11 year (yes, YEAR!!) old not sleeping in own bed

[Baxterbaxter]

My just-turned 11 year old cannot sleep in his own bed, by himself, through the night.

It started when he was a baby; he had awful asthma / bad croup and would stop breathing, so I would keep him with me in case of an episode. This happened a few times; each time we rushed him to hospital as he just couldn’t breathe.

He eventually grew out of this but he could only go to sleep if we lay down with him. Guaranteed, he would wake during the night and come into my bed.

Skip forward a few years, and this is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He has just gone into year 6 and he refused to go on the residential as he cannot sleep alone.

DH and I are at breaking point, so we have decided he has got to learn to put himself down. We have a 9 year old DD who is a great sleeper - she can put herself to sleep and stays asleep for 12 hours - no issues at all.

Tonight is the second night where we have put DS to sleep; DH laid with him the first night in his own bed, the lamp was on and he has calming music playing. DS was in our room for 3 hours throughout this night, saying he couldn’t sleep. Each time we put him back to bed. Eventually, he went into DD’s bed to sleep. DH and I work full time so we were shattered yesterday, as was DD as DS just moves around constantly (we didn’t realise he went into DD’s room, I found him there in the morning). Tonight is going in the same vein; I lay with him initially and then, bang on midnight, DS is in our room, saying he can’t sleep / can’t close his eyes. He tried to go back into DD’s bed but I got him back out, I must’ve put him back in his own bed at least 15 times over the last 3 hours. My poor DH is driving 6+ hours for work tomo, so I’m trying to let him sleep. He is still up now, walking around, saying he can’t sleep.

What do I do?! I know we have made a rod for our own backs by letting DS come into our bed all these years, even though it was with the best intentions initially as we were concerned about his health.

Do we just ignore him when he gets up, persevere with putting him straight back to sleep? I’m so tired. It’s like having a newborn again.

Has he got a clock in his room?

Tell him he can only come into your room and stay there after a certain time and then slowly extend the time limit - either honestly, or deviously by changing the time on the clock. Or a combination of both.
Also offer rewards for staying in bed longer. So eg the reward for staying in bed until 3am is better then the reward for staying in bed until 2am.
There's nothing wrong with bribery, but the rewards will have to be something he really likes.

Get a slim bed to go next to your bed and just let him sleep in it. Whatever is the matter, he needs you to get through it. In Britain, it seems to be some sort of cardinal sin if your child is in your room past a few months old. In other cultures, families sleep together. Your child needs you. Let him sleep in a slim bed next to yours. It won't be forever and just because it is not our "cultural norm", it doesn't mean it's not the right thing for this specific child.

What about a yoga mat and sleeping bag? Nothing too luxurious!

I kind of think that with the severity of the problem, that this won't work.

Should he clockwatch, trembling, until 2am and then as the clock strikes 2, run to his parents' bedroom?

Do you sleep with doors open or closed?

Should he clockwatch, trembling, until 2am and then as the clock strikes 2, run to his parents' bedroom?

I'd say yes. Hard measures are called for and should have been implemented years ago.

On the other hand @OP - I'm 100% sure he won't be sleeping in your bed when he's 16, so you could just wait it out.

This all sounds very familiar. DS had loads of health issues and is ND (ADHD). The stroking, the nightmares sound v similar. And probably the mixed messages, from me at least, since I rather loved having him close for a long time so I knew he was safe.

What has - eventually - worked for us is not one thing but a steady build up.

Loads of soft toys in the bed to give the feeling of comfort and closeness - one of them very large!
A double bed - so on the occasions I slept there I could make sure I had enough space but also could distance myself so he got closeness without contact.
Different fabrics of pillow cases - soft, silky, all different types, for the sensory input.
For a while, a canopy over the bed with glow in the dark stars.
Always a night light - currently a fully galaxy affair.
A brilliant podcast called Get Sleepy - but any night time audible book works.
Counselling to help him get tools to deal with anxiety.
Never 'shaming' him for it - he shamed himself quite enough. I always made it clear he would be ready when he was ready.

He is now 13 and earlier this year knowing he had a week's residential coming up I said, what do you reckon, I think you're ready, don't you? And he said yes, he wanted to stop it. We had about a week where I walked him back in the middle of the night as often as it took (3 times was the most). He's come through since May probably 5 times in total.

I think some kids need more security, for whatever reason, and he was one of them. We basically moved at his (glacial) pace and the transition has been pretty easy.

This might sound like a really weird idea but my nearly 15 year old often asks me to rub her feet while she goes to sleep lol erm sorry mate I'm not your personal foot rubber (although I do do it sometimes lol) she has just recently asked me for a teddy that has a breathing motion as she thinks that will help her sleep easier so I'm gonna see if that even exists lol.

