Just started controlled crying - advice please

[Whatevenissleep2]

After months of sleepless nights, contact naps and desperation we have cracked and began controlled crying with DS (9m) following research. We are on day 1 and have made huge progress with my DS falling asleep independently in his cot within an hour. He has never been left for longer than 5 minutes before going back in to reassure and after about 35/40mins of beginning the process, there was long periods of calm before he began to cry in shorter spells.

I’m reaching out to others who have successfully used CC as I’m wondering what I should expect the evening and night to be like? And any more advice? My mental health is particularly delicate at the moment due to having to hold my son from 11-4am in the morning (even co sleeping wouldn’t work) and starting the day at 6am with toddler so please be kind to me if you come across this thread and are against CC. I’m also sat looking at the video monitor feeling intensely guilty.

Despite offers of unlimited bf, DS not satisfied with lying next to me wants to be held by me. Have tried multiple times but just flails around the bed until I pick him up.

@smileladiesplease

Saved my life

Some people on this thread are not getting that it really is as serious as this. If you are so blind exhausted that you cannot function at work, function well enough to actually be responsible for a baby, if you are a danger behind the wheel of a car, if you are so completely ruined that you are spiralling further into PND, your relationship is suffering, you're close to the brink of a very bad place...

Then yes, gentle sleep training can quite literally save your life. And maybe even your baby's.

If you have a baby who sleeps well, or a strong support network, a baby who co-sleeps well, or you can just function well in less sleep... then you simply won't understand.

No one on this thread has neglected, abused or damaged their children.

Some of you need to get a grip.

You can't prevent sids. You could have your baby flat on their back in their cot in a dark perfectly room temperature and can still happen.

My son is a good sleeper and I'm not against it. A sleep deprived parent is dangerous. If you need to do it. Do it.

Stick it out, took us 4 nights and peace was restored!

Dear Whatevenisleep2,
Getting your baby to sleep can be one of the most difficult things you will have to do in your time as a new Parent. There is no right or wrong way. Some babies sleep after a few weeks, some just prefer the comfort of their Mother or Father. I think you mentioned your Baby is 9m old? Babies change habits all the time so don't get it into your head you have left it too late. You need to try and be relaxed yourself. A routine is always good to start. Allow your baby to nap at usual times thru the day, but be sure to not let the baby sleep too long. Fresh air is always good and a bath before bed can be quite tiring for a baby. A nice quiet atmosphere (bathroom lights not too bright ) maybe a nice lavender baby shampoo/bodywash. Bedroom warm but not too warm. Comfy cot. Sometimes white noise machines are good in the back ground or a musical mobile for them to watch and listen to. A projector ball is good, for them to watch on the ceiling.
What you are trying to achieve, is not so much getting them to sleep, but teaching them to learn to fall asleep on their own, to entertain themselves until they fall asleep. The perfect scenario is, that by the time you have bathed them the lavender has relaxed them, the dimmed lights are relaxing and the white noise is already playing in the room. As you lay them down in the cot, they see the images projecting on the ceiling and walls and learn to enjoy watching them change colour or shape. It's best to lay your baby down when it's relaxed not asleep. Presuming your baby has been bathed, changed and fed, he or she should be nicely relaxed for sleep. Any time between 6.45 and 7pm. If you haven't allowed them to oversleep thru the day, or get overtired, baby should be open to the idea of sleep. Initially you could just sit by the side of the cot whilst they watch the projected images in the darkly dimmed room. The noise machine will hide any other noises ( not too loud tho ) Don't talk to your baby, but if you do have to be very calm in your tone using words such as Shhhh.... sleepy time ... shhhh .... in theory, after a little while, your baby should begin to get sleepy.
( I'm not sure if you use a soother or not during night - I always did , but not everyone agrees and it's personal choice. ) A favourite toy is also comforting. From now it's trial and error. Baby may take a little while to sleep and stay asleep for the first few attempts as they are learning to self soothe and trust you aren't going to just disappear. Each night you stay a little while after they have fallen asleep but that gets less and less until you can leave once they close their eyes. Try to not give yourself a time limit or rush yourself, if you get your own mind to accept this could take longer than you would like, it won't be such a task. Prepare yourself mentally first. Easier said than done, I know. Ideally you find a friend or member of family that may pop over for coffee during the day and that minds baby whilst you steal an hour or two's sleep. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a parent or family member or friend to rely on though. This isn't CC training as such, however using the starting steps you may choose to introduce the CC training if it is still needed. I wish you the best of luck and patience, sleep deprivation is the worst when you have a baby and toddler. Take care and let me know how you get on or if this helps atall x

