t replace a breast feed as if you stop your body will produce less milk. Breast feed normally then top up on either EBM or formula that should give you a couple of hours. I always feel a tired mom milk quality dips if sleep deprived there is research about it. You might only have to do for a couple of feeds. Feeding in bed is fine but co sleeping not so sure about. Found baby one day right under a mothers breast, she was so upset, I was panicked she was panicked but baby was fine certainly showed what could happen with cosleeping especially if on your own.
ask anyone you know to come & help mind the baby why you try & catch up on sleep. Bet you the neighbours will help, but you have to ask, nobody knows you are struggling. Best of luck. Sending hugs.

@Jennifer48 I hear you. It is absolutely draining. It’s meaningless to hear ‘it will get better in 6 weeks/6 months/18 years’. You need help now, today, before you lose the plot. I was like you, with my newborn son. I was out of my mind. Like one other poster said, hallucinating spiders, ghosts, demons the lot. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason. Firstly, talk to your midwife/health visitor and make it plain that you are not in a good place. I hid it for 16 weeks and then the wheels came off and I started to get help. I wasn’t a single parent but my DH worked extremely early shifts so I was on my own for most of the day and then he would need to go to bed at 8.30pm
My son was always hungry. I found out later that he’d had a tongue tie so he probably wasn’t feeding as well has he might have. Get that checked.
If you haven’t already, try swaddling. That helped a bit. There are new swaddles now called Swaddlini that look great.
Breastfeed lying down.
Ask your mum to take care of you so that you can take care of the baby. That means ask her to feed you, do the washing, keep on top of everything else so that you can just focus on sleeping and feeding.
Formula made no difference to his sleep.
Do not ever read Gina Ford books.
Take every day, one day at a time.
When I read posts like this I wish I had a magic cape I could put on and swoosh down to support new mums.

How about a night nanny, OP?

Please ask your midwife or health visitor for some advice. They are there to help.
It's normal for babies to be nocturnal for the first couple of months. You could ask family/friends to have the baby for a few hours in the daytime so you can sleep for a few hours each day (better than nothing). If the baby cries without you they could try a sling or baby carrier and walk round with the baby to soothe them.
Formula worked for getting my babies to sleep through the night but it doesn't work for all babies and, if you do, try to keep breastfeeding as well, at least for a few months. Xxx

Oh poor you 💐 my eldest was like that and even in his 20s he likes having people around much more than his siblings. When he was old enough to sit safely in a bouncy chair I found he’d briefly nap in that without being held. Nursery was confident they’d be able to put him down in a cot for a nap, they had to resort to a bouncy chair. I co-slept in the end but that’s not ideal. Have you tried a cot attached to your bed? A heartbeat noise in a teddy helped a little with getting him to sleep without being on me.
More than 2 decades later I still vividly remember how broken I felt with the lack of sleep and I moved him to bottles early to try and get enough food into him at a time that he’d briefly sleep.

I had the exact same experience, with the added stress of a premature baby with intra-uterine growth restriction, so it was hugely important she is breastfed hourly and gains weigth promptly.

Baby was co-sleeping with me and breastfeeding all night - she literally spent all day and night attached to me the first few weeks, my boob was a replacement for the umbilical cord. Because the risk of SIDS is higher with preemies, especially so in the early months, my husband would stay awake and work from our bedroom, making sure she's breathing and I don't roll over her, while I slept and she breastfed.

I'm sharing this, because it's kind of assumed that family members can't help a breastfeeding mum, but that's very wrong. I realize that DH's WFH and with complete flexibility was hugely helpful and not everyone has that, but I'm sharing my experience in case you have someone who can watch over you both while you sleep. I found also sleeping and breastfeeding extremely restful, the oxytocin release, I suppose.

We proceeded to then co-sleep normally when it felt safe enough (I think she was 7 months corrected age and SIDS risk was significantly decreased). Prior to having her, I didn't plan to co-sleep, but we then found it was the best option for us.

