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Please tell me I’m not terrible to think about controller crying.

114 replies

Flutterby10 · 20/10/2023 11:15

My daughter is 11 months. Never slept well. Wakes now on average 20-30 times a night. She is still in a cot next to or bed because of the amount of times she wakes.

Wakes about 10 times crying before I bring her in the bed about 1am. Lots of times she just tosses and turns and cries until the morning and we get zero sleep. I’m really struggling now as I’m exhausted and go back to work soon.

She does have CMPA but on Neocate. She also had reflux but since she started walking at 10 months this has pretty much disappeared. She is extremely alert and advanced I would say for an 11 month old. She can’t switch off, wakes at the smallest of noises. Screams getting dressed, in her high chair in the car seat etc. She is very high needs!

I have a week next week where my older daughter is away and was thinking of taking on the night waking. Am I terrible for thinking about controlled crying? She finds is so hard to calm down I don’t want to scare her.

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 06/11/2023 09:04

Btw if you’re going to do it then both you and your dp have to be totally committed and prepared to sit through a lot of crying before they settle. 99% committed is not enough.

NnarcissaMalfoy · 06/11/2023 09:13

StillWantingADog · 06/11/2023 09:04

Btw if you’re going to do it then both you and your dp have to be totally committed and prepared to sit through a lot of crying before they settle. 99% committed is not enough.

This. Its really really important to commit one million percent before starting and have a clear plan (ferber is best as pp have said).

LondonLass91 · 06/11/2023 09:18

Wehavealaughdontwe · 20/10/2023 11:17

Have you considered co-speeping? I know it's not for everyone but it's the only thing that worked for us to ensure we all got a good night's sleep

Agree with this. My little ones started in their own beds every night, then when they woke i put them with me. Might not work for you, but my little ones had normal sized single beds so my husband could move into theirs if the wiggling got too much. Honestly i wouldn't bother with controlled crying personally, i did try it with my eldest but still feel guilt, especially having worked in social care and knowing that neglected babies don't cry because they have learned it's not worth crying. Breaks my heart thinking of that. You'll have people saying do it, but only because they have.

LondonLass91 · 06/11/2023 09:19

StillWantingADog · 06/11/2023 09:04

Btw if you’re going to do it then both you and your dp have to be totally committed and prepared to sit through a lot of crying before they settle. 99% committed is not enough.

This is actually heartbreaking to think there are parents who would be prepared to listen to their precious kids sobbing for hours. So cruel.

Sweetestp · 06/11/2023 09:21

ShutterHaze · 06/11/2023 08:57

Hi @Sweetestp. How old was your baby when you did this and would you be happy to describe what you did?

Hi @ShutterHaze

sure! I started him around 10 months and 3 weeks old.

My DS fed each nap and night time to sleep with three feeds at night and then some wake ups in between which needed rocking cuddling! The feeding to sleep wasn't my problem, it was the very frequent night wakings and the struggle with getting him to nap, also he is a heavy baby and rocking him wasn't an option anymore!

I started with bed time, i laid him in his cot and sat on a chair right next to him - singing/shushing/patting.. if he stood up, I laid him back down, if he cried and didn't settle with a pat/song i picked him up and rocked a bit but laid him back pretty soon after. (He takes a dummy and i put extra dummies in the cot which he holds for comfort).

Basically repeated this for 45mins until he fell asleep half in my arms, half in the cot, crying a bit but nothing crazy or distressing. The next day I did the same for day naps. Also took the same amount of time. Second night he cried more (typically second and third nights are hardest apparently) BUT he all of a sudden skipped his 11 o clock wake to feed and slept till 03:00 for the first time!

He is still breast fed - For night time feeds I feed him 30 before bed to avoid him falling asleep.
And day time i feed him at wake ups to avoid feeds before nap time.

First couple days took 30-45 mins, now it takes 5-10 mins, sometimes 15 max but pretty much no crying, only a bit of moaning. Also i rarely still need to pick him up, only sometimes lay him back down from standing when he is really fighting sleep.

This is a nice age to do this cause I feel like he gets it!
Also if he is ever so exhausted that he does fall asleep in my arms i can immediately put him down, whereas before i always waited for a deep sleep.