It's best to lay your baby down when it's relaxed not asleep. Presuming your baby has been bathed, changed and fed, he or she should be nicely relaxed for sleep. Any time between 6.45 and 7pm. If you haven't allowed them to oversleep thru the day, or get overtired, baby should be open to the idea of sleep

Lol. Spoken like someone who has truly never experienced a bad sleeper!

"It's best to lay your baby down when it's relaxed not asleep. Presuming your baby has been bathed, changed and fed, he or she should be nicely relaxed for sleep. Any time between 6.45 and 7pm. If you haven't allowed them to oversleep thru the day, or get overtired, baby should be open to the idea of sleep"

Ooh! Ok then is that all we have to do??? EASY!
The above advice is heard time and time again only to make us feel like failures.
Right now my 1.5 year old is truly tired and so am I. Let's just go to bed then! 😂

I was forced into controlled crying with DD because I wanted to read DS his bedtime story at 7pm and figured he'd remember and she wouldn't

Obviously she hasn't remembered and was in a perfect routine after about 3 nights

I just shut her in a room with the door shut in her Moses basket till she cried herself to sleep

Strangely she still has a brilliant internal clock all these years later.

It was easier because I was occupied with DS who I did not practise controlled crying with

Stick some headphones on and watch something you enjoy louder than usual

Well said.

👏

I just shut her in a room with the door shut in her Moses basket till she cried herself to sleep

That's not controlled crying, that's just horrible

@Ireallydohope in a Moses basket, so what, under 6 months? And you just shut her in a room? Wow. That's neglect, not a parenting 'method'.

Totally @pasta56

And the below poster , agree as well

what is mum is doing something where baby has to cry - helping toddler - having a wee herself - or if twins or triplets - they have to cry

CC is not cio. Totally different

I think a lot of posters do not get this

Cc is not leaving your baby to cry all the time

You go into to reassure etc

Purple89

Spot on.

@Whatevenissleep2 did it with both of mine don't regret it the change in their mood (and mine ) and development once sleeping through was astounding just wish I'd done it sooner. took 3 nights with each child for me from waking for a feed 6-8 times to sleeping through x

And what 'blonds said.

CIO is NOT CC but they know this and are just goady

Hey OP I hope you get to read this. I’d really like some advice as you seem to be doing really well. I posted on here about 6 weeks ago saying I was going to have to try controlled crying and I was was absolutely flayed. There were some helpful comments but honestly the bad ones upset me so much I couldn’t go on with it. My DS vomited and people said I was disgusting, a sick parent. Cut to now, I’m awake and feeding throughout the night every hour and half. I feel so ill, my little boy (10months) is so miserable in the day because he’s tired, my poor 4 yr old DS having to put up with me in a miserable mind fog all day and being snappy with him. I keep making stupid mistakes forgetting what I’m saying or doing. I could cry writing this. Can you tell me what routine you used, how long you left him, did you stay in the room, feed at certain times? I’d be so grateful to hear how you did it. Thanks xx

I'm so sorry you received such a hateful response. I really feel for you.