How was last night @Jennifer48?
My little one is 9 weeks old so I can definitely sympathise and relate. I made a post on here a few weeks ago asking if 15 minutes of sleep a night was normal! Things do get better but the early first few weeks are really hard ❤️
My boy is also a bit of a velcro baby, what I've found works is feeding him to sleep then moving him up on to my chest, sitting up and he's already in his sleeping bag, holding him while he sleeps for 20-30 minutes which seems to help with any reflux and let's him get into a deep enough sleep to be able to move him, then rolling him down and onto the bed next to me, it took a bit of practice to sort of roll and flip him but it does seem to work most times. If I'm trying to get him to sleep in his cot that only works if he's really tired, and i let him sleep on me again for 20 odd minutes, before I transfer him and keep my hand on his chest and pat/rock him a bit once he's lying down. As others have said look up safe co sleeping, I didn't get to grips with breast feeding but you're doing really well to be doing that and that's another safety measure for co sleeping. Its really cold sleeping without the duvet especially when you're sleep deprived and recovering post partum so layers are your friend. If you're worried about co sleeping maybe you could try it during the day with your mum popping in to check on your baby regularly. I don't want to advise on breast feeding or switching to formula just because I've not got experience of that, mine has been on formula from day 3 I think it was. I was also starting to hallucinate with the sleep deprivation, and so jealous of the dog who could go to sleep through the noise but I promise it will get better but now is the time to ask for all the help from everyone you can - I didn't do that and should have done.
If your mum can take your baby for a walk even for an hour to sit in the park or something, an hours sleep makes such a difference. Sorry if you've said and I've missed it but is the dad allowed contact and would you trust him to take baby for an hours walk, again just so you can sleep.
Infacol is good for colic is that's a problem, and once the umbilical cord has fallen off fully then a bath might help relax little one enough to help sleep somewhere that isn't you.

Swaddle. Cracked it for us immediately.

The only thing that worked for me was after a long breast feed when I knew baby’s tummy was full, stopping to swaddle and putting a dummy in then putting her back in a BF position (but instead of feeding she would be happily sucking dummy at this point- we called it the bait and switch lol) and then a few mins later putting her into Moses basket.

Other tips

• cozy blanket on top of Moses basket mattress (you can tuck the sides under the mattress for safety but a swaddled baby isn’t going to be able to tug anything anyway)
• hot water bottle to warm blanket before putting baby in
• books under one end of Moses basket legs can help if reflux is an issue
• white noise, white noise, white noise!

Sympathies. My youngest DC didn’t sleep longer than 2-3 hours in a go for 3 years and was awake at 5:30am. I had to co-sleep to keep my sanity for older DC’s sake.

It’s literally torture and put an end to the idea of having another baby.

You’ll get through it. Hope you can get some help to rest in the day.

I find the responses from people saying a 2 week old baby needs to sleep in a cot/ in a room on their own and then following that up with "they can do it because mine did and here's what I did to achieve it" extremely misguided. I've read a few here that seem to suggest that the mum can't be doing it right (it will work if you make sure it's dark, feed them first, don't talk) and then there are the "leave the baby to cry - how will they know it's OK if they never try to sleep on their own". On further questioning, what often comes out is "it worked for me, I only had to leave my baby to cry for 5 minutes", proving the point that they probably have not dealt with a similar situation at all. What happens if they haven't stopped crying after 5 minutes, what happens if you go back to the cot and they can't be soothed by a few softly spoken words and a few pats on the bum? You're not supposed to pick them back up, but say that's the only thing you can do because now baby is hyperventilating (and I've even heard some mums say their baby was so distressed that they vomited). So now you've picked baby up, maybe they go back to sleep after another 20-30 mins. You held them for a bit to make sure... you try to put them down again and instantly the whole saga starts again. So now not only are you not getting any sleep but baby isn't either.
I'm never quite sure what they're trying to get at. It's almost like they assume some mums are just picking up baby at the slightest grizzle and it'll all work out if they just persevere. If their baby went to sleep after being left a short while because they never really got that worked up, then chances are they had a completely different scenario going on.

