Please tell me I’m not terrible to think about controller crying.

[Flutterby10]

My daughter is 11 months. Never slept well. Wakes now on average 20-30 times a night. She is still in a cot next to or bed because of the amount of times she wakes.

Wakes about 10 times crying before I bring her in the bed about 1am. Lots of times she just tosses and turns and cries until the morning and we get zero sleep. I’m really struggling now as I’m exhausted and go back to work soon.

She does have CMPA but on Neocate. She also had reflux but since she started walking at 10 months this has pretty much disappeared. She is extremely alert and advanced I would say for an 11 month old. She can’t switch off, wakes at the smallest of noises. Screams getting dressed, in her high chair in the car seat etc. She is very high needs!

I have a week next week where my older daughter is away and was thinking of taking on the night waking. Am I terrible for thinking about controlled crying? She finds is so hard to calm down I don’t want to scare her.

You're talking like you won't have to do it again. You don't usually just sleep train once, you have to do it multiple times whilst the child is young.

You're not a monster, it's hard you can't be blamed for thinking about it.

But should you do it, no. Never IMO. Have you looked into holistic sleep specialists? They can help you tweak things to improve sleep without sleep training.

@bakewellbride that is traumatic, poor baby.

I'm not completely anti controlled crying. However, I would always suggest more gentle sleep training methods first. A stay and support approach or gradual retreat. Lucy Wolfe has a good book on sleep training.

You're talking like you won't have to do it again. You don't usually just sleep train once, you have to do it multiple times whilst the child is young.

That isn't true.
I don't know anyone who had to do it more than once.

It works. If all other needs are met. Honestly, go for it.

Unfortunately I have also met many parents who say they had to retrain after sickness/holiday or change in routine etc although it was much quicker second time around.

I must say, I am a converted sleep trainer. Didnt think self soothing was something that babies needed to learn but just did a gentle sleep train this week and had glorious 8 hours of sleep last night!!!!

OP what did you end up trying? :)

‘ Extinction’ is a legit sleep training method where you simply close the door and just dont go back in!

We are having similar issues with our 9 month old. Waking hourly and has done for months!

Are you going to sleep train your baby?

Really considering it now. I have always not wanted to sleep train having seen so much online saying it’s cruel etc but at the same time I can’t go on like this! Parenting isn’t great when your sleep deprived

Honestly, @secondtimemumma it changed my life.
Do try it.
In two nights, my DD became a different baby.
I'd forgotten what having a full night's sleep felt like, because it had been well over a year since I'd had one.

You might as well try it. The main thing I'd do is have a time limit in mind. I find that a lot of sleep training advice claims that you absolutely must continue no matter what until it works and I think this is where it is cruel.

Pick a method, preferably an evidence based one like the original Ferber, if it's not working within, say 45 mins/1 hour total, then stop, don't try that again, wait a couple of weeks and then try something else but know what you're doing before you go in. There are plenty of slower sleep pattern changing approaches.

And if that time limit doesn't feel right to you then change it to something that does. But having a time limit in mind IMO is helpful. The idea that it will definitely work if you keep going is the part that doesn't sit right.

Thanks @TheShellBeach that’s good to know. A full nights sleep or even just some consecutive hours haha would be great!
I have been putting it off but I am on my knees with sleep now and hence why I have been on here and first time posting on Mumsnet looking at the sleep forum!
there is a lot of judgement about sleep training but honestly with more sleep I’m sure I would parent so much better

I actually don't agree with @BertieBotts about setting a time limit.

It took nearly three hours on our first night of controlled crying for DD to go to sleep. She then woke twice more that night, and it took about an hour each time before she went back to sleep.

On the second night, it took about an hour to start with, then she slept for four hours, and woke up. I spent less than half an hour getting her back to sleep that time, then she slept for another five hours.

On the third night, she just went to sleep straightaway and slept all night, and that was the whole thing done.

