11 year (yes, YEAR!!) old not sleeping in own bed

[Baxterbaxter]

My just-turned 11 year old cannot sleep in his own bed, by himself, through the night.

It started when he was a baby; he had awful asthma / bad croup and would stop breathing, so I would keep him with me in case of an episode. This happened a few times; each time we rushed him to hospital as he just couldn’t breathe.

He eventually grew out of this but he could only go to sleep if we lay down with him. Guaranteed, he would wake during the night and come into my bed.

Skip forward a few years, and this is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He has just gone into year 6 and he refused to go on the residential as he cannot sleep alone.

DH and I are at breaking point, so we have decided he has got to learn to put himself down. We have a 9 year old DD who is a great sleeper - she can put herself to sleep and stays asleep for 12 hours - no issues at all.

Tonight is the second night where we have put DS to sleep; DH laid with him the first night in his own bed, the lamp was on and he has calming music playing. DS was in our room for 3 hours throughout this night, saying he couldn’t sleep. Each time we put him back to bed. Eventually, he went into DD’s bed to sleep. DH and I work full time so we were shattered yesterday, as was DD as DS just moves around constantly (we didn’t realise he went into DD’s room, I found him there in the morning). Tonight is going in the same vein; I lay with him initially and then, bang on midnight, DS is in our room, saying he can’t sleep / can’t close his eyes. He tried to go back into DD’s bed but I got him back out, I must’ve put him back in his own bed at least 15 times over the last 3 hours. My poor DH is driving 6+ hours for work tomo, so I’m trying to let him sleep. He is still up now, walking around, saying he can’t sleep.

What do I do?! I know we have made a rod for our own backs by letting DS come into our bed all these years, even though it was with the best intentions initially as we were concerned about his health.

Do we just ignore him when he gets up, persevere with putting him straight back to sleep? I’m so tired. It’s like having a newborn again.

This could have been the post I wrote two months ago. My 13-year-old son had been coming to our bed almost every night until recently. We tried various methods to address this: using a weighted blanket, keeping a desk lamp on, discussing the issue extensively during the day. My husband slept on a mattress in his bedroom for about a year. We then let him sleep on a mattress in our bedroom for a while. Nothing worked.

My son exhibits some autism traits and is hypersensitive. He becomes extremely frightened when he wakes up alone at night. He sleeps fine during sleepovers, where he shares a room with others. On rare occasions, he would sleep through the night when he was vety tired. He is doing well at school, has many friends, and competes in a national-level sport, which has contributed to his maturity. He even travels abroad for training and competitions, always sharing a room with another child. We’ve ruled out any underlying issues for his sleep problems.

The solution came in an unexpected way. This summer, while we were on holiday, our friend took care of our small pet dog and kept the dog in his own bed. When we returned, we continued this arrangement, keeping our bedroom off-limits for the dog. Instead, the dog started sleeping in my son’s bed. To our surprise, this arrangement has kept my son in bed all night long, and he hasn’t come to our bed since. It’s a pleasant surprise, and we wish we had discovered this solution sooner.

This thread is actually bonkers. Therapists?!? Gradually self soothing?! This lad is 11! He has proved he can sleep by himself when required. All you need to do is insist he stays in his room, tell him off when he doesn't and actually set boundaries. You know, parent!!!

You mention anxiety frequently OP, just worth noting I suffer with anxiety and it is hugely exasperated when I am tired, so there is a chance he's created a bit of a vicious cycle of being anxious because he is tired and not being able to sleep because he is anxious.

The TV Idea is maybe a good one, and a conversation around expectations, i.e if you can't sleep, you lay and relax/read/watch TV in your room until you drift off, don't come into someone else's room, he could be waking himself up by playing musical beds.

Well said.

She needs to understand that she is not a support human and doesn't come second to her brother's needs.

The fact he thought it was appropriate to use her in this way - very much seeing her in the same category as you as parents in that her needs (to appropriate boundaries, to privacy, to a decent nights sleep, to consent) are beneath his - is really worrying for both your DD and your DS.