Mine are now teens but I still remember how brutal those newborn days were with my eldest. It took me 5 months to try co-sleeping and then I was nervous and only did it for naps. With my second I starting co-sleeping on the second night and it was a godsend. I’m not saying it made everything easy but definitely did make a difference, I would lay DS next to me to feed, we’d both be laying down and he’d then not be disturbed after he fell asleep as I didn’t need to move him. I know a lot of people worry about co-sleeping but it can be done safely if the guidance is followed (make sure you check guidance on blankets, don’t do it if you’ve had alcohol or strong medication etc).

With my eldest before I tried co-sleeping, in the evenings I would feed DD and then go to bed while my husband took her for a walk round the block in a sling, and then she’d stay asleep in the sling for 2 or 3 hours while he sat and watched tv or played games. I’d then at least get a bit of sleep before the nightshift. Would your mum be willing to try something like that or would that worry her? Could she take baby for walks in a pram?

While what you’re going through is “normal” it doesn’t take away how absolutely brutal this stage is. The number of little old ladies who’d stop me in the street and tell me this was the best stage! It’s not, it’s the hardest stage by a long way - each age has it’s good and bad but nothing sucks like newborn sleep deprivation- it gets better I promise.

How do you know it wouldn’t be helpful? You don’t.

It’s not an awful post and you should be ashamed of yourself expecting a new mother who is struggling on very little sleep to carry on doing what she’s doing to make you feel better. I breast fed my children but if I’d been having the awful time the OP is having I’d have changed what I was doing. Stop trying to make the OP feel guilty.

But the point is it’s not the breastfeeding that’s the problem! And there is absolutely NO link between formula feeding and more sleep. None. So encouraging a breastfeeding mother to stop is completely absurd.

@Jennifer48

Co sleeping and feeding lying down is a life saver. Did it with both of mine.

I said absolutely nothing to make her feel guilty. My first post was completely supportive. Telling someone who is successfully breastfeeding to jack it in st the 2 week mark is anything but supportive. Can you imagine the hormone fallout? And it won’t get her any more sleep. Absolute nonsense. Do better.

Sure other people have been along with the same advise but things that helped mine sleep...

• white noise machine. Mine liked ewan the sheep

-next to me crib, so I could lean in and settle/transfer them

-swaddling with a blanket or one of the sleeping bags without arms.

Just remember if you need 5 mins it's okay to put them down. Have you got any friends perhaps who have had children that might come help for a few hours during the day?

If you're switching for formula look at paced feeding.

It will pass!

OP, this is so hard, but your baby is only days old really. I would definitely agree with co-sleeping. You can learn to breastfeed on your side. Keep baby in a grow bag and place them above your bedding. Then you can keep them snuggled close to you in safety. Also do try a sling, so you can wear your baby and get things done at the same time.

The main thing that changed my breastfeeding journey was following the lullaby trust guidance around co sleeping and joining the Uk Co sleepers forum on Facebook for advice.

Most modern parenting advice is directed toward formula feeders unintentionally and it often derails breastfeeding which needs a different approach.

Once I could start lying down to feed in a safe setting and sacked off the ‘transition to cot’ nonsense I got far more sleep. I credit safe bed sharing for me being able to continue breastfeeding those first 6 months. But it has to be done SAFELY. Please read the advice properly including on the correct kind of mattress, no bedding, safe clothes etc.

Formula isn’t always the answer, sometimes it’s the luck of the drawer on your child’s temperament. Breastfeeding is often vilified as the culprit due to lack of education and societies leaning towards formula.

I co-slept with my LG there are safe ways to do it. Look into it see if its for you. Only way I got any sleep. Do you have a support system if so try to express so that others can feed the baby to let you sleep. Speak with HV PND is so common and there are ways to help. ❤and remember this will pass it will get easier and yiur doing amazing.

Co sleeping is now recommended and is advocated for at prenatal classes. My midwife taught me how before ds even arrived - the logic now being that it's safer to co sleep in a proper set up than it is to accidentally Co sleep in an unsafe position which is where most fatalities in a Co sleeping environment occur.