Please tell me I’m not terrible to think about controller crying.

[Flutterby10]

My daughter is 11 months. Never slept well. Wakes now on average 20-30 times a night. She is still in a cot next to or bed because of the amount of times she wakes.

Wakes about 10 times crying before I bring her in the bed about 1am. Lots of times she just tosses and turns and cries until the morning and we get zero sleep. I’m really struggling now as I’m exhausted and go back to work soon.

She does have CMPA but on Neocate. She also had reflux but since she started walking at 10 months this has pretty much disappeared. She is extremely alert and advanced I would say for an 11 month old. She can’t switch off, wakes at the smallest of noises. Screams getting dressed, in her high chair in the car seat etc. She is very high needs!

I have a week next week where my older daughter is away and was thinking of taking on the night waking. Am I terrible for thinking about controlled crying? She finds is so hard to calm down I don’t want to scare her.

If she's in with you at the moment maybe you sleep in her room with her for a night or 2 first, no controlled crying. Then the environment is familiar and you can gradually retreat whilst you older dd is away. 30 times a night to zero is probably unrealistic but a comforting shush without picking up and then return to repeat in a few mins is more realistic. Don't rush back, with my dc they seemed to resettle very quickly, they weren't hysterical.

Would you consider removing the dummy permanently?
Our DD was dummy for obsessed and would cry whenever hers came out so I decided to stop them all together and just let her deal with.
It took 3 days for her to stop asking for them

I think you’d be better off trying to reduce the night wakings first and be prepared for controlled crying not to work.
It was also the age my eldest sevens egg allergy and the signs were just night waking frequently and crying. It could be hunger but less likely. I suspect it’s something causing pain to wake that many times And she must be exhausted as well waking so many times.. I do have sympathy with lack of sleep it’s really hard going long term.

I'd put her back in her own room and just have a mattress or bed on the floor in there for when you have to go in and wait with her to settle. Do controlled crying when she's in her own room otherwise you may find yourself having to do it again when she eventually moves to her own room.

I think you just play it by ear. I definitely incorporated aspects of controlled crying into my parenting.

i personally think depending on the petsonality of the child it can be useful. Some kids just need a bit of space to learn how to soothe themselves when you arent there. Both mine actually did this really quickly after only one or two nights of me leaving them to cry a little longer each time to see if they might settle.

I also found that having them in with me (after 6 months, of course I had both of them in my room as newborns) was waking them up more as they weren't falling into a deep sleep.

Of course it depends on the child, if your child is getting routinely hysterical any time the wake up and simple will not calm down there might be some other issues that need sorting. For the most part tho most kids will quickly learn to self soothe a bit unless they are really needing something, once you incorporate a bit of controlled crying.
You shouldn't feel guilty. You have to do what's best for the whole family. No way would I have been able to cosleep long term although I totally support mums who choose to do that. I'm a light sleeper and it would have made my life Hell.

I really can’t see any health issues. She is a good weight, remained on the 91st centile since birth. Eats and drinks well, no signs of any other allergies apart from milky but she is currently daily free.

She is just extremely high needs and always has been. Does not know how to self sooth, had to be in a sling for months as could not be put down. Her dad has ADHH and Ive wondered perhaps she will be also and she will just never sleep well. I honestly hate the idea of leaving her crying but I’m desperate for sleep. There is no room for a bed in her room other than hers.

She isn’t like any baby I’ve known. She is super alert. 11 months now and tantrums, hits me and scratches my face if you take her away from what she wants. Will not sit for 5 mins when awake. Never touches her own toys. Mostly loves holding up the clothes in the washing basket and putting them over her head. She screams and pull stuff in the high chair. Honestly she never puts her bum down she is so busy I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to sleep.

Could part of the problem be that she's overreliant on the dummy and hasn't learned to self soothe?

That was my dd's problem, although she was breastfed so using me as a dummy.

Sounds like she is desperate for some quiet and calm space to sleep in, I’d definitely take advantage of sibling being away to move her in own room, make sure it’s dark and cool, and try the Ferber method. I think babies need to learn to sleep and you constantly getting up to her is never going to make that happen.

DD is 7 months old and would wake up every few hours because she'd lost her dummy. We took it away at 6 months and she's slept much better since (couple of horrendous nights to start with while she got used to it) so that might be something to try. Don't know if it'll impact on your DD's reflux though!

DS went through a couple of awful sleep regressions as well. I did end up using controlled crying with him and it took him 2-3 nights to crack it. We were both so much better for sleeping well! It's definitely worth a go and it sounds like you have the perfect opportunity with your older DD going away for a week!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Hopefully she'll crack it quickly and you'll get a decent sleep!

