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Original poster

Please tell me I’m not terrible to think about controller crying.

114 replies

Flutterby10 · 20/10/2023 11:15

My daughter is 11 months. Never slept well. Wakes now on average 20-30 times a night. She is still in a cot next to or bed because of the amount of times she wakes.

Wakes about 10 times crying before I bring her in the bed about 1am. Lots of times she just tosses and turns and cries until the morning and we get zero sleep. I’m really struggling now as I’m exhausted and go back to work soon.

She does have CMPA but on Neocate. She also had reflux but since she started walking at 10 months this has pretty much disappeared. She is extremely alert and advanced I would say for an 11 month old. She can’t switch off, wakes at the smallest of noises. Screams getting dressed, in her high chair in the car seat etc. She is very high needs!

I have a week next week where my older daughter is away and was thinking of taking on the night waking. Am I terrible for thinking about controlled crying? She finds is so hard to calm down I don’t want to scare her.

OP posts:
Wehavealaughdontwe · 20/10/2023 11:17

Have you considered co-speeping? I know it's not for everyone but it's the only thing that worked for us to ensure we all got a good night's sleep

Dottiespotty · 20/10/2023 11:20

To the person who suggested co sleeping it doesn’t work for all children. One of mine was the same as the Ops child. If you tried to put him in bed with you he would crawl all over you, poke your eves out, put his fingers in your mouth , climb off the bed and so on. Anything but sleep ! In the end we tried controlled crying which worked until he got unwell and we couldn’t leave him. My husband then spend months sleeping on his floor with DS bouncing round the cot but at least not crying !

TheShellBeach · 20/10/2023 11:21

Controlled crying worked with my 18 month old daughter in two nights.
It's brilliant.
Get yourself a copy of the Ferber sleep training book.
It changed my life. My daughter is an adult now and doesn't remember a thing about it.
The first night was difficult. I won't lie. The second night was much easier. And on the third night, she just slept through.

Original poster
Flutterby10 · 20/10/2023 11:21

Oh I’ve tried co-sleeping, she just doesn’t sleep in the bed with me, she wakes and hits me and cries and rolls all over, it’s no better!

OP posts:
SaracensMavericks · 20/10/2023 11:22

I'd give it a try OP.

SaracensMavericks · 20/10/2023 11:22

Controlled crying that is.

TheShellBeach · 20/10/2023 11:23

Flutterby10 · 20/10/2023 11:21

Oh I’ve tried co-sleeping, she just doesn’t sleep in the bed with me, she wakes and hits me and cries and rolls all over, it’s no better!

I'm sure this is the case.
You need to bite the bullet and deal with this, once and for all.
I can't think of anything worse than having a wakeful toddler in bed with me.

Piffpaffpoff · 20/10/2023 11:23

If you want to try it, try it. Don’t worry about what anyone else things. Sleep is important for everyone. The first few nights may be tough but hopefully lead to better sleep for all of you in the long term. Good luck

Whattodo93 · 20/10/2023 11:24

It’s obviously up to you but child psychologists are pretty against controlled crying as a method, we have a friend who is one and said she’d never use this method on her own children. But you have to sleep! Such a hard time and hard decisions. You’ve got to do what’s right for you.

Our first was very like this, very high needs, and we tried bed sharing. It worked very well, we all got a lot more sleep and no one had to cry. He’s nearly 3 now and is in his own bed, wakes twice in the night but settles quickly.

Original poster
Flutterby10 · 20/10/2023 11:26

@Whattodo93 If she slept ok in the bed we would carry on. But we all scared as any noise and she awake, can’t move, can’t get up to use the toilet or she wakes and that it’s for hours. This past week she has been in my bed and been awake from 1am till time to get up for school run, I’m beyond tired.

OP posts:
Cincills · 20/10/2023 11:26

Not terrible at all. Studies show only positive impacts of sleep training in the short term - lower rates of PND, better feeding and better attachment between mother and child.

And in the long term, there is no difference between sleep trained and non sleep trained children.

you can check out Emily Oster’s book “crib sheet” for details of the studies that have been done.

Original poster
Flutterby10 · 20/10/2023 11:27

@Whattodo93 i don’t want to damage her, she is very needy and screams the moment she left alone. We just can’t cope with 2-3 hours broken sleep every night anymore.

OP posts:
Persiana · 20/10/2023 11:28

If she is more alert and stimulated by being with you, I'd say she is crying out for help with how to quieten stimulus around her and sleep. I honestly believe our jobs as parents is to teach the skill of sleep, in a dark quiet space alone. That must be the evolutionary norm, in the past humans would have had no light and stimulus at night. If however a young baby instantly settles with you, id say co sleep, as you'll both get more rest until she's old enough to start gradually teaching her to sleep independently. We resisted sleep training for so so long with ours, not realizing he needed quiet and dark alone. He now sleeps so well.