Two bad nights, especially the first one, then DD started to sleep through every night.

So I think you absolutely need to persevere and not set a time limit on it, otherwise you're not doing it right.

I sometimes wonder if people who say it doesn't work actually do what the book says.

You must be consistent and not give up, however long it takes.

I suppose it depends on what that 3 hours consisted of, because honestly I don't think I could cope with my child crying constantly for 3 hours straight and I probably wouldn't have persevered that long, especially if I couldn't see any glimmer of it being over at some point. OTOH perhaps you were seeing some progress by a certain point which is what made you keep going with it?

Yes. The gaps between her starting to cry after being reassured got longer and longer till eventually she just stayed asleep.
The book definitely warned me that this first night could take hours.
But the second night was easy in comparison and on the third night she just slept through.

I only wished I'd done CC months before.

That is more of a "cry it out" method rather than controlled crying. The former is not right in my opinion.

I’ve not read the replies but you’re not terrible OP. I swore I’d never sleep train until my second arrived and didn’t sleep and it almost broken me. We’re still early days (he’s younger than your DC) but have noticed positive changes and we’ve had minimal tears (six mins has been the most). Apparently they either take to it or don’t so you can always try it for a few nights and see how you feel and how it’s going after that.

I would do it.
We did it with my eldest and she slept like a dream after a few nights. She's 6 now and an amazing sleeper.

Youngest was a nightmare. Woke up constantly. We didn't do controlled crying and she's only just started to sleep through the night now at 3.5. I wish we had carried out controlled crying with her

So this I think makes sense - and presumably you'd see some of that improvement during that first hour, which is really what I mean, I don't mean cut it off at an hour if some improvement is happening, more if the baby has been continually distressed all/almost all that time with no progress or improvement at all. (Looking back I didn't word that very clearly, I apologise).

Maybe it's still too short, I admit it's not something I know a lot about. But I do think there absolutely has to BE a limit, because surely it's possible that some babies won't take to it and how long should you be trying something that's clearly not working at all?

As I said. I did it with my children after exhausting all other options (believe me I did. I tried co-sleeping and sleeping on their bedroom floor for 3 weeks). It worked brilliantly and benefitted them even more than me. They're now 11 and 13. Very happy kids and very securely attached. They still love bedtimes. My 11 year old DS gets excited about bedtime! He often tells me how he's going to snuggle up with the duvet and hot water bottle and says "I can't wait for bedtime!".

I would but have gone on with it if there had not been an improvement within that hour IYSWIM.
But I could see that it was starting to work, and although I was frazzled (!) I decided to carry on for another hour.
At the end of the second hour it was definitely working, and as that was pretty much what the book said would happen, I trusted the process.

After all, I'd frequently spent much longer trying to get her to sleep anyway!

I honestly didn't think the CC would work, but I was desperate, and everything the book said made sense, so I stuck with it.

Your don't abandon the baby while you're doing it. They know you're not far away because you're talking to them so much, but you don't pick them up.

I would go in and say "darling, mummy loves you very much but you need to go to sleep now", pat her hand and walk out again.

My DC was a terrible sleeper. I did sleep training at 6/7 months and since then she still sleeps through night.

Even after 1years old she was waking up at 5am, but it was at least without wakes in-between. This week she has started sleeping 12hour stretches, if you had told me this was possible even couple months ago I would have been doubtful.

Absolutely no regrets about controlled crying. Few things are more paramount for a child's development than sleep.

Hi @Sweetestp. How old was your baby when you did this and would you be happy to describe what you did?

Yanbu she might be a bit young for it though- still it’s worth a try. Did it at age 2 with both DSs.

tried it with ds1 (very bad sleeper)and there were two nights of hell but all good after that and 8 years on he’s been a fab sleeper ever since

however we then did exactly the same thing with ds 2 and it didn’t work. He was really difficult sleeping for several years unfortunately. Still struggles sometimes at age 8.
absolutely do not regret trying though.