It will not harm your baby (if you do it with love and not too long) and don't listen to the crazy people who say it will. The period of time that you do it for is very short.
I did it after months of pain and guilt as to whether I should. My baby was much happier after it as she was sleeping more and so was I.
There were no attachment issues following this. My daughter and I are very close but she is a independent and confident 14 year old. I have no regrets and just wished I hadn't upset myself with feelings of guilt.

I did it with both of mine. I was on my knees with exhaustion. Worked wonders. Not only did I regain my sanity but more importantly the children were so much happier afterwards. People who say its cruel have no idea how it benefits THE CHILD! I can't emphasise this enough. It transformed all our lives. And yes I did try co-sleeping, gradual withdrawal and all that stuff beforehand.

Just to add. My daughter is also the happiest person I know!

If I remove the dummy at the same time for night does that mean in the daytime also. It’s the only thing that calms her down when she is having a screaming fit. She also screams after her bottles and the doc said it’s because she enjoying the soothing feeling of sucking. Without a dummy popped in after she can’t calm down at all, she starts screaming and hitting me and scratching my face.

@Flutterby10 No, no terrible at all! Did it at just shy of 6 months and best thing we did! It was driving me to PND - once you have a rested baby, she’ll be so much happier in the day and so will you all! X

With dummies, have you tried putting a few in the cot. By 11 months (my DS was earlier than this), they should be able to find the dummy and put it in themselves at night. My DS goes to sleep with about 7 glow in the dark dummies in his bed and we rarely if ever have to get up to put one in.

I'd really be hesitant to remove it or take it away if you know it calms them. I'm a massive fan of the dummy and think they are a great tool to help babies self soothe once they can put it in themselves!

Can't comment on the sleeping point as we've not tried it, but on the dummy point it was like she was hooked and it felt like it would never ever end. She used it quite a bit during the day - only thing that would calm her down if she got really upset, and she would wake up during the night when it fell out. She is 13.5 months now and for about the last 4 weeks she's only having dummy at night or for a nap, literally never thought this day would come and it's been totally led by her.

If she's dropping the dummy at night have you thought about going to the next size up? I only twigged a couple of weeks ago when hubby had sterilised the smaller ones and we had a bad night that the bigger ones were staying in longer!

We dropped day and night at the same time. We put them all in the bin. She was 18 months and her sister was 6 weeks old so we removed from both of them at the same time and honestly, I thought it would be a nightmare but it was fine.

She has about 4 in the cot but makes no difference, she just cry’s and immediately stands up.

I think that's because she's used to you coming in to her each time.
Try the CC.

The first night will be brutal but it works, so don't give up.

Nope you’re not a bad person at all. We done it when the baby was 8-9 months old - we checked on him every 5 minutes instead of the usual Ferber timings. By night 4-5 he was sleeping through the night. If anything, once he started sleeping through the night he came on in leaps and bounds with his development.
I sobbed the first night we done it because I felt so awful, but it’s honestly so worth it - you deserve to sleep.

My friend did it and they thought it was brilliant. Then they walked in one morning to find toddler ds covered in his own dried up vomit. It looked hours old. He'd been sat in it helpless because he didn't see the point in crying as he had learned no one ever came right away anymore. Utterly heartbreaking.

Hi OP,

This sounds tough and like you shouldnt still be having to deal with this at 11 months.
Mine is 10 months and I also got fed up with the wakings, he was cosleeping and feeding throughout the night but i got tired of it and of struggling to get him to nap every single time. He also doesnt like a pram/car seat etc! And can cry with rage so i was looking at Ferber but didnt want to dive right in.

So i started with PUPD method. This method is most often recommended for younger babies as they say it is too overstimulating for older babies but it worked for us. From the second night he already dropped a feed and last night (day 6) he slept a stretch of 8 hrs for the very first time! Can give you more specifics of what i did if you like. His cot is in our bedroom, i never left him alone prior to falling asleep and thr crying was kept to a minimum (although crying sometimes helps speed up the falling asleep part!) i think eventually i will start leaving the room when i put him down but gradually working towards it.
not sure how much time you have before work, ferber might give quicker results.

all the best!

Cc is so emotionally hard but a good idea if you can stick with it. We had a really hard time at 18m and stuck to our guns for a few nights and we have not had a wake for years. A grow clock is a good idea too. Good luck x

And ours would not cosleep, despite a lot of trying

Well obviously you shouldn't leave a child for hours crying as you go in after a very short period.