I haven't done sleep training but I do have the Little Ones app and that has some sleep training methods on there including a quick method. People seem to think it works well, I haven't used it though so can't comment but thought I would mention. I use it purely for the nap recommendations and general sleep guidance.

Thank you x I’ll have a look now. ATM baby is asleep and we’re just deciding how we’re going to deal with it. So that wpuld
be really helpful thank you.

That's disgusting and I'm so sorry you were treated like that on your thread.

Read through the helpful comments on this one and do it.

It might take a lot more perseverance with more pick up and put down for your wee one but your son will eventually fall asleep. He's tired. But it might be backbreaking for you for a few days to a week.

Do you have support at home?

Sorry, that comment was for @LittleMG

I just shut her in a room with the door shut in her Moses basket till she cried herself to sleep

What the actual fuck?! Your baby was under 6m old yes? And you shut her in a room by herself presumably in the dark until she cried herself to sleep?! That’s not CC. Thats fucking neglect. Shame on you.

@LittleMG

If it helps, this is what we did.

I cut breastfeeding at night cold turkey. He was waking constantly and couldn't get back to sleep without it. He did not need it for nourishment, it was purely comfort. He has always taken a dummy for sleep so I knew I had to focus on that being his comfort.

I left a sippy cup of water in his room and every time he woke I went through and offered it to him. He'd shove it away in frustration and cry for breastmilk. I comforted him and continued to offer the water or his dummy. After a lot of fighting and crying with me he'd take a big drink of water, accept the dummy and go back to sleep.

It took about 4 days of doing this every time in combination with pick up put down method.

So it looked like this:

When he woke up I'd go through to his room, put on a soft night light and offer water. If he didn't take it I'd say "ok I'm going to put your cup here next to teddy" (he sleeps with a favourite teddy) Then I'd pick him up, give him his dummy, and cuddle him until he was calm. Then put him down. He literally spring back up again and stand at the bars of his cot crying. So I'd do the same again. I'd give him 3 times getting picked up and cuddled and put back down.

If he stood up after the 3rd time I wouldn't pick him up. I'd just lie him back down. He'd get up. I'd lie him back down. Repeat repeat repeat. I'd say "shh it's time to sleep. Mummy and daddy are going to sleep. It's time for you to sleep." After 3 times of this I'd just lie him back down each time he stood up, now not saying anything. Just shhhing and stroking his head or back.

It could take 50 times of doing that over their cot bars. Back breaking. But if you keep your resolve they will realise that this is how it's going to be from now on.

Now, if my son wakes in the night he finds a dummy by himself. If he can't find one in the dark or if he wakes for some other reason, one of us goes through and turns on a soft night light and hands him his cup. He takes a big drink, rolls over and gets a dummy and goes straight back to sleep. He usually sleeps 11-12 hours straight now.

Top tips:

Give him a supper before bed. Porridge with banana mashed through is a good one. Or a bowl of warm weetabix. That way you know they're going to bed with a nice full tummy.

Don't try to do any of this in the dark. Have a soft lamp or nightlight on so they can see you.

If he has a favourite teddy I found it helped to go through when he woke and cried and cuddle teddy first. I'd say "aw poor teddy is sad. He's crying. Shhh shhh it's ok teddy". Then I'd pretend to give teddy water and a dummy. My son would watch all this, through tears, and then want to take the cup and dummy for himself. Then I'd do the same for him a cuddle and "aw you're feeling sad, it's ok. Shhh shhh time to go back to sleep now with teddy".

If you're breastfeeding do it yourself. We had short term success with his dad going in instead of me. But then it fell away and I started breastfeeding again after he got a sickness bug. I realised second time round I had to do it myself because I wanted him to realised mummy was also saying no more breast milk.

He is breastfed now only before his nap and before bed so he still gets that comfort and it's linked firmly to going to sleep. But he goes to bed awake and chats away to his teddy and settles himself.

Good luck to you and to OP. You can do this. You are not neglecting your child. You're there with them the whole way.