OP my twelve year old has only been reliably sleeping in his own room for about 6 months so I feel your pain. I know people are shouting at you to just be firm etc but I'm guessing they've never been in the position of listening to their child crying their eyes out in their room alone at bedtime.

Things we did ;
Agreed that every night he must at least try to sleep in his bed so he got into the routine of going to bed.
We bought him a kindle which he was allowed to read if he woke up until he felt able to try to sleep. This actually worked well as he didn't get up and put a light on or disturb anyone and the combination of the dark and reading often made him nod off.
Had a reward - in his case a 5ft long teddy that he was desperate for. The agreement was a month of good sleep to get the teddy.
Grown up conversation about the impact - on my ability to concentrate at work, on his school trips going into secondary school etc. with this though it was kept calm and matter of fact - no shouting, no ordering him to bed etc. just laying out how it might affect him.

The key was he had to WANT to do it, no amount of firm parenting or boundaries are going to help if the desire to get over it isn't there, so you'll need to find what will motivate him. I'd agree with a PP that the run up to leaving primary isn't the ideal time to tackle, they're a bag of hormones and worried about so many changes.

I can’t actually believe there are people on a mothers forum that think these things!

Just ‘parent’?’ Who speaks like that?!

He’s a kid having a hard time. Have you read what he’s been through as a younger child? He’s clearly scared.

We have normalised babies and children sleeping separately from parents in our society but evolutionarily it is normal for people (all people of all ages, humans) to want company at night. To sleep together. It offered protection and the ability to get a better nights sleep. It’s why we as adult’s usually sleep together at night. I wouldn’t want to sleep alone if I was scared. I love sleeping next to my partner every single night. Get a grip.

Edit to add I was supposed to quote a poster who said “just parent him” 🙄

I don't know about breathing but you can get beating hearts at Build a Bear.

It’s not always boys. My friends DD who is 11 sleeps in with her parents.

My 12 year old often sleeps in my bed. I dont have any issues with this and she will stop eventually.

Is it really a problem that he comes in?

@Baxterbaxter you are making a bigger rod for your own back by allowing an 11year old boy to share a bed with his 9 year old sister!!!! that is disgusting!!! tell him he is not getting into anyone's bed but his own!!

@benefitstaxcredithelp I agree that it's a sensitive issue but he was fine sleeping on his own for 5 days when he had nits and was proud of that achievement so it's not like he can't do it. I think he should do it more as with any anxiety, you need to be exposed to it too if you are ever going to get over it. There are so many benefits for the whole family if he can be more independent and it seems it's just getting worse now and it's impacting his little sisters sleep. I think it's right to become tougher on him because the last time they did it worked!

@Baxterbaxter all those parents who do "co-sleeping" are making rods for their own backs!! 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and now 11 years old and still sharing a bloody bed with mum and dad!!! you need to stop mollycoddling him and just set him straight!! own bed every night and no jumping in to anyone else's bed from now on, not at 11 years old!!!

I’d be tough - he’s definitely not allowed in his sisters room. He goes to bed at normal time, you don’t stay with him, he’s not a baby or toddler. If he can’t sleep, he can read but he needs to stay in his own room. Everyone needs their sleep and he is disrupting everyone

Big difference between a parent and child choosing to cosleep because it makes sense for their family and an 11 yo keeping his parents awake until 3am. He's forcing cosleeping on everyone else which is the problem.

It’s not perverse for an 11 yr old to seek comfort from a sibling when they are scared and anxious.

I admit we let DD take the lead on this issue and did what we had to do. It’s not rare as you can see on this thread. We also got her some talking therapy, which helped her talk things through.

It's not perverse but it's also not fair on his sister and shows a lack of understanding of her private space. OP is quite rightly not going to allow this to continue.

@MinervaMcGonagallsCat

yes, it will be for some people.

some people like their own space to sleep, their own privacy. Some want their bed to be just for them and their partner.

The OP quite clearly has a husband.

I don't think 2 fully grown adults and an 11 year old is good for anyone. Especially an 11 year old that wants to stroke and touch. People are within their rights to have their own personal space, you know. I certainly wouldn't want an 11 year old stroking me and coming into my bed.

Babies and young children are very different to an 11 year old preteen.
He's slept perfectly well when he had nits. Clinical PTSD and anxiety isn't exempt when someone has nits. If he was fine to do it when he had head lice, he's fine to do it now. He's just choosing not to.

It's creepy he went into his sisters bed. I'm sorry but it is!

Why should she wait it out? This boy is helping him selves to people's (including his sisters) personal space each night.