11 year (yes, YEAR!!) old not sleeping in own bed

[Baxterbaxter]

My just-turned 11 year old cannot sleep in his own bed, by himself, through the night.

It started when he was a baby; he had awful asthma / bad croup and would stop breathing, so I would keep him with me in case of an episode. This happened a few times; each time we rushed him to hospital as he just couldn’t breathe.

He eventually grew out of this but he could only go to sleep if we lay down with him. Guaranteed, he would wake during the night and come into my bed.

Skip forward a few years, and this is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He has just gone into year 6 and he refused to go on the residential as he cannot sleep alone.

DH and I are at breaking point, so we have decided he has got to learn to put himself down. We have a 9 year old DD who is a great sleeper - she can put herself to sleep and stays asleep for 12 hours - no issues at all.

Tonight is the second night where we have put DS to sleep; DH laid with him the first night in his own bed, the lamp was on and he has calming music playing. DS was in our room for 3 hours throughout this night, saying he couldn’t sleep. Each time we put him back to bed. Eventually, he went into DD’s bed to sleep. DH and I work full time so we were shattered yesterday, as was DD as DS just moves around constantly (we didn’t realise he went into DD’s room, I found him there in the morning). Tonight is going in the same vein; I lay with him initially and then, bang on midnight, DS is in our room, saying he can’t sleep / can’t close his eyes. He tried to go back into DD’s bed but I got him back out, I must’ve put him back in his own bed at least 15 times over the last 3 hours. My poor DH is driving 6+ hours for work tomo, so I’m trying to let him sleep. He is still up now, walking around, saying he can’t sleep.

What do I do?! I know we have made a rod for our own backs by letting DS come into our bed all these years, even though it was with the best intentions initially as we were concerned about his health.

Do we just ignore him when he gets up, persevere with putting him straight back to sleep? I’m so tired. It’s like having a newborn again.

I think 11 is old enough to have a gentle conversation about how it's unfair that he's disturbing everyone's sleep and it then makes it difficult for them to cope with the day being exhausted and struggling to function. He should absolutely not be climbing in with his sister - if it's not nipped in the bud, then what? He'll still be doing it at 14/15 years, not fair on her at all. I think a later bedtime would help (my nearly 11 year old and 12 year old go to bed at 9.30pm), and also a weighted blanket. He needs to be taught coping mechanisms that don't involve waking others up in the night. The nits episode shows he is capable.

This was exactly me except I slept on the floor of my parents’ room.

And I have ADHD and anxiety!

Neither diagnosed until well into adulthood though.

I wouldn't treat this as a big thing tbh. If you can find a way to fix it so everyone in the house gets a good night's sleep, then I don't think you should bother coming down hard on it. Apart for disturbing siblings, which is an absolute no for all the reasons given, it's not like this is deliberate bad behaviour.

Children don't have unlimited intellectual and emotional capacity and, as parents, I do think that we have to give some thought to the demands that we make of them. If you make your DS stay unhappily in his room, perhaps awake and anxious for hours on end, then you are taking away from his intellectual, physical and emotional capacity to manage more important aspects of his life, such as friendships and schoolwork. And I'd question if the trade-off is worth it.

I was a child who was often awake for hours at night and I would never have dreamed of disturbing my parents, but I was often very tired the next day, emotionally fragile and had difficulty concentrating in school. I can't fault my parents - they were very loving parents but had a lot of demands and pressures on them from all angles so were very intolerant of obviously "awake" children after bedtime - but I have done things differently with my own children.

I completely agree. That's how we managed our son's sleep issues as well. We experimented with different approaches, but ultimately, prioritizing good quality sleep was key. It didn't bother me much if he joined me in bed from my side; he would sometimes cuddle with me for a very short time (like 10 seconds) if he had nightmares, and often I wouldn’t even notice he was there until morning. However, it did disrupt my husband's sleep if he came over from his side, so we decided that he could only come to my side. Having a super king-size bed helped. For once or twice, he tried sleeping on the carpet in his sister's room, but she found the noise disturbing and asked him to leave. He understood the situation and promised to be brave, but managing his nighttime fears proved difficult. Given his autism traits, we felt that he had been doing really well at school and his chosen sport which requires a lot of commitment, and this issue wasn’t worth turning into a conflict (though we did try and it didn’t work out). We are so relieved that this issue has been recently resolved by having a dog sleep with him at night, even though he is already 13. One way or another, kids will grow out of it. If you can find ways for everyone to get good rest, it's really not a big deal.