Whattodo93 · 20/10/2023 11:29

@Flutterby10 that sounds really tough! I really feel for you it’s so awful waking so often in the night. i remember getting to the point where I felt physically sick in the daytime because I was so tired.

If you’ve tried bed sharing and it doesn’t work for you then at least you can tick that box as something you’ve tried. You have to do what gets you some sleep, and if that’s controlled crying then it’s worth a try. We’d probably have had to try it too if bed sharing didn’t work X

senior30 · 20/10/2023 11:30

Have you tried her in her own room? My son was still waking 8-10 times per night at 13 months and still in my bedroom. I moved him into his own room and the wakings went to 2 per night.

WhatHaveIDoneNo3 · 20/10/2023 11:31

Try the controlled crying Ferber method for a week and see how you get on. The way I see it is if you have one hard week sleep training with tears but it resolves the problem, that’s far better than the level of crying your little one is experiencing at the moment going on for months on end.

Sleep is so pivotal for their development you will be going them a favour if it works. They need to be able to self settle. There’s more damage caused by ongoing sleep deprivation for you both than a week of the Ferber method. Just ensure you are being consistent when you do it!

Whattodo93 · 20/10/2023 11:31

@Flutterby10 I imagine unhappy parents is much worse for her than sleep training in the long run! So I’ve you’ve tried everything else don’t feel bad about giving it a try.

TheSnailAndTheWaaaail · 20/10/2023 11:33

Controlled crying worked with both my kids, I would recommend it to anyone. Both very securely attached kids too, before anyone jumps on me 🙄

If you start it you must be committed, if you give in then they crying is all for nothing..remember that and good luck!

Works in 2 or 3 nights usually.

Original poster
Flutterby10 · 20/10/2023 11:33

We tried her in her own room a few months back but her crying woke the older daughter and she in school and needs her sleep. I brought her back in our bedroom as could pop dummy in and stop the crying quicker.

OP posts:
Dahlia444 · 20/10/2023 11:35

We did a version of controlled crying (gradual retreat) with one of our DC and it was life changing for all of us. He is now a tremendous sleeper and has always needed a lot of sleep as primary and secondary child (much to his frustration now!) so I feel completely that teaching him how to sleep properly was exactly our job as a parent to do.
Do your research on methods, and make a plan so you're more likely to feel in control and see it through.

Wehavealaughdontwe · 20/10/2023 11:36

Dottiespotty · 20/10/2023 11:20

To the person who suggested co sleeping it doesn’t work for all children. One of mine was the same as the Ops child. If you tried to put him in bed with you he would crawl all over you, poke your eves out, put his fingers in your mouth , climb off the bed and so on. Anything but sleep ! In the end we tried controlled crying which worked until he got unwell and we couldn’t leave him. My husband then spend months sleeping on his floor with DS bouncing round the cot but at least not crying !

I did say that I know it's not for everyone. As another poster has said, if you've tried it and it hasn't worked, you have to do what you have to do to get some sleep. Sleep deprivation is torture. I think I have tried every method under the sun over my years of parenting! Good luck op I hope it works for both yours and your DC's sake

TheShellBeach · 20/10/2023 11:36

Flutterby10 · 20/10/2023 11:33

We tried her in her own room a few months back but her crying woke the older daughter and she in school and needs her sleep. I brought her back in our bedroom as could pop dummy in and stop the crying quicker.

Can you bring your older daughter in with you for two or three nights while you do the controlled crying?
Put the baby in the room on her own, follow what the book tells you, and then your older DD can go back in when the sleep training is complete.

Persiana · 20/10/2023 11:36

A week where your older daughter is away is perfect then, ideal opportunity to try something new without disturbing her. You deserve to sleep- I promise! It's so hard when you're in it, the guilt etc. But really it is in all your interests to crack it now. You've given everything for 11 months, well done for waiting so long

Phanta · 20/10/2023 11:37

I would absolutely sleep train in your position. Please ignore people who will try and guilt trip you and say it will harm your baby or effect them. The Emily Oster book is a great resource for this.

It amazes me on this thread people are so quick to go on about how sleep training damages babies or harms their attachment. The physical and menral health effects of sleep deprivation on parents goes completely ignored. It's far more damaging to have parents that are so exhausted that they struggle to care for their baby and this themselves can cause problems with bonding and attachment. Good quality sleep is also so important for the development and health of babies.