@OrlandointheWilderness pipe down will you!

How do you know what that child feels like inside? You’ve got no clue. No kids chooses to feel anxious and scared. Bet he’s rather just go to sleep and sleep the night through! We don’t chose our nervous systems.

what OP CAN do is to stay calm and reassuring and keep at it encouraging him to sleep in his own bed, without dramatizing things. For gods sake don’t take him to the GP and make this into such a big deal, as some suggest.

I literally WAS that kid and my parents being so hard on me and insisting I stay in my own bed only taught me not to trust other people and made me feel alone and unloved and like I was a nuisance. But yeah, I sure did learn “not to put my needs before others’, was in an abusive relationship as well for years, that’s a great lesson to teach kids.

If you felt unloved because your parents told you to stay in your own room at night, there were bigger things going on at home or with their parenting.

I agree and where I come from people will laugh about such "solutions" and crack on with practical parenting. Especially given the nits episode, which proves he is perfectly capable when he wants to.

The problem is clearly the OPs doing - understable when her son was a baby and ill, but she continued this sleeping arrangement for years, long after he'd grown up and recovered. Suddenly she is panicking because he's 11 and she wants him asleep in his room. And now getting defensive at posters concerned about him climbing into his sister's bed!

Ffs calm down. He’s an 11 year old kid wow as scared at night and was told not to go to his parents so he went to his sister. Nothing wrong with that! Those commenting like this clearly can’t put themselves in that kids shoes. To an anxious child who’s alone at night, finding someone, ANYONE, to cuddle up to can feel like life and death. If you have never been that kind of child, stop assuming what goes on in his mind.

My mum also got me used to sleeping in her bed and I remember the embarrassment I felt at all residential trips as all the kids could sleep but I couldn't. And we went on residentials from 7/8yo. I don't remember when it stopped but the underlying "need" for someone to be there to feel safe hasn't really gone. And it's still embarrassing. I now sleep separately from my DH as we have a toddler so we take turns in sleeping with the baby monitor (in case he wakes up). Also my DH started snoring so there's that too.

But because of my own experiences I really cannot fathom why on earth would people want to (!) co-sleep and get their kids used to that. I get it when, as in your case OP, it was due to some medical issue but I see more and more people saying they "just love cuddles and co-sleeping". Yeah... but it's not about you. Your comfort is creating problems for your kid down the line...

Of course there was. I still insist though that this weird (and may I add, very western) attitude to kids and sleep is cold hearted. All during the day you are a loving parent, but once the lights go out, you don’t give a damn if your child is scared and sad. So much research points to the importance of co regulation, and countless studies show how breathing and heart beat improves for children who co-sleep.

if we were talking about a 13 year old ok I’d start to think it’s too much. But 11 is still not that old and pre-puberty. He is still a child.

In many cultures people co-sleep with children of same gender pretty much till they leave home! And opposite gender co sleeping for longer too.

humans are animals and until in recent evolution where we got so rich we can live in large homes and isolate from each other at night, co sleeping was the norm for literally everyone! Stop acting as if it’s some sort of wrong behavior.

This isn’t about sleep.
it’s about more than sleep.
clearly there is anxiety here,
maybe he needs some therapy, and definitely needs compassion.
both my kids (6&10) have periods of struggling with sleep, and need support to soothe, to quieten worries.
but also need support when they wake in the night.
whilst I want them to do it solo, I would much prefer they came to me than to sit with the anxious feelings alone.
my eldest has phases when sleep is hard, and spending more time with him during the day, giving him space to talk and express his worries helps.

My DS slept in my bed with me until just before his 12th birthday. I would never admit this in real life for fear of some of the replies in this thread. I’m an LP and he has a twin who thankfully has been happy in their own room.
Not sure if I found the solution by chance or if he just “grew out of it”. I moved everything out of his room, decorated and only moved back in what he wanted. He had a couple of wobbles, but a year down the track and he hasn’t been back since.
I hope you find whatever it is that will work for you soon.