Maybe the parents that buy into this 'rod for your own back' bollocks are actually the ones who are making the biggest rod for their own backs, when their adult DC have no relationship with them after their parents spent their whole childhood making sure that they were emotionally distant in order to create their perfect little robot.

I agree, not fair and shouldn’t continue but the poster I quoted was stated it was disgusting which is a different thing altogether

DT’s slept in separate cots in separate rooms from six months old. It has had zero impact on the close bond we have - they are now mid 20’s. We now live in different continents but message multiple times a day, FaceTime each week and visit on a regular basis. Am pleased we have raised happy, healthy and confident adults.

That sounds perfectly normal. I mean the parents that refuse to respond to their DC for fear of 'making a rod for their own back'.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent Thank you, I will check them out

I agree, not fair and shouldn’t continue but the poster I quoted stated it was disgusting which is a different thing altogether

So glad I came across this today as we're going through similar with my 10 year old. It really does help knowing others are in the same miserable boat!

DS has always been a worrier and would have the occasional nightmare and wake us and refuse to go back to sleep, but was always quite happy laying in his own bed reading a book until morning.
This all changed at the start of this year. He from that point has flat out refused to sleep in his room. He would cry, wail, hyperventilate, and so on disturbing everyone in the house (including my 9 month old!). To everyone saying to just be firm and make him, that's easier said than done - I'm certainly not sure how to achieve this!? In the early days I tried being tough. Making him go back through every time he came in- it didn't work, we would end up all night with him in and out of the room. Every night was awful, every night a battle. So in the end I caved and he sleeps in a sleeping bag on the floor.

I have tried bribery, I have tried removing things from him (screen time- which usually motivates him), I have tried reasoning with him and talking to him about how we both need our own space. Nothing has worked and at the moment I just don't know what to do. I can't, and wouldn't want to, physically manhandle him back into his bed.

I have spoken to him about going to see a Dr or therapist but he gets upset at the thought of it. He was also a late stage bedwetter- only stopped that for the most part at the end of last year - and has a couple of little vocal tics. I do wonder if they're all possibly connected.

I send my sympathies. It's a horrible situation, I do wish I had the answers!

Look. You have to accept it's inappropriate for him to get into DD's bed with the ridiculous excuse he can't sleep. You need to ensure your daughter is safe. I'm sorry if anyone thinks I'm being disgusting but we all know this happens, have experiences and it needs to be called out.

Sorry and off topic, but at that age weren't you very aware you might disrupt your parents having sex? I was very paranoid about this probably from age 12ish up

I don't really see the issue in any child sleeping in their parents room on a separate bed if they need to to help manage their anxiety. Parents need to sometimes make sacrifices to help their children.

Involving their sibling in helping them overcome their anxiety is a big 'no' though and not just because it might disrupt the sibling's sleep. In any way implying this is the sibling's responsibility to solve is going to create huge resentment at best and at worst extremely distorted and dangerous lack of boundaries.

Would OP be happy if a boy on residential gets in her DD's bed because 'he needs help sleeping'? I think not, why erode her boundaries about male entitlement like this? It's dangerous.

Hi - sorry maybe someone has already suggested this. My DD use to wake often - and a weighted blanket, white noise in the background and sleep rescue remedy bachs works. Also give her a magnesium supplements and a sleep routine helps; warm bath / wind down time.

What I'd do is make it clear he doesn't have to sleep but does have to make sure he doesn't disturb anybody else's sleep. So he can stay in his room and read / have a night light / maybe headphones and an audio book. Eventually he'll get tired enough to sleep alone. Consider if there are differences in the feel of your bedding and his bedding/ whether a big body pillow would help.

What are you saying to your son and why can’t he just come in for a snuggle then you walk him all sleepy back to bed?

My 13 yo DS was a nightmare sleeper but hey think of it this way most adults don’t sleep on their own so why should our kids? It’s only fairly recently in history that kids and parents have not all slept in the same room/bed.
I never moaned at my son for his rubbish sleeping and he now sleeps perfectly fine all by himself (all be it in his own double bed) all through the night.