He does still wake at night and is sometimes tricky to settle but not nearly as much as before. I tried to continue the method for night wakes but once it took an hour and he was still not sleeping so I gave up on that and either rock him or feed him and put him back in his cot or in the early morning hours take him into my bed.

He goes for 8hrs without a feed now (before it was never longer than 3-4!) and bed/nap times happen much quicker!

Trick to remember is to have a little wind down routine before a nap ie nappy, closing curtains, saying goodbye for sleepy time to whoever is at home, songs… i found it helped when he associated certain routine and cues with sleep. He also has a dummy for sleep and i put 6 others in there.. he holds them for comfort and can easily find one when he wakes at night.

Godwindar · 06/11/2023 09:22

Is she is a really solid routine? What time does she go to bed? I'd do these first if you haven't. My high needs baby needed to be in bed by 6.30-7. I didn't let her sleep after about 4.00pm and bathtime was from 6.00pm, had a quick bath every night as she liked being in the water, came out and into pre-darkened room for bed clothes and final feed. Also by 11 months had her daytime nap in a darkened room most days. I'd try and sort daytime first and be rigid about this for a month, move her cot to her own room for this. Then see how things are.

Abra1t · 06/11/2023 09:23

I used a modified form of controlled crying on the grounds that I was a far better mother to my children when I'd slept reasonably well. I had more energy to give them attention and we all benefited.

Cloverforever · 06/11/2023 09:26

I did this when my ds was 9 months. It was tough but totally worth it, and he has always slept well since -no harm done.

Your health matters too.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/11/2023 09:27

LondonLass91 · 06/11/2023 09:18

Agree with this. My little ones started in their own beds every night, then when they woke i put them with me. Might not work for you, but my little ones had normal sized single beds so my husband could move into theirs if the wiggling got too much. Honestly i wouldn't bother with controlled crying personally, i did try it with my eldest but still feel guilt, especially having worked in social care and knowing that neglected babies don't cry because they have learned it's not worth crying. Breaks my heart thinking of that. You'll have people saying do it, but only because they have.

You work in social care and don’t know the difference between severely neglected & abused children who don’t cry vs well loved and bonded children who are left to cry for 2-3 minutes at a time?

really?

StillWantingADog · 06/11/2023 09:37

LondonLass91 · 06/11/2023 09:19

This is actually heartbreaking to think there are parents who would be prepared to listen to their precious kids sobbing for hours. So cruel.

I’m going to try my best not to be rude here but

  1. yes he sobbed a lot for two days but that’s a heck of a lot less sobbing overall than would have been the case if he hadn’t learnt to self settle. He sobbed whether I was with him or not.
  2. you have no idea how broken and exhausted we were from lack of sleep. No sleep = not a good mother
  3. my son since then has had a very positive association with sleep and bed ever since. It did him zero harm.

I have absolutely zero regrets.

Brbreeze · 06/11/2023 09:47

We tried at 9 months and she vomited badly any time she cried so we gave up. For weeks afterwards she was sick in any situation that she cried - in the car seat, out and about, it was awful. I paid for a support package from Calm & Bright Sleep Support on Instagram - they told me to stop and refunded me.

I have friends that it has worked for but not as a quick fix, it has taken time.

For alternatives and troubleshooting on very frequent night wakes, check out Fox & Moon Sleep Consultants on Instagram. We ended up having our little ones tongue tie privately diagnosed at 11.5 months having been told by multiple health professionals she didn't have one.

Brbreeze · 06/11/2023 09:48

Aldo to add, Lindsey Hookway is great to follow on sleep.

She has a great explanation of personality types and why sleep training can seem to work for some but absolutely will not work for others. I 100% now think it would never have worked for our baby.

Flutterby10 · 06/11/2023 20:42

I haven’t tried anything yet as she got a virus then a stomach bug so not the right time. I just can’t bring myself to leave her crying.

She has been napping great in her cot but still waking a lot at night and ending up in my bed.

OP posts:
ShutterHaze · 07/11/2023 16:50

@Sweetestp that’s really helpful, thank you!

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