But no thought is being given to the sister, whether she is uncomfortable, or whether her sleep might be disturbed, or if she just doesn't want it. Are we really saying she has no say in it?

Of course the parent should deal with it and he shouldn’t disturb his sister. It’s not her responsibility to soothe him. But the posters who indicate there’s something perverse or whatever going on are so way off.

@Saveusernsme this is a public board - the whole point is to collect a range of views and opinions, not just the ones that you want. I would never dream of telling YOU to withhold your opinion, however much I disagree with it, because you have the right to voice it.

We were in the same position as you with our DD now 23! We had to lie with her every night . She came into our bedroom virtually every night till she was about 11 and a half . That was into year 7! She had some anxiety and eating issues around then and it kind of got worse for a while . I can't remember what broke it - I think we didn't even speak when she came in - we would just take her back to her room , or minimal speaking to suggest there wasn't going to be a fuss , also sought help from school counsellor which definitely helped . Then it just stopped - like a light switch , just changed overnight. Next time I'm talking to her of I remember I'll ask her if she remembers !

Who on earth is saying parents co-sleep for their own sake?! I think it’s best if kids start sleeping independently as soon as done breastfeeding IF the kid is ok w that. If not, I will still encourage it, but I won’t make a big deal out of it and traumatize my child just for some strict rule they most sleep independently if for whatever reason they need extra comfort at night.

And sibling incest was very common in past centuries. It's why the Environmental health legislation talks about moral overcrowding.
And, for the record, I am NOT, repeat NOT, suggesting that is the case here. But it does underline why some people are so wary of opposite sex children sharing bedrooms.

So many posters, so many opinions, sorry I haven't read them all

My DS13 is autistic. He needed someone else to sleep until, well last year really. When puberty started, he didn't want it any more.

I have a DD as well, we all three of us need something to listen to going to sleep. I use the podcast Nothing Much Happens, which is a short, nothing really happening story told twice over per 30minsish episode. My son likes this too. We are all ND

I think because we have a dx it has been easier to cope with - I just accepted that sleep settling was one of his developmental delays and assumed it would go away on its own, which it has. It's also probably easier that we don't live with their dad, which I'm sure would have put pressure on (he once said something about giving up the marital bed when they were tiny).

My DS will still elect to come home rather than have a sleepover but sleepover are no longer out of bounds. Again, all this happened naturally when he was developmentally ready.

Good luck OP

@leftorrightnow if this child feels so incredibly anxious that he cannot possibly sleep, how would you explain away the time period where he slept well in his own bed without an issue when he was told he absolutely had too?
You also said there was nothing wrong with him going to his sister. Yes, there is. I am certainly not implying anything sinister, but he is invading her privacy and that is wrong.

It's more the fact that he is now escalating it from just invading his parents private sphere to now also doing the same to his little sister. He has to learn that it is not up to him to decide he needs to sleep in her bed, it's not up to him to decide she's his support human, it's not for him to try and normalise this behaviour because it will mean that the sister grows up thinking she has no say when it comes to people stepping all over her and her boundaries. This to me is more important than any of the other issues. He needs to get tools to handle these emotions himself without damaging other people around him. He's old enough.

I think your son is probably showing some trauma from his early health issues, especially the breathing, sleep and hospitalisations. His body might be holding on to this at some level and preventing him from sleeping. I think he would benefit from a consultation with a homeopath and also someone who could teach him some nervous system regulation techniques that he can practice during the day, to remind his conscious and subconscious self that he is safe and his body is safe.

I think the only way forward is his own bed and you in the room to sleep on a camp bed, no talking or direct comfort just he knows you'll go to bed on his room each night once he's asleep! But he has to self sooth! Then once he's sleeping in his own bed more consistently you just dont go to bed in his room and see if he notices! Leave the bed in and if he comes looking for you you can settle him back to bed and could always go back to the camp bed for a night or two

It is just the name for a form of technology, that monitors a room and alerts people in another room when that person could be in distress. If her DC is scared of coming into danger when asleep alone, it sounds like a logical solution to me. When you have a DC with no health issues/NT you are privileged, not a better parent.