Get your daughter a lock for her bedroom door.
Not for one minute suggesting anything untoward
That said: you must teach them both that consent is important
Your daughter is entitled to privacy & peace & protection jn her own bed.

I do feel for you and your sons anxiety but it is time to cut the apron strings & parent properly.

You definitely don’t sound like a soft touch.

We keep one of those thick self-inflating camping mats behind out door and if our daughter (also 11) wakes up scared, she just comes in with her pillow and duvet and camps on the floor, I often don't even hear her come in nowadays.

That.

a mattress on the floor for a few nights then move the mattress away as time passes.

gosh. You both must be exhausted. But you are doing great and he will sleep in his bed! Onwards 🌺

Apologies if you’ve already said this isn’t possible but a mattress on the floor for him sounds like a good option to ease him into his own room eventually. Give him the option of coming in if he needs to, but not into your bed, and you will drop an arm down to comfort him for a bit if he’s worried, but that’s it.

It sounds like he’s got lots of good reasons to be anxious, between being in and out of hospital as a child and bullied at school. The way you manage this is something he will remember so I would be abundantly present with your support and make sure he’s welcome in your room on your terms - because the only way people become healthily independent is by feeling fully supported.

i’m extremely independent and have been since I was a child because I didn’t have the support of my parents. They resented all of their children. It’s not a healthy independence.

Regarding the residential it may be worth speaking to a teacher. Our school had a pair of twins both in different tutor groups who slept together every night and due to that when the class was going away and the other class scheduled for a different time and place they had issues with one of the twins not wanting to go. I was contacted because my son was 10 at the time and occasionally would sleep with me if his dad was unwell so he would know if I was having a seizure in sleep. As a teacher knew this she figured it may be an idea to ask if my son would two up with this boy on agreeance from both parents and they could share a double airbed to sleep together. It actually ended up where all four boys in that dorm wanted to be on air bed and they slept together each night building a fort from excess blankets around it and had a fab time.

I was a bad sleeper from age 10 to 12. Old enough to be embarrassed by it but not old enough to rationalise my nighttime anxieties. I really didn't want to be that way and parents being cross and not giving in made it worse. I felt more anxious when they said they wouldn't come to me in the night. In the end my mum got some advice, not sure where from, maybe school nurse. In their recommendation a camp bed was set up in my parents room. I had to go to bed in my own room but could get up and go to their room whenever I needed to as long as I didn't wake them. This worked great. Pressure was really taken off and the negative association with sleep was gradually broken. Then one day around my 12th birthday we went shopping for new bedding. Nothing was mentioned about staying in my own bed but I really liked choosing new stuff and from that day I never went into their room again.

Our 9 year old has started doing this. It’s been months and we have tried everything. The last straws were the other week where we’d turned our lights out but continued talking about something that wasn’t meant for little ears. Son had sneaked into our room after waiting at the door until we’d turned off the lights. He popped up and questioned something he heard us say. My DH flipped his lid and shouted. At the weekend we were being intimate and he decided to come in without knocking. We waited an hour for him to settle as we can usually hear him padding about. He caught us ‘having a cuddle’ as that was what it looked like to him. Beyond a joke now. We’ve even put a bolt on our door but he goes and wakes up his brother when he can’t get in who is a bloody nightmare when woken up and even worse when he’s tired.
We are still in the process of talking it through, my DS doesn’t like to be alone and he is too high energy and fidgety for our dog who likes to sleep on his brothers bed. We have made a playlist on Alexa of soft Disney songs he can listen to, we make sure he’s had a good supper and is full, bath routine, reading and chats in his bed. I’ve even dug out his old cuddly toys for him to cuddle after he branded himself being too old for them and I leave a lavender wax warmer going until he goes to bed. We got two nights of him in his room and it’s all gone wrong again. Keeping the routine going until it’s cemented. There is nothing going on at school either, we’ve asked his teacher and DS is really frank about everything and very open. It’s awful. I’ve even stood on him in the morning when I get up for work and I get up 2hrs earlier than he does. He wakes tired and cranky after a foot in his face.
Sending you luck!!